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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To convince DD not to end her marriage

239 replies

Sparklesco · 08/04/2019 15:45

DD (26) has confided in me that she’s contemplating a divorce after just 6 months of marriage. This has come as a total shock to me but apparently she started to feel this way before the wedding but didn’t want to let anyone down. DD was 22 and her DH 29 when they met. DD’s reason is that ‘the spark has gone’ and she’s no longer attracted to, or interested in him and feels generally unfulfilled and unhappy. She says DH hasn’t done anything wrong, nor is there anything that he could do to change her feelings (he knows she’s unhappy but apparently has no idea things are this serious - I know he’d be distraught). She says she’s ‘outgrown’ the relationship.

DD and I are very close and I feel devastated and shocked. I don’t like to interfere and appreciate that she is an adult, but she has come to me for advice. Her DH is so kind and trustworthy, he adores her and is loved by the whole family. They have a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially.... I feel she could be making a huge mistake which she’ll later regret. DD acknowledges all of this but seems to think she’d be wasting her life away ‘settling’ with DH and can quite easily walk away and meet someone else who she’ll be much happier with.

AIBU to convince her to stick things out? I know all too well what awful men there are out there and DD truly has met a lovely man. The thought of her throwing all of this away because the ‘spark’ has faded and using this as a grounds for divorce baffles me.... AIBU?

OP posts:

OrangeJuiceandArmchairs · 08/04/2019 16:20

The last thing I want is for DD to be unhappy, however, I’m conscious that the grass isn’t always greener and I worry that she may not be appreciating that. I’d hate for her to move from this in to a relationship with an unfaithful or abusive man and look back at what she had with her DH and feel regretful, when it’s all too late.

But why is it one or the other? Why can't she be happy alone? Or meet someone wonderful

My mum was similar when this happened to me. She didn't know (and still doesn't) that the man I married had a porn addiction. He wasn't abusive etc but yeah he was a dick. Nobody knows the ins and outs of it.

I remarried and am blissfully happy.

formerbabe · 08/04/2019 16:20

A messy divorce just wasn’t what I saw for DD, especially not at her age

It will be far less messy further down the line potentially with children to consider.

Also, at her age now, she is young enough to start again.

juneau · 08/04/2019 16:20

Are you generally someone who likes to brush uncomfortable things under the rug for a quiet life OP? I can't see why you wish to condemn your DD to an unhappy marriage in her 20s - she is still so young and could well meet someone else - someone who will make her happy. Plus, you don't know that it would be a messy divorce. I'm assuming they don't have DC yet, in which case it will be a lot less messy if they divorce now, as opposed to later when they might have them. This isn't about you, yet you're making it about you. Do you do that a lot?

OrangeJuiceandArmchairs · 08/04/2019 16:21

Actually is this a reverse?

I hope so, and that you have the confidence to leave and be happy

Mainie · 08/04/2019 16:22

Right now she can walk away fairly clean. The second children enter the equation, that changes.

This, too.

And you may like her next boyfriend or husband less, but that doesn't mean she will. I can entirely imagine the kind of man my mother would have picked out for me, and it would have been a trainwreck.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 08/04/2019 16:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Loopytiles · 08/04/2019 16:23

Your view of DD’s options seem negative. Some men are abusive: the risk of dating or living with one of those men doesn’t mean anyone should stay in a relationship with someone who is good to them but who they don’t wish to be in a relationship with.

ScarletBitch · 08/04/2019 16:24

Why would you encourage your DD to stay unhappily married? Just why?

Support her decision instead. You have 1 life, no point in wasting it if your unhappy. Sounds like your poor DD married regardless of her own feelings because she did not want to let anyone down.

cottagepieindustry · 08/04/2019 16:24

It’s nothing to do with you. If you like her husband that much, you marry him.

What does “stick it out” even mean? That she wrecks her life because of appearances?

formerbabe · 08/04/2019 16:24

Op....is one of the reasons you feel this way is because you are worried about the potential embarrassment of having to tell family and friends that their marriage has ended?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2019 16:25

Why would you want your DD to stay in a marriage where she is unhappy? Because they have 'a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially'? A gilded cage is still a cage.

And as far as the 'awful men out there', that's no reason to stay with someone who won't make you happy. It's better to be alone and happy than 'settle' and be unfulfilled. And at her age, there are still many nice men out there.

My niece left a marriage after 9 months because she realized she had made a mistake. Her ex was a nice man, she just didn't love him. She got caught up in the whirlwind of getting engaged, wedding plans, etc, etc. Like your DD, she knew it wasn't right but (also like your DD) she didn't have the courage to call it off.

