Dsd and wedding.

[Friendabc]

Hello
Maybe I am bu I don't know.
I'm getting married soon, a very small intimate destination wedding.
My 2 dds are bridesmaids. Dsd was asked but declined, all fine.
I have bought the bridesmaids dresses.

Now here's the issue.
Dsd asked her dad about colours and what preference I had so that she could sort out a dress.
I told him (or thought I did) any colour but x.
Let's say my bridesmaids are pink, so I said any colour but pink, baring in mind she had the choice to be a bridesmaid and wear a pink dress.

Dsd is an adult my dds are very similar age but younger.

Now dad has sent dp and image of the dress she wants to wear.
Guess what?
It's the exact same colour and virtually the same style.
It's a different material but same length, neckline and colour!!

My reaction to dp was, no I told you not that colour and it's the same style so no.
She will look too ott.
It's a simple wedding on a beach, not a big lavish ceremony.
Dp says I told him to tell her to choose that colour!
Why would I do that?
I told him to tell her no, any colour but that.
I also reminded him that he had seen the dresses.
He swears he hasnt!
He's messaged her and apparently she wants that dress.
My response was no.
So what does he do, tells her to do what average likes and buy the dress.

Am I over reacting?
Is this ok?
We are paying for her to come and dp had assumed she would help out with a small detail at the ceremony which would save us money. Baring in mind that her entire holiday is being paid for by us.
That's another issue.

The bizzare thing is she hardly ever wears anything like this at all.
My dds are much more girly.
I'm not having a dig at her but I am very annoyed that she won't do us the one small favour on the day and this has missed me off.

Aibu?

I don’t know I see OPs point she asked her to be a bridesmaid and DSD said no. Now DSD wants to wear a dress like the bridesmaids? I’d be mad too, it’s like DSD is playing games and DP is not helping. OTOH is could be a mis communication between dad and DSD?

Why did DSD say no to being a bridesmaid? What does seem out of order is half the kids are expected to pay and others not that seems unfair.

You chose to change the wedding when you invited everyone. You either need to stick to your original plan, get married locally or pay for everyone.

Which of your DD's asked you to change the plans?

You either pay for all of your children or none of them.

That’s the only fairest ways regardless of their financial situations.

Cancel this destination wedding and go for a nice friendly less costly one at home. I'd be seriously questioning your DP why he's subsiding his adult children especially one who refuses to work but is adamant yours pay their way.

He and the SD both sound awful. Why do you want to marry someone who is so vile to your DCs and has 2 free loaders living off you?

I really don’t think it’s your DSD’s fault at all. She has done what was asked, chosen a pink dress. Your DH is the one who’s in the wrong for obviously not listening to you and communicating the wrong thing to her. And on top of that, if she was the photographer, she wouldn’t be in any pictures herself and wouldn’t enjoy any of the day because she’d be stressing about taking photos. Being a photographer really isn’t a ‘small favour’

It all sounds horrid. I'd be gutted to be starting my married life like this. Aren't you?

Ps) I wouldn't give a fuck about the dress! Why does it matter?! She said no to being a bridesmaid so now you want to make sure she doesn't even accidentally look like one?

You love your own children best. Your partner loves his daughter best. Nothing strange in this. Maybe she refused to be a bridesmaid because she got the vibe from you that you didn't really want this. However a colour and style the same as bridesmaids seems ok. Will look co-ordinated on the photos and make your sd seem part of it all.

You say yourself it's 'a simple wedding on a beach not a lavish ceremony' Why shouldn't your sd wear the same colour as your daughter bridesmaids and feel part of it all.

Maybe when your dp sent the wrong message about colour she felt ...oh she wants me in the same colour as the bridesmaids. Maybe she is making a big effort to include me'

How awful if she now feels that your anger over her having the same colour dress as the bridesmaids clearly shows that you don't want her playing a significant part in the wedding.

Your request that she is photographer on the day seems a not very subtle way of excluding her from the wedding photos.

I think you should accept the colour and style of her dress with good grace for the sake of future harmony. Hope you have a good day.

Asking her to do the photos is basically saying fuck you I don’t want you in any photos.

Take a chill pill. It's just a dress. It's not white. Chill out.

OP, you will get the same old brigade on here who believe that step-children can do no wrong in any circumstances ever.

Your dsd-to-be has not yet bought this dress. She would be extremely unreasonable to buy it, if she is informed that you said "any colour but pink." Maybe your dp got it wrong and told her the wrong thing, but it shouldn't be too late for him to amend that, seeing as how she hasn't bought the damn thing yet!

Agree though that this all sounds a bit messed up. Your dcs don't seem to all be being treated the same way. Are they all totally on board with the marriage? If that's the case, do they have a point?

Seriously cancel the wedding. Don't get into the Sunk cost fallacy. See it as saving money on the divorce.

This is not her fault, nor is it your fiancé's fault. It is a misunderstanding. She is trying to be helpful. Don't create bad feeling. Why not contact her directly. Say the dress is lovely - in fact it is so lovely that it is very similar to the dresses you have chosen for the bridesmaids (include photo). You are happy for her to wear something so similar, but you are equally happy for her to choose something less similar if she doesn't want to look like your girls. In all honesty, it really doesn't matter if she gets confused with the bridesmaids and, in some ways, it might be rather nice if her outfit blends in well with the rest of the wedding party.

