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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dsd and wedding.

191 replies

Friendabc · 05/04/2019 19:35

Hello
Maybe I am bu I don't know.
I'm getting married soon, a very small intimate destination wedding.
My 2 dds are bridesmaids. Dsd was asked but declined, all fine.
I have bought the bridesmaids dresses.

Now here's the issue.
Dsd asked her dad about colours and what preference I had so that she could sort out a dress.
I told him (or thought I did) any colour but x.
Let's say my bridesmaids are pink, so I said any colour but pink, baring in mind she had the choice to be a bridesmaid and wear a pink dress.

Dsd is an adult my dds are very similar age but younger.

Now dad has sent dp and image of the dress she wants to wear.
Guess what?
It's the exact same colour and virtually the same style.
It's a different material but same length, neckline and colour!!

My reaction to dp was, no I told you not that colour and it's the same style so no.
She will look too ott.
It's a simple wedding on a beach, not a big lavish ceremony.
Dp says I told him to tell her to choose that colour!
Why would I do that?
I told him to tell her no, any colour but that.
I also reminded him that he had seen the dresses.
He swears he hasnt!
He's messaged her and apparently she wants that dress.
My response was no.
So what does he do, tells her to do what average likes and buy the dress.

Am I over reacting?
Is this ok?
We are paying for her to come and dp had assumed she would help out with a small detail at the ceremony which would save us money. Baring in mind that her entire holiday is being paid for by us.
That's another issue.

The bizzare thing is she hardly ever wears anything like this at all.
My dds are much more girly.
I'm not having a dig at her but I am very annoyed that she won't do us the one small favour on the day and this has missed me off.

Aibu?

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 06/04/2019 05:47

Yabu for marrying someone who is so unfair towards your DC.

fargo123 · 06/04/2019 06:21

If I was your DC I'd refuse to go to the wedding and I'd go NC with you. The absolute favouritism being shown to the step kids is disgusting. Your partner is treating your kids like second class citizens and you're standing by and letting that happen.

Either you pay for all the kids to go, or you don't pay for any, and if that means SD misses out on the wedding then so be it. That's a consequence of her being too lazy to earn her own money.

llangennith · 06/04/2019 07:09

I commented much earlier on this thread but as more and more details have emerged I'm beginning to wonder why on earth Friendabc is even thinking of marrying such a horrible man.

RhiWrites · 06/04/2019 07:23

Are you sure you want to marry a man who insists on paying for his kids while yours pay for themselves or don’t come? Who doesn’t pass on messages or misrembers them, refuses to pay for photos because his DD will do them but doesn’t arrange this with her?

Seems to be a lot of issues with DP here.

Lweji · 06/04/2019 08:25

I caught up again with the thread very late last night and had missed some more recent posts before posting, but even then when I got all the updates, I started thinking along the same lines as pps this morning.

Are you sure you want to marry this man?
This is the main thing you should be looking at.

Plus, if you're on a destination wedding, are you sure it will be valid in the UK?
You don't want to be caught out in a situation where it turns out it wasn't legal in the UK and you're never actually married.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 06/04/2019 08:26

I had a destination wedding. We paid for everyone’s accommodation and flights for my bridesmaid and page.

Destination weddings should never be confused with cheapy weddings. Shoving the expense onto your guests so that it’s cheap for you is unacceptable.

A cheap wedding is a registery office affair followed by lunch in the local pub. That you pay for.

Friendabc · 06/04/2019 08:57

Thank you for all the replies.
After stewing in the whole wider issue last night myself and dp ha e spoken.
The dress is fine, I've told dsd this.
Agree about the photos. I'm not a photographer and neither is dp but I've taken on board all the comments and yes it would be too much pressure on dsd to be responsible for that on the day.
We have decided that we will pay for every one .
We did consult guests over the choice of accommodation which is booked and we have chosen a venue which we hope will have something for everyone rather than a total 'honeymoon' venue iyswim.
It's too late to cancel the destination and we do want to do it abroard.

We have also spoken about paying for everyone and have agreed we cannot discriminate between dcs. Tbf dp has stopped paying for as much when we see dsds. When we first met he would take them out every week and pay for everything including expensive drinks/food e.g. In the cinema.
I don't do this. I take dd2 a drink bought cheaper from another shop.
Now these trips have stopped because if my 2 eldest don't go then I think dp has realised it not fair to take dsds either.

Dp apologised to me.
It's actually bizzare/weird/funny that she has chosen such a similar dress. The colour is not pink btw, it's a more unusual colour and none of the dcs have anything in their wardrobe that colour so there you go.

Once again thank you for the replies it's not easy being a blended family and we have taken a look at ourselves so thank you.

OP posts:
RaffertyFair · 06/04/2019 10:19

Flowers sounds like you have really thought things through and talked!
Good luck I hope all goes smoothly from here on.

Friendabc · 06/04/2019 12:07

Thank you Raffety.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/04/2019 12:16

Really, though, as soon as you agreed to have them all at your wedding, you should have changed the location of the wedding to somewhere local and gone to the other place for a honeymoon. You could then have afforded to buy them all outfits and a nice meal and then you could have gone off on holiday.

llangennith · 06/04/2019 12:52

Thanks for the update OP. Glad it's working out for you.

Italiangreyhound · 06/04/2019 13:10

Glad things are sorted.

Enjoy your day. Smile

IHateUncleJamie · 06/04/2019 17:15

That’s really good, @friendabc 👍 Hope everyone enjoys the wedding. Cake

OldAndWornOut · 06/04/2019 19:11

Best wishes for a really happy day. Smile

Timewarpdancer · 06/04/2019 20:07

It sounds like you have taken a lot on board and best wishes for your day.
One thing confuses me a bit from your update, if your children don’t go to the cinema then his dc don’t get to go because it’s not fair on your children. Can his children not just have time with him on their own

ScarletBitch · 06/04/2019 20:27

Yes why should any of your family pay to go to your wedding abroad?

You sound like a bitter SM.

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