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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Other parents & my house rules (sort of lighthearted)

389 replies

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 15:37

Don't you just love it when other parents decide your rules don't apply to their child?

We're having a sleepover in the holidays for my twin girls birthday. As there is a mix of kids coming of 15, 16 and 17 (the joys of a small village means their mates are a mix of age) I've made clear two rules. If folks don't want to play by the rules then they can either not come, or can leave when some other folks are leaving (the ones that don't want to stay or can't stay because of things on the next morning).

After midnight phones go onto the kitchen counter for charging/to be left. There's 10 of them crashing in the living room, mixed group, so I'm sticking to the sleepover rule of 'no phones' that I've always had.

Secondly although they are allowed the occasional drink I've said they can have 3/4 beers or ciders each max. Cans or bottles only (can't be mixed with anything). No spirits. No huge bottles of anything. It's the same rule I've had for parties since my DS was old enough to have a couple of drinks.

One Mum has decided "I've told her she can keep her phone as she is worried she might want picked up". Erm, no. They can access their phones by going into the kitchen, but no phones in the sleeping area after midnight.

Another has announced that her 16yo prefers vodka and coke so she'll just send her with a premixed bottle. Erm, again, nope. No spirits, and certainly no massive bottles of anything that could have sodding anything in.

It's fair enough to decide your child is not allowed to do something (there's a couple coming that are not allowed to drink and that I understand and support) at someone's house, but not that they are allowed to do something the hosting parent has said no too!

OP posts:

GregoryPeckingDuck · 07/04/2019 16:35

I don’t really think it’s fair to get kids drunk (that is enough to get some small people/people who don’t drink regularly drunk) and leave them unable to contact their parents.

SrSteveOskowski · 07/04/2019 16:37

So you're happy to give a 15 year old 4 beers, but you want to confiscate a 17 year olds phone. Right ......

Crossfitgirl · 07/04/2019 16:37

If the girl wants to go home surely she can just come to the kitchen and get her phone.
No biggie.

Original poster

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 16:39

Weird rules if you ask me- why no phones after midnight? What happens at midnight?

I don't want cameras in the room when they anyone is asleep. With the likes of snapchat it's too easy for one 'funny' photo to cause a world of grief. I don't think any of this particular crowd would, but I'm not taking a chance.

Also- you can drink beer or cider but not vodka? What's the difference? - the kid doesn't like the taste of beer but not allowed anything else- very odd.

Spirts tend to be much stronger than basic beer or cider. It's also far more difficult to control amounts with spirits. If someone has 3 cans of cider then that's what they've got. If someone has a bottle of vodka, even pre-mixed that could be a really weak vodka or it could be really strong. There's much less control over the consumption.

It would also be easier for anyone whose parents don't allow them to drink to sneak a drink in, or have one sneaked in for them, if someone else has vodka and coke for example. This way they all have a can or a bottle and it would be instantly obvious if the kid who is supposed to be drinking coke had cider or beer.

OP posts:

Cheby · 07/04/2019 16:42

I think your rules are fine. On the vodka coke thing; I don’t like beer or cider at all, some people don’t. I might allow them to bring the cocktails in a can that you can buy in a supermarket...eg vodka and coke in a can. It’s measured so avoids your worry or big bottles or large amounts of spirits.

Original poster

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 16:42

The phones aren't out of use for them. They can all access their phones. They just can't take them into the room where people are sleeping.

Also there are people leaving at midnight as they don't want to stay or have things on in the morning.

You have teens, alcohol and mixed company. I'd want my DC to be able to leave if it got out of hand. So, taking into account your rules, I wouldn't let them attend.

Which is absolutely fine, what I'm objecting too is parents who think they can change the rules. There's a couple of girls not staying as their parents are not comfortable with a mixed sleeping area and again, totally fine. Its the ones trying to set the rules when I'm the one supervising that are annoying me.

OP posts:

RuthW · 07/04/2019 16:47

My dd certainly wouldn't be staying somewhere where she was over 13 and not allowed her phone or allowed alcohol under 18. How odd your rules are.

Original poster

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 16:49

My dd certainly wouldn't be staying somewhere where she was over 13 and not allowed her phone or allowed alcohol under 18. How odd your rules are.

If you didn't allow your DD to drink alcohol then she wouldn't be drinking it here. I've said that already. Only those allowed to drink by their parents are allowed.

And they have access to their phones. They just aren't allowed to have them in the room with sleeping people, that's all.

OP posts:

BrokenWing · 07/04/2019 16:50

Your house, your rules. But my ds wouldn't be there as your rules arent consistent and I wouldn't know wtf you would and wouldn't allow.

15 year olds allowed to drink 3-4 beers and then mixed sleeping over with 17 year olds requires a lot of trust that the children will behave responsibily, but then you don't even trust them with a phone but only after midnight. Madness. You are trying too hard to be cool and appear strict but, as one of the children said, just sounding weird.

Original poster

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 16:53

If they were all 17 I'd relax the phone thing, but they're not. So I'm not changing the rule that's been in place since they were younger that once folks are likely to be asleep there's no camera phones in there.

