To feel like this re mourning dead family member.

[Feelawful1]

I have nc for this because I know I'll get flamed.

DP lost a close family member, about twenty years ago. It was very sudden. They (DP and the rest of the immediate family) have understandably never quite got over it,and I think they feel a lot of misplaced guilt over this person's death.

My issue is this. Every event - and I mean every event - has to make some mention of this relative and their absence. I don't just mean a "thinking of those who are missed today" reference, for example DP ended up very upset at our child's christening because a sibling started the usual conversation "ah, X will never see the baby, do you remember when..." which is still OK, reminiscing and all, but then this leads on to "I'll always wonder if we could have done anything differently, if only X had gone to the doctor that Thursday, I lie awake thinking how they must have suffered...." and then this obviously upsets DP.

Every year around the anniversary of the death, DP becomes morose and takes the day off work to have some quiet time to think about X. Ditto birthdays. Christmas usually has DP or another member of his family needing extra support as "they are finding it hard without X this year" this involves the family rallying around to the house of the upset one, which is lovely and supportive but it has often been at the expense of other things - I sat on my own with a newborn one Christmas Eve as the family had an emotional hours long discussion in the next room after BIL arrived at the door "needing to talk"

Recently an important event happened in my own life, something that had been years in the making and which was a big thing for me. DP was very quiet over this period of time and when I asked what was wrong, it was to do with thoughts about X. So then I felt I couldn't be happy or pleased, at least not showy about it

The children in the family are told stories about X, which again is lovely only again it sometimes seems to go that little bit far- being encouraged to kiss a photo of X at bedtime every night for example, and lots of attention is paid when a child of the family has a dream about X- this happens quite a bit. None of them ever met this relative. I have discouraged this in my own children as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. There are always comments about how a child looks like X, and when this is said there is a hush, dabbing of eyes etc. Every child in the family looks like X by this point.

I know I'm being horrible and people grieve differently, but sometimes I just want to have a nice time and celebrate family events without everyone ending up in tears over X. It's not like I haven't experienced loss in my own life, but my family don't behave like this so I'm not used to it.

There is another event coming up soon, which I'm very much looking forward to, and I just feel tired at the thought of it being dominated by this again - they are a big, close family, so there really is something every few months, if not more frequently, and it always means DP being more quiet and withdrawn for a few days before and/or afterwords.

I know how all this makes me sound, but honestly sometimes it makes me feel steeped in death and grief. There's so much talk of angels in heaven and meeting again that I feel like death is always just round the corner, or waiting in the wings even when celebrating a birth/marriage etc. I have developed quite bad health anxiety over a health scare I had a few years ago, so I'm not sure if that's why I'm finding it harder to handle. Then of course the more I feel fed up and uncomfortable with it all the more I think what a nasty person I must be

While I get it that you are fed up with being dragged down by the constant remembrance at events I kind of think that it’s one of those things that can’t be helped.
I can only express it from experience, it’s like a bone drenching utter utter sadness that absolutely dominates thoughts and feelings.
It’s been 32 years for our family but it was the most significant and influential experience of my entire life.
I remember it like it was yesterday, the night it happened, the way I felt, the actual words said to me, the funeral and the blackness that engulfed every single member of our family.
It may be unresolved grief but actually we have not and will never recover.
I rather think that you are being dragged along unfairly though

I’m sure the event was horrific, crosser, but that is a very sad waste of a life, imo. 32 years...

I will never ever recover from the death of my daughter aged 35 (less than 2 years ago) but I still maintain that wallowing in it won't make it any easier.
God knows every bloody day is hell, but I don't need other people to join in with my misery, nor would I expect them to.
It's unhealthy.

I can only express it from experience, it’s like a bone drenching utter utter sadness that absolutely dominates thoughts and feelings. That's just what it's like, crosser

I think almost everyone will have had a tragic event in their lives.

The thing is, whilst we don't ever forget someone, we do, eventually over time, learn to live around the hurt and the grief.

We don't constantly crush the joyful moments of those living, with the pain of our loss. This family dynamic is frighteningly dysfunctional.

Can you suggest greif counselling the gp can arrange it
The kids need to kept out out if this totally innappropriate
Id be ok with a toast or comment at special occasions as these can be really hard for people who are grieving but encouraging the dream nonsense is unhealthy

what relation is it op? was it mum/dad

I haven't RTFT but I can understand why you find this draining OP

No answers but it does almost sound like competitive grief with all DP's family wanting to actively demonstrate to each other how much X meant to them

I can't really offer any advice other than to agree with others that if you could put more distance between your family and DP's family then at least you wouldn't have to deal with this quite as often

Crosser62 that's more or less how it is for DP and his family I think. They will never be the same again. That will be true regardless of how they show their grief, and it makes me very sad for them.

