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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH referred to me as "my cleaner"

201 replies

namechange1796 · 05/04/2019 15:09

So DH works from home on Fridays...using the kitchen as his office. He has lots of conference calls and it means is can be difficult when the kids are around/jobs need to be done. I needed to be at the Church for the Primary dc service and needed to get downstairs vacuumed before I went. Therefore, I asked DH to move so I could get the vacuuming done ...as a “joke” he said to the colleague “just hang on a minute, my cleaner has asked me to move” Then he followed it up with “the cleaner is actually my wife” “now I’m in the bad books” “if looks could kill I’d be dead now”

So as not to drip feed - I’ve had a hard time recently - 2 mc in 6 months - one a mmc and one earlier one just this week. I’m the wrong side of 40. I’ve been a SAHP all my life and am finding adjusting to this part of my life very hard.

Dh is all “sorry!” “It was just a joke” “you’d have found it funny before” etc I’m just fed up with everything and feel my life has been reduced to tidying and cleaning. 2 of my dc have ASD And DH’s job also makes retraining for me near impossible.

Am I just being over sensitive? It would be the first time in my life I’ve been told I am!

OP posts:
Cheeserton · 05/04/2019 15:52

It might 'just' be a joke, but it's a particularly shit joke. DH was being a bit of a lamb shanker.

downcasteyes · 05/04/2019 15:53

I don't think you're being oversensitive at all. This has all the hallmarks of rather neanderthal male "bantz" that unthinkingly reproduces discriminatory gender relations. If my DH described me as "the cleaner" he would expect to be found dismembered across several neighbouring gardens.

I am so, so sorry you are having a hard time in life at the moment. What you've been through is rough. Is there something you can do for yourself, that would give you back a bit of confidence that you have things to offer, both creatively and in the workplace, that go beyond your role as a mother?

Original poster
namechange1796 · 05/04/2019 15:54

I’m not offended by the don’t have anymore children - my eldest probably key has ASD too...she is about to go to uni and will probably get 4 As or A*s at A level...just shows ignorance about ASD!

OP posts:
HappyDinosaur · 05/04/2019 15:56

I think you are feeling oversensitive, but he should apologize for not understanding that you are a bit sensitive at the moment. He should be aware of this and treat you accordingly. I have to say, I often joke when my husband makes tea that he's my butler, it's not meant to be mean, just a light hearted comment. I wouldn't say it if I knew he wasn't well or was feeling a bit low though.

Original poster
namechange1796 · 05/04/2019 15:56

@downcasteyes - hit the nail on the head. The trouble is I’m struggling with what I can do! But you’re absolutely right I need to do something to build my confidence! In public I put on a very good act and no one irl would have a clue what I’ve been through/going through.

OP posts:
VanillaSugarry · 05/04/2019 15:57

As I’m here....

OP you are not being over sensitive at all.

SkintAsASkintThing · 05/04/2019 15:58

He was obviously joking.

Hell I've just spotted my OH in town and boomed why the hell is there a bloke dressed as a garden gnome out on the loose. And my friend and I cackled.

He booted me up the arse as he passed and that's about as dramatic as it got.

I think you have to lighten up massively, sometimes it's nice to have a joke.

Cheeserton · 05/04/2019 16:01

Absolute bollocks. There's a time and a place for joking. This wasn't it, blatantly not in OP's circs with that joke. Are you the sort skint who tells bereaved people to cheer up?

Fridasrage · 05/04/2019 16:04

I certainly think that it’s demeaning and reinforces harmful sexist tropes for your DH to call you a cleaner, but it also seems like there’s lots of other issues that might be at play here.

Firstly, and (potentially) easiest, is to say that DH should work somewhere less disruptive on a Friday - maybe put a desk in one of the bedrooms?

It also seems like you have a fair bit of resentment towards DH. Maybe ask yourself a few questions:
Do you feel that your work as a stay at home parent is valued as equally as your husbands work in your relationship? Do you feel like the distribution of household chores and emotional labour is fair between you? Does DH appreciate and validate the suffering that you’ve been through with the miscarriages? Does he show up as a parent on weekends/evenings? Is his language towards you generally respectful and loving? Has he experienced what it’s like to do a day in your shoes looking after the kids/house etc?
(All rhetorical for you to think over - not asking for answers to these be posted!)
If there are problems maybe you need to sit down with DH and talk through some of the issues you identify.

