DH referred to me as "my cleaner"

[namechange1796]

So DH works from home on Fridays...using the kitchen as his office. He has lots of conference calls and it means is can be difficult when the kids are around/jobs need to be done. I needed to be at the Church for the Primary dc service and needed to get downstairs vacuumed before I went. Therefore, I asked DH to move so I could get the vacuuming done ...as a “joke” he said to the colleague “just hang on a minute, my cleaner has asked me to move” Then he followed it up with “the cleaner is actually my wife” “now I’m in the bad books” “if looks could kill I’d be dead now”

So as not to drip feed - I’ve had a hard time recently - 2 mc in 6 months - one a mmc and one earlier one just this week. I’m the wrong side of 40. I’ve been a SAHP all my life and am finding adjusting to this part of my life very hard.

Dh is all “sorry!” “It was just a joke” “you’d have found it funny before” etc I’m just fed up with everything and feel my life has been reduced to tidying and cleaning. 2 of my dc have ASD And DH’s job also makes retraining for me near impossible.

Am I just being over sensitive? It would be the first time in my life I’ve been told I am!

So your answer to ensuring you gave your children more time than your parents could gave you was to have 8 of them...kind of bizarre logic to me! You can report the thread to admin to have it closed or removed I think.

This was the first time I have ever asked him to move so I could vacuum. I have asked him not to be in there - most of the kids were around as they’d finished for Easter. I had to be somewhere and I did - this one time need to get the vacuuming done right then! I’m the only one who does it and my time management skills are second to none! Usually I will leave vacuuming when he’s working at home - or anything that’s remotely noisy - not easy with a 2yr old! This was a one time exception.

OP, I know you have found some of the responses harsh, but there have also been some very insightful ones. For me the stand out is that you are feeling great discontent and don't feel able to change that. You need to take ownership of the life choices that led you here, so you can plot a way forward for yourself that brings you greater self fulfilment - good luck!

@jessgalinda - well aware of the phrase “made your bed now lie in it!” Thanks!

@Tealtights you’re the master of twisting things aren’t you?

namechange1796 no, you really need to stop reading nastiness into everyone's comments.

It's more of a case, you made your bed, laid in it but not happy with that bed anymore......so go get a new bed

Until you accept you made choices that led here you will just carry on thinking you dotn have the power to change it.

If you are unhappy, only you can change it. By recognising your choices led to where you are you are recognising that your choices can get you to a place where you are happy.

The OP is clearly unhappy that her days a sahm are coming to an end in the next few years.

Lots of people struggle with their kids growing up and not having young dependent kids around.

She may not mean it, but comments about working mothers is more about how she feels about herself, not working mothers.

I suspect op wants to do everything because that's her identity. Let's not be too harsh about how she is wording things.

Absolutely right about sahp - I couldn’t care less how other people run their lives! I’m not invested in those people or their families. I’m only bothered about what’s right for my own.

There have also been some decisions I’ve had to go along with despite being very unhappy with them - openly so. That have resulted in me living in a place where I really don’t want to be! That’s not helping and unfortunately it’s not possible to change it...no matter how many pp’s would like to say differently.

@namechange1796 my husband seems to think so 😂😂 but then that's a bit ironic considering this whole thread is how you interpreted a joke as commentary on your whole existence...! Seriously though I do hope you can find some happiness, you sound very down trodden at the moment but you have so much of your life ahead of you, choose you for once.

I've a feeling this thread was meant to have been full of 'LTB' responses and platitudes for OP and its gone a very different direction! If your youngest is 2, will there soon be opportunity for childcare to enable you to have some time out? Not saying work straight away, but something different that is for you!

There have also been some decisions I’ve had to go along with despite being very unhappy with them - openly so. That have resulted in me living in a place where I really don’t want to be! That’s not helping and unfortunately it’s not possible to change it...no matter how many pp’s would like to say differently.

No one said every choice and decision was something you wanted.

But lots of them were.

