To feel like this re mourning dead family member.

[Feelawful1]

I have nc for this because I know I'll get flamed.

DP lost a close family member, about twenty years ago. It was very sudden. They (DP and the rest of the immediate family) have understandably never quite got over it,and I think they feel a lot of misplaced guilt over this person's death.

My issue is this. Every event - and I mean every event - has to make some mention of this relative and their absence. I don't just mean a "thinking of those who are missed today" reference, for example DP ended up very upset at our child's christening because a sibling started the usual conversation "ah, X will never see the baby, do you remember when..." which is still OK, reminiscing and all, but then this leads on to "I'll always wonder if we could have done anything differently, if only X had gone to the doctor that Thursday, I lie awake thinking how they must have suffered...." and then this obviously upsets DP.

Every year around the anniversary of the death, DP becomes morose and takes the day off work to have some quiet time to think about X. Ditto birthdays. Christmas usually has DP or another member of his family needing extra support as "they are finding it hard without X this year" this involves the family rallying around to the house of the upset one, which is lovely and supportive but it has often been at the expense of other things - I sat on my own with a newborn one Christmas Eve as the family had an emotional hours long discussion in the next room after BIL arrived at the door "needing to talk"

Recently an important event happened in my own life, something that had been years in the making and which was a big thing for me. DP was very quiet over this period of time and when I asked what was wrong, it was to do with thoughts about X. So then I felt I couldn't be happy or pleased, at least not showy about it

The children in the family are told stories about X, which again is lovely only again it sometimes seems to go that little bit far- being encouraged to kiss a photo of X at bedtime every night for example, and lots of attention is paid when a child of the family has a dream about X- this happens quite a bit. None of them ever met this relative. I have discouraged this in my own children as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. There are always comments about how a child looks like X, and when this is said there is a hush, dabbing of eyes etc. Every child in the family looks like X by this point.

I know I'm being horrible and people grieve differently, but sometimes I just want to have a nice time and celebrate family events without everyone ending up in tears over X. It's not like I haven't experienced loss in my own life, but my family don't behave like this so I'm not used to it.

There is another event coming up soon, which I'm very much looking forward to, and I just feel tired at the thought of it being dominated by this again - they are a big, close family, so there really is something every few months, if not more frequently, and it always means DP being more quiet and withdrawn for a few days before and/or afterwords.

I know how all this makes me sound, but honestly sometimes it makes me feel steeped in death and grief. There's so much talk of angels in heaven and meeting again that I feel like death is always just round the corner, or waiting in the wings even when celebrating a birth/marriage etc. I have developed quite bad health anxiety over a health scare I had a few years ago, so I'm not sure if that's why I'm finding it harder to handle. Then of course the more I feel fed up and uncomfortable with it all the more I think what a nasty person I must be

Are they Irish? I've only really seen this sort of thing in Irish families. (Several ex's have been Irish).

I think it matters which relation it was. If it was their mother or father it's a bit understandable. Still annoying though.

This sort of thing is really not a feature of Irish families.

Definitely NOT a feature of Irish families. Irish people are more likely to have one helluva shindig/send-off more akin to a wedding than a funeral (unless it's a young person). There was a tradition of wearing black and being in 'mourning' for a year, but it has died out in my generation. E.g., Christmas cards wouldn't be sent the year someone in the direct family died. There are then annual anniversaries, and the dreaded 'cemetery Sunday - which is inevitably pissing rain and freezing', also followed by a get together and shindig lol (any excuse for a party). The Irish are actually probably the least maudlin about death - the death is talked to 'death' literally for a few weeks and then really just memories. Unless you're Peig. She was a different story altogether.

I'm gathering that it was death by suicide of your DP's sister and that the thing you achieved was something his sister would have achieved perhaps and I guess when that has never been able to come to pass, it may have brought him a sense of loss too.

Your DP needs to realise it's time to move on.

Oh bless your heart girl!!Hopefully you don't have to attend all of those "birthday parties"!

Op, tbh I would consider moving away. Doesn't have to be abroad again but a re-location somewhere else at least 2/3 hours away. I only say this because this is not right. The kids are learning all the time that if a person dies you carry on like this....forever. It's just not healthy and I don't think it will change. Its almost a learnt behaviour now...this competitive grieving. The shrine to this person will be polished forever. Its effecting your dh and his ability to move on (not to mention his happiness, this is the stuff of a breakdown) and your kids lives too.

