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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsd and wedding.

191 replies

Friendabc · 05/04/2019 19:35

Hello
Maybe I am bu I don't know.
I'm getting married soon, a very small intimate destination wedding.
My 2 dds are bridesmaids. Dsd was asked but declined, all fine.
I have bought the bridesmaids dresses.

Now here's the issue.
Dsd asked her dad about colours and what preference I had so that she could sort out a dress.
I told him (or thought I did) any colour but x.
Let's say my bridesmaids are pink, so I said any colour but pink, baring in mind she had the choice to be a bridesmaid and wear a pink dress.

Dsd is an adult my dds are very similar age but younger.

Now dad has sent dp and image of the dress she wants to wear.
Guess what?
It's the exact same colour and virtually the same style.
It's a different material but same length, neckline and colour!!

My reaction to dp was, no I told you not that colour and it's the same style so no.
She will look too ott.
It's a simple wedding on a beach, not a big lavish ceremony.
Dp says I told him to tell her to choose that colour!
Why would I do that?
I told him to tell her no, any colour but that.
I also reminded him that he had seen the dresses.
He swears he hasnt!
He's messaged her and apparently she wants that dress.
My response was no.
So what does he do, tells her to do what average likes and buy the dress.

Am I over reacting?
Is this ok?
We are paying for her to come and dp had assumed she would help out with a small detail at the ceremony which would save us money. Baring in mind that her entire holiday is being paid for by us.
That's another issue.

The bizzare thing is she hardly ever wears anything like this at all.
My dds are much more girly.
I'm not having a dig at her but I am very annoyed that she won't do us the one small favour on the day and this has missed me off.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 05/04/2019 19:57

So really the main issue should be that you aren’t paying for one of your daughters.

The dress is a total non issue.

PurpleDaisies · 05/04/2019 19:58

Dd1 has kicked up a stink because why should she pay (she works very hard) when her older dss is not contributing a single penny.

It doesn’t sound like you have a very happy family dynamic. What difference does it make to your dd1 who pays? Who expects children to pay to attend their parent’s wedding? Confused

Gruzinkerbell1 · 05/04/2019 19:58

You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

YABVU to make one daughter pay while the other two don’t have to. If I was your daughter I’d be refusing to attend.

Original poster
Friendabc · 05/04/2019 19:59

Well I suppose the fact she doesn't work is an issue.
She has never, ever had a job not even a Saturday job.
Her dad is not happy about that.
Yes it is a sticky point.
I also have a son, 2 years younger and dp had insisted that he pays towards the holiday.
My dd1 has always worked, even when at uni, so yes I am peeved that a 23 year old isn't offering anything at all towards it.
We had asked her to take the photos.
Apparently she is very good at photography and has an expensive camera.
Nobody else has a camera!
My phone is crap!
She has refused.
I had it out with dp that I was disappointed and that there is no way he would tolerate my son behaving like this, no way.
Sorry for the extra info.
It's fine for her to wear what ever she wants.
She can turn up carrying flowers for all I care but her dad said to me he isn't paying the fee quoted for the photos and insisted that dsd would do them.
Now she has said no.
Again fair enough but we thought it would be a nice guesture.

OP posts:
ladybee28 · 05/04/2019 20:00

This honestly sounds like a man-ears miscommunication.

Your DP says: 'what colour?'

You say 'any colour but pink'

The only word in that sentence that's a colour is 'pink', so your DP hears 'pink', tells her 'pink', she buys a pink dress and you lose your shit.

Reminds me of that joke about a man coming home from the supermarket, having been sent by his wife to pick up a few things for a dinner party.

He bursts through the door, triumphantly carrying bags and bags and bags of lemons.

Wife says "WTF are all those lemons for?"

He says: "You told me to get them"

Wife says "But why so many?"

Husband: "You told me to pick up 89 lemons!"

Wife: "8 OR 9 lemons! 8 OR 9! What recipe would I be cooking that requires 89 lemons?"

Husband: "What recipe are you using that gives you a vague estimate instead of an actual number?!"

Kills me laughing every time Grin

Original poster
Friendabc · 05/04/2019 20:00

Also no, other guests are paying for themselves as weren't dd1 and d's until they found out that dsd would not be paying for her holiday.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 05/04/2019 20:00

I think it depends on her reasoning. If she's doing it to spite you, I would change the bridesmaid dresses and not say anything. If she really wants to be included, I would let her get the dress.

