Who should have their own room (2.5yrs on)

[SouthernNorthernGirl]

I posted a couple of years ago, asking who should have their own room. 3DC with 2 bedrooms between them. One is a box room and one is a small double. The DCs's current ages are DS1 16yrs, DS2 10yrs and DD 6yrs.

Mainly, just about, the vote was for the boys to share, with a few suggestions to leave as is, and to leave few years to swap. I did do that, we haven't moved, and DS1 still does not want to swap to share with his brother.

To update a few things from the last post, DS1 is now at college. DS2 received his diagnosis and is ASD. DD does want her own room now (she didn't before)

We had hoped to move, however this hasn't happened and so it is what it is.

Any suggestions, or thoughts on whats fair would be helpful. I'm at a loss to make everyone happy

I think OP you have to understand why people are asking about your planning, children sharing rooms is fine but you're sleeping in your sitting room. A two bed house with two children is fine, the DCs share and parents have a room, a three bed with three children again fine with the same set up. People ask me why I want to stop at one child. The answer is my desire to provide a comfortable life for us all outweighs my selfish want to have multiple children. There is no way I'd be sleeping in an area of a sitting room as an adult and parent for years. Your only choice here is to put the two boys in together. DS1 will just have to suck it up, you say you want to keep everyone happy but you didn't plan for that.

Your son is not going to have the luxury of going to university. He needs to get a job and move out or get a job so you can move.

*Supercuts
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Back off with ya sly comments, OP has asked for advice not criticism!

Unlike you supercuts this is the harsh reality of life!

If you nothing nice to say, say nothing at all 🤐🤐🤐

People ask me why I want to stop at one child. The answer is my desire to provide a comfortable life for us all outweighs my selfish want to have multiple children.

Exactly

DS of 16 needs a room to himself more than DD of 6, but obviously that's time limited. Hopefully in a couple of years DS will move on anyway and solve the issue.

I think lots of posters are forgetting that the 16 year old boy needs a place to study. It doesn’t sound like there will be one if he has to give his bedroom to his little sister. Given the parents are sleeping in living room, there’s no dining room or other room to be converted into a bedroom (so can’t use this as a study) and he will be sharing a room with a younger child. So where is he going to study if he shares a room? If he shares it with younger DS he will have to work around bed-times and DS with ASD will have to be told that at certain times he can’t go to his room- which may be problematic for him given his ASD. Or is he supposed to study in the living room with everyone else around/TV on/chatting etc and all the other hustle and bustle of a busy household of 3 children and 2 adults living in a small home.

I don’t think a 6 year old in with an elder teen is a particularly great idea TBH. But still wouldn’t sort out the issue of where DS1 should study.

Personally, I think DS1’s studying/exams are more important than a 6 year old wanting a room to herself. I suspect another year or two will be fine, albeit not ideal. I suppose it does depend on the needs of your son with ASD, does he lly need his own room?

Could you put an insulated shed on the garden for DS1 to study in? Or extend current mortgage slightly to add an extension?

With exams approaching I would say older ds should have the room. Younger 2 share.

I dont think a 6 year olds need for privacy is greater than 16 year old.

Your only choice here is to put the two boys in together.

I also think that's the only solution.

If there isn't any other space, loft, garage, dining room etc, or enough outside space to have a caravan / outbuilding then there really isn't any other option.

Ds1 will be mad but he has to understand that he's had his own for for many years now, his parents don't even have their own room. He needs to accept this is the way it has to be.

I know several parents who sleep in the living room so their children can have the two bedrooms . I know several siblings who share a small room in bunk beds with a five year age gap. My three dd all shared one room until the oldest two went to university and they still share when they come back . This is normal where I live because property is expensive. No one is hard done by. They have a nice life and all did great at school.

I would leave it as it is, but make it clear to older DC that at 18 he is welcome to stay at home, but at that point he shares with his brother. Younger DD will be 8 at that point.

"For those that are asking, I don't have any extra spaces - the loft can't be converted"

Do you have a garden, @SouthernNorthernGirl?