Asking her to do the photos is basically saying fuck you I don’t want you in any photos.

Bollocks it is.

You shouldn't have let your DD guilt you into inviting people. You and DH going away on your own was the best option. All of this is a mess that could easily have been avoided if you hadn't indulged your DD. . . I wonder if your DH thinks that too.

Maybe I'm still annoyed that she's refusing to he!p out when her entire holiday has been paid for.

It’s not a holiday though is it? It’s your wedding that you choose to have abroad. You knew she was unemployed and agreed to pay. Stop calling it a holiday.

The one in this thread was supposed to be going to uni and getting a grant and paying for herself.

So had she gone to uni and received a grant you would have expected her to use that to attend your wedding? Can you see how messed up your expectations here are?

"I also have a son, 2 years younger and dp had insisted that he pays towards the holiday."

It sounds to me like you and your dp have not worked out the details very well.

You've chosen to go abroad or wherever and have a wedding that takes quite a commitment (financially) to attend and your children are all being treated differently.

Knowing your dsd cannot pay due to no work you should have discussed how to manage all four of the kids attending, IMHO.

"My dd1 has always worked, even when at uni, so yes I am peeved that a 23 year old isn't offering anything at all towards it." To be fair she may feel peeved you are expecting her to pay but not the others. I can see her side too.

"We had asked her to take the photos. Apparently she is very good at photography and has an expensive camera. Nobody else has a camera! My phone is crap! She has refused."

OK this is a massive ask for a young person who has never worked, a huge responsibility.

We paid for wedding photos, very expensive, we rarely look at them, if ever! Far more valuable to me was the footage of video of us on the big day.

In your shoes I would hire a low cost photographer or video person (sorry do not know the correct name!) and/or supply disposable cameras on the tables for guests to take photos and leave cameras with you.

Others are right, she cannot enjoy herself if being responsible for photos and an expansive camera, she won't be in the shots and most people would not want that level of responsibility.

"It's fine for her to wear what ever she wants." That's good news.

Please talk to your dh and work out these details and then present a fair and united front to the kids.

I think you have issues that your dsd has never worked, and I would share these concerns, but this is a different issue to your (plural, your, your dh and all the kids) big day, IMHO.

What a horrible situation, I can’t believe that adults behave like this, paying for some children but not others ? What’s stopping you from just going to the local registrar office, simple pub lunch afterwards & then you & your DH going away on honeymoon on your own later? You all sound over dramatic.

The one in this thread was supposed to be going to uni and getting a grant and paying for herself.

And her circumstances have changed, in the same way you've said your DC's circumstances have changed.

I am peeved that a 23 year old isn't offering anything at all towards it. I also have a son, 2 years younger and dp had insisted that he pays towards the holiday.
Sorry but this is a major red flag that you should think carefully about before considering continuing with this marriage!

but her dad said to me he isn't paying the fee quoted for the photos and insisted that dsd would do them.
Why would you want to marry someone who is so controlling over money already?

Now she has said no. Again fair enough but we thought it would be a nice guesture. Why would you think that making someone miss being in wedding photos, and having the pressure and stress of trying to make sure you take good photos was a nice guesture. If it was a request while there was already a formal photographer, and this was just a little add-on, for less formal photos, that would be a different request. You are not being nice to your potential future DSD.

I had it out with dp that I was disappointed and that there is no way he would tolerate my son behaving like this, no way. Perhaps you both need to think about how you relate to your children and future step-children, because right now there is little cohesiveness between everyone, and it won't get easier by being married. You are both treating your future step-children as second-class children. There is so much more to this than the colour of your DSD's dress.

Ok I understand about the photos but it was dps suggestion and he knows his daughter.
I'll leave the dress.
And yes it is more about his adult dsd.
He has told me his ex was annoyed by the fact that she could not afford to do things with her children which my dp could afford to do with his.
I think this is an issue and dp had actually told me he respects my dd1 for being so hard working.

I have told dp he absolutely needs to stop facilitating dsd she needs to work.
Deep down he knows this and I think is realising after seeing my dcs that dsd needs to stand on her own two feet.

I do like dsds. Thank you for the replays.
I know on the day the dress and stuff will not matter.
I do need to speak to dp though.

This is not about the colour of a dress, is it?

Think you need to start a new thread about the actual issue.

In your shoes, I'd delay the wedding and focus on why you and your fiancé have very different attitudes to finances and parenting. If you don't resolve this satisfactorily, I can see it being brought up again and again over the years as a stick to beat the other party with. This includes your children using it against you when grandchildren come along.
I have adult step-children and luckily have a good relationship with them and their young families, but you have to navigate the course very carefully and don't take anything for granted.

I understand how irritating it must be for you but let her do what she wants at your wedding so long as it doesn't spoil your day.
After the wedding (and honeymoon?) are over and you're all back home then you and your DH can set some boundaries for his DD.