To expect DH to text me a few times in the evening?

[AmeliasNoah]

DH goes away on business trips. I've just recently had our second child (ok, in January, so maybe not too recent) but I'm still on mat leave. We have an elder child who is 5. We do both send a good morning text and wish each other a good day, you know say a I miss you and love you and then we don't usually text again until the end of the day. I usually send a couple throughout the day, maybe sending something about one of the children for example "X won this at school" or similar. He usually doesn't respond to that until the end of the day, absolutely fine, he will then send a text answering what I put and saying he loves me. I then reply usually straight away, I'm at home doing nothing and he's usually in a girl doing nothing. We don't usually call as I'm usually sorting the kids but in between stuff it would be nice to just hear about his day and for me to tell him about the children. He usually won't respond again for 4 odd hours. I ask if he is busy and he says "nah just relaxing watching the football" or something similar... if I have sent a text about our children or a question, I can't understand why he would need to take 4 hours to respond, if he is just sitting in a hotel room relaxing. AIBU to think this is unfair? He thinks I'm being too needy and OTT.

*hotel not in a girl!!!! God

My dh is away a lot on business. We don't call or text during the day but will usually FaceTime in the evening and share news then. Why don't you do that instead and then you're not wondering why he hasn't replied to your text? Some people are just bad at responding to texts and it's always nice to talk.

You sound a bit needy about texting. I don’t understand why you don’t call him in the evening, perhaps when the 5 year old has gone to bed.

My view is and always has been that if you want an instant response or have a question to which you require an answer then you call. Texting as a medium is not immediate.

YABU. You do sound needy. Me and DH each have to go away overnight about once a month.
We don't communicate at all during that time except to sometimes double check return times so ensure someone collects the kids.

I'm away for the weekend. I won't speak or message my husband the whole time unless there's something specific to say. I am not sure what the point of texting is otherwise.

Freudian slip?

He isn't sitting in his room, watching TV. He is either in the hotel bar or out of the hotel, hitting the bars or seeing the sights, getting dinner.

In a girl is a freudian slip. Sounds like you dont trust him. That's the vibe I'm getting from your post especially where you seem to doubt if he is just sitting around watching football. I agree with others just phone him.

in a girl hell of a typo OP!!

I think I understand your feelings, but you're still (gently) being a bit unreasonable. I'd have felt just the same when I was at home with small DC though!

Is it a trust issue, or the fact that in the evening he's relaxing, child free and you're not?

Cross post!!

Me and dp don't usually text or contact each other at all during the day, unless there's a good reason.

My DP can take forever to answer texts because his phone is in his bag or coat pocket.
It's strange to assume people are attached to their phone and checking it constantly.

Give him a break.

I travel a fair bit for work, and a typical evening would be back to hotel after the day's meetings, quick change of clothes, facetime DH and the kids, out for dinner with clients or just colleagues, maybe a drink after that. Very little time for a text exchange. If I'm back at the hotel particularly early after dinner then I might ring or text DH again, but that's unusual

Okay well he is gone for up to 7 days at a time... it is very frustrating that he can't even respond when he is laying in bed watching football about either of his children. Guess I'm being needy then. It's not that I don't trust him, it's that I'm looking after our children and there is such a huge lack of interest in anything that they are doing, it's sad imo. I guess I'm just being needy then. Fair enough. I would like to give him a quick call, occasionally we do, when we do I tell him and then don't hear anything after finishing and I say his name and he goes "oh sorry it's been a long day, I was just watching the TV" honestly all of it pisses me off

Ah the modern world. Vividly recall when DH was in Siberia for 3 months solid for work in the early 90s, I was at home in UK with 2 under-5s and we had one, short echoey phone call a WEEK because that was all that was available.
We survived.

Okay but like I said in my OP, he is in the hotel for 4 odd hours at night. I'm not referring to when he is busy

I don't think you're being needy. My DH goes away with work a lot and we tend to text a lot more than call, we will be texting through the evening (assuming we're not busy of course) won't be immediately obviously but will be 15-30 minute responses I guess. If you've asked a question it's rude to ignore you for hours if he isn't doing anything.

Normally I'd say it was needy but actually when i was on maternity leave, especially the second time when i had a baby and a toddler, i was needy and goddammit i was entitled to be. If my husband was away for a week at a time I'd need to have a phone or a text chat in the evening. You need adult conversation when you're at home with babies and kids all day - that's not needy, that's normal.

I don’t think you’re being needy, OP. I get it. You’re home alone with two small children, you’re lonely and bored and craving connection.

I agree with other posters, instead of the the texting why don’t you have a quick FaceTime with each other in the evenings? You will get much more out of seeing each other’s faces, hearing each other’s voices. A proper chat can be had, even if it’s just going through the mundanity of your days.

Does he not FaceTime to see the kids? I'm on mat leave and I do text my husband more at the moment than when I'm at work as I have more time/less adult interaction than usual.

Thanks @Tealtights that's how I feel. Of course not immediately but 15-30 mins isn't unreasonable if he's just openly admitting he is sitting watching the football. Especially if I'm asking will he be able to come to (child's) school assembly, dance show... asking if he'd like me to wait to take our youngest to his first swimming. Stuff like that, it feels quite sad when he can't just answer for 3 odd hours because he is watching the TV

I don’t think you are being needy, it can be hard work with a newborn and of course you want some adult conversation. Can you agree to chat on the phone at 8pm after the kids are in bed?

Oh thank you, I was worried that I was alone with these feelings. I do feel lonely and I do miss him. He doesn't seem to care if I want to FaceTime, "oh I just need to relax now, can we tomorrow" or like I say, if our eldest would like a quick chat, he will be talking to his Daddy and he just won't answer him! It all upsets me honestly

It does depend on your relationship and what you've always done. I do sleep-ins at work 2 or 3 times per month and we WhatsApp quite a lot. Usually we do have things to say, it's not about nothing but it's not all logistical either. It's a conversation. Mostly it's not immediate though, but sometimes a back and forth is.

I message with the kids a bit too.

DH and I had a long distance relationship at first, maybe that's why. We've been together 19 years and always messaged through the day (it was email back when we first met, then SMS, nowadays WhatsApp).

However that's presumably never been your dynamic AmeliasNoah . Expecting it if it's not something you've ever done is as unreasonable as stopping if it's something that you've always done.

Is it that you don't trust him, or that you're a bit bored in the evening and jealous of his freedom? I don't think either are necessarily unreasonable, depending upon circumstances, but the boredom and slight envy certainly aren't.

Is there someone else you could chat t by phone or message in the evenings instead?