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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Other parents & my house rules (sort of lighthearted)

389 replies

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 15:37

Don't you just love it when other parents decide your rules don't apply to their child?

We're having a sleepover in the holidays for my twin girls birthday. As there is a mix of kids coming of 15, 16 and 17 (the joys of a small village means their mates are a mix of age) I've made clear two rules. If folks don't want to play by the rules then they can either not come, or can leave when some other folks are leaving (the ones that don't want to stay or can't stay because of things on the next morning).

After midnight phones go onto the kitchen counter for charging/to be left. There's 10 of them crashing in the living room, mixed group, so I'm sticking to the sleepover rule of 'no phones' that I've always had.

Secondly although they are allowed the occasional drink I've said they can have 3/4 beers or ciders each max. Cans or bottles only (can't be mixed with anything). No spirits. No huge bottles of anything. It's the same rule I've had for parties since my DS was old enough to have a couple of drinks.

One Mum has decided "I've told her she can keep her phone as she is worried she might want picked up". Erm, no. They can access their phones by going into the kitchen, but no phones in the sleeping area after midnight.

Another has announced that her 16yo prefers vodka and coke so she'll just send her with a premixed bottle. Erm, again, nope. No spirits, and certainly no massive bottles of anything that could have sodding anything in.

It's fair enough to decide your child is not allowed to do something (there's a couple coming that are not allowed to drink and that I understand and support) at someone's house, but not that they are allowed to do something the hosting parent has said no too!

OP posts:

Kylieemilyj · 07/04/2019 17:46

At aged 15-17 if i was invited to a party like that, I would expect to be allowed my phone with me(at the end of the day its my phone, me/my parents paid for it) however I do think the drink rule is a good one to a certain extent. I have been to friends house parties in the past, usually the rule is no alcohol for most parties I remember. But one I remember was an 18th party for my friends cousin, we were about 13/14 at the time, and we were allowed to do shots of sourz with said birthday boy, but were not allowed to pour our own vodkas (probably after the time my friend poured me an entire pint of vodka thinking thats how you drink it... yes we were probably too young to be drinking...) We then snuck to the supermarket with said 18 year old and his friends who brought us a couple bottles of smirnoff ice each. My friends parents didnt mind (and when my mum picked me up she laughed at how rough i looked..but she trusted me and she knew i was gonna drink) honestly if these kids are that way inclined they will sneak in vodka in a water bottle or something, its better that OP regulates it and keeps an eye.

PlatypusPie · 07/04/2019 17:49

You sound very experienced with managing this particular crowd of teenagers, OP. Well done to you for developing and clearly expressing your rules and yes, it’s not up to other parents to try and tweak your rules - they have an alternative, which is not to allow their child to attend.

The OP is neither forcing alcohol on children ( putting a limit, for those allowed by their parents ) nor depriving them of their phones entirely, just wanting to avoid potential unpleasantness because of the camera aspect. If anyone wants to use their phone to call Mummy, they can go into the kitchen and access it. Some PPs clearly can’t imagine a life more than a hairbreadth away from their own phones at all times or without their children still attached by a telephonic umbilical cord. And there is going to be a responsible adult awake, anyway, though the night.

Managed alcohol, from a realistic and vigilant host, is better than a blanket ban that gets totally circumvented - or have people forgotten being teenagers ? ?

Original poster

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 17:53

Are you going to search their bags though? (genuine question)

Actually we do look in bags. And before anyone has a go at me at breaching privacy that was something that DDs and DD2s best friend (they tend to be the other house kids hang out at) requested to be brought in. There was an issue for a while with some kids who repeatedly tried to break the rules (tryingt to bring alcohol before it was allowed mostly), but they were a group that DD was nervous of standing up too as they were problematic at school toward kids that they don't like.

It meant that those kids didn't come, but also meant DDs didn't have to be the ones to say they couldn't. It was all "oh you know what my Mum is like" until the girls were confident enough to stand up for themselves.

