To expect DH to text me a few times in the evening?

[AmeliasNoah]

DH goes away on business trips. I've just recently had our second child (ok, in January, so maybe not too recent) but I'm still on mat leave. We have an elder child who is 5. We do both send a good morning text and wish each other a good day, you know say a I miss you and love you and then we don't usually text again until the end of the day. I usually send a couple throughout the day, maybe sending something about one of the children for example "X won this at school" or similar. He usually doesn't respond to that until the end of the day, absolutely fine, he will then send a text answering what I put and saying he loves me. I then reply usually straight away, I'm at home doing nothing and he's usually in a girl doing nothing. We don't usually call as I'm usually sorting the kids but in between stuff it would be nice to just hear about his day and for me to tell him about the children. He usually won't respond again for 4 odd hours. I ask if he is busy and he says "nah just relaxing watching the football" or something similar... if I have sent a text about our children or a question, I can't understand why he would need to take 4 hours to respond, if he is just sitting in a hotel room relaxing. AIBU to think this is unfair? He thinks I'm being too needy and OTT.

[GreatDuckCookery]

That’s a lot of texting on your part OP. But I guess it can be lonely at home with a baby and an older dc.

Why don’t you say to him that you’ll text in the morning but could he ring you on the evening for a chat?

[Casiloco]

Sounds like he's. pretty disengaged. What is he like at home? If the answer is "just the same" , then you've got a bigger problem

IF he is completely different when physically present, it may just be that he is someone who doesn't find phone/text an easy way to communicate. Sounds daft, but some people really aren't good conversationalists unless they are Ina face-to-face situation.

However, I suspect this is not the case. He is either depressed or unhappy in the marriage. Not normal behaviour.

[Pippa12]

I don’t think your being needy at all, DH and I text throughout the day and ring each other intermitantly. We have been together 17 years and this is always how it’s been.

When he goes away with work he rings me morning and night to speak with children at the very least... YANBU whatsoever

[stucknoue]

I was pleased to get a Facebook message every 3 days... business trips are really full on, 8am until 11pm typically in this field

[April241]

I don't think you're being needy at all, you're not asking for hour long phone calls every night just a quick reply to a text or a wee text to ask how your day is going etc, it's not massively taxing to just reply to a text.

[lyralalala]

Being so disengaged while on the phone to your child is ridiculous. He sounds like he has no manners toward you or your child tbh.

I know some people when they work away just disengage so it’s easier for them but you can’t do that with kids.

When DH was away he made sure he was available for an hour an evening. Either so we could chat or one of the kids could chat to him. He prefers radio silence when he’s away, but he accepts that he’s a father and a husband so when your kids hit the point of wanting to chat you don’t just say no. And when your wife is carrying the load of young kids you need to take her wishes into account too

He sounds like an arse tbh

[April241]

And also, when DH was my DP he went away for 2 weeks, we Skyped despite the big time difference and texted whenever he had WiFi and could use WhatsApp, we didn't have kids then but now that we do work have asked would he go away again and he's said no.

I see on MN all the time that women should be totally independent, should never rely on their husband for anything and God forbid they don't have their ducks in a row, thankfully I've never seen this in real life and wanting contact with your husband is very much normal.

I hope you can figure things out together soon, I remember mat leave being so incredibly lonely.

[CharityConundrum]

I was pleased to get a Facebook message every 3 days... business trips are really full on, 8am until 11pm typically in this field

I would find it very depressing to be grateful for 2 minutes of my husband's time over three days for my own sake, but it would be tragic if he couldn't muster up any more enthusiasm for the sake of the kids. Mine often finishes post midnight and will either call me if I'm awake or make a video for the kids to see in the morning. It takes less time than brushing his teeth and it makes a big difference to how we all feel about his absence.

OP- the problem here is that you want him to want to be a bit more engaged and he isn't even pretending week enough to fool a 5 year old. Does he actually care do you think? Or does it suit him to be able to pick you up and put you down at will?

[Jackyjill6]

I don't have time to respond to texts from OH during the day about trivial stuff, but I would absolutely make time at the end of the day to keep in contact. Especially with a baby and 5 year old at home.
I think you need to make an appointment with Relate OP

[KittyWindbag]

I grew up as the child of a father who basically worked away my whole life. And it takes its toll on the other parent. All these people saying you are being unreasonable really don’t know what they’re talking about. It’s not the same as one night away this is an ongoing thing and he needs to work at keeping the connection going because meanwhile OP is solo and it can feel like drowning.m. Yes his mind is on work. So what. This is his family, also part of his life. OP needs his connection and support. My dad was pretty good but I definitely grew up with a sense of my mum’s stress and loneliness. I just could feel it. These days it’s so much easier with FaceTime there’s really no excuse.

