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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To convince DD not to end her marriage

239 replies

Sparklesco · 08/04/2019 15:45

DD (26) has confided in me that she’s contemplating a divorce after just 6 months of marriage. This has come as a total shock to me but apparently she started to feel this way before the wedding but didn’t want to let anyone down. DD was 22 and her DH 29 when they met. DD’s reason is that ‘the spark has gone’ and she’s no longer attracted to, or interested in him and feels generally unfulfilled and unhappy. She says DH hasn’t done anything wrong, nor is there anything that he could do to change her feelings (he knows she’s unhappy but apparently has no idea things are this serious - I know he’d be distraught). She says she’s ‘outgrown’ the relationship.

DD and I are very close and I feel devastated and shocked. I don’t like to interfere and appreciate that she is an adult, but she has come to me for advice. Her DH is so kind and trustworthy, he adores her and is loved by the whole family. They have a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially.... I feel she could be making a huge mistake which she’ll later regret. DD acknowledges all of this but seems to think she’d be wasting her life away ‘settling’ with DH and can quite easily walk away and meet someone else who she’ll be much happier with.

AIBU to convince her to stick things out? I know all too well what awful men there are out there and DD truly has met a lovely man. The thought of her throwing all of this away because the ‘spark’ has faded and using this as a grounds for divorce baffles me.... AIBU?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2019 16:30

If she's that unhappy, the sooner she ends her marriage, the better. If getting a divorce is a mistake, that's something she will have to live with.

bigknickersbigknockers · 08/04/2019 16:31

Sounds to me like she knows this relationship is not going to last and she is preparing you so you are not shocked when it finally ends.
All you can do is be there for her and offer support her.

Fundays12 · 08/04/2019 16:31

No sorry you shouldn’t interfere. It’s her life and her choice and she must live with the consequences of her decisions.

harrietpn · 08/04/2019 16:32

I recommend the John Gottman books. Whether she stays or goes having a good understanding that relationships take work/ commitment/ compromise is a really good life skill. Is she having any relationship envy from friends perhaps? My friends who married young struggled when their time as the bride was over and then friends settled down with more interesting or successful men.

katseyes7 · 08/04/2019 16:32

When l told my mother that my husband of 11 years (together for 17) were splitting up, the first thing she said was "what am l going to tell people?", then "is this because you don't want a family?" and "oh, you're always arguing."
She studiously chose to ignore the fact that l'd been emotionally abused and raped for years. Until he (to his credit) went and confessed and admitted everything to her. And she still took his side, because l'm "not easy to live with". l never forgave her for that.
l'd had my doubts before we got married, and wanted to call it off, but he cried and pleaded, and l gave in. My cousin, who was my bridesmaid, stayed with me the night before the wedding and she said she wishes she'd talked me out of it.
No one ever knows what goes on in a relationship behind closed doors. Quite frankly, if the 'spark' has gone this early in the marriage, it looks like it's much healthier for both of them to walk away. Please don't try to persuade her to stay. lt'll rebound on you later. All you can do it tell her you love her, and support both of them, whatever they choose to do.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/04/2019 16:33

You don't need to broach her about anything. You should be there as an ear for your DD to use while she sorts out, herself, what she wants to do. She's not asking you what the decision should be, she's looking for support and reassurance that you won't be disappointed in her if she leaves.

TooTrueToBeGood · 08/04/2019 16:33

I believe the role of a parent is to listen, support our children in making their own decisions and being there for them as and when they need to pick themselves up and dust themselves down. As much as you try and paint yourself as having her best interests at heart, you seem determined to try and influence her to do what YOU think is best. I don't agree with your attitude to parenting an adult child.

Travis1 · 08/04/2019 16:35

@alsohuman but now she wants to 'broach this with her' and 'convince her to stay' that is interfering. She's not just being a sounding board, she wants to influence this decision.

BestestBrownies · 08/04/2019 16:38

OP with the best will in the world, you can't make your DD happy. She has to find that for herself. It sounds like she has made her decision and was trying to break it to you gently seeing as you hold her DH in such high regard. Just accept her decision and support her through it.

A word of caution. My DSIS married very young and wanted to call it off with her DH about a year later. My parents strongly opposed her decision when she confided in them (for largely the same reasons you have given), and she felt unsupported and like she was letting 'everyone' (DParents), down. She stayed in her marriage. 15 years down the line and her DH has gradually revealed his true colours (utter arsehole), and she is now trapped with 3 young DC.

