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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsd and wedding.

191 replies

Friendabc · 05/04/2019 19:35

Hello
Maybe I am bu I don't know.
I'm getting married soon, a very small intimate destination wedding.
My 2 dds are bridesmaids. Dsd was asked but declined, all fine.
I have bought the bridesmaids dresses.

Now here's the issue.
Dsd asked her dad about colours and what preference I had so that she could sort out a dress.
I told him (or thought I did) any colour but x.
Let's say my bridesmaids are pink, so I said any colour but pink, baring in mind she had the choice to be a bridesmaid and wear a pink dress.

Dsd is an adult my dds are very similar age but younger.

Now dad has sent dp and image of the dress she wants to wear.
Guess what?
It's the exact same colour and virtually the same style.
It's a different material but same length, neckline and colour!!

My reaction to dp was, no I told you not that colour and it's the same style so no.
She will look too ott.
It's a simple wedding on a beach, not a big lavish ceremony.
Dp says I told him to tell her to choose that colour!
Why would I do that?
I told him to tell her no, any colour but that.
I also reminded him that he had seen the dresses.
He swears he hasnt!
He's messaged her and apparently she wants that dress.
My response was no.
So what does he do, tells her to do what average likes and buy the dress.

Am I over reacting?
Is this ok?
We are paying for her to come and dp had assumed she would help out with a small detail at the ceremony which would save us money. Baring in mind that her entire holiday is being paid for by us.
That's another issue.

The bizzare thing is she hardly ever wears anything like this at all.
My dds are much more girly.
I'm not having a dig at her but I am very annoyed that she won't do us the one small favour on the day and this has missed me off.

Aibu?

OP posts:
BarrenFieldofFucks · 05/04/2019 20:07

None of your kids should be paying to attend your wedding if you want them there.

The dress thing? Who cares tbh.

lyralalala · 05/04/2019 20:07

How did your DD and DS find out that she wasn't paying anyway?

I think you should be paying for all of your kids, I don't understand why you'd plan a destination wedding and not budget to take your kids, however the arrangement between your DSD and you and her father is nothing to do with them. Just as it's not up to them to decide if your DD at college should be contributing.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 05/04/2019 20:08

I just think you have to assume that it’s a mix up.

And so what if she looks like a bridesmaid? It’s not the worst thing.

Just enjoy your day and give her some slack.

Twisique · 05/04/2019 20:10

Just make sure DSS knows its the same as the bridesmaids, that you dont mind as long as she doesnt.

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2019 20:10

Why are your children paying?

steff13 · 05/04/2019 20:10

I think if you invited them, you should pay for all of them. But realistically, I'd probably call this whole thing off. It doesn't seem like either of you like the other's kids very much.

Twisique · 05/04/2019 20:10

DSD I mean!

gobbynorthernbird · 05/04/2019 20:10

Even for AIBU this is a massively fucked up family dynamic. Are you sure getting married is the best thing?

nutsfornutella · 05/04/2019 20:11

I can't believe that your son and daughter have to pay to attend their mum's wedding. I'm a little relieved that it's not your idea but I'm gobsmacked that you are marrying a man that thinks that's ok. Attending a wedding is pricey- flights, hotel, outfit and not to mention time off work.

Bookworm4 · 05/04/2019 20:12

Yanbu, your DP made a mistake, this girl is 23 can you not just call her and say 'your dad got mixed up it's any colour BUT pink' unless she's a tantrum throwing toddler Im sure she'll be fine. Who funded the expensive camera when she's never worked? Is your DP subsidising his lazy DD whilst yours have to pay their way? TBH don't have a destination wedding unless you can pay for immediate family/wedding party, it's a cheek to expect people to pay for your wedding.

AutumnCrow · 05/04/2019 20:12

Weddings can be tough. It's just not feasible to do it like this, as you're finding out. Can you have a complete rethink?

What does your heart say? Your head? Same questions for your DP. (Honest, genuine answers.)

We have a family wedding coming up this year that is, frankly, likely to go down the pan on the day for similar reasons; and someone needs to step in and sort it out. I feel sorry for the couple but they can't seem to see the wood for the trees.

Leeds2 · 05/04/2019 20:12

I would be more worried about paying for DSD, and DD2, to attend but making DD1 and DS pay. If I were DD1, or DS, I would probably not attend at all.
The dress colour probably wouldn't bother me, as I assume DSD will be in any family photos anyway so she will just look like another bridesmaid.

PinkCrayon · 05/04/2019 20:13

Who cares what colour she wears Confused
You sound like a bridezilla.

