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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsd and wedding.

191 replies

Friendabc · 05/04/2019 19:35

Hello
Maybe I am bu I don't know.
I'm getting married soon, a very small intimate destination wedding.
My 2 dds are bridesmaids. Dsd was asked but declined, all fine.
I have bought the bridesmaids dresses.

Now here's the issue.
Dsd asked her dad about colours and what preference I had so that she could sort out a dress.
I told him (or thought I did) any colour but x.
Let's say my bridesmaids are pink, so I said any colour but pink, baring in mind she had the choice to be a bridesmaid and wear a pink dress.

Dsd is an adult my dds are very similar age but younger.

Now dad has sent dp and image of the dress she wants to wear.
Guess what?
It's the exact same colour and virtually the same style.
It's a different material but same length, neckline and colour!!

My reaction to dp was, no I told you not that colour and it's the same style so no.
She will look too ott.
It's a simple wedding on a beach, not a big lavish ceremony.
Dp says I told him to tell her to choose that colour!
Why would I do that?
I told him to tell her no, any colour but that.
I also reminded him that he had seen the dresses.
He swears he hasnt!
He's messaged her and apparently she wants that dress.
My response was no.
So what does he do, tells her to do what average likes and buy the dress.

Am I over reacting?
Is this ok?
We are paying for her to come and dp had assumed she would help out with a small detail at the ceremony which would save us money. Baring in mind that her entire holiday is being paid for by us.
That's another issue.

The bizzare thing is she hardly ever wears anything like this at all.
My dds are much more girly.
I'm not having a dig at her but I am very annoyed that she won't do us the one small favour on the day and this has missed me off.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Missnearlyvintage · 05/04/2019 20:39

There are a couple of things in your posts which seem a bit unreasonable to be honest, though I understand that it's of course a very important occasion for you, and one that has taken a lot of planning up until this point.

The lack of equal treatment between all of your children and step children seems sad to me. I cannot see how it is reasonable that some should pay and some should not. This is your wedding, which you have presumable specifically decided to have abroad, and therefore there are extra costs involved for your guests than having a wedding locally. If there is an expectation from you that they should attend, surely you should be paying for all of them to go, or accepting that some may not have the means/ want to come.

Secondly regarding the photos which your DSD does not want to do for you on the day. I think that sounds like a lot of pressure for her - what if you didn't like the photos she took? I imagine that wouldn't help your relationship very much and might taint your big day. To me that sounds like quite a large responsibility and not just a favour or something nice for her to do for you. Again, this is your wedding, so really all of this kind of thing is your responsibility IMO.

Thirdly re. the dress. It does just sound like poor communication. If you haven't vetted all the guests' outfits for the day, then I don't think it's worth pursuing this any further. Your DP doesn't sound like he wants to be the piggy in the middle or the messenger between you and DSD so it may be worth talking to DSD directly in future to make sure there are no more miscommunications.

FenellaMaxwell · 05/04/2019 20:41

You may like the DSDs but it doesn’t sound like your DP likes your DC at all. Why are you marrying this man?

justjuggling · 05/04/2019 20:44

It’s not her entire holiday has been paid for, it’s a trip to watch her father get married. I imagine, your daughters’ trips have also been funded.

Re the dress, let it go. I get that you want everything to be totally, perfectly as you envisaged it but it’s not worth damaging the relationship with your DSD over the colour of a dress. If it’s the same colour as the bridesmaid dresses then it’ll look lovely in the photos and what does it matter if people assume she’s also a bridesmaid?

Let it go and enjoy the wedding! X

keenwasalad · 05/04/2019 20:44

Smh.

Soontobe60 · 05/04/2019 20:44

You've created this mess yourself by wanting a wedding abroad.
You should pay for ALL the children to go, regardless of their income. If you can't afford to do that, then cancel the wedding and have a small affair at home.
Your comment about expecting one DSD to use her Uni grant pay for her own ticket is appalling! No wonder she hasn't gone to uni!
This does not bode well for your marriage I'm afraid.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 05/04/2019 20:47

It’s a dilemma because you are cash strapped and the wedding has run away with itself. If you could pay for everyone it would be a non issue.
Did your DD fancy the holiday away more than the wedding since it seems to be her suggestion that it turn into a massive palaver.

I would follow PP suggestion that you do a small wedding here that everyone can come to and do your original wedding with just the two of you. Have tickets been bought already?

Merryoldgoat · 05/04/2019 20:48

You’ve got way bigger issues than your DSD’s dress I’m afraid!

AutumnCrow · 05/04/2019 20:53

Oh lord, cancel the bloody thing; or go back to just the two of you.

This by the way - The one in this thread was supposed to be going to uni and getting a grant and paying for herself - isn't right. She'll get a loan (not a grant) dependent on the income of the parent (and any partner of the parent) she is resident with, which could mean it's not enough. Not fair, but that's the reality.

Original poster
Friendabc · 05/04/2019 20:54

Some good points.
Firstly I was not the one to mention wedding outfits. In fact I have let dds choose the dress they both prefer. It was dsd who asked for info about the dress, and I've already said there was probably a mid communication, via dp.
I have no idea what the other guests are wearing.
It was just seeing the picture made me think wtf.
Photos, if you rtt you see it was dps idea, not mine to ask dsd.
I'm going to book a photographer.

I have spoken to dp about how my son is treated my him and told him that he needs to look at his own 2 dc first.

