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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsd and wedding.

191 replies

Friendabc · 05/04/2019 19:35

Hello
Maybe I am bu I don't know.
I'm getting married soon, a very small intimate destination wedding.
My 2 dds are bridesmaids. Dsd was asked but declined, all fine.
I have bought the bridesmaids dresses.

Now here's the issue.
Dsd asked her dad about colours and what preference I had so that she could sort out a dress.
I told him (or thought I did) any colour but x.
Let's say my bridesmaids are pink, so I said any colour but pink, baring in mind she had the choice to be a bridesmaid and wear a pink dress.

Dsd is an adult my dds are very similar age but younger.

Now dad has sent dp and image of the dress she wants to wear.
Guess what?
It's the exact same colour and virtually the same style.
It's a different material but same length, neckline and colour!!

My reaction to dp was, no I told you not that colour and it's the same style so no.
She will look too ott.
It's a simple wedding on a beach, not a big lavish ceremony.
Dp says I told him to tell her to choose that colour!
Why would I do that?
I told him to tell her no, any colour but that.
I also reminded him that he had seen the dresses.
He swears he hasnt!
He's messaged her and apparently she wants that dress.
My response was no.
So what does he do, tells her to do what average likes and buy the dress.

Am I over reacting?
Is this ok?
We are paying for her to come and dp had assumed she would help out with a small detail at the ceremony which would save us money. Baring in mind that her entire holiday is being paid for by us.
That's another issue.

The bizzare thing is she hardly ever wears anything like this at all.
My dds are much more girly.
I'm not having a dig at her but I am very annoyed that she won't do us the one small favour on the day and this has missed me off.

Aibu?

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 05/04/2019 21:52

I think YABU but you husband is too. Sounds like competitive resentment on each side. I'd be pissed off too but only because of the discrepancies between how the kids are being treated. Is that actually why you're pissed off? Because that I get and I would be too. I don't like the sound of your DP tbh.

stuffedpeppers · 05/04/2019 22:16

It is not a holiday - it is her fathers wedding. AM sure oyur daughters are being paid for by their parents - so why shouldn't she.

Sorry your DP told her the colour - not her fault.

You sound bitter and resent her

MyKingdomForBrie · 05/04/2019 22:45

I can't actually believe you're marrying a man who thinks it's ok to pay for his kids while telling you that you will not be paying for yours, who criticises your son for not paying (even though he is paying) whilst his daughters are both not paying??

I mean you shouldn't be having a destination wedding if you can't afford to take your kids (aka you should have changed plans when you decided they could come to your wedding after all and kept the destination for the honeymoon) but that's not the point - he tells you how to treat your children (badly) while having different rules for his own. That's not acceptable.

Original poster
Friendabc · 05/04/2019 22:53

Hmm
Well the most recent destination wedding I know of ALL guests including children paid entirely for themselves.
Another couple did not invite the dc, they went alone and only had that one wedding. No issues with either relationship between parents and dc either.

So not totally unusual to either not invite or expect dc to pay.
Each to their own.

I suppose the issue I have is that dsd never pays for anything, ever.
That's her mother's choice because that is where she lives.

The issue I had was dp telling dsd1 that She can do as she likes.
I think that's what missed me off whereas I don't parent like that.

If you want to be treated like an adult then you act like one and that includes supporting yourself.
I

I've spoken to dp and he has apologised even though I've said it's fine about the dress, totally a non issue now.
The issue I have is his attitude to dsd.
He needs to say no to her more than he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Friendabc · 05/04/2019 22:59

carol and myking
Yes you are correct.
I had this conversation with dp earlier.
I've told him that I'm not accepting this unequal treatment.

I think that's why I reacted the way I did earlier.
Dp knows I'm annoyed at the inequality.

Also the fact he said to her to go right ahead even though I had said no.

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 05/04/2019 23:04

I think the issue is actually between you and your DP.

He expects his dd to take your wedding photos.
He expects your DS and your DD1 to pay to attend your wedding.

He won’t pay for a photographer.

His behaviour and the differing ways he treats your joint children is surely more of an issue than your DSD and a dress, isn’t it?

And your comment about “wanting to be treated like an adult” and supporting yourself shouldn’t equal making your children pay to attend your wedding. Confused

GunpowderGelatine · 05/04/2019 23:09

Hmm. I never thought people actually have a crap about what colours people wore to weddings. Except in American movies maybe

I wouldn't buy a new dress either TBH. Especially if she's not a "girly" person it would have been hard enough finding that one dress! And FWIW, you aren't "paying for her holiday", she's only going because YOU and her dad are getting married. Hardly a holiday of choice is it! I like to think any decent person who could afford it would absolutely pay to ensure their child was at their wedding if it would otherwise be expensive.

And honestly I think it's tight and mean to expect her to play photographer. That takes a lot of prep, skill and takes you away from the day, not to mention it's lots of pressure on her. I'm not surprised she said no

lyralalala · 05/04/2019 23:24

Well the most recent destination wedding I know of ALL guests including children paid entirely for themselves.

That only works if all of the children involved are working and can afford it. As soon as one is too young/at college then that starts with an unfairness, then add in one not working/single parent/gambling addict that can't afford it and it all goes tits up.

It needs to be ALL of them - paid for or paying for themselves.

martinidry · 05/04/2019 23:42

You're not paying for your stepdaughter to go on holiday.
You, and presumably your partner too, are paying for your stepdaughter to see her father get married.
You sound like you're trying to make yourself into Mrs Generous-Bountiful when in reality you'd be unlikely to pay for your stepdaughter to go on a real holiday. By making it look like something that isn't you give me the impression that you resent her.

