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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:
NooNooHead1981 · 08/04/2019 11:15

Oh dear, I think this has put me off writing any potentially outing posts as you never know what might appear in the Daily Fail! 😱

Jessgalinda · 08/04/2019 12:43

@bluebell34567 you might want to read the thread

Acis · 08/04/2019 13:36

making sure my mum was ok was my priority

I think that's your main problem, OP. Your husband and children should be at least equal priority, particularly given that you have siblings to help your mother.

Acis · 08/04/2019 13:47

Your DH is being extremely U here because surely, anyone with an ounce of sense, would see that changing the dates like that is going to put you in a very difficult position.

No, @Pa1oma, anyone with an ounce of sense would see that gatecrashing a holiday would put the other people concerned in a difficult position. It is in no way unreasonable for the victim of that to take quick steps to sort the problem out.

In that situation, my mum wouid probably never speak to me again.

A parent who has put their grown-up child into this situation really has no right to get offended.

If he wanted you to just go as a family, he should have discussed it with you, like an adult.

Why? It's what most families do. It's never occurred to me, when booking a holiday, to have a long in-depth discussion with DH about whether he wants to invite all his family along, nor would I expect him to have that discussion with me.

as a PP said, it must be hard to find people to go away with.

Clearly not, as she found four others to go with at very short notice.

burnoutbabe · 08/04/2019 14:39

How much extra is this costing your family with the high handed rebooking the whole thing to change dates?

I'd be livid at the extra wasted expense of this., when you could simply avoid the family if desired.

Tennesseewhiskey · 08/04/2019 14:43

I'd be livid at the extra wasted expense of this., when you could simply avoid the family if desired.

Well they could could they.

Given the op actually did talk about this with her mum and told her mum it would be wonderful to all go together, then told the mum she would square it with the husband. I would bet the OP wouldn't want to avoid them at all.

OP tried to manipulate this situation and it back fired.

Cryalot2 · 08/04/2019 15:02

What a situation. Personally after rereading a few times, just to make sure I got it right. I think your mum is way off line.
Not only did she not consult You and your husband, she also booked your brother and sister to be there as well.
Your husband clearly wanted to spend time with you and the kids alone.
His reaction was a bit extreme

You say he is the main earner , but that should not mean that you don't have equal say on such matters.
Do you choose things together or does it be based on who is paying?
Does he make all decisions? No offence but just your comment on how he did this as he was the main earner.

I do hope that you can all enjoy your holidays despite this.
Maybe you will get time with your mum and siblings another time, as you do seem v close.

This would have been the end had either in-laws done on us. Now we never even mention to anyone where we stay.
Flowers

Motoko · 08/04/2019 15:22

she also booked your brother and sister to be there as well.

Not just brother and sister, but their partners as well!

Sooverthemill · 08/04/2019 15:31

You know you're now in the Daily Mail don't you?

ElizabethMountbatten · 08/04/2019 15:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

ChicCroissant · 08/04/2019 15:55

I hope the DM pointed out that it was the OP who wanted her mother and siblings to book the same holiday without telling her husband, in the hope that she could get her own way - or has the DM painted the husband as the villan of the piece without the full story as usual

No wonder the OP wants to leave the thread to think about it - her mother isn't going to be happy to be portrayed as somone wanting to gatecrash her child's holiday when she'd been led to believe it was OK all along.

I expect this will be another thread that gets deleted as the OP has shown themselves in a bad light Hmm

Jessgalinda · 08/04/2019 16:00

Not only did she not consult You and your husband, she also booked your brother and sister to be there as well.

The OP did know. She has the converstation with her mum about it woild be wonderful and she would sort it with her husband.

The mum then jumped the gun. She obviously expected the OP to get her own way. Probably happened in different issues before

Does he make all decisions? No offence but just your comment on how he did this as he was the main earner

OP has explained that he isnt like that.

ChicCroissant · 08/04/2019 16:18

From the OP's much, much later updates:-

She was interested when I told her about my holiday and how wonderful it would be if we all went together but I didn’t tell her to go ahead and book anything, I told her that if we were all to go together I’d have to speak to my DH first.

FFS OP, the Mail have printed this as if it's all your mother's fault when it was your idea! That is so unfair on both your mother and your husband. Incredibly selfish of you to do that. Let's hope it's a troll.

TitianaTitsling · 08/04/2019 17:32

Also team DH!

RoseReally · 08/04/2019 21:57

I think this was also discussed on The View today. They all have much love for their in laws!

emenos · 12/04/2019 11:30

I think there is a communication gap here, DH could have expressed his suspicion to wife then agree together on a decision. wife pls forgive DH you could have done same if you were in his shoes.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 04/08/2019 15:03

Your mum was being unreasonable. If she wanted a big family holiday, she should have discussed & organised with everyone. I think it's quite rude to muscle in on someone else's holiday plans without asking, just because it's something you want to do.

motherheroic · 04/08/2019 16:12

So you were the one that suggested it, and now your mother is being blamed? Cool.

TanyaChix · 04/08/2019 18:02

I’m with your husband. You do not just crash somebody’s holiday without asking if everyone concerned is happy for you to come along. It might be lovely and relaxing for you if she’s there but it clearly isn’t what he wants on his holiday. I don’t blame him. The dynamic totally shifts when your spouse’s mother is there.

TanyaChix · 04/08/2019 18:04

Ffs just seen that this is ancient - why are people dredging up months old threads?

DerbyMumOf1 · 21/08/2019 13:21

I am sorry that your DM is still grieving but i think it's very unfair that your DH is being made out to be so awful here and that you are saying you may never be able to forgive him if you miss out on the big family holiday together. What's stopping you all from planning another holiday together where everyone can discuss it together and be onboard?

I feel bad for your Dh here more than anything, you are very lucky to have a Dh that would arrange something so nice for yourself and DC .Cut the man some slack for crying out loud.

I will say however that just changing the dates like that was a little petty, and the bit where you said it was his right to change the dates because he earns most of the income, did he actually say that? Cos that's real sleazy if he did. You all need to communicate more and not just do what you all please.

HeyMonkey · 21/08/2019 13:28

Why has this been bumped after 4 months? I thought OP had come back with an update!

Windydaysuponus · 21/08/2019 13:30

Ffs expected an op update!

Scorpiovenus · 21/08/2019 14:29

Yes I'm with the partner too

your mum has no right and he probably just wants a nice little family holiday. Whats wrong with that. His heart is also in the right place. Id suggest see your mum other times but don't mix holidays, Your husband has a right if he paid for it too, as why should he pay for something he wont enjoy