[hen10]

I think the problem is that you have different communication needs and perhaps haven't communicated that very well. If you were to tell him that you were lonely at home and would appreciate a call in the evenings as soon as he was free, and he still didn't respond, then he would be being an arse.

However, when DH goes away (only for up to a week at a time) we might not even text every day and he probably would speak to the DCs once or twice and we are both fine with that. OTOH, my best friend gets texts 3 or 4 times a day from her DH even if they are seeing each other in the evening and she worries if an afternoon has gone by without hearing from him. Would do my head in, but it suits them. It's horses for courses but I don't think it's fair to criticise until you've been really clear about what you need him to do.

[converseandjeans]

YANBU and I would have thought he might like to Facetime and speak to your eldest. I think you sound quite normal wanting to speak to him in the evening.

[SandyY2K]

It sounds like he really just wants to relax in the evenings and perceives the contact as being hassled.

I wouldn't need to contact my DH that often if working away. Besides confirming safe landing, if either of us are away we don't text all the time.

If I asked a question, he would respond as quickly as he could. I haven't experienced long delays when I ask a question.

If I said one of the DC had won a prize he would ask to speak to them... but we don't text general chit chat.

[CarolDanvers]

I don’t think you’re being needy. Don’t listen to MN for goodness sake! A lot of us talk absolute nonsense and you really shouldn’t act on some of shit advice that is spouted on here.

[Acis]

it would be nice to just hear about his day

Honestly, if you're away on business, there is nothing interesting to say about your day. "Went to the office, worked, came back to the hotel". "Had two meetings." "Went to presentation". Do you really need to hear about all that?

[Thunderspuds]

I don't think you are being needy at all. He should want to speak to his kids and he should be happy to speak to you. I'm shit on the phone (a wee bit phobic actually) but would always make time for my kids. Also my partner - he knows I hate the phone, and so is fine with just a quick chat. It's just nice to hear from the person you love. It is lonely being the one at home looking after the children. You don't have the same options to socialise in the evenings.

I don't know what to suggest really, as it is one of those situations where you want the person to want to do something - not to make them do it. Maybe talk to him about all this again, in particular how it upsets his son when he refuses to answer and see if he'll agree a time to FaceTime or similar that he promises to stick to. Watching football is not a decent reason.

Buy YADNBU. OR needy! It's horrible to not feel like your loved one is pleased to hear from you or wants to speak to you.

[greenlynx]

Some people don’t like texting, my DH certainly doesn’t so when he’s away he usually does one phone or Skype call in the evening. And I will phone him quickly or send a text after dropping DD to school in the morning. I don’t see it as excessive.

[MadeForThis]

You're not needy. He's being a dick. Who ignores a 5yo? That's selfish and uncaring.

I'm sure your exhausted caring for a newborn and a young child. Showing a vague interest in his family's life is the bare minimum you should expect from him.

Sitting with his phone beside him and ignoring your message for 4 hours is rude. It would make me rage that he found football and relaxing more important than maintaining a relationship with his family.

[Ginger1982]

My DH works away too but we always send good morning messages and he will often WhatsApp or call me during the day to see how things are. Often it's me that doesn't answer or respond quickly if I'm doing something with DS. Without fail, he FaceTimes me every night around 10. If I see he's watching tv whilst on with me, ie not looking at me, then I pick him up on it. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a bit of complete attention, even for 5 minutes. He is able to travel, socialise with colleagues in hotel bars and get a full night's sleep because I am at home caring for our child. It's about a bit of mutual consideration.

[CharityConundrum]

Honestly, if you're away on business, there is nothing interesting to say about your day. "Went to the office, worked, came back to the hotel". "Had two meetings." "Went to presentation". Do you really need to hear about all that?

Ignoring, for a second, the fact that your post comes across as slightly patronising, as though the PP would have less idea than you about what their husband's work day is likely to be like, surely a boring day such as you describe would make you more interested in speaking to someone about non-work related stuff?!

[Februaryblooms]

You're not being needy at all.

[adaline]

I was pleased to get a Facebook message every 3 days... business trips are really full on, 8am until 11pm typically in this field

Just because you're happy with such a pitiful level of contact doesn't mean the OP should be!

She's on maternity leave with a 5yo a small baby - the least her husband could do is be interested when he gets to speak to his child!

Nobody is so busy that they can't have a quick phone call for five minutes or send a text when they're on the toilet to say "busy - miss you and the kids - lots of love" - it's about showing that you care.

If my husband thought it was okay to not ask me about my day, or ask after his small children for three days I would be having strong words! No job is that important.

[Holidayshopping]

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all!

If he’d rather watch football than bother to reply to your texts about family life, I’d be bloody furious tbh!

[timeisnotaline]

You’re not being needy op. I’d hit the roof if my dh couldn’t be arsed talking to me or even worse to our 5yo because he was watching footy. It would be completely unacceptable.

[Breathingfire]

I think yabu and needy