AIBU or is this OTT? 5yo's Ballet show

[Emergencyblueberries]

DD is 5yo and does a weekly 30 minute ballet class. All the children in her group are 4 or 5. It mostly seems to involve skipping and running around in a circle waving a fairy wand but they all seem to enjoy it. At last weeks lesson their teacher told them they were going to do a show and that all their mummies and daddies would be able to watch. No further details given but we were told we'd get an email. The children were all very excited.

Yesterday we received a very lengthy email informing us that the dance school are putting on a show this summer at a local theatre, there will be a matinee and an evening performance on the same day. It was emphasised that all children must perform in both shows. It's on a Sunday, in term time, each performance is 2.5 hours long but they have to be at the theatre in costume and make up an hour before it starts. The evening performance doesn't finish until 9pm! DD is usually fast asleep by 7pm.

It went on to say there will be a dress rehearsal on the Friday before the show for which the children are expected to miss half a day of school and a parent must be present to chaperone them. No acknowledgement that some parents have jobs and might therefore be unable pick their DC up from school at midday, drive them to the theatre and hang around for hours on a working day. The Sunday before that there is a 4.5 hour rehearsal which finishes at 6.30pm.

It also said "each one of you is expected to volunteer to help backstage for at least one of the performances". In those words. No "please" or "we would appreciate it if you could.."

Tickets to watch the show are £16 each (is that normal for a kids dance show??) and apparently we will be recieving a bill for our child's costume/costumes in due course.

AIBU in thinking that it's completely OTT to expect this level of committment from a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds?? I realise that most of the other dancers will be older, have probably been dancing for years and are taking proper ballet exams etc. so of course for them it's different. But WIBU to tell the dance teacher I don't want DD to be in the show as I feel it's too much pressure and she'll be too tired? I don't want her to feel like she's missing out but she's usually shattered by the end of a normal week at school as it is.

@emergencyblueberries
No, I'm not a dance teacher. I'm a parent of a dancer who is now in professional training. I spent many years chaperoning at her shows which were of a very high standard.

We were never 'forced' to chaperone, but if there weren't enough parent helpers the show couldn't have gone ahead as there are strict rules applying to ratios etc. A lot of parents willingly give up their time to help. There is often 'that parent' that moans to said parent helpers (sometimes quite agressively!) at the stage door when they have to wait a bit longer than expected. It is extremely irritating given that they haven't given any of their time to help, when other parents have given up so much of their time.

It could be said that getting a 4/5 year old child on stage for a dance school show is an ideal opportunity to introduce them to performing on a stage- precisely because it's NOT competitive. This age group usually steal the show! (They are only allowed to be in the theatre for 5 hours a day at this age). However some at this age are already performing at competitions and are doing more than 'skipping and twirling'

Those that get to the Royal Ballet school will have started at ordinary dance classes at a reputable dance school with lessons aimed at developing technique taught in age approprite and fun ways.

I acknowledge that some dance schools don't suit some parents and their children. As I said in my previous post, it's best to just find a different dance school that does suit you.

My dd is 12 and has just been in her 4th show (they are every 2 years). Show week is very intense and she had rehearsals or shows every day of the week.(as well as homework and school open evening) My DS had to miss some activities that week because i couldnt physically get them both in the required places at the same time. I helped back stage and it was fun although i think the v young ones got quite bored as they were on first and then had to wait around about 2 hours til the finale if not collected early. The shows are great and the tiny girls (who had v basic dances and looked a bit stage struck!) got the biggest cheer of the evening, but is so inspiring to see the older, very advanced dancers and what your DD could be working towards. As i said in previous post though at dds class it is optional and i wouldnt want them to feel forced into doing the show if they didnt want to.

This is exactly why my kids no longer do dance. If someone opened up a dance class which was purely for exercise/ fun with a promise of no shows they'd make a killing. Every single dance class I have tried has been great until show season and then it's like nothing else matters. Classes go out the window and the demands start. It's ridiculous.

Making them take time off school doesn't sound right as some schools may well refuse. And it should be optional.

The rest- sounds perfectly normal. They won't be on stage for most of that time: there will be matrons who look after them and keep them entertained and make sure they go to the loo on time before their entry .
(been there, done that.

Staying up beyond your bedtime once in a while for something exciting doesn't do most 5yos any harm.

Dd took part in her first dance show around this age, looked like a rabbit stuck in the headlights, clearly not a clue what she was doing: but her memories of those evenings are very happy ones.

I think you probably need to accept that if you had a dd who does dance or drama, shows will be part of your life. If she did football instead you'd be hanging around icy fields in the sleet and wiping blood off her face. Any sport would involve competition- and a lot of hanging around. There is always something. Embrace it.

