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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Other parents & my house rules (sort of lighthearted)

389 replies

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 15:37

Don't you just love it when other parents decide your rules don't apply to their child?

We're having a sleepover in the holidays for my twin girls birthday. As there is a mix of kids coming of 15, 16 and 17 (the joys of a small village means their mates are a mix of age) I've made clear two rules. If folks don't want to play by the rules then they can either not come, or can leave when some other folks are leaving (the ones that don't want to stay or can't stay because of things on the next morning).

After midnight phones go onto the kitchen counter for charging/to be left. There's 10 of them crashing in the living room, mixed group, so I'm sticking to the sleepover rule of 'no phones' that I've always had.

Secondly although they are allowed the occasional drink I've said they can have 3/4 beers or ciders each max. Cans or bottles only (can't be mixed with anything). No spirits. No huge bottles of anything. It's the same rule I've had for parties since my DS was old enough to have a couple of drinks.

One Mum has decided "I've told her she can keep her phone as she is worried she might want picked up". Erm, no. They can access their phones by going into the kitchen, but no phones in the sleeping area after midnight.

Another has announced that her 16yo prefers vodka and coke so she'll just send her with a premixed bottle. Erm, again, nope. No spirits, and certainly no massive bottles of anything that could have sodding anything in.

It's fair enough to decide your child is not allowed to do something (there's a couple coming that are not allowed to drink and that I understand and support) at someone's house, but not that they are allowed to do something the hosting parent has said no too!

OP posts:
polarpig · 07/04/2019 21:25

It's actually illegal to buy alcohol in a shop for an under 18 - I've been in Waitrose before now buying one bottle of wine when I've had a teenager with me and I've been asked if I am buying it for them.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 07/04/2019 21:26

I find the objections to the phone thing baffling.

This is what, the first generation of kids we've seen literally commit suicide over shit posted on social media - I agree with OP's rule and the reasonings behind it.

Not sure how I feel about the alcohol purely as 4 cans of cider and I'd be blotto, 4 beers possibly not. It seems a lot, but obviously OP can and will cut them off if needs be. So ok, I'm alright with it.

I also think it's ok for other parents to ask if you'll accept something else - but clearly this isn't the case as the parents have told you not asked.

polarpig · 07/04/2019 21:27

It is illegal to:

For an adult to buy or attempt to buy alcohol on behalf of someone under 18*.
For someone under 18 to buy alcohol, attempt to buy alcohol or to be sold alcohol.

Retailers can reserve the right to:

Refuse the sale of alcohol to an adult if they’re accompanied by a child and think the alcohol is being bought for the child.

www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol-facts/alcohol-and-the-law/buying-alcohol/

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 21:32

*It is illegal to:

For an adult to buy or attempt to buy alcohol on behalf of someone under 18*.
For someone under 18 to buy alcohol, attempt to buy alcohol or to be sold alcohol.

Retailers can reserve the right to:

Refuse the sale of alcohol to an adult if they’re accompanied by a child and think the alcohol is being bought for the child.

And the sentence after that that you opted not to include says

It is not illegal for someone over 18 to buy a child over 16 beer, wine or cider if they are eating a table meal together in licensed premises. It is also not illegal for a child aged five to 16 to drink alcohol at home or on other private premises.

so there are no legal issues with teenagers given permission, and the alcohol, by their parents to drink at a private home.

OP posts:
polarpig · 07/04/2019 21:35

It's not illegal for them to drink at home no, but it is illegal to buy alcohol specifically for them. If you buy some alcohol for you and they happen to have some then it's legal but going and buying cans of beer or bottles of wine expressly for under 18s is illegal.

The sentence I opted not to include is irrelevant because it's not applicable to the law relating to buying alcohol specifically for under 18s.

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 21:40

It's also irrelevant to the party because I don't buy the alcohol for everyone. As I've said before if their parents allow them to drink they can allow them to bring it, the 3/4 thing is just put a cap on what I allow because a couple of parents allow much more than I'm comfortable with (as in no limits)

OP posts:
Applesbananaspears · 07/04/2019 21:45

You allow mixed sleeping and 3-4 drinks for under 16’s and you search their bags but they aren’t allowed their phones. Odd.

nonevernotever · 07/04/2019 21:46

Another coming on here to say a) I think your rules are really sensible b) yadnbu to object other parents trying to change them and c) to express disbelief at the sheer number of posters who either haven't read your op or have huge problems with phones not being surgically attached after midnight

Applesbananaspears · 07/04/2019 21:48

Does nobody else think that the combination of alcohol and a mixed sleepover is more of an issue than 16 year olds having their phones all night?