OP you are unhappy. That's why you got annoyed at dh, that's why you are getting annoyed at people here. Who you define yourself as, isnt making you happy and is the mc have made you realise its ending soon.

But only you can change that. You loved to where you live years after you decided to not finish your uni course. There are things you did for the good of the whole family and choices you made for yourself.

Instead of hating those choices and situations. Accept them for what they were and start making new choices.

would you all really be ok with dh's referring to you, to a colleague, as the cleaner????????

really???

not saying it privately in jest to you? but to an actual work colleague?

i am just open mouthed!

I would be so so pissed of!

@Bigearringsbigsmile wouldn't bother me at all, I'd find it funny, admittedly I have a professional career earning more than my husband so it wouldn't be playing to any insecurities for me as I suspect it does to the OP.

would you all really be ok with dh's referring to you, to a colleague, as the cleaner????????

No it wouldn't. I would some sarcastic comment back. Something like 'ah cleaner, pretty sure if I am your cleaner you are under paying me'....or 'yeah yea laugh it up, at least I am not the gardener.'

Or something.

It's not like he was actually pretending she was the cleaner.

And this isnt about that, it's about how the OP is feeling herself.

would you all really be ok with dh's referring to you, to a colleague, as the cleaner????????
Yes it is a joke.
OP I hope you're ok, the is some really great advise on this thread, have another read when you feel better, I definitely agree it is not the comment, he hit a sore point, there is lots issues and resentment, In my eyes you must be a good team to raise 8 DC on one wage, while one parent got to nurture the DC, it seems it is how you wanted it to be.

What would have happened if you'd not hoovered then before church? Since you were going to further at least one more time later the same day, could it really not have waited?

I should have waited. I usually do. I felt more pressured yesterday. I got it wrong.

would you all really be ok with dh's referring to you, to a colleague, as the cleaner????????
Yes, it would be a joke. I know this because I in no way feel he views me as 'the cleaner'.

Though it'd be an unlikely situation for him to say it to someone who doesn't know me. It only works if the person hearing it is aware the set up means it's not a true opinion.

pressured by what / who though? would your DH have been cross? Or are you trying to uphold impossibly high standards? I think you need to cut yourself a bit of slack.

I should have waited. I usually do. I felt more pressured yesterday. I got it wrong
Not at all OP. You're having a hard time emotionally, forget the vacuuming its a smoke screen, try focus on feeling better.
You sound like a lovely DM, talk to your family the teens too, see if you can all pull together, help you focus on yourself for a change.
I feel I get lost in life ay times with 2DC.
Be kind to yourself

OP yes some of the comments on here have been harsh but you've also received understanding from some and advice and suggestions for a more positive future. I hope you'll take another look at those and apply those so your own life improves.
We all have only life (though some religions would beg to differ). Make the most of it. Don't be so unhappy for all the years ahead.
I wish you all the best

OP I am currently a SAPH as a trailing spouse. DH often wah in an open plan house. My work is cleaning the house, it cannot always come second to DH's work because if it did it just wouldn't get done.
Once on a work call someone said they could hear a vacuum cleaner. DH replied it was his wife working and he wouldn't ask me to stop because it was unlikely I'd ever start again if he did that.
As an aside this is the second time I've been just at home and I do think it is harder when dc are older. I am looking hard for meaningful activities outside of the home as I was feeling like an under valued and bored maid.

I think you need to cut yourself a bit of slack.

I think so too.

Though in a different situation to OP, I often feel the same.

Alot of my identity is wrapped up my career. I often feel pressured and work myself to exhaustion. But the person putting the pressure on is me.

I want to be the best I can be at my job because it means a lot to me. The best mum i can be to my 2 kids. The best friend i can be to my best friend, who is the only reason i am still alive. The beat partner i can be to my dp, who i dont live with yet.

They all, including my boss, try and get me to slow down. Just I dont.

dreichuplands. I hear you. What is to be done?