So I say discuss this with your dh and move away if you can. Maybe a new job for dh in a brand new place. New start for you all. You can always visit but at least then its controlled and not drip feed at every family event.

Otherwise I don't have any ideas of how to sort this out op.

YABU My DB died 25 years ago. It's a wound that never heals. I would love to have the family support your dh has. I have no one to talk to about him. Subconsciously I begin to feel morose a few weeks before the anniversary. Mourning and death are handled very badly in this country.

My mil signed up to an ancestry site so she could find even more distant dead relatives to grieve over.

And just further opinion on Irish death is this article

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/09/why-the-irish-get-death-right

I don't get English or even American funerals. You have to be invited!! FFS. That's madness to an Irish person. If you're Irish, and a colleague's parent dies, you go to the funeral/removal/wake. A neighbour, yes! Relatives that you've never met in your life? You go. Usually staying overnight to enjoy the shindig after.
Funerals can sometimes have well over 1000 people to pay their respects. You won't get in the church, and at the graveyard, the priest needs a microphone because of the hundreds there.

My own grandmother's funeral was huge! Half of a whole county and everyone from about 3 towns was there. It was a MASSIVE AFFAIR. In fairness she was in her 80's and had reared 4 children who all worked in jobs where they would be well known.

So please don't say that Irish people are crap at grief. We're actually experts at it.

I live in England and have went to funerals, but only once been actually invited. I think it depends on your family as well. One of my in laws do this invite to a funeral thing. My mum thought they were batshit crazy when she found out.

@derxa I'm sorry for your loss and you could think about seek img grief counselling and talk about your sibling openly. But to believe that a death that occurred 20 years ago should come pelt LG overshadow multiple lives and multiple generations is absolutely bloody ridiculous.

YANBU

I've never heard of this being as thing in Ireland (I'm Irish). I actually think the Irish handle death very well. In my experience, Irish people are extremely pragmatic about death.

Their behaviour is definitely OTT and you have done so well so far to put up with it. I agree with a previous PP that moving further away would be a good option but that would only work if your DH could also see the problem. As others have said I have had a lot of losses including DH plus losing my mother at 16 but no way am I caught up in grief. Glad you are protecting your own DCs from this nonsense

I'm sorry for your loss and you could think about seek img grief counselling and talk about your sibling openly. I knew someone would say that. The amount of time and money I've spent on counselling...
I don't often get genuinely upset or angry on MN but that has hit me like a punch in the gut.

Sounds like a bit of a cult they started.
I think the whole family needs some sort of therapy, it's toxic and unhealthy to keep it up.

derxa I'm sorry to hear about this, I have PM'd you.

The discussion about funerals is interesting - I'm pretty sure I offended step-MIL by not actively inviting her and FIL to my mother's funeral. It never occurred to me that an invitation was considered necessary, and frankly I was grateful she wasn't there anyway because she's hard work

Wrt the thread: DH scolded me when my mother had been 3 years dead and I didn't feel like going out dancing on the anniversary I'm sure there must be a middle ground between that and your situation! They sound so very invested in their grief, it's frightening.

This is very bizarre, what age would this person be now if still alive? Was it a parent? I'm sorry but I'd be brutal with DH and tell him it has to stop.

but I do feel at times as though the loss is "the" defining event in his life, not meeting me, or having his children, or achieving career success. And that does cast a shadow

Does your partner know this??

@derxa that's quiet a reaction. The bottom line is that OPs Dh is not OK. His and his families behaviour is not OK and it needs to dramatically change in the very near future.

An invitation to a funeral isn’t necessary. In fact it would be quite odd.

That's odd and wallowing. My Dad passed 25years back when I was 19 and it's not something I'll ever forget but that's over the top. To me, someone is fuelling this and keeping it going. Can you achieve some distance from them if so? It's not healthy. At all.

It's not normal OP. They really need to move on, it's possible to remember this person in a healthy way. At the moment they're being obsessive.

Also WTF about this being an Irish thing? I am Irish, living in Ireland and surrounded by Irish people and I don't know anyone who behaves like this. Yet another not so subtle dig at us on MN.

OP, counselling could be really helpful to get him to find more healthy ways of processing grief.

Not really anything to add. Agree that this is a very unhealthy family dynamic. Worryingly so.

If it is a bereavement by suicide OP, these people are amazing, and can support you. They might even be able to facilitate some kind of moving on for your DP at least.They can help with counselling too.
uksobs.org/