Other parents & my house rules (sort of lighthearted)

[lyralalala]

Don't you just love it when other parents decide your rules don't apply to their child?

We're having a sleepover in the holidays for my twin girls birthday. As there is a mix of kids coming of 15, 16 and 17 (the joys of a small village means their mates are a mix of age) I've made clear two rules. If folks don't want to play by the rules then they can either not come, or can leave when some other folks are leaving (the ones that don't want to stay or can't stay because of things on the next morning).

After midnight phones go onto the kitchen counter for charging/to be left. There's 10 of them crashing in the living room, mixed group, so I'm sticking to the sleepover rule of 'no phones' that I've always had.

Secondly although they are allowed the occasional drink I've said they can have 3/4 beers or ciders each max. Cans or bottles only (can't be mixed with anything). No spirits. No huge bottles of anything. It's the same rule I've had for parties since my DS was old enough to have a couple of drinks.

One Mum has decided "I've told her she can keep her phone as she is worried she might want picked up". Erm, no. They can access their phones by going into the kitchen, but no phones in the sleeping area after midnight.

Another has announced that her 16yo prefers vodka and coke so she'll just send her with a premixed bottle. Erm, again, nope. No spirits, and certainly no massive bottles of anything that could have sodding anything in.

It's fair enough to decide your child is not allowed to do something (there's a couple coming that are not allowed to drink and that I understand and support) at someone's house, but not that they are allowed to do something the hosting parent has said no too!

Bloody hell - a 16 year old "prefers" vodka so her mum's sending her round yours with some??!

YANBU at all. Blimey.

ur house ur rules op they can take it or leave it

I wouldn't be allowing any of them to drink to be honest, especially with mixed ages. I think you are asking for trouble. 3 to 4 each is a lot in my opinion.

That does sound like quite a lot of booze for that age group? I think your rules are fine, though, and of course the parents shouldn't be ignoring them. Regarding the girl who wants to keep her phone, can you have a good chat with her and her mum to reassure her she can access her phone if she needs to?
My kids are younger, and don't have phones of their own, yet. We recently had a sleepover with a friend who does have a phone. I felt really mean taking it off him at bedtime, and realised I hadn't told his mum I would be doing this, my mistake. But, there was no way I was leaving two 10yo's with open access to the internet all night!

Seems very weird to remove their phones yet despite all of them being underage you're happy to ply them with alcohol.

I wouldn't be allowing any of them to drink to be honest, especially with mixed ages. I think you are asking for trouble. 3 to 4 each is a lot in my opinion.

I'm not worried about trouble tbh, the way it'll be set up won't allow them free reign and if anyone is looking like getting drunk they won't be allowed any more (Don't want to bore everyone with the minutae, but all drink is kept in the kitchen, they get theirs one at a time and they're only allowed to drink their own. They don't risk too much as they know they'll get taken home and not allowed back (mine tends to be the hang out house as we have the space)).

It's worked well here since they all became teens and we tweaked the rules as we went. The main issue I have is other parents - funnily enough said parent wouldn't be wanting a hoarde of vodka drinking teens at her house!!

It's funny as one of the teens summed as up as "nicely weird" as although we seem like fun parents because they are allowed to drink we're actually the strictest of most of the parents.

Seems very weird to remove their phones yet despite all of them being underage you're happy to ply them with alcohol.

I'm not 'plying' them with alcohol. If their parent allows them to have a couple of drinks I'm ok with that within set critera.

The phone thing would be happening even without alcohol as they all have cameras on their phone which in a sleep setting isn't appropriate to me.

It's worked well here since they all became teens and we tweaked the rules as we went.

That sounds like they've been allowed to drink since 13 - not the case. I just meant the rules I have have worked well

I think your rules are good and fair. I have similar aged young adults and I do the same.
And if if your rules didn’t seem fair- it’s your house and your rules so if the other teens/parents don’t like it then they just don’t come.
Good on you👍

So you’re hosting a bunch of under legal drinking age teens who aren’t yours and who you don’t trust to have phones after midnight but who you do trust to have 3-4 alcoholic drinks each as long as it’s not certain kinds of alcohol? Presumably you’re going to be there the whole time policing the ones whose parents don’t allow alcohol and also personally dispensing the drinks to each of the ones whose parents do allow alcohol so they don’t exceed their 3-4 quota?

I can’t see how any of that looks like you’re all over the place re meeting your in loco parentis responsibilities, you know, illegally providing alcohol to minors who are not yours in your home is totally on a level with not allowing them to have phones after midnight.