I think part of it, too, is linked to the loss of their own potential due to the death of X - eg one sibling did not take up a university place in the immediate aftermath of the death, because things were still so raw and they were so lost in grief, another was engaged and the engagement subsequently collapsed for the same reason, everyone in the family had their lives put on a different trajectory due to the loss, one way or another.

I don't want to put details of who X was or how they died, because there were articles in the local media at the time and it is still remembered in the area, I wouldn't like anyone to read this and put two and two together.

I agree that there probably isn't much I can do, beyond a certain level of detachment and protecting my children from the worst of it, but I will be discussing this with DP, though I'll do it bit by bit, as and when the next event comes round and it starts back up again. I'm really grateful for the measured responses I've received, thank you.

I think one of the roles of a close extended family is to show the younger members how to deal with loss and grief. How you support each other in the terrible early days , months and years, and how eventually you try to get to the point where you remember them with love, tell funny stories about them and try to honour them by living your best life. I know this is harder and perhaps impossible when someone has died tragically or very young , but it is sad that the DC in your wider family are not being shown how to manage the grief that is an inevitable part of life.

I'm glad to see your post @derxa ,I was reading through seriously feeling abnormal & if I'm honest, a bit angry at all the posts calling people's long term grief self indulgent & wallowing etc.
How lucky they are to not have experienced a grief that finishes you !

YABU My DB died 25 years ago. It's a wound that never heals. I would love to have the family support your dh has. I have no one to talk to about him. Subconsciously I begin to feel morose a few weeks before the anniversary. Mourning and death are handled very badly in this country.

I agree completely with your post Dextra ,I wonder if those commenting negatively have experienced the death of a child ? a sudden & unexpected death ? One that you may not ever find the cause of ?
I wonder If they've been through finding their child ,sibling or family member deceased or had to formally identify the body ?
Think about if it was your child or sibling ,do you really think you'd ever really "get over it" and be feeling that you shouldn't bring them up incase you spoil others fun & just should party on regardless?

I've said IRL & on here the one thing that makes this so much harder is how people judge ,it's disgusting
Some bereavements end your life as you know it .
It's been 18 months for me and I know I'll never get over the death of my DD,she was one in a million & deserves to be remembered as the beautiful ,kind ,gentle soul that she was .
She is to us a family member just like those still with us & I'm so very grateful my family feel the same .

Counselling is thrown about like a magic cure all ,yet it doesn't always work ,especially when the trauma is so severe.
My Ds who saw his sister dead whilst we tried to help her & whilst we waited for paramedics will continue to struggle ,as will my DH.
My DF still can't even come to my house at the moment ,that's what traumatic death does . Count yourself lucky you've never experienced it & have some bloody empathy!

Protecting your DC is vital. I grew up in the same position as your DC are now.

The mystery, the drama, and the horror are properly frightening. The death did cast ripples through the generations, but only because the older generation were relentlessly self-indulgent and hysterical.

There is no need to terrify small children. Especially if The Death was suicide or an accident, because that's usually how young people die.

@crosser62 ,I'm so sorry to read what you've been through .
You posted as I was writing and what you've said I can relate to 110%.
I wish I'd seen your post first, I would've just quoted you ,instead I've probably posted a load of angry ,brain fuddled rubbish!
I'm sending you a very un mumsnetty cwtch

Op, you have the patience of a bloody Saint.

Count yourself lucky you've never experienced it & have some bloody empathy!

Piss right off with that crap!
My family experienced a very traumatic death of a very dear loved one that ended up with me sleeping in a hospital waiting room for 4 nights 9 months pregnant and then a horrific 4 year police involvement and court case that has had massive ramifications in all of our lives. And since then we've lost loved ones through a gruelling cancer battle and recently an out of the blue medical reason.
But you know what we have not done. Pissed our grief on those around us. Letting it destroy our lives, poisoned the wonderful new lives that we've all been blessed with.
We are alive. They are dead and nothing will change that.
There is always someone on the planet with worse shit so we can either wallow and weep or pull up socks and get on with our lives the best way we can.

Watcher I'm very sorry to read about your DD. I do have to say though, some of us have been through circumstances like those you describe and don't recognise the experience of daily active mourning as described by the OP. Admittedly it's never very far away in our minds, but it's certainly not an actively sought, public topic as described here. The situation the OP describes doesn't sound like it can lead to healing for the family - quite the opposite in fact.

Actually @Contraceptionismyfriend no I won't "piss off "
Did you lose a child ? Or 2 ?
And how dare you call my experience with the death of my daughter crap !
My experience & opinion is just as valid as everyone elses on this thread ,neither you nor anyone else has lived through it so you have no understanding of what I've been through,what I've posted isn't half of it.
As I said ,no empathy & people judging when they've no idea of someone else's experience.