OP posts:

FrancisCrawford · 07/04/2019 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exWifebeginsat40 · 07/04/2019 16:58

you’re just going to have a bunch of drunk teenagers in the kitchen on their phones all night.

also, a ‘mixed’ sleeping area? so, boys and girls? after a few drinks, i would say ‘no phones’ is the least of your worries if this is the set-up...

Notwiththeseknees · 07/04/2019 16:58

I think your rules are sensible, straightforward & consistent. The amount of posters believing drinking alcohol in a private house is illegal under 18yo is shocking - besides, they can only drink if their parents allow it and provide it.
The phones rule is very sensible too. They are available in the kitchen if they need to ring their parents, but not to take photos of other guests sleeping. Also, are these the same parents who 'always' know what their teens are looking at on the internet?
FWIW, quite a few high profile weddings ban mobile phones and do the guests parents have a mass panic attack incase their middle aged kids can't call them? Totes hilares the pearl clutchers !

Rubusfruticosus · 07/04/2019 17:07

I have a couple of years to go until I'll be a parent with a child in that age range, but I don't think I'd be happy with 3-4 beers or ciders for a 15 year old. Do you mean 3-4 bottles? cans? units? I wouldn't have more than two pints of cider myself as an adult.

HotpotLawyer · 07/04/2019 17:08

If you allow beer and cider I would allow a pre-mixed can of vodka lemonade or one of the vodka alcopops. I agree with not allowing bottles of spirits but I don’t see the problem with a bottle of Smirnoff Ice instead of cider.

WarpedGalaxy · 07/04/2019 17:10

Will you be sleeping in the kitchen guarding the phones? I’m given to understand that you won’t be sleeping in the mixed sleeping room full of teens under the influence of alcohol since in that case it wouldn’t matter if they kept their phones or not.

You said before about cameras, so it’s not the potential for any inappropriate alcohol-fueled behaviour you’re worried about just the potential for any inappropriate alcohol-fueled behaviour to be recorded?

Acis · 07/04/2019 17:13

At 15,16,17 they are more than old enough to have phones on a night

But none of them need their phones with them. Even without the photograph issue, you'll have phones going off and disturbing the others, kids messing around on games and the internet etc. They can manage without over the period when they'll be asleep anyway.

Original poster

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 17:14

I mean that 3-4 cans or bottles is the most anyone is allowed to bring regardless if their parent allows more. Most of them tend to be allowed to bring 2 or 3 cans, but there are a few parents who would buy their child a 6 pack of cans or whatever so I put a limit on it.

The key thing that a lot of people are missing though is that it's up to the parents. So some kids are allowed 1 and some none. I'm not saying that all the kids are allowed 3 or 4 drinks. It's just that I put an upper limit on it because I learned quickly some don't.

OP posts:

Acis · 07/04/2019 17:15

Will you be sleeping in the kitchen guarding the phones?

I would put money on the fact that OP will be awake well before any teenagers. Therefore if any phones have been sneaked into the sleeping area she will find out and I assume the culprit will be sent home immediately - and they will know that.

TixieLix · 07/04/2019 17:16

Are you sleeping in the lounge with them OP? If not, what's to stop them getting their phones after you've gone off to bed?

Original poster

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 17:19

There will be an adult awake all night yes.

I'm not worried about anything sexual (I know the bunch well and neither of the boys staying have any interest in girls) if that's what you are getting at.

I just don't want any daftness ending up on snapchat. For example there was an incident recently where a crowd of them were at the park and one of the girls fell off a swing. It was on snapchat and went daft around the school. It wasn't particularly bad, but it was embarassing for her. So I'm not risking someone snoring or talking about the boy they like or whatever ending up on snapchat. I don't think there will be anything major happening (I wouldn't allow a party if I thought that) however, I do think a lot of teens are daft about embarassing things on the likes of snapchat.

The midnight cut off is because it's a natural break in the night. There's more coming before that, but midnight is when those going home are being collected and it's when the noise needs to calm down (we're detatched before anyone worries about neighbours) etc. So it's just a natural point in the night for phones to be in the kitchen.

OP posts:

anitagreen · 07/04/2019 17:21

They can have alcohol but not their phone bit weird

Fresta · 07/04/2019 17:25

The boys don't have interest in girls? Are they gay?

Badtasteflump · 07/04/2019 17:27

Tbh it sounds nuts to me - although it’s your house so your rules.

I wouldn’t be allowing underage drinking in my house - and as an aside, 3-4 drinks each sounds a lot and will probably lead to somebody puking.

I wouldn’t allow mixed sleepovers for that age either.

But I would think older teens are old enough not to have their phones confiscated at midnight.

Good luck!

MoonStarsSun · 07/04/2019 17:35

Are you going to search their bags though? (genuine question). At 16/17 I was no tearaway and hardly drank (didn't like the taste much, still don't) but if I'd have wanted to have extra drinks I'd definitely have found a way to sneak them in.

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