First of all, divide the double room (properly) for either the two boys or the two youngest. When I say 'properly' I mean get inventive, either have a proper floor to ceiling division panel (professionally put in) OR make your own (making it look more of a permanent structure by careful placing of furniture).
You can buy room dividers, for example these look really easy and effective www.diy.com/departments/karalis-room-divider/1012710_BQ.prd?utm_source=google_cpc&utm_medium=shopping&utm_campaign=PX_GSC_Building_+_Best_Sellers&ppc_type=shopping&ds_kids=92700039226147258&gclid=EAIaIQobChMItcXMq-K94QIVzbXtCh2bzwlNEAQYASABEgLy0vD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds then place bookcases/ chests of drawers/ etc against them, to make them appear more structural, IYSWIM.

Then furnish/dress either side of the divide, in a way that creates two separate (tiny) rooms. I don't think it would matter which two children had them, because they would be separate 'rooms' (in fact, do it well, and they might all be fighting over them)!

If you happen to have a garden, you could perhaps consider putting up a sectional Summer House (shed) and turning it into a study/games area/play room, which would give them all a little more occasional 'separate' time.

Could you put up the floor plan/size of the double? Perhaps posters would be able to give you more ideas!

I would wait until DS1 is due to go to uni then make the change then with DD in the box room, DS2 in the double with DS1 staying there when he returns.

I have 2 children taking a leveks one tbis year one next year. They do a lot of studying, coursework and essays. They need quiet space for this. Also a 16 year old will be going to sleep significantly later than a 10 year old. Will he want some down time watching t.v or gaming in his room whilst the 10 year old is trying to sleep. If you cant move could you maybe do a loft conversion?

Anything I'm missing here?
Yes, your house is too small.

This is hilarious! Children do not need their own rooms FFS!

(I hate doing this but...) I'm one of five. Three girls shared the biggest room. Two boys shared another room and Mum and Dad had their own room Admittedly they were all good sized doubles. It was FINE!

In your case OP if you think it would benefit his studies, leave DS1 where he is until he's finished his exams then swap him with DD. Kids do not get to make these decisions when needs must.

I don’t understand why you can’t move because of children settled at school 🤔. Move to a bigger house still near the school.

If you mean you can’t because of money then there is no way your family can afford for your eldest to go to uni I’m afraid. The average student debt £50,000. He’ll have to work to help you out.

DontCallMeCharlotte Hardly the same. These people are sleeping in the living room.

Have you considered renting this house out and renting somewhere bigger?

charlotte Yes lots of kids share rooms, but there does tend to be somewhere quiet teenagers doing exams can work. The parents are sleeping in the living room, so there is nowhere.
Exams are very important and space to study should be prioritised above everything.

Not all children go to university and it is not that common for children to move out at 18 as it used to be. If they can’t afford to move I assume they can’t afford to give their DC a helping hand to get their own place/help with university

doctorsbag Young people go to university and totally self fund without any help from parents.

The average student debt £50,000

Which he won't pay back a penny of until he is working and earning over £25k so irrelevant to the current situation. If the eldest goes away to uni and yes, works part time to supplement his student loan, the other two DC will have their own rooms while he is away.

Since moving isn't a current option, and your oldest is in GCSE years, I would consider something dramatic like putting all 3 into the double room with bed spaces, shelf/wardrobe dividers for privacy ... or in the sectioned off 'room' downstairs if it's a bigger area ... and deem the chosen room for sleeping/changing only, or quiet reading in bed with a small targeted light in the evenings. Just like sharing a holiday room ... where you're only in there to sleep, really.

Turn the box room into a study room, working surfaces around the walls, partitions where necessary, desk chairs, comfortable chair or two, good lights at working stations. That way your oldest always has a quiet place to go to do his work, and I imagine he'll be up later than the other 2 doing it. Can crawl into his bed at the end of the day.

Playing is downstairs or outside, end of. Not in sleeping room. Tough on the littlest, but needs must.

Or, like others have suggested, caravan on the drive or summerhouse room in the garden for oldest.

Why does what your son wants take precedence over what your daughter needs?

I can well imagine that a 16 yo doesnt want to share with a 10 yo. But a girl needs to not be sharing a room with a boy on the threshold of puberty, certainly not for very much longer. And that boy also needs not to be sharing a room with his little sister.

It does feel to me as though you’re favouring your DS1. He doesn’t want to share so he doesn’t have to. But the boys sharing is the only viable solution here. He’ll just have to suck it up.

Whether he goes to university or not, I think it is fair to say that he has to share at 18.