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AIBU?

To expect DH to text me a few times in the evening?

121 replies

AmeliasNoah · 06/04/2019 22:00

DH goes away on business trips. I've just recently had our second child (ok, in January, so maybe not too recent) but I'm still on mat leave. We have an elder child who is 5. We do both send a good morning text and wish each other a good day, you know say a I miss you and love you and then we don't usually text again until the end of the day. I usually send a couple throughout the day, maybe sending something about one of the children for example "X won this at school" or similar. He usually doesn't respond to that until the end of the day, absolutely fine, he will then send a text answering what I put and saying he loves me. I then reply usually straight away, I'm at home doing nothing and he's usually in a girl doing nothing. We don't usually call as I'm usually sorting the kids but in between stuff it would be nice to just hear about his day and for me to tell him about the children. He usually won't respond again for 4 odd hours. I ask if he is busy and he says "nah just relaxing watching the football" or something similar... if I have sent a text about our children or a question, I can't understand why he would need to take 4 hours to respond, if he is just sitting in a hotel room relaxing. AIBU to think this is unfair? He thinks I'm being too needy and OTT.

OP posts:

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Tealtights · 08/04/2019 18:18

@RomanyQueen1 OP has said he's not busy in the evenings.

RomanyQueen1 · 08/04/2019 15:54

OMG no, my dh is often away and has been for 30 years.
Yes, he lets me know he's there ok, then we chat for about 5/10 mins in the morning, as he's working during the evening.
I've never expected texts, he's busy.

gorbashthecat · 08/04/2019 15:51

You're definitely not being needy! My DH often works away, so busy that he's not allowed to use his phone for personal calls, but I'd be very unhappy if he didn't take time to reply to a WhatsApp when he's actually free. It's not a big ask.

He does sound distracted and disengaged, could be for a number of reasons. Your plan to start phone calls when he's available with the TV off sounds very sensible.

Fairylightsandwine · 08/04/2019 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happydays00 · 08/04/2019 07:56

Another quite disbelieving of some of the responses you're getting. As to the pp whose DH worked in Serbia for 90 days at a time, and you both "survived" it's hardly comparable is it? The OP's DH is sat in a hotel room watching TV 😒

@AmeliasNoah I work away for up to a week and I WhatsApp my DH in the morning, and will always try to FaceTime in the evening. If I have client dinners or meetings I will send a couple of WhatsApps in the evening when I can but I wouldn't dream of sitting in the hotel room ignoring his messages.

Perhaps trial a call in the evening once the kids are in bed instead of messages, perhaps he would find that easier to focus on?

junebirthdaygirl · 08/04/2019 07:30

Could you change how you do things this week. If he texts in the morning don't reply until lunchtime. Don't message at all in the evening and let him take the initiative. Maybe call your mum or text some friends to distract yourself.
It's often the case with a couple that when one is ' needy" the other counterbalances that by becoming distant, unknowingly. So you change. It will be tough as you have time on your hands but maybe make a conscious list of what you can do so you don't need him. Have a good series to follow where him interrupting is annoying. See what he will do then. You need to do this from now on. He is away. Let him do the work of communicating. It will be interesting to see how long it takes him to wake up and get curious about his DC or miss you and want a chat.
Do it this week. He is taking it for granted you are there.

Veterinari · 08/04/2019 06:47

You aren’t ‘needy’ because you want more contact from your husband that a PP did in 1980s Siberia!
He’s sitting watching TV not down a salt mine, the least he could do is show some interest in in his wife and children.

Oh and ‘helping out’ with bedtimes is a pathetic contribution. When does he actually parent?

Hanab · 08/04/2019 06:37

Why is wanting to talk to ones spouse being needy?? Gosh some responses here. Yes many moons ago the technology was crap and we could not keep in touch as easily..

OP’s hubby seems to be detached from everything but his needs and work. For goodness sake if she needs or wants to talk to him he should make the time!

She is not bombarding him with 200 texts and calls a day demanding to know where he is and with who he is with..

I don’t get some people .. I really don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ Needy? Why is she needy? Is she not married? Is it not allowed for her to want to talk to her husband? Is it not alright for her to feel frustrated at the lack of his interest in their kids & family life?

