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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m a Mugg ! AIBU to think it was going to be different?

192 replies

Livelaughlovetoday · 05/04/2019 21:46

We allowed friends and family (a handful) to stay in our home for a few days at a time while we were away for a few months. I’ve returned to a number of things missing.

I want to avoid drip feeding but SIL agreed to let her family (14 people) stay in my home one weekend without my knowledge.

Since being home full details are emerging and I’m noticing more items missing in my home each day.

AIBU to have not considered that I was going to be taken for a fool?

OP posts:
PineapplePatty · 06/04/2019 08:26

Who would steal a duvet?!

hipslikecinderella · 06/04/2019 08:36

I am wondering if the extended family/friends are from abroad and really needed those things?
However, the whole situation is horrible for you op, I'd be so upset.

Friedspamfritters · 06/04/2019 08:39

YANBU it wouldn't even occur yo me this would happen unless you let a 16 year old use your house. With a close, adult family member you should have been able to trust them in your home.

Scrumptiousbears · 06/04/2019 08:41

I am fuming for you OP. The CF and as for the money SIL took off them. I'd have it out with them and go NC if need be.

KooMoo · 06/04/2019 08:44

PineapplePatty
Q Who would steal a duvet
A A duvet thief

Blondebakingmumma · 06/04/2019 08:44

Considering your SIL has made money renting out your house, I wouldn’t be surprised if she took the items from your house and sold them hoping you’d be too shy to confront

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 06/04/2019 08:45

Who would steal a duvet?!

I’m assuming they got drunk and wrecked the stuff... hence the missing alcohol

But frankly who knows???

Peterpiperpickedwrong · 06/04/2019 08:50

Busy sending a WhatsApp to some people who stayed over.

Have you had any response?

As for MIL/SIL making out you are overreacting respond with what pp said

SIL has invited a few family over, she's sublet your home and pocketed the cash whilst you've been robbed and then gave you a few mugs.....what horrible people.

TowelNumber42 · 06/04/2019 08:53

To fuck SIL over I would make sure all the visitors know she pocketed the money for letting out your house. Let the CF think there's another way for them to get free stuff - to go after her to get their money back. They'll roast her without you having to be anywhere near it.

Hoppinggreen · 06/04/2019 08:58

Op, I don’t know if your posting style is representative of how you are in real life so apologies if I’m wrong but you sound really drippy and to be honest a bit pathetic. Instead of being disappointed and feeling let down you should be fucking furious. If you are that passive in real life arseholes will take advantage unfortunately. I wouldn’t be sending WhatsApp’s I would be going ballistic at SIL and anyone else (including DH) who did anything other than apologise profusely and offer me money and an assurance nothing like that would happen again
Nobody would dare do anything like that to me believe me because although I am generally nice and generous if anybody takes the piss they soon know about it
Toughen up OP, these people have behaved really badly but if yountake it lying down they will continue to do so.

recrudescence · 06/04/2019 09:20

you sound really drippy and to be honest a bit pathetic

I think that’s unkind and actually wrong. To me, the OP sounds sad and bewildered because she’s been turned over by a family member. I’d feel the same.

PineapplePatty · 06/04/2019 09:22

[grin]@a duvet thief

Hoppinggreen · 06/04/2019 09:28

I don’t mean to be unkind but these people have behaved really badly and being sad and bewildered isn’t going to stop them not giving a crap. They can’t respect her in any way or they wouldn’t have done it in the first place Im not victim blaming, OP has done nothing wrong but I wonder about the dynamic that makes Sil even consider that she could do this.
She needs to show them in no uncertain terms that she won’t be treated like this to prevent it happening again.

Original poster
Livelaughlovetoday · 06/04/2019 09:59

Hoppinggreen I think you are right.

I have tried to nurture relationships with people that clearly do not respect me. My husband and I are better off than most in our family and live generously. We believe we are in this position to be able to help others. Except we’ve enabled them to take take take and not even consider us. I’m feeling bewildered but me feeling like this isn’t going to change their position.

Haven’t sent the WhatsApp. Right now I can’t get my tone and wording down.

