DH referred to me as "my cleaner"

[namechange1796]

So DH works from home on Fridays...using the kitchen as his office. He has lots of conference calls and it means is can be difficult when the kids are around/jobs need to be done. I needed to be at the Church for the Primary dc service and needed to get downstairs vacuumed before I went. Therefore, I asked DH to move so I could get the vacuuming done ...as a “joke” he said to the colleague “just hang on a minute, my cleaner has asked me to move” Then he followed it up with “the cleaner is actually my wife” “now I’m in the bad books” “if looks could kill I’d be dead now”

So as not to drip feed - I’ve had a hard time recently - 2 mc in 6 months - one a mmc and one earlier one just this week. I’m the wrong side of 40. I’ve been a SAHP all my life and am finding adjusting to this part of my life very hard.

Dh is all “sorry!” “It was just a joke” “you’d have found it funny before” etc I’m just fed up with everything and feel my life has been reduced to tidying and cleaning. 2 of my dc have ASD And DH’s job also makes retraining for me near impossible.

Am I just being over sensitive? It would be the first time in my life I’ve been told I am!

@namechange1796
What would happen if you suddenly were admitted to hospital with a major illness OP? I'm not wishing that on you but think for a moment. You are so gravely ill you cannot think about anything, let alone going home and taking up your current role of parent, child minder, Cook, laundress, "cleaner", general housekeeper etc. What would your family and, in particular your husband, do?

If they would be able to cope with the day to day stuff - because you're not there for quite some time to do it - why can't they do this now? Why is the whole of YOUR life taken up with this and not your husband's or your older children who are able to help?

Not going out more than four times in 18 years is not healthy or normal for most people.

Why would you feel you need to fit straight back in your slot (self-imposed or not) is right for you?

It sounds as though your confidence been dented by being a SAHP for so long, eg:

I was going to be a paediatrician (got into medical school but had a breakdown at 18). Ended up studying a medically based science degree in my early 20s but didn’t sit my finals as I had my first child.

I have literally devoted my life to being a sahp and supporting DH (we’ve had to move a number of times but don’t have to now). I’m very aware that this has led me to the place now where I am “the cleaner”, which is why it upset me. As a teenager I got the highest grades, played 3 instruments, I was in girl guiding, embroidered - I don’t do any of that now.

Don't you think it's time to find some space to be YOU and not only a function in your home? You may not want or feel able to look for outside employment or even local volunteering yet, but find something you'd like to do for for your own sake (eg: swimming, running/walking, music, join a choir or going to a library or a park and just reading). Perhaps take a look and see what access or other courses are available locally that you might be interested in.

Life is about more than duty OP. Take care. 🌹

Did you have little confidence in yourself to flunk your degree, then, knowing your capabilities, stayed at home, never starting the process of a career.
I don't think we know ourselves and use the 'easy' route (easy in that you aren't in a position where your work skills are under scrutiny like in a job) of devoted SAHM. Why did this happen? Did you have a dysfunctional parent? Anxious childhood? Perhaps counselling would help you change plan a future.

If I was on an important business call, I'd be seriously annoyed if someone prioritised vacuuming above it and interrupted me. Have you considered that perhaps your husband was embarrassed by your request and so had to make light of it by turning it into a joke to avert the awkwardness? Here he is discussing something that creates enough money to support a large family, and he's got to move so you can vacuum? Don't you see how that undermines his position with his business acquaintance?

If someone is on any phone call, you respect that. You don't do something that makes enough noise to drown out their conversation regardless of who they're talking to or what about. That's basic good manners and respect generates respect.

There are plenty of opportunities for you to grow and develop a career in your forties. You are academically bright and you have plenty of life experience. You are fortunate to already have one high household income, so can consider retraining for a job that you will enjoy.

Start with the National Careers Service website. They offer one to one appointments in libraries and you could take a personality test which may help you find a career to suit and build a skills based CV with them.
You may also consider starting your own business.

You can also find emotional support in your local library to talk about your losses with a counsellor.

SleepOhHowIMissYou nails it for me.

I wouldn't ever vacuum when Dh is on a conference call because working from home is a big benefit. His firm allows it and it needs to appear professional.

Contrary to a lot of what you read on Mumsnet working from home means exactly that working from home.

Working from home at the kitchen table is absolutely ridiculous!
He needs to work somewhere upstairs out of your way.

OP, you need to take some time for you. Designate a couple of evenings a week for your teens to do tea and take up line dancing or join a steel drum band.

If all your children are school age now, I would also find a job. It doesn't have to be your career dream but just something to get you out of the house, make some friends, have some work nights out to go on! A couple of shifts a week in Asda or school dinner lady for example.

It will do all your family good, as well as you, to see you are not just "the cleaner".

I can only work at the kitchen table, it's the only space we have. Has the OP said if he has an office? I don't see what's so ridiculous working in the kitchen when kids are at school.

It's ridiculous if someone else has to tiptoe around you. If you don't have the space to work at home then you can't work at home.