Op, your house your rules, kids and parents should abide by your house rules.
Love it when all the judgemental posters don't bother to read the op properly

Or the updates

I think you're rules are perfect and also they are not doing anything illegal with parents/adults consent

So you’re hosting a bunch of under legal drinking age teens who aren’t yours and who you don’t trust to have phones after midnight but who you do trust to have 3-4 alcoholic drinks each as long as it’s not certain kinds of alcohol? Presumably you’re going to be there the whole time policing the ones whose parents don’t allow alcohol and also personally dispensing the drinks to each of the ones whose parents do allow alcohol so they don’t exceed their 3-4 quota?

Firstly it's not illegal for teens to drink, just to buy it. Hence why it's up to their parents to decide if they are allowed to drink or not.

Secondly if you read my last post you'd see that yes, they get monitored as they take another drink to make sure they don't take anyone elses and don't drink more than what their parents have allowed them to bring (3/4 is my upper limit, some parents allow them to come with 1 or 2).
They are supervised and anyone not allowed to drink being facilitated to drink by the others would see the end of the party then and there.

I can’t see how any of that looks like you’re all over the place re meeting your in loco parentis responsibilities, you know, illegally providing alcohol to minors who are not yours in your home is totally on a level with not allowing them to have phones after midnight.

It's not illegal to provide teenagers with alcohol, however, as I've said I don't provide it. Their parents do, which again isn't illegal at all.

Not having their phones after midnight is because I don't think it's a good idea to allow phones in a mixed sleeping area, regardless of alcohol or not.

I think over 16 and they get to keep their phones; you can't trust them to drink but not to have their phones with them?

illegally providing alcohol to minors

No she isn't. It's perfectly legal for anyone aged 5+ (yes you did read that right) to drink alcohol at home or on private premises. No law is being broken here.

Your home, your rules, assuming you are happy to keep a constant eye on them - I suspect a few may try to get past your rules by the sound of things!

I think over 16 and they get to keep their phones; you can't trust them to drink but not to have their phones with them?

I'm not going to have one rule for some and one rule for the other. I don't think it's a smart idea for a bunch of teenagers to have cameras in a sleeping area. If they don't like it they don't need to come.

I suspect a few may try to get past your rules by the sound of things!

I don't think they will - that's why they tend to try and get their parents to do it I think! They know that I'll end a party at the first sign of any of them breaking one of the hard rules (I've done it once before, one of the first time DS's friends were all here and I think all of the kids locally now know that I am that mum who'll drive you all home at 11.30 and have no gatherings in the house for a month because someone broke the rules - apparently I'm a weird mix of being fun because I let them have parties etc, but I'm also the strictest).

My annoyance is mainly that I expect kids to try and persuade me to change or tweak the rules in the run up to the party. I expect my kids to try and persuade me to let 12 stay instead of 10. I expect a couple of the teens to ask if they can bring 5 drinks instead of 3 and I even expect them to say "but I prefer vodka/red wine/smirnoff ice pleeeeasee....".

I just don't expect the parents to tell me that they are exempting their child from my rule in my house.

In my experience, they'll drink the beers and still probably sneak in vodka too. Attempting to control how a 15/16/17 uses their own phone is over the top imo and most kids I know of that age wouldn't have it. However. as you point out your house and your rules

3-4 beers each??? That’s a lot!

No way would I allow my kid to go to that kind of sleepover let alone bring vodka

My 17 yo would not ask me to supply him alcohol . Ime experience (5 dc over 18) flouting legal age to suit you leaves you wide open to them flouting it in ways of their choosing. Leaves you disrespected ime.

How odd.

You're happy for them to have a lot of booze, but not their phones? What do you think they're going to do in a 'sleep setting'?

Weird rules if you ask me- why no phones after midnight? What happens at midnight? Also- you can drink beer or cider but not vodka? What's the difference? - the kid doesn't like the taste of beer but not allowed anything else- very odd.

At 15,16,17 they are more than old enough to have phones on a night. If they were 12 or 13 I could understand but some of them are practically legal adults! The drinking rule fair enough but I wouldn't be encouraging drinking if you don't trust them with phones on a night.

Hmm, generally I agree that it's your house so it's your rules. However, if one of them does want to go home then you're making it very noticeable by removing the phones to another room. There are threads on here quite often when teens text a code word to get a parent to pick them up or call back with a pretend emergency that means they can leave but blame their parents. You have teens, alcohol and mixed company. I'd want my DC to be able to leave if it got out of hand. So, taking into account your rules, I wouldn't let them attend.