Other parents & my house rules (sort of lighthearted)

[lyralalala]

Don't you just love it when other parents decide your rules don't apply to their child?

We're having a sleepover in the holidays for my twin girls birthday. As there is a mix of kids coming of 15, 16 and 17 (the joys of a small village means their mates are a mix of age) I've made clear two rules. If folks don't want to play by the rules then they can either not come, or can leave when some other folks are leaving (the ones that don't want to stay or can't stay because of things on the next morning).

After midnight phones go onto the kitchen counter for charging/to be left. There's 10 of them crashing in the living room, mixed group, so I'm sticking to the sleepover rule of 'no phones' that I've always had.

Secondly although they are allowed the occasional drink I've said they can have 3/4 beers or ciders each max. Cans or bottles only (can't be mixed with anything). No spirits. No huge bottles of anything. It's the same rule I've had for parties since my DS was old enough to have a couple of drinks.

One Mum has decided "I've told her she can keep her phone as she is worried she might want picked up". Erm, no. They can access their phones by going into the kitchen, but no phones in the sleeping area after midnight.

Another has announced that her 16yo prefers vodka and coke so she'll just send her with a premixed bottle. Erm, again, nope. No spirits, and certainly no massive bottles of anything that could have sodding anything in.

It's fair enough to decide your child is not allowed to do something (there's a couple coming that are not allowed to drink and that I understand and support) at someone's house, but not that they are allowed to do something the hosting parent has said no too!

If you did want to change it, maybe the rule could be pre packaged single portion drinks (clunky but don't know how else to phrase it! Maybe a ml size limit?) not exceeding x% alcohol. That's still a hard and fast rule with solid limits, no room for interpretation...

Fwiw I think you're being very reasonable. As a teen we had mixed sex sleep overs at various houses (once in an empty holiday house ) , and tbh any boys that were close enough to be invited werent love interests!

I even shared a sleeping bag with one when someone tipped a drink over his...

No one's going to shag in a room where their mates are going to see and hear Ffs. never mind that the boys in this scenario are not interested anyway

Your concern about phones is videos or photos being taken, from the sounds of it? Presumably though you're not in the "sleeping area" all night? How on earth would you know if someone took their phone from the kitchen, took some photos and put it back straightaway? Two or three minutes tops? How can you "police" this?

Searching bags - again pointless. A small/half bottle of vodka is easily hidden in clothing - I assume you're not going to pat them down?

Plus your "rules" seem so contradictory - they are mature enough in your eyes to drink alcohol but not mature enough to be trusted with a phone? How does that work?

As a parent of teens I would not understand the logic here - alcohol fine, phones bad. I would be very wary of drunk 17 and 15 year olds - and 3 or 4 would be enough to get some drunk. (Again the logic is odd - yes to four lagers but no to one pre mixed).

Your posts, despite being AIBU are clearly along the lines that you know that you're right. I think you expected people to agree with you (and agree you are a strict but cool mum ) and you have a reason for every time someone says "but..." and if you don't, it's very much "trust me. I know these kids".

You seem convinced you've got the rules just right and that's why they all want to hang out at your house, but to me the rules are inconsistent and a bit pointless and it would actually worry me more than clear rules. If you're worried so much about what they will do with phones one minute after midnight and you don't trust them enough to bring their bags into the lounge, don't FFS give 15 and 17 year olds alcohol and let them loose to sleep in the same room, kidding yourself it's fine because no phones

Your rules, your house. They wouldn’t be my rules but that’s fine. It’s not my house and you arent facilitating behaviour parents are trying to ban for their own kids.

YANBU to be a bit annoyed at parents who seem to think your rules are just a proxy for their own that they can override rather than limits that you want in your house. Hope you have nicely put them straight and the party is a great success.

If you did want to change it, maybe the rule could be pre packaged single portion drinks (clunky but don't know how else to phrase it! Maybe a ml size limit?) not exceeding x% alcohol. That's still a hard and fast rule with solid limits, no room for interpretation...

I know what you mean. That's what we have for the beer and cider. Single serving drinks rather than big bottles.

I'll have to have a look at them and learn a bit about the choices before allowing them, but it might be a good option in time.

SchrodingersUnicorn One of my kids has narcolepsy - you can imagine the joy I have with that combined with social media. Especially sodding bloody snapchat. It might be hilariously funny on a Friday afternoon, but by the time Tuesday afternoon comes and it's still being passed around it's long since lost any humour.

Seriously question: would it be fine for your DC to go to someone else’s, have vodka because that’s okay with the parents, and keep their phone?

It's not a biggie having someone awake anyway - I'm generally awake until 2ish and DH normally gets up for work at 5 so it's only a bit extra to have someone awake the whole time.

So are you going to physically stay in the kitchen all night? I promise I'm not being awkward, I genuinely don't understand this. If they need this level of adult supervision constantly, why are you letting them drink?

I understand that it's frustrating that people are trying to bend the rules. I think you are entitled to uphold the rules you have set.

Sorry I meant to bold your quote at the top

I agree your rules are sensible. An evening of moderate and supervised drinking of alcohol isn’t a danger to young people. Phones on the other hand lead to many many problem which as the Op points out includes photos.
Other parents are being dicks.