Q

i would be really upset if my dh ssaid that too. i don't think you are being at all unreasonable!

Hoovering three times a day is ridiculous, dogs or no dogs.

@Smoggle not vacuuming while someone is on a phone call isn't tiptoeing, it's common courtesy. I work from home one day a week quite happily at the kitchen table and am not going to stop because an internet snob think that's not an acceptable arrangement.

Do what you like Teal It’s clearly not working in the OP's house if she had to ask him to move so she can get on with her normal day though. I wouldn't accept someone trying to work at the kitchen table if I had kids all over the place.

@Smoggle it didn't sound like she had kids around the place, it sounds like ahe wanted to vacuum an unreasonable amount of times.

Pretty much the first line of her OP says him working at the kitchen table is difficult with kids around!

I am sorry you have had a hard time lately, I personally would laugh if DP called me the cleaner, I call him my sexy window washer when he has the sponge out.
Let it go, it was a joke that went wrong, it seems like DH is having a hard time after the few months you both have recent MC losses.
Unfortunately you can't blame him on your shared life choices to be a SAHP.

@Smoggle fair enough I didn't remember that from the op I assumed they were at school and I agree it's not appropriate to try to work around kids, have to say if I had 8 kids at home working at home would be the last thing I'd want to do, kitchen, office or even a west wing!!!

when the kids are around/jobs need to be done
I also took it the DC were not around yet, as OP used when.

Therefore, I asked DH to move so I could get the vacuuming done ...as a “joke” he said to the colleague “just hang on a minute, my cleaner has asked me to move” Then he followed it up with “the cleaner is actually my wife” “now I’m in the bad books”
He was on a call when you needed to vacuum, Can he work from his place of work on a Friday, is there any benefit to have him working from home, it sounds like he is in your way.

Babdoc: "Look at the balance of chores in your house. Are your teenagers doing their fair share? If not, why not? Start delegating, stop being a willing, martyred doormat."

I think this rings true. You and your husband have created a life together where the balance has you as a 'doormat' (insulting term, I'm sorry). The very fact you tell us that did the afternoon school run less than 10 hours after giving birth when you didn't have to (your husband wasn't at work so could have) suggests you relish the show of martyrdom. Until now.

But up to now it's the balance both you of have had been ok with. A situation were you are the one who's the one who defers. You even admit it yourself:

I have literally devoted my life to being a sahp and supporting DH (we’ve had to move a number of times but don’t have to now).

He may very well see you as 'the cleaner', or just find it funny to refer to you as such. It's obvious this is more that him saying this 'joke.

I strongly suspect your miscarriages have effected you mentally more than you realise. They do, and you've had the awful experience of two very close together. You need to allow yourself to mourn your losses.

You've suggested you see them as the end of your having children. Did you probably deal with your breakdown and the fact you didn't fulfil your desire to be a pediatrician? Has been a SAHM and devoting your life to supporting your husband been something you've used to distract yourself from dealing with it?

You’re in your early 40s I assume - you are still young with about another 40 years of life to go - think about how your like those years to look and make a plan. Even a baby step - go to a class or for a swim or a shopping trip - but without children. And then do this more regularly. Join a band or choir.

I don't see what the issue is of working from home is, is there the possibility you were doing 'pointed tidying'? As in wanting to make sure he noticed that you were doing housework? Surely if you have so many tasks to do in the house you could have done something else or taken a break or just foregone the hoovering of that room?

Apologies to any one who thought my saying that my kids have benefitted from me being a sahp. That was in response to a pp asking how I could give them all enough attention. I would be the first to say if I had worked full time I couldn’t give them enough attention. There may well be people out there who could give lots of children enough attention whilst working full time - I don’t think I could! So absolutely no criticising of working Mums/Dads/parents. My own parents didn’t come to much/any of our performances. Yes I did feel I missed out on having that support. Yes I did make a conscious decision for me to do it differently.
Re my degree. Unfortunately I had severe HG through-out my first pregnancy. Had moved 100miles away from the university (DHs job) and then got pre eclampsia when I should have sat the finals. I settled into my new role as wife and mother and didn’t then get her opportunity to go back and sit the final 2 exams. To the Pp who used the word flunked - I think that’s a bit harsh! I managed to attend all but a few lectures - often having to stop on the hard shoulder to be sick several times and got a 1st for my dissertation. I couldn’t help getting pre eclampsia!

Was he on the phone and you were hoovering near him?
Didn’t you interrupt his business call? X

Thanks for all the in put - I would have this removed now if I knew how! You’re a harsh lot on here!

settled into my new role as wife and mother and didn’t then get her opportunity to go back and sit the final 2 exams

You could have got the opportunity.

Until you start accepting that you are unhappy because some of the choices you made, you wont have the power to change it.

This is going to end up down the road of argument of SAHP/WOHP or whatever the anacroynm is, the role of wife and mother is not purely for SAHP!