Other parents & my house rules (sort of lighthearted)

[lyralalala]

Don't you just love it when other parents decide your rules don't apply to their child?

We're having a sleepover in the holidays for my twin girls birthday. As there is a mix of kids coming of 15, 16 and 17 (the joys of a small village means their mates are a mix of age) I've made clear two rules. If folks don't want to play by the rules then they can either not come, or can leave when some other folks are leaving (the ones that don't want to stay or can't stay because of things on the next morning).

After midnight phones go onto the kitchen counter for charging/to be left. There's 10 of them crashing in the living room, mixed group, so I'm sticking to the sleepover rule of 'no phones' that I've always had.

Secondly although they are allowed the occasional drink I've said they can have 3/4 beers or ciders each max. Cans or bottles only (can't be mixed with anything). No spirits. No huge bottles of anything. It's the same rule I've had for parties since my DS was old enough to have a couple of drinks.

One Mum has decided "I've told her she can keep her phone as she is worried she might want picked up". Erm, no. They can access their phones by going into the kitchen, but no phones in the sleeping area after midnight.

Another has announced that her 16yo prefers vodka and coke so she'll just send her with a premixed bottle. Erm, again, nope. No spirits, and certainly no massive bottles of anything that could have sodding anything in.

It's fair enough to decide your child is not allowed to do something (there's a couple coming that are not allowed to drink and that I understand and support) at someone's house, but not that they are allowed to do something the hosting parent has said no too!

@42andcounting that’s very naive.
My local newsagent has just been shut down for doing this. He also sold under the counter cigarettes from foreign countries.

Not RTFT but I’d say you are being ridiculously strict re phones and ridiculously lax re booze.

This thread has gone bonkers. I really regret posting now, all I wanted to do was have a bit of a moan about two other parents deciding the rules didn't apply to their kid, instead of either asking about it or just telling their kid 'if you don't like X's house don't go' as I would with mine.

Yes I do. Which is why I know every trick in the book

I also have two older teens in the house so I do know the tricks as well. Contrary to what you seem to think I'm not incapable (and not every detail of the party has been listed here as the point of my post wasn't about the actual set up - it was about two parents just deciding rules didn't apply to their child).

As for what mine will be drinking one will be drinking dark fruits strongbow and the other won't be drinking at all.

The fact OP had to tweak rules from previous years means that not all went well in the past.

Just to clarify - the rules have mostly been tweaked as the group got older. No alcohol to minimal alcohol for example. The only reason the max was brought in was because kids brought more than I expected, but they didn't get to drink it. They haven't been tweaked because anything went badly wrong.

The only twice there has ever been problems was once when a kid turned up already drunk and had to be taken home, and another time when (sober) they played Twister and someone hurt their wrist.

The fact she feels she needs to stay awake all night means she does not trust them.

I have actually explained already that the primary reason for staying awake is because of my DD and her health. The fact someone will be awake is something that has meant a couple of other parents are happier about allowing their child to come.

OP

Do you have to stay up every night to be awake for your DD?

I presume not. So is it the presence of drink that means you feel compelled to?

A cornershop near us had faced a ruinous fine and had their licence revoked for selling alcohol to U18s.

The kids all know where will serve them. Now they all use their zip cards to travel to a neighbouring local centre and another off-licence.

@lyralalala a pp has already said it but I was also going to say, do you stay awake every night due to your daughters health issue?

The fact a child has previously turned up drunk is probably because they thought it was acceptable in that circumstance due to previous years.

Honest question. Are any of them drunk by the end of the evening? If the answer is yes then it is not acceptable. 17 is one thing but not 15.

Also, many 16 and 17 yo have fake id. Google it. The first site that comes up declares ‘legal fake id’.
www.fakeid.co.uk

You can get it cheaper from the person in every secondary school who had learned to forge stuff.

Do you have to stay up every night to be awake for your DD?

I presume not. So is it the presence of drink that means you feel compelled to?

No, it's the presence of other people. I've always had to stay awake when she's had a sleepover as excitement, and stress, makes one of her conditions worse (she has cataplexy which is triggered by, amongst other things, laughter). She feels more relaxed if one of us is awake for her just to call on or wander through to talk too so it's something that always happens when she has people to stay.

And is one of the reasons I'm happy to do it as her social life is hampered by her conditions and it's not a regular thing.

@lyralalala I don’t think this party is as worrying as it sounds. Probably a couple of friends, playing games and having a giggle. But max 4 drinks each is wayyyyy to much.

The fact a child has previously turned up drunk is probably because they thought it was acceptable in that circumstance due to previous years.

It was the first time that child had been here so if they did think that they thought wrong. They turned up drunk because they'd been drinking in the park with an older crowd before hand.

Honest question. Are any of them drunk by the end of the evening? If the answer is yes then it is not acceptable. 17 is one thing but not 15.

Honestly no. They're allowed a drink, but they're not allowed to get drunk. The vast majority will turn up with 1 or 2 cans. A couple of the older ones maybe will have 3 (at the last party it was 2 of 15 who brought 3 cans), but none end up drunk.

