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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and ex gf

128 replies

CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 10:27

Dp and his ex have a dd together aged 5. They have been broken up about ten months. They get mostly ok. She used to text and ring him an awful lot when I'm staying over which I spoke to him and things have got better. She doesnt know about me I don't think although may have an idea as once she saw us together. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or overly anxious, and I'm prepared to be told so, but is it normal for dp and ex to take their dd clothes shopping together? They go to parents events at school together and groups she's into together which I totally understand and im fine with, but clothes shopping? Maybe I am BU and I'm prepared to be told so.

OP posts:
StarTheGirl · 06/04/2019 17:31

It sounds tricky and you sound really sensible and self aware.

I guess, in your shoes, I’d just be asking myself if I wanted to sign up for this, so soon after they split? Maybe he feels like that, which is why all the texting and not telling her about you.

Good plan to move slowly, but it depends what you want in a partner. I don’t know if “sweet and lots of fun” would entice me to put my life on hold while they sort things out... I might be being a bit harsh though. I just know from experience how frustrating it can be if you and a bf / dp aren’t on the same page yet.

Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 17:32

Thanks Kyliekoko. I think the ex is a bit shit truth by known. She has created the situation by cheating, yet she wants to text bf all the time. Its nice they get on reasonably well but I see her as a threat already and because they have so much history together makes me wonder if it's worth it. I don't know Confused

OP posts:
QuickThinkOfAName · 06/04/2019 17:33

I’ve not flamed you on here but it’s hard to evaluate when you evade questions.

Four months isn’t a long time. Quite rightly you haven’t met his dc and yeah at this stage I wouldn’t be massively concerned he hasn’t mentioned you to her. If it continued that would be different but you’re in the early stages of a relationship.

He was with her for at least six years. they have a child. They are going to talk and probably quite a lot. But ime that’s way better than a couple who refuse to talk to each other.

The only thing I wonder is he was with her for years. She cheated on him. So presumably he always saw his future with her and their child. I would consider that maybe he hasn’t moved on and you are a rebound. It’s no reflection on you. But he might just not be in the right place for a new relationship. Sorry if that’s harsh but I think it’s best to be prepared.

mummmy2017 · 06/04/2019 17:39

This is early days, relax a bit and enjoy your time with him, if you don't put pressure on him, you can move forward without conflict .
Mumsnet as said will see things that may not be there. And the length of time means he should not yet think to introduce you, it means he sees you more than as childminding

Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 17:45

I definitely don't want to meet his dd yet and not for a long while but at the same time I don't want him to hide me from his ex.

OP posts:
flameycakes · 06/04/2019 17:47

So she texts him and he texts her back for four hours? That's a mutual thing and not just her badgering him x

HotSauceCommittee · 06/04/2019 17:51

I wouldn’t have sat there like a mug for four hours on a date while they text back and fourth. It’s still early days when dating should be fun.
You should have left nicely saying something like, “I can see you are busy so I’m off”.
You sound far too dependent on him and available to him.

Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 17:51

Flameycakes, its her badgering him about nothing in particular. He got huffy and told her he was busy but she ckntinues and he felt he had to text her back so next day I had a word and its not happened since apart from the odd text about the dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 17:52

Hot sauce, we were at his house and I didn't want to spoil what had been a lovely evening so I brought it up the next day.

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 06/04/2019 17:54

I know, but It was already ruined and the texting upset you; you needn’t have left in a huff, just a display of you having better things to do that hang about with that going on.

flameycakes · 06/04/2019 17:57

Do you see the texts? It's an easy excuse for him to say she was badgering him, it takes two to keep going for four hours. He could have silenced his phone and paid attention to you, but didn't x

NameChangeNugget · 06/04/2019 18:04

You are your boyfriend have barely been together 5 minutes.

This has nothing to do with you

anitagreen · 06/04/2019 18:08

Your relationship is still in the early stages, they are entitled to text as much as they like how do you know they haven't remained close friends? Going out for lunch together, shopping together is all normal. I think you need to try and calm yourself down a little in regards to how jealous you feel already as it will end up breaking you and him apart

SmileEachDay · 06/04/2019 18:12

I’m the mother of DC and have an excellent co parenting relationship with DC’s dad.

He didn’t mention his girlfriend to me until he felt it was time to introduce her to DC - I think they’d been together about 8 months - I’m not sure because it’s none of my business!!

This is interesting from your posts while I was with my new dp whether we had kids or not - having children changes everything . Your boyfriend’s child should absolutely be his priority, it sounds like he has a great co parenting relationship and a great relationship with his DC - however that has been achieved is ok.

It’s fine if you to feel sidelined or whatever and decide it’s not for you - your feelings are important and you should prioritise yourself at this stage. He should prioritise his DC.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 06/04/2019 18:29

Op don't let some other poster tell him what he is to you

Not on topic, but I've been seeing someone for about 4 months now and I do refer to him as my partner because we're in our 40/50's and it feels silly to call him my boyfriend.

Your relationship is only the business of you and your partner and nit his ex and definitely not smug, random people on the web.

As you were Wink

Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 18:35

Thanks for all your comments.

Thanks Leigh. I am late 30s and him early 40s so feels stupid to call him my boyfriend too lol and I think he would agree.

OP posts:
Leighhalfpennysthigh · 06/04/2019 18:40

Oh and, after four months I was engaged to my late husband and we were together for over 20 years.

Already with this new relationship it's feeling long term after four months. Sometimes it's not the length of time that matters, it's the connection. Mumsnet is very good at dismissing newish relationships as insignificant but every relationship has to start somewhere and some long term relationships on here will end a long time before my four month one.

Crunchymum · 06/04/2019 18:43

You aren't someone's partner if you are a secret!! Just saying.

Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 18:46

Aww Leigh, you're so lovely. Thanks for your support and glad you've found happiness again. It feels like its going so well, lately I've been questioning my feelings for him. I think it could well be love not far off. I'm definitely not out to hurt him or his dd. He's a real keeper Smile and I want to overcome every obstacle possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheekyTreek · 06/04/2019 18:47

Not even to him crunchymum? I'm feeling pretty shit after some of the replies on here.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 06/04/2019 18:49

Call him what YOU want.

CrunchyMum can think what she likes, but she was very rude to tell you what YOU should refer to him as. Her opinion is just that. Hers.

If I were you I’d stop seeing him. I really don’t think this situation is going to be good for you. There are too many complicating factors. You are young enough to have your own DC, it wouldn’t be wise to spend a lot of time seeing where this relationship goes.

shesgrownhorns · 06/04/2019 18:53

OP I couldn't disagree more with most of these replies.

I've been in this situation in reverse. I split up with my partner when our child was 6. I didn't know about his private life from thereon in - we were friendly but we were not a couple anymore and so doing coupley things was not appropriate. Maybe a quick brew when he dropped her off, show him the paintings on the fridge, that sort of thing but this? Texting all the way through your time together? Come on...

And my new bf (now DH) would not have tolerated 4 hours of text tennis. ridiculous YANBU.

Crunchymum · 06/04/2019 18:59

Oh come on OP, you've been with the giu for 4 months. Its not the replies here making you feel like shit, it's the relationship?

His ex has a new partner, why haven't you been mentioned?

People get a lot of stick on MN for not being married so forgive me if I have views on the use of (D) "partner"

Crunchymum · 06/04/2019 19:00

giu = guy

Crunchymum · 06/04/2019 19:01

And no you aren't a partner to him OP, he's decided not to tell people about you? Confused

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