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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All natural birth?

565 replies

TerribleTwosPhase · 07/04/2019 11:08

Ok first time posting on AIBU so putting my hard hat on for this one...
Do you genuinely believe that having a baby with no pain relief/intervention or anything makes it a superior birth to someone who hasn't?
Before I had DD I was quite relaxed about my birth plan, didn't want any pain relief or anything if I could manage it, but wasn't against it. In the end after 3 days of labour with a back to back baby and not progressing I had to have an epidural. Fine that's what needed to happen to safely deliver my baby, and as my body was starting to have issues it was the safest way of processing for us both if I needed an emergency c section. I have no issues with this and understand it's just what had to happen, not my ideal birth but we are both happy and healthy so that's all that matters.
Woman on my Facebook has just announced her babies birth with the line " total natural birth, I am a lioness!"
AIBU to think that this is a bit ridiculous, be proud of yourself fair enough, but do we really need to make people feel bad about how they gave birth? Do you secretly feel better about yourself knowing you done it with no pain relief?
I'm really not trying to be goady here please don't take it like that, but does the fact that everything went textbook for someone mean it's more noteworthy than for someone who didn't? I see so many women on here who are disappointed with their birth experiences and I think things like this surely can't help?

OP posts:
BarrenFieldofFucks · 07/04/2019 12:35

When a vasectomy takes 27 hours and involves being ripped apart while medical staff patronise and/or ignore you, I'll take that comparison.

First labour was back to back, and brow presentation. Fuck me that hurt.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 07/04/2019 12:36

Oh my God. Women get pregnant and then they have a baby.

Should it really matter to anyone how it happens? Natural, c-section, babies have to mothers straight afterwards, babies in SCBU... Does it really bloody matter as long as you have a baby at the end of it?

angelunderneath · 07/04/2019 12:38

Looking at births that have resulted in a healthy mother and a healthy baby, I think the ‘superior’ ones are where the mother was supported in informed choice, consent and in control and has warm, happy, proud memories of the event. Whether that’s an elective section, epidural hospital birth or a home water birth.

Carblover · 07/04/2019 12:38

I have had the privilege of helping 100s of women labour and birth and been present at many more during birthing plus my own 2 experiences
We are all wonderful amazing strong people capable of coping with whatever and however it happens and what ever it takes to get to place your baby in your arms
I remember a senior midwife telling me as a student
Birth is natural but not always naturally easy, so our role was to help and support them through however it happened
We should all be proud of our achievements bringing a new life into the world

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 12:39

I feel very proud of myself for having been able to give birth to two big babies completely “naturally”. I was as high as a kite about it for ages. That doesn’t mean I look down on or feel superior to any women who didn’t or couldn’t. And I wouldn’t post on FB about it. But yes, I was very proud of myself.

TheDarkPassenger · 07/04/2019 12:40

My first one was totally ‘natural’ second only gas and air, and no it doesn’t really matter, I’m lucky to have babies that fly out my fanny fast and others for, doesn’t make anyone better than anyone else. She’s probably just proud of herself because I was a little bit after the first cos I can be a wimp, I’m not a showy off Facebook kinda person though, different strokes.

I wouldn’t let it bother you tbh, I had gas and air with my second and I frickin swear by the stuff, I want one in my house just for general aches and pains, I’m no bloody lioness 😂😂

Parker231 · 07/04/2019 12:41

@CraftyGin - so you think opting for an epidural is giving in?

Celebelly · 07/04/2019 12:41

Not all labours and births are equal. The variables in levels of pain, onset of labour, duration, intensity, make it impossible to compare. It's not like every woman experiences it the same and some women are 'strong' enough to power through without drugs and other woman aren't.

I did all the hypnobirthing stuff, active labour, breathing techniques, maximising oxytocin, creating a soothing environment... and my body was just shit at labour and gave me back to back contractions without gaps and I wasn't dilating despite being upright and active during labour. And then my baby was in distress. Foolishly beforehand I thought that if I did all that stuff, I would have this magical natural birth. But it was out of my hands in the end. I think if you've had a textbook birth it's easy to credit the stuff you 'did' to make it happen, and I'm sure in some cases it does help, but there's such an element of luck to it.

