To feel like this re mourning dead family member.

[Feelawful1]

I have nc for this because I know I'll get flamed.

DP lost a close family member, about twenty years ago. It was very sudden. They (DP and the rest of the immediate family) have understandably never quite got over it,and I think they feel a lot of misplaced guilt over this person's death.

My issue is this. Every event - and I mean every event - has to make some mention of this relative and their absence. I don't just mean a "thinking of those who are missed today" reference, for example DP ended up very upset at our child's christening because a sibling started the usual conversation "ah, X will never see the baby, do you remember when..." which is still OK, reminiscing and all, but then this leads on to "I'll always wonder if we could have done anything differently, if only X had gone to the doctor that Thursday, I lie awake thinking how they must have suffered...." and then this obviously upsets DP.

Every year around the anniversary of the death, DP becomes morose and takes the day off work to have some quiet time to think about X. Ditto birthdays. Christmas usually has DP or another member of his family needing extra support as "they are finding it hard without X this year" this involves the family rallying around to the house of the upset one, which is lovely and supportive but it has often been at the expense of other things - I sat on my own with a newborn one Christmas Eve as the family had an emotional hours long discussion in the next room after BIL arrived at the door "needing to talk"

Recently an important event happened in my own life, something that had been years in the making and which was a big thing for me. DP was very quiet over this period of time and when I asked what was wrong, it was to do with thoughts about X. So then I felt I couldn't be happy or pleased, at least not showy about it

The children in the family are told stories about X, which again is lovely only again it sometimes seems to go that little bit far- being encouraged to kiss a photo of X at bedtime every night for example, and lots of attention is paid when a child of the family has a dream about X- this happens quite a bit. None of them ever met this relative. I have discouraged this in my own children as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. There are always comments about how a child looks like X, and when this is said there is a hush, dabbing of eyes etc. Every child in the family looks like X by this point.

I know I'm being horrible and people grieve differently, but sometimes I just want to have a nice time and celebrate family events without everyone ending up in tears over X. It's not like I haven't experienced loss in my own life, but my family don't behave like this so I'm not used to it.

There is another event coming up soon, which I'm very much looking forward to, and I just feel tired at the thought of it being dominated by this again - they are a big, close family, so there really is something every few months, if not more frequently, and it always means DP being more quiet and withdrawn for a few days before and/or afterwords.

I know how all this makes me sound, but honestly sometimes it makes me feel steeped in death and grief. There's so much talk of angels in heaven and meeting again that I feel like death is always just round the corner, or waiting in the wings even when celebrating a birth/marriage etc. I have developed quite bad health anxiety over a health scare I had a few years ago, so I'm not sure if that's why I'm finding it harder to handle. Then of course the more I feel fed up and uncomfortable with it all the more I think what a nasty person I must be

Watcher I am one of the people who was involved in your blanket and I know your story. You do not know mine or others here.

Some of us have chosen not to tell our stories. Of course some of us have lost children and loved ones in dreadful circumstances. Please try and recognise that. Read the OP's contributions again.

No one here is dismissive of deepest grief. There is criticism of the very bizarre behaviour of one family, decades on, which is affecting children who never even knew the deceased.

A very difficult situation that I have not encountered before- well not after 20 years of the person dying. What you describe is 1-3 years post death ime. Sounds like the family was extremely traumatised by this event and continue to re- traumatise themselves by constantly drawing back to this person. There appears to be a lot of guilt wrapped up in everything. ideally they would benefit from family therapy, but I know it's not a very british thing. It is unlikely to change unless someone in the inner circle decides that it is time to move on (without forgetting of course) and the family starts to interact and act in a different and more adaptive way.

I think they dwell in their own self pity tbh..
I mean come on nearly 20 years ago!

I know some people handle death differently but ..Honestly?..I feel for your DH as by the sounds of it, he wants to move on and does when he ain't around the "manic depressive" lot!
I lost my mum, she was 42 and it was very unexpected (never smoked/drank alcohol or took drugs) she left behind me (23 at the time) DB (4 at the time) DS (2 at the time) this was 7 years ago, Honestly I have 2 very happy , out going, lovely caring children (they call me mum now, their choice which I'm very proud of) we talk about her whenever they bring her up good times and the sad times.
What DH family are doing is absolute "torture!"
You OP are his strength and you are doing great by protecting your children from his "dysfunctional" family, tbh the DC whom"sees" X needs to be referred to CAMHS the poor thing, tbh I wouldn't be surprised if they remove the child!