This seems totally normal to me. 2 of my boys were at a dance school with an annual show and it was the highlight of their (and my) year. Yes we had extra rehearsals and paying for costumes and expensive tickets but no different to other hobbies that expect you to pay out for equipment or travel. Ours did 2 shows Saturday and one on Sunday.

If you don't want her to do it then just tell the teacher that she isn't doing it. As for being expected to help backstage and no please or if, there are always some parents who expect everyone else to do it, but they can't for whatever reason. By making it clear it's an expectation rather than a voluntary thing everyone knows where they stand.

Over the years I've had to do parent rotas for playgroup, Rainbows, Brownies, drama groups and shows. Don't like doing it but them's the breaks.

Normal for dance. Although I think that if they communicated in the words you've put in the OP, then they've been a tad rude.

My daughter's dance school does a big show every 3 years. A REALLY big show, it takes a whole year to plan and create. All kids in the school take part - aged 3-18. my daughter first did it at age 4, she was a baby rabbit bouncing around in a leotard with a bunny tail sewn on, plus a pair of bunny ears. Totally adorable. 3 years later she was in 3 dances and it was much more serious. This time around she has 8 dances, 3 songs and a leading part.

Honestly, the shows have been a highlight for all of us: when she was teeny it was lovely for me to watch the older girls and see what she might grow into (it's a v professional school, the seniors are amazing). Last time round I got involved in the chaperoning, got my licence and really became part of it. This time its full on for both of us as I'm running hair and make-up as well as helping with costume, but it's brilliant and seeing how much she's developed as a performer is incredible. I'm doing this alongside a demanding f/t job - I see it as a fun hobby!

If dancing isn't your thing, I can see how it could seem OTT. I was a dancer myself, so it's entirely normal to me, and when you see how much the kids love it, it's well worth the effort.

My dds dance school let you take them home at the end of the first act they were in, in the beginners class, except for the performance you watched where you were asked to stay for the second half with your dc to watch the other performers because otherwise you were leaving the older kids with half an audience. And we did enjoy some of the second act dances.

But I was a bit disappointed they weren't doing anything more interesting in dds dance. You also pay towards the costumes and don't keep them.

Dd is saying she doesn't want to continue ballet anymore. I've asked her to persevere til the summer, and then we can stop. It's super expensive and the show weekend was a nightmare.

As for being expected to help backstage and no please or if, there are always some parents who expect everyone else to do it, but they can't for whatever reason. By making it clear it's an expectation rather than a voluntary thing everyone knows where they stand.

Perhaps they should have made it clear when we signed DD up for the class then. I work in a school so, believe me, I know how difficult it can be finding volunteers for events but simply telling people they will volunteer isn't a solution because it doesn't change people's circumstances. I have a small baby who isn't going to just temporarily disappear for the weekend of the dance show, freeing me up to help out backstage, regardless of what the dance school "expect".

I volunteer for my daughter's dance school. 200 kids in the dance school, about 10% of us do alomost all the chaperining/backstage work. Those who refuse to help are the most demanding - like the one who cornered me at the stage door to demand to know why her daughter wasn't chosen to be in a photo for the newspaper, or the one who threw her child into rehearsals without even a bottle of water as she didnt have time to get him one, but had 5 minutes to give me hell about why her son didn't have a specially designed costume (he was 4, in the pre-school class).

Setting out expectations in advance is quite sensible - although if your words are verbatim, they have been quite blunt. If you can't help due to a small baby, then perhaps your partner can. Dads aren't precluded from helping; we use them for chaperoning boys, taking kids from dressing rooms to pick ups and vice versa, for signing kids in and out etc.

Setting out expectations in advance is quite sensible - although if your words are verbatim, they have been quite blunt. If you can't help due to a small baby, then perhaps your partner can

My DH will be working. Yes, those were their exact words and I'd say it was more than blunt, it was rude. Manners cost nothing. As I've already said, I'm well aware of the difficulties organisations face in finding volunteers to help with events. But if being a parent helper at these shows is in fact not voluntary at all but compulsory, this should be spelled out when parents first enquire about enrolling their DC in classes in the first place so they can make an informed decision.

Actually, having said it sounds normal, I do absolutely agree that it should be made clear on enrolling if it is compulsory to help.

Usual demands from dance schools. If your owner is half decent, she will give the young ones a slightly different schedule and allow them to be collected after their last part. Talk to the organiser and suggest that school fines are too expensive, kids are a bit young to be up that late on a Sunday before school and costs must be budgeted for.

It sounds very dodgy to me! How have they pressurised the local authorities to force schools to allow pupils to be in rehearsals?

This might make sense for a teenager planning a career in entertainment. For 5 and 6 year olds who just want a bit of fun and exercise, it is unacceptable to say they must miss school.

Similarly, I'm sure the school you work in would think it entirely unacceptable for you to take time off work for this.

I'd be looking elsewhere for dance classes.

