To feel like this re mourning dead family member.

[Feelawful1]

I have nc for this because I know I'll get flamed.

DP lost a close family member, about twenty years ago. It was very sudden. They (DP and the rest of the immediate family) have understandably never quite got over it,and I think they feel a lot of misplaced guilt over this person's death.

My issue is this. Every event - and I mean every event - has to make some mention of this relative and their absence. I don't just mean a "thinking of those who are missed today" reference, for example DP ended up very upset at our child's christening because a sibling started the usual conversation "ah, X will never see the baby, do you remember when..." which is still OK, reminiscing and all, but then this leads on to "I'll always wonder if we could have done anything differently, if only X had gone to the doctor that Thursday, I lie awake thinking how they must have suffered...." and then this obviously upsets DP.

Every year around the anniversary of the death, DP becomes morose and takes the day off work to have some quiet time to think about X. Ditto birthdays. Christmas usually has DP or another member of his family needing extra support as "they are finding it hard without X this year" this involves the family rallying around to the house of the upset one, which is lovely and supportive but it has often been at the expense of other things - I sat on my own with a newborn one Christmas Eve as the family had an emotional hours long discussion in the next room after BIL arrived at the door "needing to talk"

Recently an important event happened in my own life, something that had been years in the making and which was a big thing for me. DP was very quiet over this period of time and when I asked what was wrong, it was to do with thoughts about X. So then I felt I couldn't be happy or pleased, at least not showy about it

The children in the family are told stories about X, which again is lovely only again it sometimes seems to go that little bit far- being encouraged to kiss a photo of X at bedtime every night for example, and lots of attention is paid when a child of the family has a dream about X- this happens quite a bit. None of them ever met this relative. I have discouraged this in my own children as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. There are always comments about how a child looks like X, and when this is said there is a hush, dabbing of eyes etc. Every child in the family looks like X by this point.

I know I'm being horrible and people grieve differently, but sometimes I just want to have a nice time and celebrate family events without everyone ending up in tears over X. It's not like I haven't experienced loss in my own life, but my family don't behave like this so I'm not used to it.

There is another event coming up soon, which I'm very much looking forward to, and I just feel tired at the thought of it being dominated by this again - they are a big, close family, so there really is something every few months, if not more frequently, and it always means DP being more quiet and withdrawn for a few days before and/or afterwords.

I know how all this makes me sound, but honestly sometimes it makes me feel steeped in death and grief. There's so much talk of angels in heaven and meeting again that I feel like death is always just round the corner, or waiting in the wings even when celebrating a birth/marriage etc. I have developed quite bad health anxiety over a health scare I had a few years ago, so I'm not sure if that's why I'm finding it harder to handle. Then of course the more I feel fed up and uncomfortable with it all the more I think what a nasty person I must be

It’s both strange and creepy, tbh

This is not normal. I think you need to push your to go to dh grief counselling. How will they handle the inevitable future losses of parents and aunts/uncles? Not to mention the fact that as the family has increased in family members there is a higher chance of another unexpected and youthful fatality within the family.

Sounds like the family are in a cult and X is/was the cult leader

Agree that they all could do with some grief counselling. No one can appear to be the one who moves on first. Is there someone you would say is the ringleader on this? Could they ve persuaded to get counselling. It might appeal that their grief is so special they need it.

I do know someone whose brother died young and the performance of grief seemed to centre round the mums need for performative family grief.

My own db died young a few years ago. It's fucking awful and I think about him many times a day. Sometimes it hits hard but we don't put expectations on each other or guilt ir needle each other into any particular behaviours.

I have lost a close friend through tragic and unexpected circumstances. And DP mums who was fit and healthy literally dropped dead. A shocking death is harder to deal with, but 20 years is very over the top. It sounds like they are reinforcing one anothers grief, rather than a far more healthy moving on.

YANBU. Their behaviour is absolutely insane.

This situation just sounds ridiculous. We all have deaths in our families to cope with at one time or another but they can't constantly define the rest of our lives or that of the family as they move through different stages in their lives.
My Grand father, Uncle and my Cousin all committed suicide in horrific ways and my brother was killed in a dreadful car accident but these things do not define my family and we are happy at special times. My Uncle killed himself on Christmas Eve, so let me tell you Xmas was never the same again, but we moved on and now have children of our own and don't let it affect us all.
Your DP's family need to get a grip.

Oldandwornout

He needs to speak to a grief counsellor. Perhaps go along together and talk about everything you've said here and explain that you feel his life is being controlled by a death from 20 years ago and then see if he can get some closure.

My Grandpa died suddenly and unexpectedly. We were all going to the table for a family dinner, he had to pop out to the shed to put tools away so we were all waiting... and waiting... then someone went to check and he'd had a heart attack and was gone. That was 18 years ago and he gets mentioned now and again, we tall about him. It was awful and tragic and it still affects my dad and his siblings and we all understand that. But it's just a mention or a funny story every so often. What you're describing is obsessive and unhealthy.

Is there any cultural context? I know grief can be a very cultural thing.
I lost a parent very suddenly 25 years ago, and my child has their name. The child doesn’t know much about them though.
Another family member, who the child knew and has a lot in common with, died a few years ago. We speak about him more.
Even so, the child is his own person.
This all sounds quite intense and unhealthy, like no-one can allow themselves to move forward.
I don’t think you’re harsh at all OP.

Counselling, counselling and more counselling, but only for your DP - that's your concern, not the rest of them. Maybe if he can see what is happening he can distance himself a bit.