Stay strong and approach the subject lightly with DH and I'm sure you will get him fully functioning to the point he will see that his family or dysfunctional!

Good luck OP

YANBU. 20 years ago is crazy that it’s affecting children who didn’t know the deceased so much that they’re either having dreams about X or saying they did as they know everyone will love to hear about it.

Grief never goes away but gradually the outside seeps in and it becomes manageable. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with raising a glass to X on his birthday or anniversary of his untimely passing but daily discussions and forcing his memory on children is not healthy.

While we think the Victorians were wrong with all their mourning habits, they did put a limit on active mourning. there were degrees of mourning, deep mourning, half mourning, and different lengths of mourning for different relatives. It was acknowledged that life had to go on. Even a Victorian child would not be expected to keep mourning a relative who died 20 years previously. There was also a folk belief that excessive grief carried on for too long prevented the soul of the dead person from resting, usually beyond a year and a day. Lots of ideas already mentioned. I hope that the family allows the member to finally rest, stressing to them that it doesn't mean that they can't remember them on significant days but only those who do remember the person

The problem with guilt is that it is such a negative emotion and it is obviously holding back your DP and his family. Even anger can be used to motivate but this family seem to feel that remembering X in any happy way, is some kind of betrayal. There is no 'right' time to stop mourning somebody but it is natural to find the pain lessens over time.

Good god I wouldn’t be able to cope with such self indulgent wallowing. My eyes would roll out if my head.

I like a PPs suggestion of inventing a dream of your own in order to hammer some sense into this bunch of weirdos.

“Gosh I must tell you all - I dreamed about Uncle Ken last night! We chatted for hours! Mostly he went on and on about how he was sick of hearing everyone weeping and wailing over him and how worried he was about it being unhealthy for the kids”.

And then next time someone mentions him you go “Ooh remember how much he hates it when we go all depressive and weird!!”

I can understand watcherofthenight I'm so sorry for the loss of your dd, it doesn't matter the age of a child. They're still your child. With respect the op and pps weren't saying there's a time line for grief as such but that ops situation was excessive. I lost my son and my parents within 6 months of eachother, I was only 30. My grief was overwhelming. My life fell apart.
I'm still suffering 6 years on BUT I try to have a normal life for my young dc. I speak about their brother and my parents daily but in a positive way. I don't want them to feel the pain I feel. I don't ever want my son and parents to be forgotten.

This is bizarre. I would say your DH is allowing it to encroach on family life - e.g. Christmas Eve story. You've far more patience than I do.

@WatcherOfTheNight I’m so very sorry for your loss. But people aren’t saying you aren’t allowed to grieve however you want, or that there is a date stamp on it, and people should ‘get over it’. Your loss will always be the worst thing to happen to you, and it will never not hurt. But in 20 years time, will you honestly be expecting your entire family to be making every single event in your family life all about your DD? Think of your DS - his 21st birthday. His wedding day. Those are days that should be about him. If your DS marries and has children, would you be expecting them to talk about your DD every day and kiss her photo every night? Nobody is saying you can’t grieve any way you want to for as long as you want to. Nobody is saying we shouldn’t remember the ones we love who have passed away. What people are saying is that you can’t expect everyone to grieve the same way as you do, and for everyone to choose to stay under a smothering blanket of grief forever, or for people to put on a ‘grief performance’, as the OP’s DH’s family are doing.

I almost lost my DS. Well, technically I did lose my DS, but we were able to revive him. The horror of that, the what ifs, will never ever leave me. They are in every single thing I do, every breath and every beat of my heart. It’s been years now, and that crushing dread is still just behind me, and if I turn to look at it, it catches me up. I accept that this is how life will always be for me now. But I don’t expect everyone else to feel that way too.

YANBU. Sounds awful.

I'd almost be hoping for another in law to pop their clogs just for a change of record.

Yanbu but I have very little patience with any kind of wallowing, and this is wallowing taken to an extreme, it’s very unhealthy.