If he is busy watching the telly I guess he would not want to facetime or skype (video call) the least he can do is text 🤔 it does not take much effort ..

MaybeitsMaybelline · 08/04/2019 06:27

my DH has worked away for 25 years, I get a short phone call every evening, to suit him as I don’t know where he is at any given moment, which customers he is with etc.

If we speak during the day it is only because one of us needs some information or action from the other.

I couldn’t be arsed with all this texting, for me texting is for organising meet ups with friends or asking how someone is when you don’t need an instant answer.

FixTheBone · 08/04/2019 05:53

to all the conspiracy theorists -

freudian slip, maybe.

but try actually looking on a qwerty keyboard where the letters for "girl" and "hotel" are and then imagine inputting that on a 'swype' style keyboard....

floribunda18 · 08/04/2019 05:48

How about you just, I don't know, call and actually talk to one another about your day? Much nicer and ultimately quicker than 34 texts in the course of an evening.

Abillity2019 · 08/04/2019 05:44

He doesn't do much with us as a family but he will help with bedtimes but usually it's still very much work work and work.

It all sounds a bit shit to be honest. And unlikely that he’ll change. Sorry.

LadyB49 · 08/04/2019 05:33

I think op it's maybe the quality of the phone call/text i.e. His actual interest/lack of interest in what's going on that is upsetting you.

strathmore · 08/04/2019 05:19

My Dh worked away in the mid 90s when my children were little we spoken once a week at most, this was pre mass mobile use. We had a new born and a 2 year old.

We both still work away now- I did 200 nights in hotels last year

We never text each other or call except if something happens

We have discussed what at length but we both agree that it makes working away harder and it is easier just to not text or call each other.

managedmis · 08/04/2019 02:15

Is he hands on when he's at home?

He sounds a bit ineffectual tbh

justjuggling · 08/04/2019 01:52

It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks you’re being needy or not. The point is YOU want him to be more engaged and feel the need for more contact so you’re going to have to tell him that I think. I agree with lots of others who have suggested a call/face time. X

LizzieSiddal · 07/04/2019 22:16

Amelia you should also explain to him that the way he’s behaving is very upsetting for you. He’s giving the impression that he doesn’t care about you or his son when he’s away, as he can’t be bothered to talk to you. Tell him that actions speak louder than words.

AmeliasNoah · 07/04/2019 22:14

Thank you so much, I feel more "normal" after some of the more recent replies. I will try and explain that we should FaceTime but with the TV off.

OP posts:

ethelredonagoodday · 07/04/2019 21:15

I don't think you're being needy OP. Think he's being a bit of a tit. My DH used to work away a lot, but always called once a day even when he was away in the Middle East. Think the suggestion on maybe reducing the texting, but having a phone call every night is a good one.

Tealtights · 07/04/2019 21:06

@ForalltheSaints the same thing that happened to the handwritten letter I guess, technology surpassed it!

QueenBeex · 07/04/2019 20:51

Yanbu

ForalltheSaints · 07/04/2019 20:47

Whatever happened to this thing called talking to each other on the phone, even if just for a few minutes?

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WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/04/2019 20:23

My DP is away a lot for business, he's been away this weekend and the only times I ever heard from him was a quick call in the evening before bed.

I don't think you're being needy, I'd like to hear from him more however I do know he's busy.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/04/2019 20:23

I say that as someone who's husband works away a fair bit but usually only for 2 -3 nights at a time. I hate it. We don't always speak just because we've never spoken much on the phone but 8f either of us want to, the other always makes the effort as otherwise you're just a weekend family.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/04/2019 20:21

Bloody hello OP, you're looking after kids 24/7 and asking him to respond to a text within half an hour that will take him 30 seconds, while he is getting a few hours to himself.....that is not needy at all.

It would be different if your kids were much older and not needing so much time and energy themselves, or if he was only away one or two days at a time, or if he had to entertain clients in the evening and was himself always 'on'. But that's not the case, he is leaving you the entire week, and you're literally doing everything, and he cant even be bothered to give you a few minutes of his time when the TV is on.

That's poor and it's horrible he cant see how hard it is for you and horrible to be called needy for telling him how you feel

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