DH referred to me as "my cleaner"

[namechange1796]

So DH works from home on Fridays...using the kitchen as his office. He has lots of conference calls and it means is can be difficult when the kids are around/jobs need to be done. I needed to be at the Church for the Primary dc service and needed to get downstairs vacuumed before I went. Therefore, I asked DH to move so I could get the vacuuming done ...as a “joke” he said to the colleague “just hang on a minute, my cleaner has asked me to move” Then he followed it up with “the cleaner is actually my wife” “now I’m in the bad books” “if looks could kill I’d be dead now”

So as not to drip feed - I’ve had a hard time recently - 2 mc in 6 months - one a mmc and one earlier one just this week. I’m the wrong side of 40. I’ve been a SAHP all my life and am finding adjusting to this part of my life very hard.

Dh is all “sorry!” “It was just a joke” “you’d have found it funny before” etc I’m just fed up with everything and feel my life has been reduced to tidying and cleaning. 2 of my dc have ASD And DH’s job also makes retraining for me near impossible.

Am I just being over sensitive? It would be the first time in my life I’ve been told I am!

I call my DH my dishwasher and he does clean the floors more often than I do too. If you explain to your DH you do not find this funny and he doesn't do it again, it's fine.

Make him do his own laundry for the next week as punishment I say

Well, I've never been in your position, having never had an mc, not being an SAHP and generally not going through the things you describe (and I'm very sorry for them).

AND I would still be furious if my DP said something like that. Then again, I can't imagine him ever thinking it would be funny to say something like that.

I'm a staunch feminist yadde yadde and even I can see the lightheartedness in his tone, I mean to be pedantic did you really have to Hoover while he was on the phone is another consideration! I work from home sometimes and if DH started hoovering as I was on the phone I'd make a quip and feel a bit disgruntled tbh. But I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, I wouldn't blow this out of proportion though.

That is extremely unfunny and shows a basic lack of respect for you and what you do.
No man would ever refer to me as his cleaner and get away with it.

Probably over sensitive but it was a dick joke to make. I also have two dc with autism and it’s really difficult. When you’re struggling and in a not so good place sometimes stupid jokes go very far of the mark. If you ever want to chat do pm me.

Why on earth would you be doing the school run the day after giving birth? Did your husband force you to do so?

I think it was a bad, ill-judged joke OP, to be honest and you are being over-sensitive. Hiwever, as others have said, your reaction is totally understandable at the moment though. Be kind to yourself. Tell him you need some care and kindness at this time. I’m sure this was thoughtlessness, rather than malice. Take care.

If it were my husband it would genuinely be a joke, but I don’t think he would think it funny enough to make. I have no beef with him on any other score.

I wouldn’t hoover when he was on a work call. And working from home in kitchen is not sustainable.

weell if you start calling him a "customer" who uses your 'services" and who clearly thinks he is always right maybe he'll wisen up. It's not funny, I don't find it funny, I think it's quite arrogant of him. Basically, a "joke" at someone else's expense. it's never cool and it doesn't matter in what state a person is. Even saying this to an energetic person who feels great is not ok.

I would have a really low opinion of a man who made that joke to me about his wife.

Oversensitive. I'm usually the first to call out misogyny but I would totally say something like this.

'You needed to do the hoovering whilst dh was on business calls? Why?'

This. Why was it essential the hoovering got done at that very moment, while he was on a call? Tbh I think it might have been a (misjudged) sarcastic comment at the moment you had picked. I WFH and, due to our domestic set-up, am sometimes working in the kitchen when family is around. I'd not be impressed if dh started doing unnecessary and loud cleaning around me when I was talking to a client.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mcs I've had 6 myself and (I mean this very gently) I would have been leaving the cleaning at this point in my recovery. I understand the lack of family help - I'm in a similar position and have often been dealing with things sooner than others might - but it sounds a little extreme in your case. Is it a bit of a badge of pride for you to carry on regardless?

I think there are a few things going on here, with both you and dh, that this thread probably can't unpick.

@teallights I would never start vacuuming whilst he was on a call! He is often just listening in and during one of those moments I asked him
To move to an upstairs room so I could vacuum before I had to go out. If he’d said “no” I’d have had to fit it in later when I had 10 children to look after after school & prepare food for.

Actually no your not oversensitive it was a crass thing to say
As an aside you didn’t need to hoover when he’s working,why can’t he hoover when free?
I’m sorry to read about your mc, it’s physically & mentally arduous.do take care
Have a talk to him,explain how you’re feeling,check in how’s he doing?is he masking his feelings putting a brave face on

Defo a joke, albeit a bit insensitive.

My DH worked from home, I would never interrupt him with cleaning, particularly if was on a call.

I think you need to address the bigger issues.

You have 10 children to look after after school? Are you a childminder? If so, isn't that against ratios?

There is no wrong side of 40.

I often refer to dH as my dishwasher but I suspect that your issue is less exactly what was said and more feeling unfulfilled and taken for granted.

So, what can you change?

It sounds like he just has a shit attitude towards you in general, and this comment was just the final straw.

I can't believe he had you doing the school run just 24h after you gave birth - that is absolutely appalling behaviour. Why on EARTH didn't he do it? Presumably he was around to help you?

You have two kids with ASD... think I wouldn’t be looking to have anymore kids if I was you.

WTAF??????????

*@Mumofaprinny
*
You have two kids with ASD... think I wouldn’t be looking to have anymore kids if I was you

What is that supposed to mean?

@VanillaSugarry @MrsSchrute Exactly what I was thinking. What a crass and insensitive thing to say.

Hope you look after yourself OP. I think it was just an ill-judged joke from your husband. I'd explain to him why it hurt so much.