Original poster
Friendabc · 06/04/2019 00:09

martini read the thread. Dp paid for both his adult dd to come on holiday with us before, when I couldn't afford to pay for my eldest 2 to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
Friendabc · 06/04/2019 00:12

Just to be clear this is not the only thing that dp pays for.
She does not have an income.
Every time we go anywhere dp and I pay, Every time and she does not offer to have a cheap option.
People in here post endlessly about not liking splitting the bill etc etc.
Well imagine having to pay the entire bill, Every time and no my 2 eldest done do this because they were brought up not to be like that.

OP posts:
martinidry · 06/04/2019 00:19

So It sounds as if you do resent her!
I read the thread. You said that previously your partner paid for his daughter to attend a holiday while you couldn't afford to pay for your own children. You seem angry about it but such is life! Some people can afford, some can't.

My point is that this time abroad is not a holiday. Cut some slack, enjoy your wedding and stop sweating the small stuff would be my advice.

callmeadoctor · 06/04/2019 00:29

Just get married in this country, problem solved!

AutumnCrow · 06/04/2019 00:33

I don't think this dynamic is sustainable.

Have you posted about it before? It seems familiar, with a couple of details changed. It always turns out the DP's a knob and everyone says don't get married.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 06/04/2019 01:05

Friend I can't help but see this level of unequal treatment between respective DC becoming a ticking time-bomb down the road. It is now, actually. I would strongly encourage you to have a really serious talk about how your finances will be once married, and how you plan to treat each other's DC, as well as your own, once a blended family.

I'd be livid if my DH treated my DC as differently as he does yours. Not sure how you can handle this now, but I suggest you have a good think about it before your wedding.

Of course, you may be just fine with this, and in that case I wish you happiness and send you Flowers

Chocmallows · 06/04/2019 01:14

I would postpone for 1-2 years and see how things go financially - if things become more balanced.

If not I would never marry and it would make me feel resentful to the point of ending things.

Tavannach · 06/04/2019 01:31

It may be that's she's worried you'll be critical, and disappointed by her photographs, and that would be hard to take from her dad's new wife especially if photography's her thing.
And if photography is her thing perhaps she should consider a degree in it.

lyralalala · 06/04/2019 01:34

It sounds like you have separate incomes, and his is larger, is that going to change when you get married?

Lweji · 06/04/2019 02:08

And stop calling it a holiday.
It's your wedding. Not their holiday.
It's bad enough that people have destination weddings and expect people to attend. It's poor form not to pay for your own children and parents, btw, if you really want them there. It's even worse to expect them to perform services like taking the photos.

If you really want to save money, then have the same small wedding near home. Pay for a photographer.

I just hope the destination is not Maui.

HopefulAgain10 · 06/04/2019 04:15

I think you need get over yourself. Shes an adult. You have adult children, it's not like you are a young first time bride. Surely you should be more mature than that. Are you really going to cause upset over a colour?
So what if anyone notices the color is the same? Quite honestly I odnt think people would give a shit.

FenellaMaxwell · 06/04/2019 04:44

I can’t believe you’re going to marry someone who views your children as second class citizens. No doubt we’ll see them on stately homes in a few years.

Namechangedforbabyname · 06/04/2019 05:03

None of your children should be paying if some of them aren't. That's totally unfair or you to choose a destination wedding and expect half of your kids to pay and half not.

I understand her not wanting to take photos as being photographer is a very important job. She won't be able to let her hair down and enjoy the day! She can't have a drink, a dance etc. She doesn't want to be working at her dad's wedding!

I think you're being unreasonable about the dress. Who cares if she looks like a bridesmaid? You wanted her to be a bridesmaid anyway! And it's your (STB) husband's fault, not hers.

Namechangedforbabyname · 06/04/2019 05:06

Also I think it's VVVVVVVV unreasonable to get married and not invite your children. My 'D'M and SF did this and we were so hurt and disappointed that they didn't want to share their special day with us. It's just quite unkind.

AceOfSpades123 · 06/04/2019 05:10

You have a DP problem not a DSD problem. I think this whole thing brings out a not pleasant side of him. He’s the issue and I’d strongly advise to take a breath and look at his behaviour in all of this. He’s not listened to you, listened and disregarded and just done as he wanted. Doesn’t really set a hopeful example for the future does it.
Are you letting this destination wedding distract from the truth that your DP sounds like a bit of an arse? Are you really sure you want to marry this man and take on his lack of respect/listening and his odd/passive aggressive DSD? That’s why she’s done the dress thing. It’s passive aggressive and you’ve totally risen to the bait. My Dsis did this exact thing to me at my wedding. Refused to be bridesmaid. Created a load of bridesmaid drama including crying and angst over it all. We all spent more time/energy on her will I/won’t I drama than I spent choosing my own dress for the day! she then turned up in a dress so short that it showed off her knickers everytime she bent over and she matched my colour scheme so everyone thought I’d put her in that awful looking dress and she got a huge amount of attention because of it on the day. Now decades later it’s a very amusing dinner party anecdote. Leave the DSD to do what she wants but I’d be rethinking the whole destination wedding idea if I was you.

TheSerenDipitY · 06/04/2019 05:29

if it were me, if i paid for one, id be paying for all of them, or it would be a sore point among them, one being favored over the others, that will fester and become a bit of a constant issue between them
and i think if all the girls are dressed in same or similar colours and the boys in same or similar colours it will look uniform and more "family" in the photos...
so id suggest you both pay for all the kids and forget about the money, just chill and think fuck it... or you are going to stress and eventually have a blow out and that will make this a huge drama filled day/week and you wont have any happy memories of the day and if thats the case whats the point.....

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