In fact, if she DOES want to be included, can you not just re-offer the original dress?

And I would also suggest you pay for all DDs. Otherwise, that really isn't fair and will cause resentment.

PurpleDaisies · 05/04/2019 20:00

You want to use her for cheap labour as a photographer instead of letting her be part of the wedding?

Lifeisabeach09 · 05/04/2019 20:00

Don't sweat the small stuff.
Wearing the same colour/ style means she will feel part of the ceremony without having to be a bridesmaid.

happymum12345 · 05/04/2019 20:01

Weddings can bring out stress in all sorts of ways. You will have a wonderful time, regardless of what anyone is wearing. Don't give it another moments thought and have a wonderful day!

Bankofenglandfiver · 05/04/2019 20:01

I took the photos at my brother’s wedding. I’m a very keen amateur, and quite good (if I do say so myself).

It totally ruined the day for me. I didn’t get to enjoy it for taking photos and I swore I would never ever do it for anyone again, unless I was getting paid.

It made me feel like a tradesman at the wedding, not a guest.

Timewarpdancer · 05/04/2019 20:01

Pay for all of them to go.you don’t like her very much do you?

HeckyPeck · 05/04/2019 20:01

I also have a son, 2 years younger and dp had insisted that he pays towards the holiday.

Your DP is sounding like an arse.

Lweji · 05/04/2019 20:01

We had asked her to take the photos.

You're joking?
Do you not realise that she won't really be able to enjoy the ceremony or BE IN THE PHOTOS?

Nicknacky · 05/04/2019 20:02

So she also has to take the photos and not just enjoy the wedding?

I don’t blame her saying no. Just pay the photographer

RUOKHUN · 05/04/2019 20:02

OP you come across as very unpleasant.

PinaColadaPlease · 05/04/2019 20:02

You're treating the children differently which I think will cause resentment.

You asked DSD to be bridesmaid, she said no but will look like one anyway, where's the problem?

YABU

Bankofenglandfiver · 05/04/2019 20:03

I have not one photo of me at my brothers wedding. I have everyone else in groups. And I am not in any.

My mum died shortly after and every other member of the family has a nice pic. I don’t.

I’d never ever do it again. It sucks.

lyralalala · 05/04/2019 20:03

Asking her to do your wedding photos isn't a small thing.

It's a huge amount of pressure to be the photographer for an important event.

Also "Apparently she is very good at photography" sounds like you have no idea what kind of photography she is good at. There's a huge difference between someone who is a great landscape photographer and a portrait photographer.

Whocansay · 05/04/2019 20:04

I have just seen your update. I would cancel the wedding altogether. I wouldn't marry anyone who would treat my children like second class citizens. He can fuck off.

And it does sound like his DD is doing it to spite you. And he's letting her.

ChicCroissant · 05/04/2019 20:04

It comes across very strongly that you don't like your SD, OP! If your DH told her to get a pink dress, that's what she has done - it's not her fault that her dad gave her the wrong info.

If she takes the photos she won't be in any! Or was that your plan?

How many photos did you want, because to take a lot is quite a job IMO - not really a small details.

I would pay for all the children, not their fault you've picked a wedding abroad.

PinaColadaPlease · 05/04/2019 20:04

I was asked to take the photos at a friends wedding once. Worst job ever!

LuYu · 05/04/2019 20:04

I feel bad for the kids in this situation. It sounds like a toxic dynamic: DP wanting your DS to pay towards attending his mother's wedding, DD1 paying but DD2 getting it free (?), DSD who is a focal point of much disapproval and resentment on your part. It sounds like there's a mutual need between you and DP to keep each other's kids from 'taking advantage', which is very sad when it's their own parent's wedding.

If you can't afford to bring all of your kids, of whatever age and employment status, on your destination wedding, then you've picked the wrong destination. They're your children, not outlying family members or freeloaders.

Isth · 05/04/2019 20:05

Are you honestly old enough to get married, let alone have adult children?! This is pathetic.

  1. Who cares what she wears? So what if people think she’s a bridesmaid? She’s your dps dd so hardly odd
  2. Don’t have a destination wedding then make your children pay to attend. No idea what you were thinking there!
  3. Are you taking he piss with the photos?! So she can’t enjoy herself at all as she’ll need to be ‘working’ nor will she be in the photos as she’ll be taking them.

You are beyond unreasonable.

RaffertyFair · 05/04/2019 20:07

What a weird and unpleasant sounding family dynamic

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