Good rules. I would be happy with those for my teen.

So are you going to physically stay in the kitchen all night? I promise I'm not being awkward, I genuinely don't understand this. If they need this level of adult supervision constantly, why are you letting them drink?

One of us will be in the kitchen (sofa/tv in there so not a hardship) all night for two reasons. One it puts us at hand if anything happens with my DD, it's unlikely, but possibly. Secondly there are a couple of parents nervous of the mixed group and they have agreed for their child to stay if an adult is awake and supervising the phones and alcohol situation.

If I thought for a second they'd sleep at all then I'd do things differently, but they'll be awake all night therefore one of us will be too.

As I've said one of my DDs has medical issues that seriously limits her social life. I wouldn't be staying up all night and having them all stay every week, but it's the twins' birthday and a big sleepover is wht they both asked for so it's not a big hardship as a one off.

Perplexed that you have bee in your bonnet about mobile phones and yet you’re even having this.
Loud, messy, alcohol, probably lots of fumbling and quite likely more. So unappealing on so many levels.

And then all knackered the next morning and sleeping in. And then the clear up.

Seriously question: would it be fine for your DC to go to someone else’s, have vodka because that’s okay with the parents, and keep their phone?

I wouldn't be happy with mine drinking vodka at all.There are a couple of houses mine aren't allowed to go to because of unsupervised drinking. Whereas there are a few that they are because the parents don't allow a free for all and check with the other parents.

As for the phones in a sleepover situation I wouldn't be keen on them being somewhere with phones, but it would depend on the situation. DS as he's older then fine. DD1 as she and her friends are sensible maybe. DD2 as she has narcolepsy and is the most likely to be the victim of an "amusing" snapchat then not likely.

I don't see the problem.

Those are the rules. It's the OP's house.

Accept or don't go.

Parents truly baffle me .

Who are these delicate young adults who need to text their parents to be rescued from a sleepover? How do they think we all managed without phones??? We (gasp) had to cope without contacting our parents ALL NIGHT!

If your teen can’t cope without their phone then I think they’re not mature enough for sleepovers.

OP, YANBU.

Your posts, despite being AIBU are clearly along the lines that you know that you're right.

I don't think I'm always right. I'm a parent doing as any other, we all make mistakes. My AIBU wasn't about letting the kids drink, take their phones off them or AIBU to stay up all night, which is the only things most people have focussed on.

I just wanted to have a moan about the vodka sending and phone dictating parent because I think it's rude to send your kids somewhere and then tell the person whose house it is you've told them their rules don't apply. In hindsight I shouldn't have posted as I should have known that the other bits would pick up the focus.

You should have just stopped at "I'm having a sleepover and not allowing them to drink vodka, AIBU other parents are moaning they should be allowed?" and you would have been right as rain

Although there probably would have been some contrary twat saying YABU for the sake of it

There’s quite a gap between 15 and 17. That would make me nervous tbh. My 15 year old daughter on a sleepover with, let’s say I don’t know them - 17 year old boys I don’t know. Or “knew” insofar I have seen them a couple of times.

Tbh I wouldn’t allow my 15 year old,boy or girl, to go to such a sleep over

I know not what you asked OP. Just commenting

True I should

Though if I then mentioned beer or cider I'd have got a bollocking for drop feeding.

Or even drip feeding!

I think your rules sound really fair and remind me of my friends mum when ineas that age. She would ask our parents if we were allowed a small bottle of VK or can of beer etc, party would be held in the garage that the family had turned into a bar with a pool table and stuff. Then come evening us girls would be in the spare room and the boys in my friends room and the parents would sleep in theirs and every door would remain open. As well as other family members downstairs so there was no chance of any sneaking around happening. These parties were some of the most fun I ever went too and I went to alot of free houses etc when I was a wayward teen. Always felt nice to have the adults trust and didn't have to lie to my mum about my where abouts. I hope they all enjoy their evening! Xx

Romax

I get that totally. I'd be the same. We live in the arse end of nowhere though so all the parents know all the kids pretty much.

There are some not allowed to stay because of the mixed element (it's common knowledge one of the boys is gay, but not the other) which is entirely fair enough.

The mixed age range is one of the issues of living here tbh. Especially as they get older.

Hi OP

Just to offer a different perspective - 4 beers or ciders would have me on the floor! Literally the last time I had 2.5 pints of beer I threw up. Spirits however hardly affect me. So if this girl is the same as me, she and you would be better off as long as her mum was pre mixing them (or getting those pre mixed cans so you know exactly what's going into it)

Saying that it's still fair enough your house your rules and agree you cant bend for one and not all as it works be abused

I think you're being massively OTT about the phones but are definitely not being unreasonable about the alcohol, especially as there will be 15 year olds there!

I think the phone point is fair enough. If they can come to the kitchen anytime, no problem.

Could you not compromise and allow her to bring premixed cans or bottles (you can buy tins of vodka and coke in the supermarket)? That way they are already sealed. Still not bending the bottles of spirits rule. Just tweaking the rules. The kids are probably scared to ask you direct OP