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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m a Mugg ! AIBU to think it was going to be different?

192 replies

Livelaughlovetoday · 05/04/2019 21:46

We allowed friends and family (a handful) to stay in our home for a few days at a time while we were away for a few months. I’ve returned to a number of things missing.

I want to avoid drip feeding but SIL agreed to let her family (14 people) stay in my home one weekend without my knowledge.

Since being home full details are emerging and I’m noticing more items missing in my home each day.

AIBU to have not considered that I was going to be taken for a fool?

OP posts:
Lunde · 07/04/2019 18:26

I would change the locks as you have no idea who has had access to your keys and whether copies have been made.

SunshineCake · 07/04/2019 18:30

OP, you're not a mug. You're a kind person who has had her generosity abused.

Angel75 · 07/04/2019 18:38

Police, like today.

TonTonMacoute · 07/04/2019 18:46

It is not confrontational to explain that your hospitality and kindness have been abused, and that none of your ILs will ever be granted access to your home in your absence again, no matter what the circumstances. They have shown that they cannot be trusted!

Dippypippy1980 · 07/04/2019 18:49

JUST thinking, your sil is your brothers sister, yes?

So when you say her family, it must be her husband’s family? Are these the people who you think robbed your home?

avidlounger · 07/04/2019 19:12

I don't think I've spotted anyone mentioning this yet when I've RTFT - I would go to the police regardless because of any potential for fraud. If your SIL lets out your house to random people who take or break your things, there's no guarantee you haven't been frauded or potential for fraud in the future. You may have a box of bank statements or anything which can easily be missed out if post or other documents go that are not your "only one".

If you're in the UK - Google CIFAS and consider joining them. It may sound a bit drastic I appreciate, but it also isn't clear how far you may be taken advantage of. Having been burgled recently, I had to deal with this and make sure I was covered.

Mojitomogul · 07/04/2019 19:12

I would be sending a message saying 'We will be checking the footage from our nanny cams in the house so we can find out exactly how these items went missing.'

Xenadog · 07/04/2019 19:27

OP, keep the used mugs and then give them to SIL for her birthday. Other than that have nothing to do with the silly cow again. You have your keys back but I think I would still change the locks answer you never know if CF SIL has copied them

Your MIL obviously feels guilty about it all and so she should. She gave your SIL the keys. You say you have been generous with the family in the past, I would now ensure you are as tight as can be as they deserve nothing better.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 07/04/2019 19:39

Angry this is dreadful!! Agree you might need a crime number re potential fraud. I wouldn’t be letting anyone stay there again, peace offering or no. I’d also (petty) not say locks are changed then if they turn up with cut keys it will be tough.

Second hand mugs!! She is a gobshite!!

Jaxhog · 07/04/2019 19:43

It sounds like your SiL is a CF. It doesn't matter whether she stole your items, or one of her 'guests' did. It was on her watch, so she is responsible. Your generous nature has been royally abused by SiL. Never let her (or anyone else) use your home whilst away again. Trust abused is trust lost.

Glad to hear you have changed the locks and your MiL has at least replaced some of the items.

BestestBrownies · 07/04/2019 19:46

avidlounger has made an excellent point upthread re protecting yourself against future/potential fraud if they've been through your bank statements or stolen any letters with your names and address on. If you are unaware exactly who has had access to your house, then you are unaware of exactly what they may have seen/taken copies/photos of, which is truly frightening.

OP, you are not a mug, drippy or passive (or any of the other horrible things you have been called on this thread), or IN ANY WAY deserving of the treatment you have received as a victim of this disgusting behaviour at the hands of trusted family. I understand you must be in awful shock at the moment, but you really MUST go to the police so you have evidence of burglary if you are defrauded.

PLEASE don't let this horrible situation get any worse for you. Your SIL gives NOT ONE FUCK about you or your DH, so don't feel sorry for her. She deserves a bloody good talking to from the police at the very least.

CoraPirbright · 07/04/2019 19:49

Still cant quite believe she charged her guests money!! That is cheeky as fuck.

Raspberry10 · 07/04/2019 19:57

@avidlounger makes an excellent point. We let SIL (who has always been dodgy) stay for a few days as a favour, because she was desperate. I caught her going through our post on the pretence ‘she didn’t know our address, so didn’t know where she was’ Hmm. Shit loads of fraud was them done in our names over the following months. Couldn’t prove a thing, but I am 99% sure it was her. Put an alert on your credit accounts for the next few months.

Sorry you are going through this Flowers

whyamievenamazeddotcom · 07/04/2019 19:58

Change the locks or get the keys back was your SIL or MIL staying with this group at the same time ?

Stargazer888 · 07/04/2019 19:59

Go to the police. Tell everyone you know who had access you are going to the police since you have been robbed and that the police will be contacting them. Do not enable sil. She could have taken the air bnb listing down. This is not ok. Your dh needs to get on board as well. It's appalling he's letting this go.