Dragonfly3 · 05/04/2019 20:14

I would refuse to take photos at my parent’s wedding and I say that as a former professional wedding photographer! It’s a lot of pressure, hard work and you’re more of an observer at the wedding instead of a part of it. Having an expensive camera diesn’t Mean you’re able to take good photographs - it’s the person who takes the photos not the camera. Your dsd probably feels under qualified to bear the responsibility of producing good wedding photos (that she won’t feature in btw) and is right to refuse. I feel sorry for her actually, she sounds like she has very low self confidence.

Onceuponacheesecake · 05/04/2019 20:14

Asking her to be your photographer is not a "small detail" Wow! It's a huge responsibility of photos are important to you, more so than the bridesmaids jobs IMO. You can never sit down, relax or enjoy yourself. It's a slog. I'm not surprised she said no.

And YABU about the dress. You can't police what anyone wears at your wedding. You're an adult. She is an adult. So petty!

LordPickle · 05/04/2019 20:15

I get it OP. She refused to be in the wedding then wants to turn up like some outcast bridesmaid that wasn't included. It's weird and I'd be upset.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 05/04/2019 20:15

Jesus Christ cancel the wedding.
This is not a family.

Why hasn't she worked? Who is funding her? Why are you allowing your Husband to dictate what happens to your adult children?
No photographs are not a small favour it's a huge responsibility and one I would never take on.

It's a bloody dress. You wanted her to be a bridesmaid anyway and now she looks like one win win.

MightyAtlantic · 05/04/2019 20:18

I just KNEW it was going to be photography! That is not a "small detail" OP. Let your DSD wear whatever dress she likes, and pay for a bloody photographer!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/04/2019 20:19

I agree with the others - asking her to be the photographer is small and I also believe it's bigger than being a bridesmaid. She also won't be in any of the pictures so there will be loads of pictures with you, her father and her step siblings all together as a happy family without her in them.

I also don't think the colour of the dress is important at all, you've got bigger things to be worrying about. It sounds like a messed up family dynamic.

Original poster
Friendabc · 05/04/2019 20:20

Ok
I didn't want to be outed but
Dp has another child, older than mine and they are not paying to come either.
No issue with dresses from her, although she might wear the same as her sister.
She only works minimal hours and is a mature student.

Dp and I were originally going away to get married, alone.
Totally just the 2 of us.
The reason we changed and quite frankly I'm seriously wondering if we should have stuck to our guns is because my dd said please. Please let us come and please please bring grandma. SH e laid it on thick.
So yes we invited a few guests.
I did say to dp but who will pay for dsds and he said they will.
The one in this thread was supposed to be going to uni and getting a grant and paying for herself.
However, for reasons only known to her because she refused point blank to discuss it with us or her mother, she tu r ed down her uni offer and has remained unemployed since.
So now we are in this position of having to fund everyone.

In the mean time my dcs have been made financially worse for reasons I am not going to discuss on here.

So in a nutshell we have been forced to pick up the bill.
We never said oh all come away with us and we will pay for everything, that was never the intention because we are not well off.
And it does grate on dd1 because my dp paid for his 2 dds to come away with us before, when they were adults.
I could only take dd2 (who was still at school) as I could not afford to take either ds or dd1, so I understand fully how dsd not working or being at uni does impact on everybody.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
SEsofty · 05/04/2019 20:21

This is so messed up. Of course you couldn’t expect her to be photographer. That means that she couldn’t be in any photos. Is there any more obvious way of saying to someone I don’t think of as part of the family.

I am also shocked that you are expecting your children to pay to attend your wedding.

What anyone wears is irrelevant

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 05/04/2019 20:21

Re: taking the photographs - it would certainly be a big "thing" in a majorly fancy wedding, but the OP has said that this is a small, intimate and simple beach wedding. Not quite the same thing.

FuzzyLilac · 05/04/2019 20:22

Was it a "we will pay for you if you take the photos" kind of thing?

Italiangreyhound · 05/04/2019 20:22

OP "Am I over reacting?" yes, it's a dress. That is all. Stop worrying about the fact it is similar to your dds. You asked her to be a bridesmaid, she said no. Either she now wants to be more included or she made a mistake or she is doing it to make a dig at you. Whichever of these is the case, it doesn't matter.

If it is the dig, the best thing to do IMHO is say 'it looks lovely, great choice."

If she wants to be more involved, the best thing to do IMHO is say 'it looks lovely, great choice."

If it is a mistake, the best thing to do IMHO is say 'it looks lovely, great choice."

HappilyHarridan · 05/04/2019 20:23

You can’t keep calling it a holiday, it’s your wedding they’re going to! It’s not like they could pick the destination, dates and traveling companions like they would if it were a holiday.