Generally though bags get chucked in a corner of the kitchen and only get looked in if they want to take them into the lounge.

At aged 15-17 if i was invited to a party like that, I would expect to be allowed my phone with me(at the end of the day its my phone, me/my parents paid for it

There are kids who won't stay because of the phone thing and that's entirely their choice.

honestly if these kids are that way inclined they will sneak in vodka in a water bottle or something,

Yeah water bottles are an easy way to do it. The kids who aren't allowed to drink tell me what they want and I buy it. They don't bring coke or water or anything because of the risk of spirits in them.

OP posts:

Chocolateisfab · 07/04/2019 17:53

Do you actually speak to the parents and ask if you can supply their dc with drink? I would be very less than inpressed to get such a call.

Loulzze · 07/04/2019 17:55

This is very odd. Confiscating the phones is weird, I get your motives but at 16, 17 they're young adults who should be able to text after midnight if they so wish. And beer vs vodka it's all just units, count it the same.. 4 cans of cider gets me pissed in comparison to 4 single vodkas and coke!

Also.. What are you going to do next year when some are 18. Confiscate an adults phone? Frankly if you don't think they're capable of not posting photos of each other in compromising states that you'd be this worried about I don't think it's appropriate you have them over for a sleepover at all. Or will they be that pissed it's inevitable?

SoupDragon · 07/04/2019 17:57

a 16 year old "prefers" vodka so her mum's sending her round yours with some??!

She's not sending her round with a litre of Absolut and a straw.

Original poster

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 17:59

Do you actually speak to the parents and ask if you can supply their dc with drink? I would be very less than inpressed to get such a call.

I don't supply any of the kids with drink except one of my own (the other doesn't touch alcohol)

I speak to all of the parents and let them know that some of the kids are allowed to drink. I ask them if their child is allowed or not. If they say no I explain that I will buy the coke/water/lemonade or whatever their child drinks as I don't allow bottles of soft drink or water as it's too easy for spirits to be sneaked in them. If they allow their kid to drink I explain to them that all the drink gets kept in the kitchen etc and how it works. I let them know who is staying and the sleeping situation etc.

If I don't speak to the parent, and on the phone rather than by text, then the child falls into the not drinking and not staying group automatically.

And if the parent tells me their child isn't allowed to drink then even if I'm told by the child the parent changed their mind then they're not allowed to drink in my house until their parent tells me otherwise.

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 07/04/2019 17:59

Why can't they have their phone in the sleeping area after midnight? What's the point in having that rule when they can just go in to the kitchen after you've gone to bed and get it. You can't police it so what's the point?

Original poster

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 18:02

They can text if they want. They have full access to the phone. They're just not allowed phones in the room that folks are asleep in.

And I've explained why we have the beer/cider rule. It's easier to manage that bottles of vodka, especially premixed in a coke bottle when I'd have no idea if there's a few dashes of vodka in there or half a bottle.

What are you going to do next year when some are 18. Confiscate an adults phone?

The same as I did with DS - while any of the group staying are under 16 there's no phones in the bedroom overnight.

If they don't want to leave their phone in the kitchen they can go home at midnight with the rest of the non-staying folks. It's not compulsory to stay.

OP posts:

Original poster

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 18:03

If you bothered to read my posts you'd see that someone will be awake.

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 07/04/2019 18:04

One of you is seriously going to stay awake all night. That is crackers. Why not just say midnight comes everyone goes home.

Loulzze · 07/04/2019 18:06

It's all fair enough under the 'your house your rules'. Although why can't you do as PP suggested and get premixed cans of vodka and coke that are a single measure, tesco or asda. Or.. Mix it yourself?

Crinkle77 · 07/04/2019 18:06

OP there was some crossover time between me posting and seeing your response.

Fresta · 07/04/2019 18:06

OP- you sound bonkers- staying awake all night to supervise a group of sleeping teens is madness! I'd just have a party and send them home at midnight.

