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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should have their own room (2.5yrs on)

234 replies

SouthernNorthernGirl · 07/04/2019 09:49

I posted a couple of years ago, asking who should have their own room. 3DC with 2 bedrooms between them. One is a box room and one is a small double. The DCs's current ages are DS1 16yrs, DS2 10yrs and DD 6yrs.

Mainly, just about, the vote was for the boys to share, with a few suggestions to leave as is, and to leave few years to swap. I did do that, we haven't moved, and DS1 still does not want to swap to share with his brother.

To update a few things from the last post, DS1 is now at college. DS2 received his diagnosis and is ASD. DD does want her own room now (she didn't before)

We had hoped to move, however this hasn't happened and so it is what it is.

Any suggestions, or thoughts on whats fair would be helpful. I'm at a loss to make everyone happy Grin Shock

OP posts:
DontCallMeCharlotte · 07/04/2019 13:13

These people are sleeping in the living room.

I know. And of course the house is too small but life is what happens while you're making plans and OP is not in a position to move. Her own sleeping arrangements, while not ideal, are not the issue here.

nonevernotever · 07/04/2019 13:17

I feel really strongly about this I'm afraid - at 10 I was sexually assaulted by my younger brother when we had to share a room for a night. I know my experience probably wasn't normal, but I would be moving dd into the boxroom and doing what I could to divide the boys room into 2 and trying to create a study corner somewhere for your eldest. Sil has a desk next to the front door at the foot of the stairs. Would something like that be possible?

Catandchicken · 07/04/2019 13:17

Have you seen the room separators made out of pallets? I was just thinking - cheap, effective and can be adapted for each child.

How about you set up three sleeping areas upstairs - and then, are needs-led and totally honest about what each space provides: a door/a place where if you go to bed first, you won't have someone walking through/your own space. Then,
son with AS gets first choice
son with A-levels next
and DD gets what is left this time, but will be able to move when/if son goes away to uni'.
Is there a local uni' library close to you? Could eldest DS study there? Does his school have a quiet library where he could study? Or what about noise cancelling headphones or earplugs for when he is at home and studying?
Alternatively, what suggestions have your kids come up with? I suspect they will provide better answers than MN.

S1naidSucks · 07/04/2019 13:18

If you have a yard, you could put the biggest shed you can afford into it. That way the children can keep the bulk of their toys out there and have a big play room.

You could even put a bed/bed settee out there, if you insulate it. I put insulation sheets on the shed floor and covered it with Lino/vinyl, used insulation wool for the walls (sheets can sweat on walls) and roof, sheeted it in and use it as a big washroom. It doesn’t take much to heat it, or you could use an electric blanket.

MidniteScribbler · 07/04/2019 13:19

Seriously? Are you choosing to just ignore the fact that I've said repeatedly we had/ still have a plan to move?

So you gambled on your finances? You move before you have the children and you have enough space for their needs, not bleat about your misfortune 10 years later. Seriously, if you can't afford to move from your very small property where you are sleeping in the lounge room in a ten year period, then your third child (and probably the second) was a very poor choice. You made the choice to have more children than you could fit, this is on you, not on the 'market' or anything else. Seriously, at the point you had two children in a two bedroom flat, you didn't stop to think. 'hmmm, how are we going to fit another one in?'

If you want an answer to your totally impossible living situation, leave the rooms they are for the next two years. Look up some dorm room setups on Pintrest and give the children in the double their own raised bunk bed with a desk underneath and a curtain that they can pull around their bed and desk area. Tell 16 year old that they will have to move to uni accommodation in two years time if they go, or they'll have to look for a room share. If the then 18 year old chooses to stay at home, then he goes into the double with his brother and the bunks with curtains scenario, or he finds somewhere else to live (and spends many years resenting his parents of the choices they have made).

tickingthebox · 07/04/2019 13:19

Lets be honest you are ignoring the elephant in the room....you need a bigger house.

I personally would be looking at the available options, locally and a little further afield. School runs are still doable with a car and a little time.

If you think just 6 years forward, Youll have a 22 yo who will likely still be at home a 16yo and a 12yo.... It is only going to get worse.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2019 13:22

I would leave the status quo as is. A levels are very intense. Swap your children round when your ds1 has finished his exam. In the meantime perhaps you can look at a better option longer term. If you have a garden you could as others have said get at getting a caravan. Or build a small summer house type building. You can add extra insulation to the floor and roof, perhaps inside too. The benefit to this is that it will add value to your house.

My friend has the same issue. They have a garage and converted a small section for their much older ds. He has moved out and the younger two use it as a chill out room.

S1naidSucks · 07/04/2019 13:23

The OP may well need as bigger house, but she’s looking for advice on living in the current house, not judgement on her situation. There’s no point in getting a bigger house if it leaves her broke.

Could you come back and give us the room size please OP? I love tinkering around and trying to make rooms work better.

Shortandsweet20 · 07/04/2019 13:24

Could you not move into the double with your dd, eldest goes downstairs in living room and then ds2 has the box room?

BrokenWing · 07/04/2019 13:28

tbh you have seriously misjudged your ability to ongoing house 3 children comfortably and they will probably all resent you for it when they are older and living in cramped conditions with little privacy, but that's the situation now.

My mum and dad did similar and when my oldest brother was 17, at college, and the house was creaking at the seams, he moved in with his gran and paid a nominal rent. He was a mature and easy 17 year old, studied more than partied, she was widowed, enjoyed his company and having someone to look after so it worked out for both of them. Is that an option?

