DH referred to me as "my cleaner"

[namechange1796]

So DH works from home on Fridays...using the kitchen as his office. He has lots of conference calls and it means is can be difficult when the kids are around/jobs need to be done. I needed to be at the Church for the Primary dc service and needed to get downstairs vacuumed before I went. Therefore, I asked DH to move so I could get the vacuuming done ...as a “joke” he said to the colleague “just hang on a minute, my cleaner has asked me to move” Then he followed it up with “the cleaner is actually my wife” “now I’m in the bad books” “if looks could kill I’d be dead now”

So as not to drip feed - I’ve had a hard time recently - 2 mc in 6 months - one a mmc and one earlier one just this week. I’m the wrong side of 40. I’ve been a SAHP all my life and am finding adjusting to this part of my life very hard.

Dh is all “sorry!” “It was just a joke” “you’d have found it funny before” etc I’m just fed up with everything and feel my life has been reduced to tidying and cleaning. 2 of my dc have ASD And DH’s job also makes retraining for me near impossible.

Am I just being over sensitive? It would be the first time in my life I’ve been told I am!

Washing the cars, mowing the lawn, DIY

You'd have to do a HELL of a lot of DIY to make that comparable to running a home. and mowing the lawn these days is sitting on your arse on a sit on mower listening to podcasts. Oh, silly me, I forgot they invented washing machines so running a home with several teens and an idle DH is all a doddle nowadays.

If it was me, I wouldn't be WFH any longer if I couldn't be allowed a professional environment in which to work. There's a reason why cleaners in offices come in after hours to clean. Imagine being on an important call and 'oops, my husband wants to hoover, can I call you back?' The shame! Never mind the lack of professionalism!

Because skint, the sort of people that think that jokes are always OK regardless of the circumstances are often the sort of thoughtless types who go around saying things like cheer up it might never happen, when in fact it may very well have just happened....

Oh, silly me, I forgot they invented washing machines so running a home with several teens and an idle DH is all a doddle nowadays.

He's not idle though is he, he was WORKING. There is no implication that he doesn't do anything around the house anyway (just doesn't randomly take breaks from work to hoover)

Also, I suspect the DH didn't want to say 'my wife wants to hoover' as it would show what an unsuitable environment he was in to be working from home. To me it sounds like you disrespect his job and contribution.

@PBo83 good point, if you both have that kind of relationship where you both joke about each others roles ie he’s my cleaner/chauffeur/chef whatever it would be an inside joke and you wouldn’t be on here upset about it.

Doesn’t sound like OP’s relationship has that kind of teasing eachother. Being called a cleaner to your partners colleagues as a joke when you’re not usually jokey in that manner whislt OP is also going thro a lot of other things is plain demeaning and not funny.

I don’t tihnk it’s funny the way OP describes it, and she’s clearly hurt as the way her partner spoke of her to his colleague was clearly unexpected for her.

So you're all telling me, that you're WFH, on a call to your boss/a Director/a client and you'd take no issue with your husband coming in to tell you to lift your feet while he rudely hoovered around you? You're at work FFS.

OP does he have to WFH?

I would bet that the colleague he was on the phone to was a male colleague rather than a female one.

OP - your dh has some serious, and I mean serious grovelling to do after a comment like that.

Not funny ( I think he has probably Sussed that by now) but in case he hasn't remind him that is bad form for an employer to expect sexual services from an employee and that cleaning is not the same as cooking, ironng , looking after children,gardening ,washing clothes, shopping or any other services that he thinks are "cleaning duties".

The 'rights' and 'wrongs' of it as other people see them aren't really relevant IMO. It's how it made YOU feel. It clearly upset you, so there's a conversation that needs to be had. Hopefully once he understands he'll apologise and you can talk about making some changes to the way things currently stand.

So sorry for your loss.

OP, I get the feeling that your DH's "joke" was just the last straw, when you are overstressed and running on empty.
Please take some time to evaluate your life. How is it now, and how would you like it to be? What steps do you need to take to get there?
Look at the balance of chores in your house. Are your teenagers doing their fair share? If not, why not? Start delegating, stop being a willing, martyred doormat. Find your self respect, start prioritising your own needs instead of everyone else's.
Why do you have so few friends/social life/spare time? Is there an activity you've always wanted to try, a hobby or sport, an evening class, whatever? How often do you get out to the theatre, cinema, a nice restaurant? Does DH take you out?
I think you need a serious conference with DH about your needs and what you intend to do to make your life happier and less of a grind.
But this may also involve a bit of painful self examination on your part - are you emotionally invested in being the super mother, the martyr who is indispensable to keeping the home fires burning? Would it be difficult to relinquish this in exchange for some help at home and having a life outside it? Lots of questions to ask yourself, OP!
My prayers that you find a better balance in your life, that you learn to value yourself and recognise your own needs, and that you find happiness. God bless, OP.

