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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP and ex gf

128 replies

CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 10:27

Dp and his ex have a dd together aged 5. They have been broken up about ten months. They get mostly ok. She used to text and ring him an awful lot when I'm staying over which I spoke to him and things have got better. She doesnt know about me I don't think although may have an idea as once she saw us together. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or overly anxious, and I'm prepared to be told so, but is it normal for dp and ex to take their dd clothes shopping together? They go to parents events at school together and groups she's into together which I totally understand and im fine with, but clothes shopping? Maybe I am BU and I'm prepared to be told so.

OP posts:

bellabasset · 06/04/2019 12:03

I see it that having had a dd from a failed relationship he is taking his time to get to know you before introducing you to his ex and dd.

I would take it as a good sign that they do go out to buy dd clothes together, if only all separated parents could do this. Be patient and go at his pace.

Original poster

CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 12:05

I totally accept he's a father to a young child. The ex wasn't even texting about the dd. It was constant for four hours. I felt it quite rude of my bf to keep texting her back when we were supposed to be having our time. If it was about the dd, no probs at all but it wasn't and four constant hours of texts is shit.

OP posts:

CanILeavenowplease · 06/04/2019 12:05

Red flag for me on the ‘potential abuser’ line....is he giving her maintenance or is he controlling what money is spent on by insisting on being present for child- related expenditure?

Original poster

CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 12:07

Thanks Bella, I will take it slowly. I think that because I would love DC but its just not happened with a previous partner due to infertility, I think they have this amazing thing in common, their dd and I wonder how I fit into all this and if I ever will. Also was insecure from him hiding me from his ex.

OP posts:

Original poster

CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 12:08

Can I leave, he pays maintenance too. Definitely not an abuser. Just the dd needs new clothes.

OP posts:

chillpizza · 06/04/2019 12:09

He obviously enjoys talking to her if it wasn’t about his dd. Appropriate when your there? Maybe not but it’s who he is, walk away now rather than in a years time if your unhappy.

Belenus · 06/04/2019 12:10

I'm dating a parent but he's been split up for quite a while. You do have to allow longer for introductions. it is better for the child if they get on well with the ex. And lets face it, you're better off if it's amicable than if they're spinning you some "my ex is mad" story.

Since they've been split up for less than a year I would also think they're in an adjustment period and if the child has also just started school, even more so. Just be patient and spend time getting to know each other before you really decide to invest a great deal in the relationship. You're not just with him - there's also going to have be some involvement with child and ex if things work out in the long term. That's just how it is when you date someone with young children.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 06/04/2019 12:14

He sounds like he's actually being a responsible nrp which is a good thing and shows you about his character. How long have you been together?

Original poster

CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 12:14

Thanks belanus, its definitely a big adjustment but I really like him so I'm going to work everything out. Its both of ours first proper relationship since breaking with long term exes so its a bit of a wobbly path for both of us. My ex who I was truly in love with ended up telling me he still loved his ex which really broke me so not completely healed from that I suppose.

OP posts:

chillpizza · 06/04/2019 12:15

Honestly this would could do to. They haven’t been split long and they only split because she cheated on him, I’m presuming with the current bf of hers?

mummmy2017 · 06/04/2019 12:17

Would you rather date a Disney dad...or
One involved with his child.
One who talks to his ex and can see her without bitterness, or one who calls her a crazy lady.
Sit back and wait, you have loads of time.

faeveren · 06/04/2019 12:18

I think you are having a bit of a hard time on here but it is relevant how long you have been with him especially if these texts were in the early days and he has addressed this.

However I think perhaps your underlying concern is that she cheated on him and he's not over it meaning he responds to her every request, be that texts or shopping or he encourages this as a way of maintaining contact with his ex not just his DD and he wont tell her about you.

In any separation it can take parents a while to find how best to co-parent and the ride may be bumpy. I think you need to be patient and not try to over analyse or interfere with it.

The best outcome is whatever is best for the DD and that can make your own relationship difficult. I don't believe that women should make do with half a relationship because the ex and children come first but it does throw more hoops into the ring than dating a man with no ties.