Going forward no one will have access to our home when we are away.

As for the stuff taken, value is greater than 1k but won’t claim on insurance. Never again.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 06/04/2019 10:55

Why would you want to get my tone and wording down.

You are allowed to express anger. You are allowed to make them feel shit. If they kick off it isn't your fault. If they kick off it does not matter one jot. If people / they think you were rude about it, that's OK.

The goal here should be for them to be really quite fucking scared of taking the piss out of you like this again. If they are bitching and screaming then you are doing it right.

Throw a fucking bomb. Then refuse all contact. That includes not letting your DH throw you under a bus. They must know that you are raging and you raging means they'll suffer.

TowelNumber42 · 06/04/2019 10:57

Are you afraid of them being angry with you for standing up to them?

Are you afraid your DH will sacrifice you to appease them thus showing up a huge crack in your relationship? Is that why you are doormatting?

Cashew19 · 06/04/2019 11:57

I think you are getting a really hard time, here OP. People are understandably raging on your behalf and just want you to not let them ‘get away’ with it. If it were me, I’d have gone ballistic at them and I would definitely be expecting my husband to have a lot to say to them. But I can understand why you would be reluctant to start all-out war with your husband’s immediate family.

At the very least, you have learned a lesson and, hopefully, the consequences for them are that you will be considerably less generous with them in the future, so they lose out long term. They don’t deserve your kindness, they are total arseholes to go on the defensive and not even have the shame and grace to apologise, let alone do what they did to start with. But if you can’t bring yourself to confront them, please please at least insist your husband stands with you on this and deals with them. His lack of support on this is more concerning.

CaptSkippy · 06/04/2019 12:04

If you won't contact the police about this, I would simply not talk to your SIL en MIL again. It does not matter how much money you have. This is theft, plain and simple. Plus, they are treating you like dirt. It's not worth staying in contact with them.

Clutterbugsmum · 06/04/2019 12:29

Don't tone down your language you are allowed to be very annoyed. These are people you are supposed to be able to trust.

I would also make it very clear that NO ONE from those people who stayed at your house and those WHO knew that SIL was doing this are no longer welcome as FAMILY do steal from other family members.

I suspect that you DH is non-confrontational is because he has learnt that MIL and SIL are the 'boss' and what they say goes and he feeling are not important.

Clutterbugsmum · 06/04/2019 12:31

You are allowed to make them feel shit. If they kick off it isn't your fault. Just remind them that YOU had your HOME invaded, and had belonging STOLEN from, so they can just wind there necks in and replace anything they stole from you.

eddielizzard · 06/04/2019 12:33

Your SIL is an arsehole. I would stop nurturing anything with her and send her the list of missing items and tell her to reimburse you. I'd return the used mugs. Tell her that you're furious she took advantage and used your house without your permission. Tell her you know she charged her friends and what they've done and that she's responsible.

V sad that your DH can't stand up to her.

Crankybitch · 06/04/2019 12:53

Given your SIL got money from people send her a bill saying you want the money for everything that was stolen especially since you didn’t receive a penny for people having your house used in such a way. Copy everyone that stayed in your house

Hopoindown31 · 06/04/2019 13:27

You need to get your DH to grow a backbone and lay down the law. Without his support in this it is clear that SIL is prepared to put up with your anger as she knows dear brother isn't in your corner.

My DP would be raging if his family did this to our home. I wouldn't need to have said or done anything I'm sure.

SenoritaViva · 06/04/2019 13:39

They have behaved appallingly. I would not speak to them again unless they made huge efforts to rectify the situation (not just value of goods but respect and kindness) and I would never trust them again.

I'd be tempted to send a picture of the second hand mugs saying 'you clearly take me for one of these', then I'd smash the mugs and send a picture saying 'this is what you're actions have done to our relationship'.
Then I'd block the cheeky fuckers.

CoraPirbright · 06/04/2019 13:57

I think you should send Ace’s response from near the beginning of this thread. It is very firm, clear about the missing items plus has the benefit of dropping your horrible, avaricious SIL right in it by alerting them to the fact that you had not discussed payment and she has pocketed their cash.