Finally it sounds like you would like to do something else other than the role you’re currently in. Is there any way with childcare or your husbands job that you could wrangle a few hours a week to do something you find fulfilling? (A hobby, taking an online course, writing etc)

SkintAsASkintThing · 05/04/2019 16:06

Why on earth would I tell a bereaved person to cheer up ?? Someone's gone off on a tangent HmmConfused

He made a joke, it back fired.

The op is going through a hard time, as is her OH.

But people going through a hard time can still laugh and joke. And at times not feel up to it and over react.

He didn't make any comment referring to her recent struggles, he was probably just trying to be a bit light-hearted when things have been so shit lately.

downcasteyes · 05/04/2019 16:09

"The trouble is I’m struggling with what I can do!"

I promise you, absolutely hand on heart, you have LOADS to offer.

But you need to take some time to figure out what would really fulfil you and make you feel good. For a few lucky people, the solution falls from the skies - for most of us, it's a process of figuring it out. Smile It might be really helpful to talk to a counsellor or a life coach (or, ideally, someone who is both) to help you out, because it can be very daunting on your own. I had a bit of a mini-crisis about what I wanted to do in life a while back, after I was really ill, and it was amazing to be able to talk it through with someone. I now have so much more purpose and direction than I did previously. It's a nice feeling.

If I can do it, you most definitely can!! Smile

labazsisgoingmad · 05/04/2019 16:10

its a stupid male joke that he as most men dont didnt realise how hurtful it was mans a tosser tell him to do the bloody cleaning from now on

SchoolOfLife2 · 05/04/2019 16:13

its just a joke and i actually laughed reading

but if it hurts you tell him and cuddle up

outpinked · 05/04/2019 16:15

Unfunny joke but completely understandable why you’re hypersensitive atm.

CabbageHippy · 05/04/2019 16:16

100% being over sensitive & why did you need to vacuum so desperately? the world would not end if the dust was still there tomorrow

however as a punishment your DH should treat you to a Roomba, I truly love mine, even though DH got it for my birthday Hmm

5foot5 · 05/04/2019 16:19

If he’d said “no” I’d have had to fit it in later when I had 10 children to look after after school & prepare food for.

Is this a typo? 10?

SabineUndine · 05/04/2019 16:20

I would be furious about this too, but I wouldn't be upset, I would pin his ears back and say 'Right. From now onwards you are going to be doing your share, and we'll start with a bit of TLC for me.' And tell him you want some pampering and some treats and you expect this to be the norm in future. It's not your job to skivvy for him without acknowledgement or thanks, and since you've just had a miscarriage he should be looking after you.

Spudlet · 05/04/2019 16:22

If DH had said that me I would no longer have a husband.... just a small smoking crater. It was an arsehole thing to say.

I would agree with others that maybe you need to consider what you might do as a job - not necessarily fulltime thing, but is there perhaps some scope for a few hours from home? Do you do any crafts, for example, that you might sell? Have any hobbies that could be developed (maybe training to teach something?). I'm not saying you absolutely must or anything, but maybe just give it some thought for a bit, when you feel physically and emotionally ready.

SEsofty · 05/04/2019 16:23

Whose are the ten children?

SEsofty · 05/04/2019 16:24

And surely it makes more sense to hoover after ten children have gone home

Original poster
namechange1796 · 05/04/2019 16:25

@5foot5 not a typo but most are teenagers (my own older dc’s) and I had 2 extra for tea. Kids is over egging the amount of supervision most need! Although I will be cooking for 12 people. DH WILL help with that!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 05/04/2019 16:25

So everyone’s telling the OP it’s just banter and she should lighten up? Okaaay then......

Holidayshopping · 05/04/2019 16:26

That wouldn’t actually have bothered me, I would have laughed and called him a twat but we take the piss quite a lot and I am also not a SAHM, so can see your perspective would be different.

You say you’ve been a SAHM all your life-have you never worked? I presume that’s affecting your confidence-could you train to do something whilst at home?

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 05/04/2019 16:27

So you have eight children, is that correct?

Original poster
namechange1796 · 05/04/2019 16:27

@SESoftly - will need to vacuum again but the dogs are moulting and it gets everywhere and then big teenage feet walk the fur up the stairs etc...it’s quicker to run the hoover round 2/3 times a day over the hard floors than having to do the whole house!

OP posts:
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