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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and ex gf

128 replies

CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 10:27

Dp and his ex have a dd together aged 5. They have been broken up about ten months. They get mostly ok. She used to text and ring him an awful lot when I'm staying over which I spoke to him and things have got better. She doesnt know about me I don't think although may have an idea as once she saw us together. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or overly anxious, and I'm prepared to be told so, but is it normal for dp and ex to take their dd clothes shopping together? They go to parents events at school together and groups she's into together which I totally understand and im fine with, but clothes shopping? Maybe I am BU and I'm prepared to be told so.

OP posts:
harrypotterfan1604 · 06/04/2019 10:32

I don’t see a problem with it really. Is he paying? If so maybe mums going to make sure they choose appropriate clothes. My dp would dress dd in some ridiculous outfits if jenjad his way.
I see more of an issue that he appears to be keeping you a secret from his ex. Why? If they’ve broken up 10 months ago and are manage to amicably co parent still whys he keeping you a secret that seems odd.

Banhaha · 06/04/2019 10:34

The not telling her about you would worry me more than the clothes shopping.

MotherOfDragonite · 06/04/2019 10:39

Of course it's normal, they have a child together!

What's not normal is that he hasn't told her about you. Do you think that's what's really making you feel insecure?

Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 10:51

I think it is the fact he hasn't brought me up to his ex. I was pissed off at him over this and he made noises to tell her. His ex isn't the sort to even make his life shit if he did tell her. I'm not sure he knows how to bring me up. I've not met their dd yet so maybe when its time for me to meet her I'll get mentioned to ex then? Hmm

OP posts:
Bishbashthrash · 06/04/2019 10:56

Why do you want him to be a shit ex and a crap dad? You need to keep your nose out!!

Why wouldn't he want to go shopping with the mother of his child?

You've e already said she's not the type to be shit, so why are you having a word with him about how much she calls him? It's none of your business.

IJustLostTheGame · 06/04/2019 10:59

If they broke up 10 months ago I'm assuming you haven't been with him for very long?
He's probably waiting to tell his ex when for if/when things are more serious and long term and he can introduce you.
As to the clothes shopping and things, its probably lovely for the dd to have some time with BOTH parents being civil and friendly. Much better for her wellbeing.

TheSerenDipitY · 06/04/2019 11:06

maybe hes being sensible in not introducing his new girlfriend to his ex and or his child while its so new and who knows might not be long term yet,
good on him for putting the child first, he could have been like many of the men on here and had 19 different girlfriends and had the kid meet them all and constantly breaking up and bring a new one to meet her, very confusing to the child and very upsetting if she bonds with any and then never gets to see her again dont you think
you should be supporting him in maintaining a good friendly relationship with his ex and for making good decisions for his child's welfare

Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 11:11

Bishbash, the texts from her were constant when we first got together. Like every few minutes a text would ping through and this would go on for the whole time I was with dp so this could go on for hours.

OP posts:
Bishbashthrash · 06/04/2019 11:14

Where they about his DD?

I find it hard to believe she was constantly texting the whole time you were there.

faeveren · 06/04/2019 11:15

Why does he need to tell his ex about you? How long have you been together?

What is normal is whatever they choose to do together with their DD, they are clearly in touch often if they text and ring a lot and if she is 5 and they've only been separated 10 month perhaps they are trying to keep it as normal as possible for her.

Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 11:16

Thanks for all your messages. I'm just being paranoid I know. I'm letting my past hurt cloud this relationship. He's a very sweet man and a lot of fun and I never let my insecurities show to him. Its new for me dating a parent too. Lots of learning curves ahead.

OP posts:
faeveren · 06/04/2019 11:18

Well maybe she texted a lot because she was missing him or because they often communicate like that, was he replying? It can't be because he was with you as she doesn't know about you.

Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 11:19

Honestly, it was for about four hours the whole time I was there that she was texting him. I get that they need to keep in touch about the dd and I'm so glad he's a fab dad but texting all night was a bit too much. His ex lives very near him too and he made us go out of our way to avoid bumping into her.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 11:21

Faeveren, but she has a dp, so why would she be missing him?! I miss my ex at times but I don't bombard him with texts and I certainly wouldn't be texting my ex back non stop while I was with my new dp whether we had kids or not.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 06/04/2019 11:21

They split up 10 months ago, how long have you been seeing each other?

He isn't your DP. He's your boyfriend.

faeveren · 06/04/2019 11:21

I think it can be difficult dating a parent, you are rarely (if ever) going to be first on their list of priorities, not everyone feels comfortable in the back seat. Do you have DC's?

Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 11:28

I put dp as its just text speak. I would never call him my partner in real life. Youre just being picky. I'm not a mean person and trying my best to navigate this minefield of dating a parent because I really like new bf but as I've never dated a parent before of course feelings are going to come up and obstacles. Not saying the way I'm feeling is right or wrong, which is why I'm asking on here.

OP posts:
ChristinaMarlowe · 06/04/2019 11:41

How long have you been with your partner? If it's more than 6 months you have to consider that his ex was texting because it was only a few months ago that her 5+ year relationship with the father of her child ended and she was still trying to work through things. If you've not even been together that long just try not to over think things, it's really early days.

Nearlythere1 · 06/04/2019 11:49

Op don't let some other poster tell him what he is to you. DP or boyfriend it's not her call.

SunshineCake · 06/04/2019 11:54

It seems like you are trying to imply the ex was interrupting your time with your boyfriend on purpose, as they were pinging every few minutes. Yet the ex doesn't know about you…

Whatever he wants to do relating to his child is fine. It sounds like he's an engaged dad. Stop being silly.

Crunchymum · 06/04/2019 11:55

DP to me intimates LTR and or living together.

Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 11:55

Their relationship ended ten months ago because she cheated on him.

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 06/04/2019 11:56

how long have you been together?

CatandtheFiddle · 06/04/2019 11:58

You have to accept that he’s a father to a very young child. And that his ex is raising a child on her own which is bloody tough. Of course she will ring the child’s father when there’s stuff to be done or issues.

Get over yourself - there is a baby Involved here.

Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 12:00

She's not raising a child on her own. She has the full support of my bf and the support of her boyfriend who lives with her.

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