The main irony of this thread given the grief I've got about the booze is that half of my moan is about a parent who would, if I wasn't so "uptight" (her words) just send her DD with a bottle of vodka and a bottle of coke.

Probably a small bottle of vodka. If she can't stand beer/cider, it's silly to not allow her a small bottle of vodka and coke.

But, your house, your rules!

What do your children think?

So you've older kids, twins, and younger kids - that suggests at least 6. How many have you?

Probably a small bottle of vodka. If she can't stand beer/cider, it's silly to not allow her a small bottle of vodka and coke.

She's fine with beer/cider, she just prefers vodka. And no, it wouldn't be a small bottle of vodka either.

I get that you don't agree with anything I've said apoiads and you are fully entitled to your opinion, but I know the kid and parent and you don't. Her Mum is quite happy for her to get completely drunk, she's of the opinion that's what teenagers do, that's her choice, but it's not happening in my house.

What do your children think?

So you've older kids, twins, and younger kids - that suggests at least 6. How many have you?

I have 6.

Well, before someone picky has a go, I have 5 plus DS1 who is technically my step son.

This thread has really torn me.
If I think back to my teenage years and make the assumption that OP’s party is similar then I would find this totally unacceptable. I also work in quite a rough school so am fully aware of what they get up to. I used to spend my summers in a village and they used to get pissed all the time, shag each other and in the worst cases, inject heroin. It’s so hard to shake off my own experiences.

My cousin has recently turned 18, I know it’s quite different but her parents hired a marquee and made it quite formal. They had access to as much alcohol as they wanted, they also live in a secluded area. All went well, parents invited too, so that makes a difference but what I’m trying to say is that they are probably a lovely bunch of responsible teens enjoying a few board games (I hope 😂😂)

What do your children think?

They're both happy with it, although one thinks they should be allowed 15 to sleep over, but there's simply not the space.

DS1, as usual, thinks there's far less rules than when he was that age, whereas the girls think he had far less rules than they do. When they are exactly the same.

My children's childminder had a lot of children. I remember one New Year's Eve we went to my childminder's for a party as she did a sort of combined adult/teenager/child/baby party (babies weren't partying, they were put to sleep with vodka and coke lol).

It was a really fun night, nobody was harmed in the incident. No dogs, hamsters or children were harmed. My children sleep like the dead and they were still up racing about like larks at 4am. They were like the walking dead the next day, but they had a really good time.

I'd love to be that relaxed. I couldn't. I'd need to take 10 valium first.

Good luck with the party. Rules are going to be broken though.

I think if you've a lot of children yourself, you're better equipped to manage multiple children invading.

I think I'd be in a corner, necking a bottle of vodka I'd nicked from one of the guests lol.

Shouting out to the teenagers 'Will you put on the Prodigy?' Now THAT'S MUSIC.

Lol.

I think I'd be in a corner, necking a bottle of vodka I'd nicked from one of the guests lol.

Lol.

I do think parents can either do parties like this or not. I know DD1's best friend would love a party like this, but her Mum, who I get on really well with, just says she couldn't handle it. She'd be too much of a nervous wreck to deal with it.

Our house being one that they are all in and out of all the time helps as there's none of the kids coming that I don't know (and helpfully all of them know that I'm not one who'll give 500 rounds of 'if you do that again I'll send you all home' but never mean it). I think the fact I worked with older kids before my youngest was born helps as well.

Ah look, it sounds like you've a home they're happy to go to. As I said, I'd either be trying to be cool and telling them all about IN MY DAY, or just rocking in a corner.

I'm not so much into rules, but with 10 invaders (ahem teenagers), you're going to need rules of some description.

Good luck with it. When is the party? I'm sure they're all looking forward to it.

I'm not so much into rules, but with 10 invaders (ahem teenagers), you're going to need rules of some description.

You do. That's why I was annoyed when after working it out with the girls, then speaking to all the parents a couple just decided to tell me what their kid would be doing in my house lol.

I can just imagine the carnage if the rules were "No bottles of vodka, well except XX because her Mum says so" lol.

When is the party? I'm sure they're all looking forward to it.

Friday, and they certainly seem too be.

Thanks for the luck lol!

I have no issue with your alcohol rules but I cannot for the life of me imagine taking a guests phone off them. I assume you do it to your adult guests too or do you just like to save it for the near adults?

However on saying that, it is fair enough you say yo front, they can just not stay.

I think the Mums were probably asking rather than telling. For e.g. when they were five, Ds hates chocolate, but I've sent him a jam doughnut.

I will never forget a concerned parent coming out of a party (ds was 6) saying, we didn't give him any of the chocolate cake as he told us straight away that he was allergic to chocolate. (Said parent was a Social Worker).

I had to say, he is NOT allergic to chocolate, he just doesn't like chocolate (yes, I have an odd child). He was probably also wanting to be allergic to something as everyone in his class is and he has no allergies lol.

I think only that she knew my child and myself she might have been wondering what the hell was going on with my ds inventing allergies.

DS - the next time you don't want cake, please say, no thank you. DO NOT say that you're allergic to chocolate!!! FFS