Original poster

CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 12:19

Yes chillpizza with current bf. He's really lovely and very sweet to me so got a lot of working things out to do but things will be OK. Just got to get my insecurities out of the way.

OP posts:

HopefulAgain10 · 06/04/2019 12:23

Honestly to me it seems hes still clearly not over her and Obviously keeping you a secret in hopes that they might get together again.

They have a history and a child. He didnt end their relationship or even by choice. It's only 10 months, so you're there for 5 mins.

Ask yourself why he goes out of his way to avoid bumping into her, hasnt told her about you even though she has moved on? Says one thing to me.

MRex · 06/04/2019 12:35

It can be very hard to do without the constant communication if they were together for a long time. DH and I had some brief periods apart and we would talk constantly, because we wanted to. So it might be that he's still in love with her, or just habit, but a new relationship takes time to build anyway so either way you need to relax and give it some more time. He sounds like a good man and dating when you have a young child to worry about must be incredibly hard, so maybe just ask him how he feels things are going and get an idea from him of the pace he's expecting your relationship to go at. If that doesn't work for you then date someone else.

Original poster

CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 13:12

He has said that he would never get back with his ex in a million years and I don't think he would. He's not a push over and seems very in to me otherwise.

OP posts:

Belenus · 06/04/2019 13:12

He's really lovely and very sweet to me so got a lot of working things out to do but things will be OK. Just got to get my insecurities out of the way.

I wouldn't dismiss your insecurities so lightly. It may all work out OK but don't assume that it will if only you act in a certain way. It may be the case that you decide this man isn't for you. Give it time, yes. But don't make assumptions right now. He may just be friendly with his ex, he might be a bit hung up about her - unfortunately I think it's too early to work out which it is.

QuickThinkOfAName · 06/04/2019 13:15

Why won’t you answe the question how long you’ve been together?

It’s quite a pertinent one and would change my view on this

Exhausted18 · 06/04/2019 13:50

I think your DP is doing the right thing not introducing you to his DD just yet. I can also understand his reservations about telling the child's mother as she has a proven track record of not putting her child first (who moves in a new bf so soon after meeting them when you have a small child?). When you think about it, 10 months ago this poor child was living with both parents. Now, her dad is gone, mum has moved in new bf and her whole world has changed. He sounds like a wonderful dad, and is rightfully being very cautious to not cause any more upset to a little girl who has already had a lot of upset in less than a year. The shopping really isn't something I think you should be concerned about, in a perfect world more separated parents would be able to do things for their children together like this.

You two really haven't been together long in the grand scheme of things and if you are as good together as you sound from your posts, there will be plenty of time for you to meet her in the future when the dust has settled more, so to speak. I agree the 4 hours of texting sounds annoying but if you have spoken to him and it has improved, try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Ginger1982 · 06/04/2019 15:09

*Why won't you answer the question of how long you've been together?
*
This ^^

LuckyLou7 · 06/04/2019 15:14

Maybe he is unsure whether the two of you are going to last the distance, so doesn't want to introduce you to his former partner and small child just yet.
The fact he was texting back and forth with her, all the time he was spending an evening with you, rings alarm bells though. That's rude.

SunshineCake · 06/04/2019 16:38

I think it's obvious why she won't say how long they have been together.

Sparklesocks · 06/04/2019 16:47

They have a lot of history together and are co parenting so they will still be a part of each other’s lives. Also if you are his first relationship since that break up it can take some time to work out the balance with the new girlfriend with coparenting.

Original poster

CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 17:08

I've been with him four months so still early days. I only asked my original post because I'm figuring out my feelings. Its tricky dating a parent and I want to get it as right as possible but I feel like I've been flamed a bit on here for just asking advice. I have absolutely nothing against the ex, even when she's constantly texting that evening although it got to me and I'm thrilled they co parent so well. I suppose the question I must ask myself is if I'm ready to date a parent. I think I am but need a little advice along the way.

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KylieKoKo · 06/04/2019 17:25

I think him being reluctant to tell his ex is something to watch. Not necessarily a red flag but until he tells her he's not treating you as a serious partner so you should not consider him as one. If he hasn't told her after a year how would you feel?

A lot of posters on here will tell you that you need to put up with all sorts of shit because he has a child with his ex but you don't.

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