Your experience with a close family member didn't affect you the way the death of my Daughter affected me & that's fine but it doesn't give you the right to judge my grief.

@ContessaIsOnADietDammit you may have been through similar ,but thats your experience not mine & I hope to god the exact trauma I went through doesn't mirror yours .
If it does ,I'm so sorry you've experienced the death of your child in such horrific circumstances.

My intention for posting was to try & explain that some situations are so damaging,healing is impossible ,I hoped posters would see that .

And yes Contaceptionis,as you said ,there is always someone worse off ...how nice of you to show such kindness & kick them while they're down !

@WatcherOfTheNight I never called your experience crap I called your BS dismissive comment crap. The idea that anyone who disagrees with you can't possibly know what grief is.
Again you have no idea how I or anyone else on this thread has been affected.
You have no idea how badly we have all grieved. But the bottom line is that OPs DH isn't right. What he and his family are doing isn't right.
If he and his want to lock themselves away and spend the rest of their life like this then fine. But they have no right to steal the OPs life and happiness. And they have no right to force such toxicity onto children.

I think you need to help your DP consider if this is actually a proportionate response to this event. Of course it’s very sad, even tragic, by the sound of things, but it’s stopping the act of living, for those who remain.
We had three years of awful deaths - an accident, and two young deaths from horrible illness - but although we are always thinking of them (almost daily even), how would they wish you to live? Is it worth spending time wallowing, and reading of clothes after all this time, or is it time to celebrate the life left for all who remain!? I’d be especially concerned at the children being pulled into this, so I think I’d choose to be more arms length to these reactions, and encourage your DP at least, to use this as an opportunity to celebrate life.

@Contraceptionismyfriend ,I
wasn't on about the Op,I was posting about some of the awful posts on this thread
Not once did I mention her & I don't give a shiny shit about people disagreeing with me?
Why would I ? everyone is entitled to their own opinion ,I just wanted Pp to think how others are affected if they've had an extremely traumatic death that they can't get over .
I'm sure you know that though & I've no headspace right now to argue or read any more of your posts about my BS (ha so funny ! )

I will say though ,you've been through horrific trauma like I have ,so where's your empathy? I've said I'm broken & you come with "piss off with that crap " how nice !

I'm only here tonight to delete the spammers & the hairy handers ,I'm not here to justify my grief or experience so I'll bid you a goodnight & wish you well .

I know you weren't on about the Op. but you still made the comment Count yourself lucky you've never experienced it & have some bloody empathy!

Which you have no right to say!
I'm not asking you to justify anything

What a difficult situation OP.

People use the phrase "time heals" but I think that there are some bereavements where that simply isn't true. I think it's especially the case where a death is unexpected, traumatic and/or at a young age.

I think people learn to live with the wound of the loss and find the best way they can to adjust to a new normal where that person is no longer a part of their life.

Some people manage to achieve this in a why that's deemed worthy and laudable - for example charity work/raising funds to prevent further occurrences or assist others in similar circumstances. It's a way of honouring and remaining close to the deceased and keeping them relevant in their ongoing lives.

We find these actions admirable as a society,

by which I mean "productive" grief garners admiration but grief that's not channelled is perceived as almost self indulgent.

Your DP's are using the mechanism of family events to re-enforce their bond not only to the deceased but to their own and wider shared grief and keeping that person close and relevant to their current lives.

I'd suggest it's become a way of coping that's clearly now very ingrained and the "new normal" and possibly the glue to bind them as a family in that it dominates their relationships. Let go of the collective grieving and what's the real substance of those relationships like? Is there an underlying fear of even more loss of being outside or potentially ostracised by failing to participate in the collective family psyche?

It sounds like everyone was very traumatised by the events - beyond the loss of X there is a mourning for a life trajectory they were all denied in the aftermath.

The problem is that this path of collective grieving isn't allowing the pain of loss to heal (and as above I think there are circumstances where that just isn't possible) but rather it's actively picking at the "wound".

This is evidenced by your DP's emotional state when you were living abroad and less exposed to the expectation that family events and key dates have to punctuated by acts of intense remembrance, guilt, sadness and support.

I don't think you are unreasonable to expect that every event should not be dominated by a tragedy that happened 2 decades previously, nor do I think it's fair to impose grief on a generation who did not ever know the deceased.

I'm not however sure what you can do to change anything though beyond insisting on the boundaries you already have wrt your children because your DP is going to find it extremely hard to find a different "normal" whilst his family stay on the same trajectory - other than create a significant physical distance between them as you did whilst living abroad.