Your DD says she went forward with the wedding because she 'didn't want to let anyone down'. Please don't add to her burden by trying to talk her into staying now.

I wonder how many people do the same thing and go ahead with a marriage when they're screaming 'NO' in their heads. I did at 20 and had a short lived abusive marriage. Thank God we had no children so leaving was easy and I was still young.

Alsohuman · 08/04/2019 16:25

That bloody “spark” has a hell of a lot to answer for. Statistically, it apparently only lasts for the first two years of most relationships.

Katterinaballerina · 08/04/2019 16:25

For heavens sake stay out of it. She’s 26 and you want her to settle for someone she’s not attracted to? Let her get out now before there are children in the mix.

cottagepieindustry · 08/04/2019 16:26

She didn’t want to marry him. She probably did it because she knew what you’d say!

ruralliving19 · 08/04/2019 16:26

YNBU in having concerns and questioning if this is the right decision for her but YABU in thinking in terms of persuading her to do as you want.

There's a difference between persuading her to stay and expressing your concerns/suggesting alternatives such as exploring counselling. I don't think a parent should necessarily always support their child's desires and that applies to decisions when the child is an adult too, like divorce. But if you express your concerns and she is adamant then you have to be supportive of her even if you don't personally support her decision.

I have strong, faith-based views on divorce which my children are well aware of and they'd know I'd be disappointed if they divorced after 6 months because they felt they had grown apart or the spark had gone. But they'd also know that even if I disagreed with their decision, I will always love them and support them as my children.

Calloway · 08/04/2019 16:26

Well she was very foolish to marry him in the first place but she is where she is and presumably she isn't just musing aloud to you. She must have had to build up her nerve to tell you this, so it's unlikely to be just a fleeting feeling. Yes it could turn out to be a mistake and yes she might regret it further down the life, but life is a series of risks. If she honestly and truly has fallen out of love with her husband it's better for both of them if she calls it quits now, before there are any children involved.

DinoGreen · 08/04/2019 16:26

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to point out that the grass isn’t always greener. My best friend did similar, got married at 26 and left her DH after 6 months of marriage. 6 years on, we’re 32 and she’s been single for a long time, seems to go on endless first dates that never go anywhere, and wants children but can’t see it happening. She now regrets not giving her marriage a chance. Her ex-DH meanwhile has met someone else and is happy.

However, echo previous posters that you should be clear you support her 100% whatever she decides.

Travis1 · 08/04/2019 16:27

YABsoU and interfering. No wonder she felt like she didn't have the option of backing out of the wedding.

Original poster

Sparklesco · 08/04/2019 16:27

This isn’t about me at all, I have DD’s best interests at heart and I do worry. As someone else said, I thought she had settled down with a wonderful man and felt comfortable and positive about her future. Now I am left worrying about her future.

But I understand I have to be very careful about how I broach this with DD as ultimately her happiness is most important in all of this.

OP posts:

Calloway · 08/04/2019 16:29

OP, it's totally natural that you'd be worried for her, especially since as far as you were concerned she was a happy newlywed.

Katterinaballerina · 08/04/2019 16:29

If you like him so much why don’t you marry him!

HJE17 · 08/04/2019 16:29

I’m going a bit against the grain here but I think SummerinSun is right: “The reality is that in most excellent long term relationships the spark develops into something deeper but less exciting.
It sounds like your fear is that she is mistaking this natural progression in a loving marriage as something being missing. And that may be true (I blame Instagram for the whole thing!). Or it may be the other way around - that now that the spark is going, she realises the something deeper isn't developing or likely to develop.
I think you can gently put it to her that it is worth considering that the spark stage of any relationship doesn't last, and suggest counselling”.

I read an interesting book recently by an author named Reva Seth, called “First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages”. It’s all about building a loving and respectful partnership, without the fleeting expectation of a “spark”, and I thought it was very sensible in many ways.

My worry for your daughter isn’t that she’d find an abusive man next, but that she’s find another lovely one and still end up unhappy, because she’s expecting to permanently be at the rainbows-and-butterflies-in-my-tummy phase of young love. Relationships rarely stay there... but that’s not necessarily a bad thing if they mature into something still loving, if less exciting!

Ellie56 · 08/04/2019 16:30

This marriage was over before it even started. Your DD only went through with it because she didn't want to let anyone down.

No good will come of trying to convince her "to stick things out."

Alsohuman · 08/04/2019 16:30

@Travis, OP isn’t interfering, her daughter’s confided in her.

Fairylea · 08/04/2019 16:30

You’re worried about her future because she’s single again in her 20s?

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