We do all get on.
Out of all of us my ds and dsd ( the main one in this thread, not dsd2) and the most socially awkward and so probably don't communicate as much with respective step parents.
I think dp sees in my son something which reminds him of dsd1 and this is why he comments about my son contributing.
Dd1 and dsd2 get on best, most similar, outgoing etc.

Finally if it means I'll be skint we will pay for everyone.

Also I've learnt never to let dp pass on a message.

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 05/04/2019 20:56

I can't believe you're having your wedding abroad and are making your young adult children pay to be there!!! Asking your step daughter to take the photos rather than be in them is rude . If you're strapped for cash don't get married abroad.

loulou0987 · 05/04/2019 21:02

Hi dsd
Your Dad has shown me a picture of your dress which is lovely
I just wanted to give you a heads up that it’s very similar to the bridesmaid dresses
It would look lovely on the pictures but I totally understand if you want to change it
Looking forward to seeing you on...
friendabc

IHateUncleJamie · 05/04/2019 21:03

The one in this thread was supposed to be going to uni and getting a grant and paying for herself.

Er - NO. Firstly it’s a loan, not a grant, as pps have said. Secondly, that loan was to pay for her accommodation, books, food etc. NOT for a trip abroad to see her Dad get married!

Your DP might think he knows his dd best but insisting she will take your wedding photos is not nice.

Upshot is, you and he want to get married abroad (and of course your children want to be there; wtf?) so you either pay for all your children or none. Simple as.

Your DP doesn’t sound like a very kind person, by the way.

OKBobble · 05/04/2019 21:04

Seriously cancel the actual wedding part abroad, get married here and go on the holiday as a honeymoon!

BerryMenthol · 05/04/2019 21:05

I think you are bu. It's a colour, there is a chance another guest could have bought the same dress. It's no big deal.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/04/2019 21:07

So, he plans to pay for his children to attend and that's fine, but expects your children to pay their own way? Do I have that right? So why don't you pay for your own children to attend out of your own money?

I can see a whole lot of trouble up ahead. I don't have a problem with 'second marriages' feeling that each partner should provide for their own children as they see fit, but I DO have a problem with one partner expecting the other partner to treat their children differently than they treat their own. OR planning things that the 'less financially fortunate' parent can't afford for their children and expecting them to 'find the money' somehow.

BerryMenthol · 05/04/2019 21:07

I think you are bu. It's a colour, there is a chance another guest could have bought the same dress. It's no big deal.

Also, it isn't a holiday, it's your wedding abroad... people always seem to think that them getting married abroad is a nice thing for others... and yes while it is nice to go away and weddings are nice, people have to usually take leave from work to attend them so dictating their time so it isn't the big favour you think it is. Also, if my Dad remarried abroad I would expect him to pay for me to come to be honest, as would I expect to pay for my child, regardless of their age.

Nicknacky · 05/04/2019 21:12

You can’t pay for some children and not others, the budget is your problem to sort out.

moaningitsabingthing · 05/04/2019 21:15

Do you have to go abroad for the wedding or could you have it here so none of your children have to pay?

notharryssally · 05/04/2019 21:18

You asked her to be a bridesmaid and now she will look like one. I don't see the issue?

user1474894224 · 05/04/2019 21:20

Am I the only one who thinks DSD is having you on choosing a dress the same as the bridesmaids? I think she's on a wind up with you....and it seems to have worked. As others have said....ditch the destination wedding. Get married here and head off on honeymoon alone.

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2019 21:28

@justjuggling
It’s not her entire holiday has been paid for, it’s a trip to watch her father get married. I imagine, your daughters’ trips have also been funded.

RTT. No they haven't. That's the point.

kenandbarbie · 05/04/2019 21:33

I think you should have had a wedding at home so everyone could afford to go themselves. It's not a holiday for them they would have chosen, it's your wedding. Now there's all this confusion between you and dh, dc and sdc all feeling put out and worrying about who's getting more. If you know some of your dc are unemployed and you decide to go ahead with a destination wedding then you either have to pay for them or change your plans - that's only fair. I would say you should be paying for all dc at a destination wedding.

The best solution would have been to change to a wedding at home, when your dc asked to be invited. And then go on a lovely honeymoon with new dh.

Ginger1982 · 05/04/2019 21:34

Initially I was on your side but I think it's pretty poor to expect your kids to pay to come to your wedding, whether you were originally going to invite them or not, and completely wrong to pay for your DSD but not your own kids. Your DP doesn't sound very nice either expecting your kids to pay but not his own. And by asking DSD to take the pics I think I sends a message, intentional or otherwise, that you weren't fussed about her being in any pics herself.

timeisnotaline · 05/04/2019 21:36

All of your children between you should be paid for. If your dp disagrees or won’t contribute towards yours cancel the wedding.
No, you should not have learnt never to have him pass a message. You should have learnt that any mistakes he makes passing a message, he fixes. Stop enabling him. Above all stop enabling him to favour his dc above yours, your dc will notice that you are not prioritising them anymore now you have this dp who thinks his kids are special and need help but yours should stand on their own two feet.

Freemind · 05/04/2019 21:41

As pp have said, let DSD wear whatever she wants - it will look great for all girls to be coordinated! Agree that you and your dp will cover the costs for all children to be there. Let them know you are glad to have them there. Ask all guests to take as many photos as they can and put them on a shared album online - it will create some happy and maybe funny memories and save you some money and give the guests something fun to do - make sure there is no pressure regarding getting perfect shots. Relax and enjoy the wedding - set the tone for your future family life.