OneDayillSleep · 07/04/2019 12:48

She just gave birth without pain relief and was proud of herself, meh so what? Why would that make you feel bad?

I don’t really care what anyone else does, I was proud of myself both times, I got a healthy baby out of me twice without any help. I came very close to needing help both times. I didn’t shout about it or share birth details on Facebook, that’s not my style. Some people do or sometimes their husband’s do, my husband did write something nice about me and how well I did but not going into so much detail.

Thehop · 07/04/2019 12:50

I had 1 all natural
No pain relief, 1 has and air, one vaginal deliver with epidural and 1 emergency section with everything under the sun. Feel I delivered them all!

Triangled · 07/04/2019 12:54

After having a miscarriage I felt anger towards anyone who posted on fb that they were pregnant, or had given birth....however that didn't stop me from announcing my successful pregnancy and birth. It was my issue, not theirs. If someone feels proud and strong after birthing their baby with no pain relief then let them get on with it. I post my own achievements without considering too much how sad it might make other people feel who haven't achieved the same. Does that make me selfish? I wanted a natural but ended up with a failed emergency induction which led to an emcs. I was sad because it was not what O'd wanted and it does make me a little sad when others announce they did it naturally. I've never thought they feel superior though. It's just that it's something I wanted to do, for myself, but went wrong...kind of like dropping out of the marathon early due to injury. Would you say other people celebrating completing the marathon were feeling superior to those who dropped out through injury?

Mrsjayy · 07/04/2019 12:54

Having medical intervention isn't a failure or having no drugs isn't a sucsess as long as baby gets out is surely all that matters

Celebelly · 07/04/2019 12:57

The marathon analogy only works if everyone's 'marathon' is a different length, some are doing it uphill, some are doing it in 35 degrees of heat, some are doing it carrying bricks in their backpack...

PCohle · 07/04/2019 12:57

I wouldn't feel proud of myself for not taking a painkiller if I had a headache. I saw birth as pretty much the same.

I'm proud all my kids were delivered safely without unnecessary suffering or trauma on my part. I tend to think how much pain relief and medical intervention is required has more to do with luck/chance than how hard a woman is trying.

Sindragosan · 07/04/2019 12:59

With so many births that leave women with PTSD, pnd etc. any birth that is a positive experience is great, but I think there needs to be more compassion and a realisation that just because you had a good experience doesn't mean everyone else did or can.

For the record, I had a csection, with 10-15 people in the room and a whole pile of drugs. It isn't necessarily what I'd have chosen before getting pregnant, but it was the right decision for me and my baby. I'm ok with what happened and don't believe anyone else is entitled to an opinion on it.

hammeringinmyhead · 07/04/2019 12:59

I was proud of my gas and air birth because I have never applied myself to anything quite as much as I did the 20 minutes of pushing to get DS out. I went from 4-10cm in under an hour and he was in distress. I didn't brag on social media though!

MamaLovesMango · 07/04/2019 13:02

I don’t understand why it’s annoying you though OP. Can’t you see, you’re accusing her of doing exactly what you’re doing here? Only, she isn’t saying your birth was shit, or pushing anything on you. She’s just saying she had a good experience and she feels empowered, which is exactly as it should be. Can you not just be happy she had a good experience and feel happy you also had a good experience?

I gave birth to my first on a shot of pethadine. I felt empowered afterwards. I was proud of me and proud of her. I had an elective section for my second. I felt empowered of us both then too.

Women should feel proud and empowered after birth. Women shouldn’t be putting eachother down or taking offence when none was given. It really is a sorry state of affairs when no one can talk about something a huge as childbirth for fear of causing offence of being judged and shamed.

She shouldn’t be shamed for feeling strong right now just the same as you shouldn’t be shamed for having an epidural. It’s a two way thing.