From what she said, OP asked her H if she could hoover she wasn’t hoovering around her husband whilst he was on a call.

OP genuine question - when was the last time you had a proper day off or even a half day off, really actually off with no housework and no childcare?
Your posts sound like they might have an element of "keeping busy to not think about things" - you were back doing the school run the day after giving birth, you hoover 2-3 times every day, you have multiple dogs to look after, you have 8 kids, some with additional needs, and are feeding 12 people this evening - it all sounds like a recipe for having a serious burnout at some point or bad empty nest syndrome in the future.
Do you always run at 150% like this because you "have to"?
This ^^ and what babdoc said.
Who takes care of YOU, OP?

Is this you OP?

I agree it sounds as if you are running on all cylinders and need a break. Also, your DH should be banished to a man shed asap, working at the kitchen table is a PITA.

I think your DH was just joking and you are understandably over sensitive because of what you've been through. I'd just perhaps have a chat about how you are feeling atm. If you don't tell him you can't expect him to know that he needs to behave any differently from normal.

‘You have two kids with ASD... think I wouldn’t be looking to have anymore kids if I was you’

Really? Did you read the bit about the miscarriages or are you just naturally rude?

Op, his ‘joke’ wasn’t funny. Maybe you are being slightly over sensitive but you have every right to be. He should be looking after you.
Sorry for your loss.

If you were trying to make room to give medicine to a child, asked him to move upstairs and he said “just hang on a minute, my pediatrician has asked me to move”, would you feel as offended?

Sounds like your home set-up isn’t compatible for him working from home on Fridays and that’s bound to cause tension. Him working from the kitchen must be very disruptive.
Not sure what his work situation is, but if I was managing someone who was working from home, I’d expect them to be working from a designated work area, and not in a kitchen surrounded by 9+ people coming and going.

OP, I mean this kindly rather than in a judgy way, - you mention that you're having trouble adjusting to this new phase in your life, so is there any possibility that these attempts to conceive child number 9 are based on panic? It sounds like you're at the point where you might naturally have to move on to a new identity, post small babies. It's genuinely not easy when this has been your identity all your adult life, but you might have to sit with those feelings for a bit.

I think your H's joke was silly and not that funny, but it sounds like it touched on a sore spot, because you're at that point of needing to work out who you are now and for the future.

Will answer a few questions.

1. I have repeatedly asked DH not to work in the kitchen as it’s not compatible with people being in and out! He does sometimes use a different room if calls are not the more chatty Friday type. This is the 1st time ever I have asked him to move when working and he has done a day at home for many years. He has a very high level, senior job. We couldn’t support 8 children without it.
2. DH helps with cooking and cleaning the kitchen. Puts rubbish out. Prepares 2 packed lunches. I do ALL the cleaning for everywhere else (not teen bedrooms). I do all the nights and all the washing, drying folding etc I do all the parents evenings - arranging and going.
3. Teens do NOT do enough but partly out of my feelings of not wanting them to have to do things because they come from a big family - I don’t want them to resent it!
4. I am probably having a midlife crisis. DH isn’t.

@bibliomania I do actually agree. My main problem with the “joke” being that I have said EXACTLY what you’ve just said to me to my DH - that it’s highly probable they’ll be no more babies and I need to “find my new identity”. But he chose to make a “joke” knowing exactly how I feel! The problem is probably that he is not where I am in my life.

And just in case - no Dailymail - I DO NOT want featuring! Thank you!

I would actually be more upset at the ‘If looks could kill’, ‘I’m in the bad books’ comments. Calling you a cleaner could be misplaced affectionate teasing, but he followed up by making a joke to the other person out of you being upset, and in a bit of a ‘lads banter aren’t women silly and bossy’ type way.

Yep. I hate men doing that “Oops, i’m In trouble!” thing like something of a 70s sitcom.

Ok but honestly this is just banter and I do that kind of crap to my husband too amongst my friends. So no need to get op worked up