Original poster

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 18:07

One of you is seriously going to stay awake all night. That is crackers. Why not just say midnight comes everyone goes home.

Because my DDs really want a sleepover. One of them has a medical issue that severly curtails her social life so every now and again it's worth the hassle to let her have this.

It's not a biggie having someone awake anyway - I'm generally awake until 2ish and DH normally gets up for work at 5 so it's only a bit extra to have someone awake the whole time.

OP posts:

Original poster

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 18:08

OP- you sound bonkers- staying awake all night to supervise a group of sleeping teens is madness! I'd just have a party and send them home at midnight.

If I thought for a second they'd sleep we'd sleep, but they never do!

OP posts:

PlatypusPie · 07/04/2019 18:08

OP, you are very patient with the people who didn’t read your posts but just had a red mist decend when they saw ‘alcohol ‘ and ‘phones ‘ !

SoupDragon · 07/04/2019 18:10

I've just looked on the Tesco website - I had no idea you could get so many premixed cans like G&T and vodka and coke!

Bracknellite · 07/04/2019 18:10

OP. As someone who has rtft I think you are dnbu

The controlled drinking thing, excellent (and not illegal as you know but several pps do not seem to).

Screen ban also a great idea, innocent fun could easily prove embarrassing on social media.

Bottom line your house your rules.

Original poster

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 18:11

I've just looked on the Tesco website - I had no idea you could get so many premixed cans like G&T and vodka and coke!

Neither did I! Something I'll have to look into when/if it comes up again (I'm not changing the rules for this week - that would be like opening a floodgate of negotiations!)

OP posts:

Mememeplease · 07/04/2019 18:12

It doesn't matter how weird or even unreasonable anyones rules are - it is their house and their rules to be abided by - or they choose to not come.

It sounds as if this works for the op and these rules have evolved over time and everyone knows the score. It sounds great although I couldn't stay up or night or go to those lengths but theses rules didn't just happen. They've evolved into something that works.

I wouldn't host parties. At least the op can relax knowing that her rules work and her kids have parties. My poor kids don't have them.

blueskiesovertheforest · 07/04/2019 18:12

I don't actually think your rules are nuts at all, but where I leave 16 year olds can buy beer but nothing stronger, so that makes sense to me... Cider can be strong though - 3 or 4 large cans of strong cider and most 15 year olds would be drunk...

Absolutely agree no cameras in the sleeping area - as you say, compromising photos on Snapchat might seem very amusing at 3am...

A group of 15-17 year olds is awkward in terms of rule setting because 15 seems so different to 17, especially if nearer 14 than 16 or nearer 18 than 16! We'll have similar - 13 year old DD is in a class with several 16 year olds (abroad where school starting age is flexible and repeating years normal), I sometimes wish we'd held her back to start school later purely for social reasons, but so far she's a bit of a puritan and she naturally gravitates mostly to other young for the year kids and a couple of older girls with eastern European backgrounds and very strict parents, so it hasn't had an impact in terms of wanting to drink at parties or anything yet yet...

blueskiesovertheforest · 07/04/2019 18:12

Live not leave

Ragwort · 07/04/2019 18:13

As a parent of a teen I think your house rules sound very sensible, I have no problem with my teenager having a couple of beers/lagers under parental supervision & very sensible to take the phones off the teens at a pre set time.
Hope the teens (and you!) have a lovely evening.
Only on Mumsnet is it considered OTT for a teenager to have a small beer .

SchrodingersUnicorn · 07/04/2019 18:16

OP, I work with this age group and I think you've got it spot on. They are much less likely to try to sneak alcohol if they know you will allow some, but you can keep tabs so it's safe. On the phones, they are so much more trouble than alcohol with this generation, and ime they are the riskiest part of a sleepover (cameras and social media). I'm wondering how much PPs who are saying it's shocking you are making them leave phones in the kitchen really know about teens today.

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