To feel like this re mourning dead family member.

[Feelawful1]

I have nc for this because I know I'll get flamed.

DP lost a close family member, about twenty years ago. It was very sudden. They (DP and the rest of the immediate family) have understandably never quite got over it,and I think they feel a lot of misplaced guilt over this person's death.

My issue is this. Every event - and I mean every event - has to make some mention of this relative and their absence. I don't just mean a "thinking of those who are missed today" reference, for example DP ended up very upset at our child's christening because a sibling started the usual conversation "ah, X will never see the baby, do you remember when..." which is still OK, reminiscing and all, but then this leads on to "I'll always wonder if we could have done anything differently, if only X had gone to the doctor that Thursday, I lie awake thinking how they must have suffered...." and then this obviously upsets DP.

Every year around the anniversary of the death, DP becomes morose and takes the day off work to have some quiet time to think about X. Ditto birthdays. Christmas usually has DP or another member of his family needing extra support as "they are finding it hard without X this year" this involves the family rallying around to the house of the upset one, which is lovely and supportive but it has often been at the expense of other things - I sat on my own with a newborn one Christmas Eve as the family had an emotional hours long discussion in the next room after BIL arrived at the door "needing to talk"

Recently an important event happened in my own life, something that had been years in the making and which was a big thing for me. DP was very quiet over this period of time and when I asked what was wrong, it was to do with thoughts about X. So then I felt I couldn't be happy or pleased, at least not showy about it

The children in the family are told stories about X, which again is lovely only again it sometimes seems to go that little bit far- being encouraged to kiss a photo of X at bedtime every night for example, and lots of attention is paid when a child of the family has a dream about X- this happens quite a bit. None of them ever met this relative. I have discouraged this in my own children as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. There are always comments about how a child looks like X, and when this is said there is a hush, dabbing of eyes etc. Every child in the family looks like X by this point.

I know I'm being horrible and people grieve differently, but sometimes I just want to have a nice time and celebrate family events without everyone ending up in tears over X. It's not like I haven't experienced loss in my own life, but my family don't behave like this so I'm not used to it.

There is another event coming up soon, which I'm very much looking forward to, and I just feel tired at the thought of it being dominated by this again - they are a big, close family, so there really is something every few months, if not more frequently, and it always means DP being more quiet and withdrawn for a few days before and/or afterwords.

I know how all this makes me sound, but honestly sometimes it makes me feel steeped in death and grief. There's so much talk of angels in heaven and meeting again that I feel like death is always just round the corner, or waiting in the wings even when celebrating a birth/marriage etc. I have developed quite bad health anxiety over a health scare I had a few years ago, so I'm not sure if that's why I'm finding it harder to handle. Then of course the more I feel fed up and uncomfortable with it all the more I think what a nasty person I must be

That sounds incredibly hard to live with. Many (depressive) families have a tendency to hold onto negatives rather than positives and it's so unhealthy. I can't get my head round it personally, and try to encourage them to celebrate the happy times rather than sad. Yes people need to grieve, and we all do it differently, but this sounds dreadful.

I liken it to driving, it's good to glance in the rear view mirror once in a while, as it's good to think what might be up ahead and be prepared, but the main focus needs to be in the here and now. If it's not, then you're not only heading for trouble and likely to crash, but you're missing out on the good stuff in your present.

It sounds to me as if you've been very patient, and maybe it's time for some tough love. You can't change things for the larger family, but you can (and IMHO should) take steps to minimize the impact of such behaviours on your direct family. Too much looking back to something which is not and probably never was in their control is self-defeating, and really not a great pattern of behaviour for your children to pick up.

I truly feel for you, and hope you can grab back some joy for the sake of you and your family.

Is there any guilt involved? The only people I know who are similar have huge amounts of guilt. They all feel that more could have been done to prevent the death and to sort a huge fall out prior to it so live with huge amounts of guilt.

It sounds like they’ve got themselves in a cycle of that being their focus and they can’t break that while they are all together. It’s not healthy.

Its clear that this family use X as a means of retaining a sense of connection to each other ... its dysfunctional.

