DH referred to me as "my cleaner"

[namechange1796]

So DH works from home on Fridays...using the kitchen as his office. He has lots of conference calls and it means is can be difficult when the kids are around/jobs need to be done. I needed to be at the Church for the Primary dc service and needed to get downstairs vacuumed before I went. Therefore, I asked DH to move so I could get the vacuuming done ...as a “joke” he said to the colleague “just hang on a minute, my cleaner has asked me to move” Then he followed it up with “the cleaner is actually my wife” “now I’m in the bad books” “if looks could kill I’d be dead now”

So as not to drip feed - I’ve had a hard time recently - 2 mc in 6 months - one a mmc and one earlier one just this week. I’m the wrong side of 40. I’ve been a SAHP all my life and am finding adjusting to this part of my life very hard.

Dh is all “sorry!” “It was just a joke” “you’d have found it funny before” etc I’m just fed up with everything and feel my life has been reduced to tidying and cleaning. 2 of my dc have ASD And DH’s job also makes retraining for me near impossible.

Am I just being over sensitive? It would be the first time in my life I’ve been told I am!

What do you think it is @Bertrand? Because it would absolutely be banter in this house.

My interpretation is he was annoyed at her having to hoover at that particular moment and meant something along the lines of 'my wife must think she's doing a [paid] job too, asking me to move when I'm working', i.e. she's a cleaner. And it came out all wrong.

BertrandRussell

So everyone’s telling the OP it’s just banter and she should lighten up? Okaaay then......
Would you prefer people to lie and not give their opinion?
If that's what some people think , it's what they think surely?

Why on earth has my post been deleted when it didn't actually quote the offending post directly, but two that do quote it directly are still up?

Nothing funny at all about his ‘joke’. I don’t think you are being over sensitive. For your own self confidence maybe a night a week retraining? Getting away from the house.

So you have eight children?

Aside from everything said,

OP yuo have 8 kids, 2 with ASD, and are still managing to hoover the house and keeping it clean? and your child acheived those high grades too? Hats off to you. Im struggling with one.

You sound like you love kids still, im at my wits end thinking Im not sure if i can handle more. Thats alot of achievement!

Well done to you.

I think you must have a reason to be so over sensitive. I’d think this was funny just like DH would if I called him my gardener

I’m sorry to hear about your MC’s 💐

Whether it was a joke or not, only really you know. I’d see it as ‘a joke’ if DH did his share of HW, cooking & kid stuff etc but if I did everything and he did Jack Shit, I’d see it as him actually expressing how he sees me/my role on our family. Then Captain Big Mouth would find himself paying for a cleaner, many more meals out, meals delivered etc while I re found myself and what I wanted to do because I sure as all hell wouldn’t have signed up to be treat like his cleaner/nanny/sub.

Prioritise the re training you wanted to, if you want to. He/money will have to step up and do some of the house/family stuff.

I’m fine with people telling me to lighten up! It good to see things from other perspectives.

Why isn’t he doing the bloody hoovering

Because he is at work. Why do people find this hard to grasp. Working from home means being at work at home. It isn't skiving and being available for everything else.

8 children, 2 with ASD, trying to get PG again whilst also upset that your life is reduced to childcare and cleaning? Yup well there is an awful lot of work involved in looking after 8 children isn't there!

As far as I'm concerned "Don't you EVER speak disrespectfully about me in front of your colleagues again" about covers it.

“if looks could kill I’d be dead now” is not an apology and “It was just a joke” is a pathetic excuse. If “you’d have found it funny before” is true then it's time to raise your sights. Put-downs aren't funny.

If that was me then his "cleaner" would go off duty, and so would his childminder, his dogwalker, his cook... and I wont name the other service that wouldn't be provided for the foreseeable.

So sorry to hear of your loss, OP.

With eight kids, you can probably organise in your sleep and sign up to mediate for the UN! I also get the impression you are taken for granted: make sure you ask explicitly for help. Older teenagers should understand that you are in pain and need an extra hand.