PinaColadaPlease · 07/04/2019 13:29

Have you considered renting out your house and then renting a bigger house to live in?

How long will it realistically be before you can move if renting is not an option? I know in some areas the market has dropped, but this would also be the case for the onward purchase.

singymummy · 07/04/2019 13:29

I think the set up is fine for another year or so.
Maybe set some sort of divider up as suggested by other posters.
Is the 10year old kicking up a fuss or is it just your own thoughts ?

Yes ideally everyone would have there own rooms but life doesn't work that way

Jeezoh · 07/04/2019 13:35

The eldest has his own room as he’s got the greatest need for space and privacy, with exams etc over the next few years.

BrokenWing · 07/04/2019 13:37

Could you not move into the double with your dd, eldest goes downstairs in living room

ds1 is at college and needs space/quiet to do college work/study, perhaps late into the evening near exam times

Mucky1 · 07/04/2019 13:39

Reading this thread in absolute disbelief!! Some people here have been totally horrible to the op Hmm I wonder how many of them would have been so harsh IRL.

Horehound · 07/04/2019 13:40

I'm not sure what's changed in the last 2 years? Your daughter doesn't need a room of her own just yet if shes only 6. I'd keep it the same for another 2 years, maybe your eldest will be at uni otherwise, at that point I'd put the two boys together when your girl is 8.

MargotLovedTom1 · 07/04/2019 13:44

Why the fuck are people banging on about the fact they've got three children and limited space? It's happened and the children can't be made to disappear. Do you just want to 'win' an argument and get the OP saying "God you're right, I'm so sorry. We shouldn't have done XYZ. You're totally right. I'm shit, I'm stupid, I'm thoughtless. I hold my hands up and deserve everything you say." What is the fucking point of banging on about it?

Sorry OP I have nothing constructive to add but I'm just feeling angry on your behalf.

BlueCornishPixie · 07/04/2019 13:51

The problem is is your house is too small. There's no solution that's going to keep everyone happy because there isn't enough space. Yes children often share but ops problem is also the large age gaps between her DC. You can't magic up space

You can maybe have DD and DS2 sharing for another year, but then they need to have separate rooms, it's not fair on DD. So if you want to keep your DS1 happy you have to move, otherwise DS1 is going to have to accept he has to share with his brother. Those are your 2 options.

When he goes to uni he's not going to have a room to go back to, that isn't an option because there's only two rooms and you can't leave one empty for weeks at a time whilst you sleep in the living room and ds2 and dd share. So DS1 is at some point going to have to share with DS2.

You can't say your not on top of each other when your struggling to work out how to sleep them all. I think generally when DC share their ages are often closer so it's not such a big problem, it's not particularly fair on a 17 yr old to have to share with an 11 yr old, although better than a boy going through puberty and a girl.

The only thing I can think of is how big is your living room? Is it closed off from the house? Could you partition that off into 2 rooms, move a sofa bed up to the double room and have that as your living space and put someone in the box room?

Floralnomad · 07/04/2019 13:52

Well there’s your answer , move one of the children into the ‘3rd bedroom’ you’ve created in the lounge and you go back to sleeping in the lounge part of the lounge .

masktaster · 07/04/2019 13:54

Since the obvious has already been suggested.

You say you have sectioned off part of the living room implying that this has made it a distinct space separate from the LR? Could you swap sofa bed for single daybed (for a better mattress), and have one of your sons there, other son in box room, then share the double with DD, with some partitioning as necessary? Until eldest DS goes to university, at least?

BlueCornishPixie · 07/04/2019 13:54

I think the reason people have been harsh to the OP is because she's going on about keeping DS1 happy but that isn't really an option with the space she has.

She doesn't have a house that's big enough for everyone to be happy, this was her decision and now she has to accept it. Shes keeping DS1 happy at the expense of her DD, she basically wants things that she can't have so she needs to man up and feel DS1 he's got to share

Horehound · 07/04/2019 14:03

Shes keeping DS1 happy at the expense of her DD why is it as the expense of the daughter? The daughter is only 6 and doesn't need a room of her own yet.
A 16 yr old boy does, not only for the exam privacy but for other reasons too....

JessieMcJessie · 07/04/2019 14:07

house prices and a DS2 being rather settled at a school that puts his needs above and beyond, as well as the other 2 being happy at the school / college, makes it slightly harder than just upping and moving.

House prices went up and we cannot now afford to move

Looking at the moving thing again- your kids are already in the right schools so you don’t need to live in catchment to get them in. Are you saying that there are zero cheaper areas which have a feasible journey to the schools? It might be less convenient but, balanced against less-than -convenient living arrangements at the moment, would a bit of extra hassle not be worth it? Especially as DS1 is a big boy who can change buses/trains, cycle or even maybe get a moped?

I’m not clear why you keep citing house prices as an issue, because your own house would always have kept track with prices in your area, very different to someone living in rented and trying to get on the ladder.

What you must be saying is that your income hasn’t increased as much as you hoped it would in order to buy a bigger house in the same area?

MargotLovedTom1 · 07/04/2019 14:07

No, people have been harsh about the OP choosing to have three children in a limited space. The amount of children cannot be changed so wtf is the point of droning on about it, unless it's to make the OP feel crap?

WhiteCat1704 · 07/04/2019 14:09

How small is the double?
Would it fit two single high sleepers(desks underneath? And put a room divider in the middle?