YANBU at all. This is ridiculous. You are right to not want your children kissing pictures of X goodnight. Not sure what advice to offer but just wanted you to know that you aren't being a bitch, you sound very much like the sane one in this situation.

Yep, this is abnormal. It’s also, if you’ll forgive me, quite self-absorbed. I mean, really, your DH ruined your big achievement by deciding that was a good time to wallow in his twenty year old grief. That’s pretty selfish IMHO.

You need to get firm with your DH for the sake of your children. They deserve to enjoy events like Christmas, not have a shadow cast over it. I wonder if you and the kids can opt out of family events, with the reasoning that “Family events usually revolve around the family’s grief over X. I wouldn’t want to take that away from you, but this is upsetting for the kids. I don’t want them attenting family events that they can’t just enjoy like normal kids.”

Hmm. I’m sure many MNers will pounce on my suggestion with “Are you mad, woman?”, but I don’t know what else to suggest. You’re in a shitty position, OP. Sorry.

Agree it sounds like guilt not grief. Was it a suicide OP?

YANBU

The whole thing is ridiculous. I'd refuse to attend any more family events or have my children exposed to these people. I'd tell my DH they can either wallow in their ridiculousness, or they can enjoy time with my living, here and now children, but not both.

I'd also be talking seriously with my DH about this and telling him that he is not to ruin any more of our immediate family's events with this nonsense. I'd have been furious after the event that meant a lot to you (a graduation?) was ruined because of this and would have let him know it.

It sounds like you have been VERY patient. I’d be tempted to say
“From what you have told me about x, I’m sure he would have wanted us to celebrate this special day, not sit around feeling sad!”

I’d be removing my kids from the grieving every time. I don’t think it’s mentally healthy. I’d suggest counseling

I suspect X was the glue that held their family dynamic together - I’m guessing his mother? - and they’ve substituted the loss of X as the glue.

YANBU.
I lost a very close family member a few years ago and none of us act like this. It’s creepy and weird. I went to a bereavement counsellor a few months after the loss, who told me that if I was still as upset in a few years time that they would be very concerned. It sounds like they haven’t done any processing at all and they’ve become emotionally co dependent. It might be worth you sending your DH to see a bereavement counsellor. An expert can then help him to see how dysfunctional this is. Once he’s no longer in the drama zone then perhaps that will seep through to the rest of them. I’d be refusing to attend any family events until he’s seen a counsellor and that had to be a minimum of 12 sessions. I’d say “myself and the children are becoming traumatised by the constant reference to your long dead relative so we won’t be attending until we’ve had professional help to process our feelings”

I would hate to think that when I am gone my family would be constantly distressed over it. I would want them to remember me once in a while with fondness and a smile and then get on with having the best and happiest life they possibly could.
I am sure x would have felt the same . This is way beyond that. It is bonkers frankly.
We lost my mil v suddenly 25 yrs ago and subsequently one of our close relatives committed suicide as they had a breakdown over it. It was horrendous .
We grieved long and hard but eventually moved on . You never forget them or stop missing them but it does not overshadow our family .

I know that 8s exactly what my mil would've wanted.

I’m not sure there’s a lot you can do apart from to suggest counselling when with his family.

Natural to feel grief around the anniversary of his death, birthday etc, but to resurrect him at other events is weird. And to kiss the photo, bizarre!

I kn9w this is a cliche but every person reacts differently to death. Some people just never believe anything like that co yuld happen to them. To be honest it doesn't sound like they'll ever snap out of it, and I think you'll be seen as the big bad if you ever mention it. I was very much a daddy's girl and when he died I fell apart hugely, then a) was shocked when after a few years everything was less about him and b) couldn't get that other people who lost parents could get daily life going as normal within months. Then I saw a tv show where the family on a talk show were acting the way you said over ten years after the death of their dad and it woke me up. I t hink it'll take something to wake them up, but I'm not sure counselling will do it, it might just take themselves. Maybe a 'did you ever talk to anyone about x's death?' It is very sad and does sound more like guilt than disbelief that their dad is dead

I said 'dad', I meant whoever it is!!!!

Did you meet X OP? I'm guessing it's their Mother (or Father). She (he) may have dominated their lives when alive too?

It all sounds tedious and self-indulgent.