This might make sense for a teenager planning a career in entertainment. For 5 and 6 year olds who just want a bit of fun and exercise, it is unacceptable to say they must miss school.

Exactly my point. I understand that for older children who are exceptionally talented and have a real passion for something, whether it's dance or sport or whatever, there probably comes a time where it does take priority over school because they're competing/performing at a very high level and over time it's become more of a career path than a hobby. But the assumption that this show should automatically take priority over school for all the children has really annoyed me to be honest.

School attendance is such a big thing nowadays. I honestly don't understand how they've got the local authority to agree to this unless they've bunged them a few quid

Similarly, I'm sure the school you work in would think it entirely unacceptable for you to take time off work for this.

Hahaha! You're not wrong there. I've known colleagues be refused time off for a close family members wedding so I can just imagine my Head's reaction to a request for leave to take a 5yo to a ballet rehearsal! I think she'd assume I was joking to he honest. If I wasn't on Mat leave there's no way I'd be able to facilitate this and I'm sure several of the other parents will struggle.

Our dance school gives children the option of participating or not. Some schools require participation.

Parent “volunteering” is standard.

Odd times and long hours are normal.

Missing school is not.

The email has been poorly worded - pleasantries seem to have gone amiss and it sounds very blunt! Some of the things you describe are normal ime and some don't.

My 5 year old son is in a drama group for children aged 4-16.

The show he did in December ran for two nights - Sat and Sun (with school in Mon) and a full tech/dress rehearsal on the Fri eve. No school was missed - I wouldn't be happy about that. They had to be at the theatre an hour prior to starting, in costume and the shows finished at around 8.45pm.

No one had to chaperone but quite a few of us volunteered to do one of two nights (and watch the third). I honestly didn't mind - I had a small group of 5 children to support and it was actually good fun. I see it as par for the course really - there are not enough staff to do all supervision.

Was he a bit tired on Mon morning? Yes, but he managed fine at school and it was one day of tiredness so no big deal.

Obviously, it's totally up to you but I can hand in heart say that doing the show was an amazing experience for my son (and the other kids) - he has so many friends at drama and learning important skills such as teamwork and building confidence is brilliant. Seeing them up on stage is honestly priceless and their faces when they come off at the end show their excitement and pride!

Maybe ask the teacher to do the rehearsal after school?

I'd say, if you can, let her do it - she'll have an amazing time

My dd is 5 and does acro. The dance company is putting on a similar show at a theatre in July. There has been loads of info, it's all transparent and politely worded. No pressure to take part. I would not let your dd take part if she would find it too much. In future maybe find a better dance company to use - they aren't all like that!

This was definitely normal when I was a little ballerina in the 80s, minus the school time rehearsal which is a bit ridiculous. It was something I look back on with pride - the performances took place at a beautiful art deco theatre which is no longer there and I still remember how exciting it was to dance in a proper theatre.

The half day off school is bizarre and not acceptable. I’d be saying no, without question. It’s bizarre.

But, if you don’t want to commit then don’t. This is the way dance shows are. Presumably it’s all ages up to 18?

I for one love it. I love the little ones, and they do, I think, enjoy being part of a bigger production, the buzz of it. My DD has been dancing since she was two. She’s 14 now and is at the dance school every day for hours. She loves being part of it, and the older girls have inspired her. It’s a big community for her.

If they get into it, and stick with it into their teenage years it’s great. Keeps them fit, heathy, gives them a great social life. (For me it’s mainly because she isn’t loitering in the local park).

It’s a massive investment of time and money though. But it’s not compulsory.

Getting time off school is not normal for an older child/teenager who takes part in am dram. You might just get it for sport, very unlikely for your local youth theatre. Local youth theatre sent several students to drama school; never expected any of them to take time off school though. This looks like bad planning.

This is exactly why my kids no longer do dance. If someone opened up a dance class which was purely for exercise/ fun with a promise of no shows they'd make a killing

Sylvia Young in London.

No shows just parents coming in on last day of the term to see the class in action

Bloody hell. That's ridiculous. There is absolutely no reason dance has to be so serious and OTT a hobby. Of course you have to work hard to be a professional dancer but these are 5 year olds - they're just doing it for fun. I wouldn't take a DC out of school for a sports match (and they'd never arrange it for such a ridiculous time) why is dance any different?

Wow I can't believe this is normal, ok if you want to be a professional but most children just do it for fun, glad I left ballet got kicked out because I have completely flat feet before I left infant school!

God this is extreme. I understand that for older kids who put in a lot of work and want to pursue it as a serious hobby or career this will give them a taster of what it's like. But for younger kids it will just put them off unless they are exceptionally talented. No 4 year old has that much concentration.

My almost 4 year old does dancing at our local leisure centre. They do a show at the end of each term. It's free, its half an hour. I know its not the same scale at all but she is getting exercise and she enjoys it