CoffeeMilkNoSugar · 07/04/2019 13:08

Give me all the pain relief. I like my births to be as medicalised, easy, and painless as possible. I'm not a fucking martyr, there are no trophies for suffering, and nobody will build a statue in my honour for being the best crunchy mama. Childbirth pain is unnecessary, entirely avoidable AND disgustingly fetishised. It's like we WANT women to be in pain. Fuck that.

Newmumma83 · 07/04/2019 13:09

I think it’s all a matter of perspective , I had an “easy” birth where it progressed quickly and I didn’t have pain relief ... to be honest I barley touched the gas and air ... but it hurt so bad I couldn’t concentrate on gas and air and pushing so it was give up
The gas and air or have an intervention by doctor.

It upsets me when I am told I had an easy birth ... honestly please tell me what was easy about it.

I am proud of myself but I didn’t get anything else because frankly there was no time ... trust me I wanted it, but I knew it was going to happen fully dilated

I was lucky it was quick and a 2 day labour followed by Emergancy c section would have been awful but ievery birth is unique / painful / and after it’s done empowering for all of us! / even if you have pain relief early on there is all the after pain, tears/ wounds to heal on no sleep

We are all warrior women! What ever our experience! And we should
All be able to be proud of our experiences and not feel we had oak. Relief we are less of a woman or we didn’t have it because labour was quick therefore we were not
In enough pain or in pain long enough to be proud!

Siameasy · 07/04/2019 13:11

Another back to back, 3 days of it, got stuck, forceps one here! Bloody hell!
Let her have her moment but it’s not a see saw whereby the entirely natural birth is up there and the C Section is down here. Each experience is unique, every female’s body is different and no one can ever know what pain another is going through.

mumwon · 07/04/2019 13:14

My favourite quote was in "junior" where the wife of obstetrician who says she wants it natural grabs him by the throat & says she wants drugs! every birth is different, some woman don't feel that much pain have short simple labours - others have long tiring labours or complex ones & feel excruciating agony - success is having a baby. full stop.

stucknoue · 07/04/2019 13:18

I preferred my natural birth but it was my second and very easy so it's hard to separate the lack of gas & air vs me being more relaxed and nicer surroundings

Octopus37 · 07/04/2019 13:24

I gave birth to DS1 without pain relief cause I had no choice, there wasn’t time. I did not think it was the better option, I did not feel valiant. I felt totally out of control and as if I was going to die, sorry if that sounds dramatic. Second time round, I went overdue and one midwife told me that she thought I had stopped myself going into labour cause I was so scared. I was induced and given an epidural at the same time. My experience was much more positive and my labour was only slightly longer. Personally I don’t understand the fascination people have with having no pain relief

AlexaAmbidextra · 07/04/2019 13:32

I just don’t get this. Now I’ll hold up my hands and say I’ve never given birth but I really don’t see what there is about absence of analgesia that renders anyone superior. In my younger days when I used to suffer from absolutely agonising, banging my head on the wall type migraines, I couldn’t imagine thinking ‘I won’t take any painkillers, I’ll be so proud of myself if I get through this medication free’. And then boast to everyone about how much better I am than those who chose to have analgesia. What’s so special or ‘proud-making’ about putting yourself through unceccessary pain?

doIreallyneedto · 07/04/2019 13:32

@CoffeeMilkNoSugar - I'm not a fucking martyr, there are no trophies for suffering, and nobody will build a statue in my honour for being the best crunchy mama. Childbirth pain is unnecessary, entirely avoidable AND disgustingly fetishised. It's like we WANT women to be in pain. Fuck that.

Your attitude is pretty appalling and very negative towards other women's choices. Irl I have never come across a woman who has had a medication free birth and who has judged or had negative attitudes towards women who choose (or need) a birth with meds. However, i have come across those who choose meds who, like you, judge and look down on those who choose med-free. Maybe try being a bit less nasty and judgemental and accept that different ways work for different people.