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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dsd and wedding.

191 replies

Friendabc · 05/04/2019 19:35

Hello
Maybe I am bu I don't know.
I'm getting married soon, a very small intimate destination wedding.
My 2 dds are bridesmaids. Dsd was asked but declined, all fine.
I have bought the bridesmaids dresses.

Now here's the issue.
Dsd asked her dad about colours and what preference I had so that she could sort out a dress.
I told him (or thought I did) any colour but x.
Let's say my bridesmaids are pink, so I said any colour but pink, baring in mind she had the choice to be a bridesmaid and wear a pink dress.

Dsd is an adult my dds are very similar age but younger.

Now dad has sent dp and image of the dress she wants to wear.
Guess what?
It's the exact same colour and virtually the same style.
It's a different material but same length, neckline and colour!!

My reaction to dp was, no I told you not that colour and it's the same style so no.
She will look too ott.
It's a simple wedding on a beach, not a big lavish ceremony.
Dp says I told him to tell her to choose that colour!
Why would I do that?
I told him to tell her no, any colour but that.
I also reminded him that he had seen the dresses.
He swears he hasnt!
He's messaged her and apparently she wants that dress.
My response was no.
So what does he do, tells her to do what average likes and buy the dress.

Am I over reacting?
Is this ok?
We are paying for her to come and dp had assumed she would help out with a small detail at the ceremony which would save us money. Baring in mind that her entire holiday is being paid for by us.
That's another issue.

The bizzare thing is she hardly ever wears anything like this at all.
My dds are much more girly.
I'm not having a dig at her but I am very annoyed that she won't do us the one small favour on the day and this has missed me off.

Aibu?

OP posts:
RaffertyFair · 05/04/2019 19:44

Soon and but ^^

Bankofenglandfiver · 05/04/2019 19:44

Yeah, who is paying for your DDs? Bet they’re getting a whole holiday out of it too?

Lweji · 05/04/2019 19:45

Bearing in mind that she's an adult, that you're too, that it's a small destination wedding, just stop dictating what she wears and making a fuss over it.

I'd never asked what anyone in a wedding party was wearing or what colours I was allowed, even when I was in that wedding party for my sibling.

Don't make this wedding ruin your relationship with your DSD.

Raspberrytruffle · 05/04/2019 19:45

I would just let it go OP for the sake of causing an argument, enjoy your day

BlackPrism · 05/04/2019 19:45

I'd just let her wear it. Does it matter That she's not a bridesmaid in a bMs dress if you invited her to be one?
Sounds like DH is an idiot and it's his fault tbh

Raspberrytruffle · 05/04/2019 19:47

My sil refused to be a bridesmaid but turned up in an identical dress to what bridesmaid were wearing complete with a bridal tiara! I just laughed and let it go as it was my day Grin

Friendabc · 05/04/2019 19:48

She is 23 and has never worked.
my dd2 is at college.
Dd1 has kicked up a stink because why should she pay (she works very hard) when her older dss is not contributing a single penny.

I'm not going to say anything.
Although I find it strange her asking what to wear. She just wears what she wants normally and doesn't follow others fashion wise.
But I'll take advice and just go with it.

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 05/04/2019 19:49

I think it's quite nice that she'll be in the same colours as your bridesmaids.
You're all family, after all.
Just concentrate on what is important, which is marrying the man you love.

DanglyBangly · 05/04/2019 19:49

Is this actually about the dress or is it that you think she’s doing it to ‘spite’ you or something? Do you generally get along?

TRULYNEWME2019 · 05/04/2019 19:49

Change your bridesmaids dress colour? Non issue with though but you clearly resent paying for her and probably you would rather she didn’t come. Are your daughters contributing anything?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/04/2019 19:49

She's a stealth bridesmaid, which is quite sweet actually. But you don't see it that way, which leads me to believe you resent her and don't think of her as a family member. Especially as your seem to be upset she's coming paid for.

amooomooo · 05/04/2019 19:50

It's essentially just a party with a few vows. I'm married myself so not anti marriage or anything but I'm baffled as to why a grown up could get worked up about this.

Bankofenglandfiver · 05/04/2019 19:50

What small detail did you want her to help out with?

If she isn’t working, how do you expect her to afford to come if her dad doesn’t pay?

LuYu · 05/04/2019 19:51

The dress thing sounds like a complete non-issue. What's the problem if she looks like, but isn't officially, a bridesmaid? Will this make her an under-the-counter off-the-books counterfeit bridesmaid, liable to be arrested by the wedding police?

Also, please don't make it sound that it's a favour that you and her father are paying for her to attend. That's an absolute given. What kind of self-absorbed parent would book a destination wedding which priced one of their kids out of coming, or left them out of pocket, at whatever age?

SinglePringle · 05/04/2019 19:51

Ah man, I think she feels wobbly about the marriage - even if she likes you and your DD’s, it’s her dad getting married. Be kind to her, she may be feeling insecure, even if you do everything to negate that.

She feels uncomfortable being a bridesmaid but wants to be part of the wedding party.

What’s the harm?

Be the bigger person / be nice.

And if it’s one up mans ship on her part, rise above it and be inclusive.

lyralalala · 05/04/2019 19:51

Dd1 has kicked up a stink because why should she pay (she works very hard) when her older dss is not contributing a single penny.

Her step-sister's finances are none of her business.

However, are you actually having a destination wedding and expecting your kids to pay for themselves? Surely if you've asked them to attend and asked them to be part of the bridal party then you are covering travel/accommodation for the three of them?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/04/2019 19:51

DSD isn't paying, DD1 is, DD2 isn't? Is that right?

Pay for them all to come if you can, otherwise no wonder there are resentments...

Rtmhwales · 05/04/2019 19:52

I don't think it's fair that you're paying for her to come but your other DD has to pay her own way. Can you afford to pay for all three women to come?

GinUnicorn · 05/04/2019 19:52

It sounds like she just wants to be part of it but doesn’t want to be at the front. I’d be inclined to let this one go. You are blending families and it’s always a little complicated. She is your partners daughter though and important so just try and focus on the positives she brings.

nutsfornutella · 05/04/2019 19:53

You're not paying for dd1 when it's abroad? Poor dd1

Aquamarine1029 · 05/04/2019 19:54

Like my grandpa used to say, "Is this really the hill you want to die on?"

Just let it go. It simply doesn't matter.

Bankofenglandfiver · 05/04/2019 19:54

Why are you having a destination wedding and not paying for all of your children to go?😱

RaffertyFair · 05/04/2019 19:54

Not paying for your dd1 is odd!

GucciDay · 05/04/2019 19:56

Let her wear what she wants and pay for all 3 to attend. I can't believe one is paying and 2 aren't.

Lweji · 05/04/2019 19:56

Dd1 has kicked up a stink because why should she pay (she works very hard) when her older dss is not contributing a single penny.

Yes, why is your DD1 having to pay if she's a bridesmaid and all?
It's not her fault you've chosen a destination wedding.
Just pay for her, FGS.

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