Who should have their own room (2.5yrs on)

[SouthernNorthernGirl]

I posted a couple of years ago, asking who should have their own room. 3DC with 2 bedrooms between them. One is a box room and one is a small double. The DCs's current ages are DS1 16yrs, DS2 10yrs and DD 6yrs.

Mainly, just about, the vote was for the boys to share, with a few suggestions to leave as is, and to leave few years to swap. I did do that, we haven't moved, and DS1 still does not want to swap to share with his brother.

To update a few things from the last post, DS1 is now at college. DS2 received his diagnosis and is ASD. DD does want her own room now (she didn't before)

We had hoped to move, however this hasn't happened and so it is what it is.

Any suggestions, or thoughts on whats fair would be helpful. I'm at a loss to make everyone happy

you have no idea of someone's circumstances and why they can't afford to move; job loss, health crisis to name a few.

OP said that they were ok with the two older boys in the two bedroom property, and they decided to have the third child, knowing that they would have to share the parent's bedroom, and knowing that they would grow up to need space. They said that they expected that they could afford a bigger property in the future, but they gambled on their children, and now they are stuck trying to figure out what to do with too many children in too small of a space. Surely no one thinks that three children and two adults in a two bedroom space is suitable in any way, shape or form?

Slagging the OP off for her past choices doesn't help her or her kids now though does it? What exactly are you hoping to achieve by giving her a good telling off beyond making yourself feel good?

Two kids sharing a room is hardly a shocking parenting failure.

The sleeping only bedroom and quiet study in the boxroom also sounds like a workable solution, if three beds will fit in the double bedroom, one will probably need to be a bunk bed.

I don't see the point of this—just leave the older son in the boxroom and split the double into two.

Well I have similar but the opposite ways round. I have 2 dd [ 12 and 7 ] who share a bigger room and my ds who is 11 on his own. The two girls fight like cat and dog. It drives me insane. Its daily but I don't think I can do anything about it as its just not right to get my ds who is 11 share with my youngest who is female and 7.
I think you need to give the single box room to your dd.

Boys the larger of the double bedrooms, you have the smaller double bedroom, girl in box room. Or they all have a room each and parents on a sofa bed in the lounge

Chloemol there is no third bedroom!

It’s one double and a box room. The parents sleep in the living area.

OP-how set in stone is it that you can’t move? Is it worth finding a good mortgage advisor to see what they can do?

Given the situation, all you can do is have DD in the box room and the boys share if you really can’t move.

I think the two younger ones sharing is fine for another couple of years. I don't get the big deal with siblings of opposite sex sharing as long as both respect each other's privacy and they have a place to change.

I can't see how a 16 year old and a 10 year old sharing would work.

Things you could do:

Tell DS1 that whilst he'll always have a place to stay with you, if he's away at uni at 18 he will need to share a bedroom with his brother in holiday times. If he's still living at home at 18 he will need to share with his brother full-time.

By 18, he will no longer be a child and therefore have to compromise on sleeping arrangements like the other adults in the household.

Do this sooner if you feel it is no longer appropriate at all for DS2 and DD to share, although I think you would get away with it for another 18 months-2 years.

Other options:

Rent your house out and rent somewhere bigger.

Look into getting a builder/architect to split the upstairs space 3-ways - removing all walls upstairs and reconfiguring.

Look into a downstairs extension as cheaper than the cost of moving.

You move before you have the children and you have enough space for their needs

And then - like us - have two spare bedrooms when the children don't happen...

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and all that.

I'm going to be blunt here and say that I think safety has to come absolutely first and that would be the safety of your DD not to be exposed to your DS2's puberty and the behaviours that naturally occur during this time. DS2 will start experimenting sexually with himself soon, if not already, and a young girl should not be exposed to this obviously. As you have only one bathroom (I presume) for 5 people I think it's unlikely and unrealistic he will go in there to experiment with others needing to use the facilities constantly. There is always the risk (although unlikely and unpalatable to think about it does happen, more than we think) for sibling sexual abuse to happen more easily in mixed sex room sharing. We all like to think it would never happen but the harsh reality is that it does happen sometimes, why put your children in this situation when you could avoid it.

In your situation I would move DS1 and DS2 in together, give some consideration of how you can partition the room to give privacy to each and I would get a study bed for the box room: www.studybed.co.uk, or something like it.

I lived in a house with one of these and it's great and works really well. Your DD can sleep on it in the night and your DS1 can use it in the day to study. When DD goes to bed and your DS1 wants to study he can do so in his bedroom with a good pair of noise cancelling headphones which he can use to listen to music etc. Maybe he can choose a pair he'd like, sort of a carrot or consolation prize for sharing with his brother. If you can't fit a table in the bedroom I wouldn't worry too much, he can study on his bed, or if you can squeeze a small study space under the stairs even better. Your DD can play downstairs and your DS2 can have some space in the bedroom on his own during the day. Hopefully DS1 will go to university and this will ease all of your burdens. He can share with DS2 when he comes home for holidays and weekends, it won't be ideal but you have to accept that your situation is not ideal. It is workable however.