Mumberjack · 08/04/2019 16:38

Your daughter is telling you now which means her mind is already made up, you already said that she went through with the wedding because she didn’t want to let anyone down.
I’m guessing half of your anguish is because she hasn’t been married for long so there will no doubt be an element of ‘what will I tell everyone??’ - but surely that’s preferable to realising down the line that pressuring your daughter to stay married (in her best interests etc etc) has led to her being miserable for years??

hellsbellsmelons · 08/04/2019 16:38

she started to feel this way before the wedding but didn’t want to let anyone down
This was me at your DD age.
Luckily I saw the light before we got married and called it off.
My family were not supportive to begin with and it was not a nice few months.
They soon came around and realised that their response was not OK and they regretted it afterwards.
You can't know her future.
I married another man. Lovely, supportive, had a child, lovely house, high earner. He cheated and that was that.
I was left alone to bring up my DD with no financial support at all from her dad.
Then along came another guy - same again.
I'm now single at 50 and I don't believe I'll ever trust a man again.
So anything can happen.
But your DD happiness and your support are what is important here.
She is very young and has plenty of time to carve out a new life for herself.
Just be there for her.

formerbabe · 08/04/2019 16:39

You sound very old fashioned op. You were happy about your dds future because she was married. As if marriage is the main goal for all women to aspire to.

AlexaAmbidextra · 08/04/2019 16:40

If you like him so much why don’t you marry him!

What a worthwhile contribution Katterina. 🙄

formerbabe · 08/04/2019 16:40

Or are you just desperate for grandchildren?

Halloumimuffin · 08/04/2019 16:40

I also believe that she married too young for her. I know I'm a hugely different person at 30 than I was at 26, and unrecognisable from 22. I know a couple of the same ages and they ended because his outlook and priorities were so different from hers, as she was still in party mode and he was in settling mode. 4 years relationship is hardly very long for the 'spark' to have completely disappeared either.

BlackPrism · 08/04/2019 16:46

Let her leave while they're both still young. Not sure why she bought marriage at 22 was a good idea

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/04/2019 16:46

Sparklesco

From memory she won't be able to divorce him for another 6 months.

Back her and find out what she wants.
She may find out that she won't get everything she wants if he won't leave the house/flat etc. and generally not do things her way,

BlueberryFool123 · 08/04/2019 16:47

My best friend had serious doubts about we partner. She was ready to break up with him. She was already to move in with me. Her “D” Mum spoke to her and convinced her to stay. Her argument was she was 32 and effectively wouldn’t meet anyone else.

She married him. Her partner doesn’t like her family or friends over. Her DM is always complaining to me she never sees her daughter.

Don’t interfere. Support. Tell her you will be there for her. Let her get on with her life.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/04/2019 16:47

Perhaps she had been brought up to believe that only marriage brings any purpose to a woman.

outpinked · 08/04/2019 16:48

Definitely encourage her to talk things through with her DH and consider counselling before jumping into divorce.

Katterinaballerina · 08/04/2019 16:49

I thought so Grin

‘Her DH is so kind and trustworthy, he adores her and is loved by the whole family. DD truly has met a lovely man’

All this irrelevant- it’s his wife’s (lack of) feelings towards him that matter not the OP’s view of his character.

Purplelion · 08/04/2019 16:49

I have been in your DDs position.
Met my ex at 19, married at 24, I didn’t feel happy before we got married but was terrified about letting people down as he was lovely, everyone loved him etc. We also had a 4 year old which made things complicated! A year after we married I knew I had made a huge mistake. I told my nan (She raised me) and she told me I would regret it, I would never find anyone else, I would be stupid to leave him. I still left.
Almost 7 years later I am happier than I ever was with him. I’ve been with my OH for almost 3 years, we have a toddler and I am 5 months pregnant. Leaving my ex was the best decision for me.
What is sad is my relationship with my nan. She is from a generation where you didn’t get divorced and to this day things have never been the same between us. She prides herself on still being “Friends” with my ex and tells all her friends that me and him “might work it out” I can’t have a proper relationship with her anymore and she makes things very awkward for myself and my OH.
However she chose to act like that, I wish she would see I’m happier than I ever was but to her I did something she can’t get over and unfortunately I’ve had to accept that our relationship will never be as it was, but ultimately mine and my daughters happiness came first

Loopytiles · 08/04/2019 16:50

No point whatsoever in talking about the relationship or counselling if OP’s DD has decided she doesn’t wish to stay in the marriage, as is her prerogative.

Solopower1 · 08/04/2019 16:51

Sparklesco - oh your post touched a nerve. I've jumped in before reading the rest of the thread, just to say I really feel for you. It is very hard to stand back and watch your child do something that you think they will regret for the rest of their lives - but that's all you can do. And be there when she needs you.

Now to go back and read the thread ...

C8H10N4O2 · 08/04/2019 16:53

She says she’s ‘outgrown’ the relationship

Her name isn't Shula is it??

Less flippantly, you can't decide this for her.

You can encourage her to see a relationship counsellor (on her own if she prefers) to help work out her own feelings and what she wants to do, but ultimately only DD will know if she wants to be in the relationship long term. If she doens't want to stay, its better for both of them to end it sooner rather than later.