Yanbu
They sound like they need professional help.
None of us are getting out of here alive. We will all end up in a box at some point!
My granny died 25 years ago, she was very young, only 57 and it was very sudden. We were all devastated and my aunt and 1 particular uncle took it really bad. It was horrendous for about 8 years.
We are all still heartbroken and miss her every single day. But we have moved on.
20 years is a ridiculous amount of time for what you've described.
I lost a few family members in unspeakably tragic circumstances a few years ago, and the fall out was all consuming and incredibly frustrating.
Maybe I'm a bit cold, I don't think I am. But I do accept that death is part of life.

No, you are not being cold at all morefoolyou.
There are stages of grief as we all know.

What seems to be happening in OPs situation is a bizarre constant rehearsal of an early stage which is not " healing" for want of a better word.
I sat on my own with a newborn one Christmas Eve as the family had an emotional hours long discussion in the next room after BIL arrived at the door "needing to talk" from the OP
That is seriously messed up behaviour, and I speak as someone who thinks of a toddler found dead in bed on christmas morning.
Decades on, I still have a wee tear in private, but it's big girls knickers on and let's have a lovely Christmas with the adult children and grandkids.
There is no making them kiss photos of dead children they never met and fucking up their mental health in the years ahead.
That's not cold, it is the right thing to do.

OP Ive got this in my family, get your husband to a grief councillor for one on ones and then you join later when its been pointed out to husband how much this is effecting your lives, and you get to have a bit of a say..
Good luck i really sympathise with you

I don't get English or even American funerals. You have to be invited!! FFS.

Of course you don’t!! FFS. That’s why people often put funeral details in the local paper. So anyone who wants to can come.

The responses of posters who are also going through long-term grief—I understand. I know that grief like that never leaves you and that memories can be triggering which starts the cycle again with fresh emotion. It’s agonising and becomes a part of you in a way that it’s impossible to “move on” from. BUT it’s absolutely not fair to have this affect other people’s lives so negatively. The OP had the christening of her child, weddings, christmases all coloured by this grief. And that’s really unfair. Yes there needs to be an outlet and opportunities for remembrance, but a Christening is not an appropriate time. The grief may feel all encompassing for the OP’s in-laws but it’s not for her—she wants her happy family memories and regardless of their bereavement they should respect that, it has after all been 20 years and there has to come a time when a line is drawn in the sand and it is respected that not every occasion is suitable to be used as a remembrance for a relative who has passed.

OP
Has there been any other bereavements in the family in the last 20 years? Or is this the one they choose to rule their lives?
Perpetuating it with young kids is really morbid and frankly weird, young kids shouldn't be kidding photos of long dead relatives they never knew or having dreams; the whole family sound mentally unwell.

Kissing* not kidding

I have no one left in my family, my brother, mother and father all having died; my brother died over 20 years ago so my parents suffered the loss of a child. Into the bargain, my father's family was quite literally torn apart when my grandfather died, my grandmother having to return to live with her family with my 2 year old father while my four year old aunt was brought up by my grandfather's family. It had repercussions right down the generations. About the only mention of 'your father would have wanted' was when my father was leaned on to join the Freemasons; he left after he had done all three degrees and fulfilled any obligation. Yes, it was tragic that my grandfather died young as a result of war wounds with two pre-school children, but it happened and life went on.

However, this never became a matter for wallowing. I remember my parents and brother regularly, speak of them with friends who often never knew them, telling of quirks and funny stories. This is normal. There are times, especially when I am ill, that I desperately miss them but it doesn't consume my life or my ability to go forward. They all had a good Scottish funeral with the usual whisky, food and family stories afterwards. To wallow and feel that the wound is still raw and bleeding twenty years on isn't right; life will never be the same, nor you, but it becomes a scar that aches or hurts at times rather than the all-encompassing and bleeding agony it was at first. It sounds like someone is deliberately keeping the family stuck in the first stages of grief without letting them heal.

TooManyPaws My story is very similar and I agree with your conclusions

We all lose people dear to us and we all have something upsetting happen to us. They are behaving like they are the only people ever to be bereaved and letting it define their lives. It's just not healthy.

I also think there's emotional blackmail going on in the family dynamic, they all have to make a fuss or they're uncaring. Who is driving it? Is there someone who thrives on the attention?

However deep the sadness they must surely understand that it isn’t appropriate to behave this way in the company of those not involved. The idea of the children being encouraged to kiss a photo of a dead stranger is just distasteful.

I would definitely be encouraging DH to go for one to one counselling, it sounds like he could do with some help with his healing. He may come to see things your way with some professional guidance.