OP The people who we bought this house from had a third unplanned child - a daughter after two sons. They converted the upstairs bathroom to a third bedroom (we may yet change it back if we stay here) and built a new bathroom extension downstairs. Is that doable?

OP you are seeking a solution that makes everyone happy. Sadly it's such a big ask under your circumstances but I do hope that you find a solution that works for you and your family. I do not understand PPs who said that children must have own room at a certain age. If you have space and/or funds to give a child their own room then by all means do so but if circumstances do not permit this, then surely you can only do the best with what you have.

A ten year old boy can't share a room with his 6 year old little sister because of the risk of sibling sexual abuse? Good Lord.

Why isn't DS2 at risk of being abused by DS1? Presumably a 16yo boy is more likely to be, ahem, "experimenting sexually with himself" than a 10 year old lad?

I think the DD should get the room to herself to respect everyone's privacy and developing sense of modesty, but it's hardly bloody flowers in the attic.

Well this sound really shit for everyone. What a nightmare purposely overcrowding your house like that.

Is there nowhere you can move to? Cheaper area?

But I would have the 16 year old in the box room and the two younger ones in the double each with their own cabin study bed type thing and have a dividing curtain that can be drawn for privacy or shut out light if they go to bed at different times.

I suggest sitting down with the 16 year old and asking him to help redesign the big room so there is an appropriate space for each boy. Bring out the Ikea catalogue and give him a budget for furniture.
Let the younger one choose colours and storage and bedding for his part of the room but let the older one sort out the space.
Tell him his sister is moving into the box room on her 7th birthday and that that is non negotiable.

I think you’ll get away with it for another year or two until DS1 moves out. At that point DS2 will be 12 and at the point of needing his own privacy due to puberty, so DD can move into the box room. If DS1 wants to come home during the holidays then he’ll have to accept he’ll just have a bed in his brother’s room.

Honestly dd needs her own room and the boys should share.. it might even motivate him the oldest to do better at school and seriously work towards goinh to uni and move out. He'll always have a home but it will be with his brother sharing a room when he's home for the weekend or holidays. In situations like these you can't please everyone and they're gonna have to make sacrifices and he's probably gonna have to share when he's of to uni so it's a good way to practice that.

I’m in a two bed house and have 2 sons, 9 and 5, older one has ASD and really needs his own room but can’t afford to do any major building works just now. So we’ve divided the larger room up with these from B&Q, which are simple to put up and pretty cheap when compared to the costs of renovation.

In a 12 months time we’ll be able to afford the garage conversion and rear extension that will give everyone their own room, but in the meantime these are working well for us.

@southern northern girl

I would leave at is until the summer of 2020, DS1 in spare room so he can study, tell DS1 that during the school holidays of 2020 there will be a swap this is not negotiable DD will get box room and he will need to share with his brother, and DD and DS2 continue sharing until then another 14 months when they will be 7 and 11 ( maybe 8 an 12)

There are various styles of bunks or built in beds that can offer privacy a carpenter can probably design something a bit like those Japanese hotels where there is basically just a bed, DS1 can have TV at end of bed and use headphones with drop down blackout blinds, if at college he can do some studying in college library and then use the Kitchen after the evening meal , if he moves out to uni he will understand he has to share a room with his brother at holidays

I was the eldest of 5, 4 girls and 1 boy, my sister and 1 had bunks in the smallest room, my other 2 sisters and brother shared the largest room 1 set of bunks and a single, my parents had the other bedroom
we used the dining room table to study, my parents had the little ones in lounge or garden until their bedtime so myself and sister could study one at each end of dining table it was absolutely fine

OP could you have a summer house in the garden? Could be good for your eldest? Otherwise if it’s just you could you share with dd? I really don’t mean to be offensive if you have a partner- just if not.

Otherwise i think the solution of dd in box room but ds can use to study in the daytime

You said earlier that you can't make everyone happy, but now you're saying your children are perfectly happy? Just keep the set up you have then if that's the case.

If the DD has her own room then DS1 can only use it to study weekends. She presumably goes to bed fairly early. So he will be studying or chilling in a room where DS2 is trying to sleep. That just wont work. I had to share with a sister some years younger than me . All my down time at home was spent with my parents because of little sister being in bed. If I had a friend round for the evening had to stay downstairs because LS was in bed. Eventually a loft conversion sorted the problem but that wasn't till I was about 17.

Leave as is for now, and then once DS1 exams are over switch the rooms. I think your younger two sharing is fine for now, but bunk beds / dividing the space so there's clear areas for each of them would be good