Recently an important event happened in my own life, something that had been years in the making and which was a big thing for me. DP was very quiet over this period of time and when I asked what was wrong, it was to do with thoughts about X

I somehow knew you would say this! Your 'D' P needs to give his head a wobble and realise that life is for the living. Whatever your big event was, he should be celebrating that / supporting you whatever, not getting into a pity party with his head in his chest, being morose for no reason.

It is self indulgent, its also competitive wallowing, and done out of guilt. I really do get it about losing someone, my dd died when she was 3, but to spin every event into a pity party taking the shine off that event is so very wrong and the only reason it is done is so that the wallowing person is the centre of attention, its highly selfish.... As a pp said, it is like driving, its ok to look in the mirror on what has been but you need to concentrate on the now and the future. We all have days and periods which are triggering but to bring up a deceased person at every opportunity is wrong and to project this onto small children is very damaging. My remaining dc remember their sister with love and fondness, we do not linger on the what ifs, we know that she would be proud of everything we do, we miss her everyday that will never go away, but if theres something to celebrate, we will celebrate.

There is a condition called post traumatic grief disorder. I don't know a lot about it and it's not very likely that all the members of the family would have it. I think when death occurs traumatically and 'out of normal order' eg a young person, people can just become stuck in their grief.
Sorry that doesn't help you I know and I really couldn't be doing with it all either.

The feeling coming up when I read your posts is disgust.

My father died when I was a child - older child. It was extremely difficult as no one comforted me. It was a few weeks from diagnosis to death so I did have time to say goodbye. I imagine it’s difficult if you don’t. However my grief was very difficult as I say because I had to do it completely alone so I do understand being stuck. Therapy helped a lot.

It sounds as if your dhs family never learnt / was taught to grieve. They are seriously screwing up your children. The thing we should be teaching about life is that death is inevitable in a caring and nurturing way. Your children otoh are learning that when you die they are not allowed to live.

You really seriously need to pull away from these narcissistic people. They are making your lives a misery and holding you all to hostage.

For the sake of your children you cannot allow your children to be around this any longer. Unless they can change you need to give your husband a choice between acting like them or staying together as a family.

There's some other dynamic here OP and I'd echo those pps who have said it is to do with guilt. Do you know you have been told the truth about how the person died? I wonder if it wasn't as straightforward as you have been told and that's the root of it all, e.g. you've been told it was a tragic accident, but actually the person had taken x/been drinking or even killed themself? I may be way off the mark, but it's not normal after all this time, if anything about grief can ever be normal.

YA definitely NBU, quite honestly it sounds ridiculous. But as pp said I'm not sure you can do much about it 🙁 you won't make a whole family change their ways and mentioning anything could end badly?

The whole ‘I had a dream that X was helping me with my spelling test’ is concerning. It’s almost like a religious cult kissing Jesus every night and God guiding through the difficult points. Very very unhealthy for the kids and the right call on so many levels for you to refuse to indulge at all.

What do all the other in laws think about it all it must be equally bemusing for them?

I've seen this sort of behaviour and there is not much you can do for the wider family as it has become the way they relate to each other. What you may find is that when one key person dies it will quieten down and you may be surprised who that is.

For your own family is sounds as if your husband is carrying a lot of unresolved and complicated grief which will mean that every death will hit him very hard. I've done funerals where families are all over the place as there is a lot of unacknowledged grief from other events. Counselling could be good for him but be aware that the family may well turn on him if he does not perform as expected at family get togethers.

It seems that this person X was in control for a long time, for this to be the whole family reaction so unless was dh's mum, dad or older sibling, it seems unwarranted.
If it was mum, dad or older sibling then it can take a long time. My father died before my son was born very suddenly but 12 yrs ago now and I don't do all the things your dh family does. But we do talk to the kids, tell stories and at weddings, christenings and funerals he is missed. I have two pictures in frames with the rest of the family pictures ( no kissing by children!) and it's usually his birthday I miss him the most. I'm not defending how the family are being but depending on the position the person held in the family - this is not unusual but does seem extreme

It is like they can't be seen to stop grieving first, because it means that you didn't love the dead person as much as the others who are still being seen to be "grieving".

Some weird family dynamics going on there.