On a lighter note, outside of the kids what do you enjoy doing? With the older ones going to university and the younger ones gaining more independence, this could be a good time for you to look at new hobbies, interests - or even doing a degree course yourself.

OP genuine question - when was the last time you had a proper day off or even a half day off, really actually off with no housework and no childcare?
Your posts sound like they might have an element of "keeping busy to not think about things" - you were back doing the school run the day after giving birth, you hoover 2-3 times every day, you have multiple dogs to look after, you have 8 kids, some with additional needs, and are feeding 12 people this evening - it all sounds like a recipe for having a serious burnout at some point or bad empty nest syndrome in the future.
Do you always run at 150% like this because you "have to"?

My wife wife often calls me the "dishwasher" as in ("I've got a dishwasher...he's upstairs" or similar)

You won't find me ranting about how this reinforces the delegation of non-skilled household chores to the male in a relationship. It's not misandry in action, nor is she showing me utter disrespect and needs a stern talking to and to wash her own dishes in future.

Sometimes, a joke is just a joke.

@PBo83 and you really don't see the difference?

@kaytee87

To be fair, my post was 'in cheek' but not really.

You won't find me ranting about how this reinforces the delegation of non-skilled household chores to the male in a relationship. It's not misandry in action

It's precisely because there is no delegation of non skilled household chores to the Male in the relationship to reinforce. Men don't suffer from that sort of sexism.
Also op had a miscarriage a few days ago, probably shouldn't be rushing about doing household choices anyway and her husband made a joke of it in front of his colleague? Not very loving.

Washing the cars, mowing the lawn, DIY?

All traditionally 'male' household jobs no? Besides my post was as much of a joke as the OP's husband.

I do agree that she shouldn't necessarily be doing housework so soon after a miscarriage but that's her choice surely.

I don't drive and occasionally refer to my husband as the chauffeur. Similar thing, really. Sorry it got your back up but you're being oversensitive.

I don’t think you’re being sensitive.

I also don’t think anyone with half a brain would need explaining why calling your partner your cleaner is not funny in any shape or form.

I hoover every day and steam clean the floors every other day, doesn’t make me my partners unpid cleaner. And he wouldn’t hve the audacity to ‘joke’ that I was. Our colleagues would think he’s a twat if he did.

OP, find something you want to do and train for it, make your H step up and take on some of the mental and physical load of the daily household running.

Do something for yourself, train for something you’d love to do.

I always wonder at the suggestions to explain and tell the man in your life that something blatantly offensive is offensive because poor old man finds it hard to understand.
So glad my partner isn’t that stupid.

My husband is the cleaner in our house and I'm the chef

I think you might have been a little oversensitive on this one OP

You have two kids with ASD... think I wouldn’t be looking to have anymore kids if I was you

And I wouldn't be either. Perfectly valid opinion. People need to calm down when someone says something rational instead of thinking they mean death and screaming shame to the person in question. Hold on to a turd of your righteous indignation, there will be a better opportunity to pelt it.
As to vacuuming while someone's on the phone - good point some people made, perhaps it wasn't the best of times. But if all his work at home is on the phone, then it's just not a vacuuming day today. Or the husbo can do it himself after he finishes his shift in paid employment.

I also don’t think anyone with half a brain would need explaining why calling your partner your cleaner is not funny in any shape or form.

I have a WHOLE brain, as does my wife and we'd have both found it funny (not roll on the floor laughing funny but mildly amusing), the same if the joke was the other way around.

make your H step up and take on some of the mental and physical load of the daily household running.

There's no suggestion that he doesn't help around the house just not when he's at work.

So glad my partner isn’t that stupid.

Having a different sense of humour doesn't make you any more or less intelligent. This is why people generally end up with someone who shares a similar SOH.

Your opinions are just as valid as everyone else's but you can't accuse people who disagree with you as being 'stupid'