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 21:50

Does nobody else think that the combination of alcohol and a mixed sleepover is more of an issue than 16 year olds having their phones all night?

Most people have read the posts that addressed that earlier in the thread. 8 girls and 2 gay (only one openly hence some parents not allowing their kid to stay, which is fine) boys is a non-issue.

OP posts:
Blondieg · 07/04/2019 22:00

I think the party sounds fab. My son, now 19 went to many of the same sort when he was younger and had a great time in a responsible setting. Never a problem. And yes removing phones except for emergency is right thing to do.
What in God's name would all these parents do if they had kids 20yrs ago do, when phones weren't so 'essential ' poor kids would never socialise at all

Chocolateisfab · 07/04/2019 22:07

As a dm of 5 over 18's, 3 teens currently, I never feel the need to act like a super cool dm to gain favour with my dc +their mates.

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 22:10

If I was trying to be a super cool Mum I'd go down the road some have of allowing alcohol with no limits and I certainly wouldn't have any rules about phones, but whatever you say chocolateisfab

OP posts:
peachgreen · 07/04/2019 22:19

Alcohol rule perfectly sensible and similar to those of most of my friends' parents back in the early 00s. Though my mum would pour us a vodka and coke etc - she did the pouring though!

Personally I'd confiscate phones entirely and not have to stay up all night monitoring them - presumably you have a landline if anyone really needs to call their parents, or they can wake DD / you. Just like everyone had to do pre-mobile phones!

Anyone who doesn't see an issue with teens having mobile phones at a sleepover doesn't know how many teens use social media.

Chocolateisfab · 07/04/2019 22:19

You do know alcohol isn't good for you don't you? To an underdeveloped brain it most definitely isn't!!
Why not put on food and snacks? To my dc fizzy pop is a treat!!

peachgreen · 07/04/2019 22:21

@Chocolateisfab How old are your DC?

peachgreen · 07/04/2019 22:21

@Chocolateisfab sorry, just saw. If your teens aren't drinking with your permission, they're drinking behind your back. Sorry.

Chocolateisfab · 07/04/2019 22:24

Some light reading for you op..

Other parents & my house rules (sort of lighthearted)
lyralalala · 07/04/2019 22:30

You do know alcohol isn't good for you don't you? To an underdeveloped brain it most definitely isn't!!

My parents were alcoholic drug addicts. I'm well aware of the issues that alcohol can bring.

I'm also aware of the different ways that it can be dealt with with teens. My grandparents, who took custody of us, banned it completely with my eldest brother (which lead to secrecy), went the total opposite way with my next brother and my sister (which lead to big binge drinks and drunk incidents) and then with me went down the limited and supervised route which worked pretty well.

There is a huge drink and drug problem in teens where we live. Especially binge drinking on cheap vodka. So I'm taking a similar stance that my GP's did with me. Discuss it, set hard rules and boundaries, discuss it more and allow infrequent supervised alcohol on occasions like birthdays.

It's not the way everyone would do it, but it worked for me, it worked well with DS1 and it's working well so far with the girls.

OP posts:
Acis · 07/04/2019 22:30

I'm amazed at all these people who can't get their heads round the notion of teenagers being expected to do without their phones for a few hours overnight. It is possible to survive being parted from your phone, you know.

CheeryByeNow · 07/04/2019 22:31

I'm laughing at what sounds like the most complicated sleepover in the world.

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 22:33

I'm laughing at what sounds like the most complicated sleepover in the world.

It's hardly complicated.

3/4 drinks each max depending on what parents allow.
Only drink your own drink
People not staying leave at midnight.
Phones in kitchen when folks leave, but accessible whenever.

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 07/04/2019 22:34

3/4 beers allowed on one night is not 'heavy drinking' though is it? There's also lots to suggest that a more liberal approach means that kids don't go completely mad with it at college age.

Gottalovesummer · 07/04/2019 22:40

Would be a definite no from me for my 15 year old to go to a party where 3/4 cans were allowed.

How bloody odd.

StateofIndependance · 07/04/2019 22:42

I'm glad I'm not a teenager now if this is what a party looks like. Too many rules man!