Have there been no family bereavements in the last twenty years? If it was a young adult, taken before their time, I could see this memorializing happening, but has the older generation not started to pass away too? Seems very distorted to have all the family’s grief loaded on to one person for so long. And passing this on to the children, that’s just not on. Is it a famous/semi famous person, or culturally significant, eg soneone with a special gift or talent? I also wonder if it is to do with the family culture or ethnicity.

None of that is healthy at all - your DP needs counselling & you all need to be able to enjoy life - it's too bloody short to do anything else & I'm surprised these relatives in particular don't realise that given their loss.

Sounds very unhealthy family dynamic.

What do you know about the family dynamics before x died?

could it be attention seeking? It sounds like it could be the go-to thing to get all the attention on yourself in that family.

Or could it be avoidance of another issue? Like if they find talking about their feelings/issue difficult they just say ‘I miss X today’ and get their support that way instead?

I’m with the others who suggest counselling. I think it will be impossible to unpick this family dynamic without someone who can properly advise on what is going on and why and how best to address it. Otherwise your DH will just get sucked back into this dynamic again and again

We all have deaths in our families to cope with at one time or another but they can't constantly define the rest of our lives or that of the family as they move through different stages in their lives.

Agreed. I lost my DM unexpectedly nearly 20 years ago but we don''t obsess about her (the first couple of years were hard, but that's a long time ago now). I do share anecdotes and stories about her with my DC (who were born after she'd died) so they know what a great person she was. Anything more would seem odd.

I think you'd be perfectly justified to tell your DH that 20 years is a long time and it's time to start moving on. He may need to work out how to do that himself.

This sounds a lot like my dp's family. They've lost a few family members in the 15 years since I've known him, bless them. But the grieving is like a constant hobby for them!
Constant trips to the cemetery, shopping trips for different things to put on graves, remembrance meals and day trips. Every family party there is a lot of mention of 'it would all be so different if xx was still here.' I know that it's hard to lose someone but life is for living and there's a lot to be said for getting on with it and enjoying each day.
They also talk about how my two children missed out on seeing them, and try to talk to them about the relatives who have passed. As they're so young it just confuses them, my dd asked when she could see her other granny and I had to explain that she couldn't. I feel it's a bit unnecessary,

This is a very unhealthy family dynamic. I could definitely understand it if this shocking death was only a couple of years ago, but 20???? Please encourage your DP to have bereavement counselling. It sounds as if they all need it, but it has to be your DP who is your priority.

An ex of mine was like this after 17 years without their family member.

And I've known families who have shown grief this way and gone on and on for years.

It is sad. I get it. A young friend of mine from 11 years ago has just dropped. He's not the first by a few dozen now. But it is what it is.

People should be allowed to grieve however makes them feel better but this does not sound healthy or like they feel better at all. It's obsessive and pervasive and I would be wanting to talk to my OH about it if this was him. If I were you but there were no kids, I'd have left by now.

YANBU.I don't think you should feel guilty at all. Its oppressive. I don't know how you stand it..
The drama of the 9 year old's dreams. (???)
It sounds like its become their default way to communicate as a family on an emotional level.
If they are at all religious, would it help to talk to someone like a priest.(of whichever religion they may be) They bury people all the time and have seen it all before. They might have some practical advice or might be willing to come and talk.

Sometimes I think grief is a bit like Christmas, lots of traditions that absolutely have to be stuck to or someone will be upset and say its not enough.

Was the death a brother or a sister? It's just odd that you don't mention it....

I would not be able to tolerate this 20 years down the line & I would not want my children exposed to this unhealthy dynamic.

People are allowed to grieve in their own way, that's fine, but personally I would not be attending family events & I would not be taking my children. DH can go if he wants & they can all carry on with this behaviour without me & my children.

I have lost people in both natural & unnatural circumstances, old & young. We have all lost people. We all move on in our own way in our own time. I respect that & it would not be for me to tell them they need to change their behaviour - it would be up to me to make a choice as to whether to expose myself to that behaviour or not. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

I think Christina Rossetti summed it up well:

Miss me a little, but not for long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that once we shared
Miss me, but let me go

Nobody with an ounce of humanity would begrudge somebody from taking a moment to remember what would have been a loved one's birthday or commenting now and again that 'Mum would have loved to share this significant event with us, as would we have loved her to'; but getting upset and suggesting that people clearly couldn't care less about your late Uncle Andrew (especially 20 years on) because they don't start wailing uncontrollably every time somebody says the word 'and' is either indulgent in the extreme or in urgent need of professional help.

Those who are gone have no knowledge of what those who remain do or don't speak about them - remembrance and tributes are only for the benefit of those still living; and in any case, only a narcissist would want their surviving family's every waking moment to be consumed with bitter upset because of the fact that they are no longer with them (unless maybe if somebody had deliberately and wilfully harmed or murdered them, of course).

Is it possible to raise the question quietly whether X would actually want them all to be going on like this?

A niece of one of my parents died the year before I was born- tragically young- and they named me after her. I see it’s a nice gesture my my late grandmother was weird about it and used to say I was her “reincarnated” and stuff. Gave me the creeps!!! My parents aren’t like it and the family at large aren’t but she never moved past it- and I can see it was tragic and awful- but it’s not healthy.

Is X the only thing the family have in common? Is there nothing else to take their attention? Definitely weird, I would have capsized the boat by now, I am afraid or just not attended family get to gethers.

Ask them to let the subject go and move on to cheerier times