UmBankroll · 07/04/2019 20:15

OP I’m so sorry this has happened to you; your in-laws have massively overstepped the boundaries of what is even remotely reasonable, and then SIL has added insult to injury with her underhanded ‘gifting’ of used mugs. That’s just plain spiteful.

Unfortunately I can relate as my in-laws did similar to us 3 years ago. We travelled for a month and left a key with them IN CASE OF EMERGENCY... little did we know they would move in for the majority of the time we were away!! MIL, 3 SILs and 2 BILs all crammed into the 3 bedroom apartment we had at the time. They have their own 6-bedroom house that they all live in together, but it’s outside of the city. We came back to find crockery, blankets, board games, video games, clothes, shoes & jewellery missing... DH mentioned it to his DM and she casually replied “yes we took them” Shock And not only that, but one of my SILs had taken my car keys and been driving around in my car for the entire time! I only found out because she racked up a number of speeding fines on my car while we were away, DH went ballistic at all of them, and she owned up. They all have their own cars anyway, so she had absolutely no reason to be using mine other than that it is considered a slightly nicer model than hers! She also left makeup stains on the steering wheel, driving seat and vanity mirror in the car.

We handled it by massively distancing ourselves from them and never, ever entrusting them with access to our property or cars again. They returned most of the missing items, and SIL paid the speeding fines back to us in instalments as well as paying for a professional cleaning of my car. Sadly it has forever tarred our relationship as we will never be able to fully trust them again, even though they acknowledged that what they did was wrong.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/04/2019 20:22

SIL took money from the 14 guests to pay towards their stay. SIL said she had something to give me from everyone that stayed there. I was given a set of used mugs

Oh dear - it's like Mexican House Thief, only worse

Since this appears to be your DH's sister (?) why isn't he taking more of a role in sorting it out? And do you think the fact you're "better off than the in laws" has something to do with it, as in "the b**gers can afford it"?

Tinkobell · 07/04/2019 20:22

I'd offer a return of goods or refund amnesty of 48 hours OP. So, it works like this.....you make a list of all missing items and their replacement value. You send the list to all 'house guests' and your SIL giving them 48 hours to return or refund any borrowed items. For people that do this, there will be no further action taken - matter closed. For any that fail to respond, you will hand over their names, addresses and details of when they stayed to the police; they risk a house visit and a record.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/04/2019 20:28

Why are so many suggesting the police? There's been no break in since family were given the keys, and though things were undoubtably stolen there's probably no way you can prove it

Because of the key handover the insurers wouldn't be interested either, even if they'd trashed the entire place

eggsandwich · 07/04/2019 20:32

I agree with poster who said why is your dh not vocal on this issue, I’m afraid to say he’s non confrontational is a cop out, they are his family why should you be made out to be the bad person here, he needs to pull his big boy pants up and let rip at his sister, if my dh sat back and watched me in the same situation I would quite frankly have very little respect for him.

Tell him its his time to shine and join forces with you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/04/2019 20:35

I think @Tinkobell's idea is a good one. Reporting to the police for a crime number against potential future fraud - if they were willing to steal an entire set of cutlery - who knows what papers they would have gone through.

You need to name and shame SIL on this one. Let her and everyone involved, who probably thought it was OK because of her attitude how seriously you are taking this.

List the people you know who stayed.
List the goods stolen
Put the word out about money charged for the stay without your permission. She should reimburse that money to you to cover the thefts.

  • a whole set of cutlery??? FFS?
You are not a mug. You are a decent person whose trust has been abused. You know where you stand with these cheeky Fs now. Make room for better people in your life who treat you well. My own DM used to let out our house without our knowledge to any relative who wanted it when we were away when we lived near an airport. A younger relative stole the brand new Christmas presents my husband gave me, my hairdryer, tongs and jewelry claiming "Oh it looked like you didn't use them." The only way I got them back, because initially she denied it and pretended to be outraged, was to ring around each and every relative who had contact with her, tell them what she'd done and ask them to call her and ask her to return the items. She had a very well paid job, and when I spoke to the other relatives, they all said she'd stolen from them as well. I never trusted her again.
NicoAndTheNiners · 07/04/2019 20:40

Wow, what does your husband/wife have to say about their sister?

HedgerowTree · 07/04/2019 20:55

Your MIL clearly wants to continue to benefit from you.

Although if it’s SIL don’t let her let MIL replace everything.
You need to send a message, not individual ones, but one to everyone in the 14 staying at your house.

You say you did not know they were staying, you did not give permission and you are aware they paid money but you received no money for this. You then list the items that were taken and tell them that you expect to hear by tomorrow who is returning these items or the moment value or you are going to the police or giving your insouciance company their names.

You might not go to the police, but tell them that.

NWQM · 07/04/2019 20:59

I'd be contacting your SiL and MiL to say that you will be going to the police unless you get an explanation. They dont seem to have said whether this is lots of people taking x each or if one person did it. You may be helping cover up something that has been ongoing.

Please consider reporting.

polarpig · 07/04/2019 21:01

Contact them with an email of what is missing and ask if they noticed any signs of a break in because you are going to report the burglary to the police.

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