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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 06/04/2019 13:11

Sorry op I’m with your DH. Your mum was very rude to invade your family holiday. I would be furious.

RedDogsBeg · 06/04/2019 13:15

I don't know Jessaglinda, he could equally become even more against the idea.

Nothing will be achieved without open and honest communication between OP and her husband, one where both sides hear and are prepared to listen to the other objectively without becoming defensive and judgemental.

Jessgalinda · 06/04/2019 19:00

Yes it could put him right off.

I dont think that should put op off at least trying.

But she does need to start being more honest. This proves that lying to spare feelings rarely works.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 06/04/2019 19:38

While I understand you and would not MY mum coming to something like this, if it was my MIL, I would vomit. I can't stand an idea of going on holiday with her, so if I paid for the fmaily holiday and it turned out she was coming, I would not go, at all. It is horrible in a way, but oh well.
We were thinking of going on a holiday with DP once and our child and she said she would come with us maybe to do childcare, and I was about to tell her I was planning to enjoy spending time with my kids and didnt need her help. I do not mind my MIL otherwise, we visit each other, but living under the same roof does not sit with me at all, so I kind of know where your DP comes from.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 06/04/2019 19:40

Also, your sister and brother coming too- why not invite his parents and sibling as well? I think while I understand your Mum, it was a bit selfish to just think of your side of family, not considering your husband at all.

coconutpie · 06/04/2019 21:32

Fair play to your DH.

This whole episode is actually YOUR fault, OP. You said yourself that when your DM brought up the subject of going on holiday, you said it would be wonderful but you also said that if she said she was going to book it then you'd think up an excuse as to why she couldn't join you on your holiday with DH and DC. So why on earth did you tell her it would be wonderful in the first place?! You knew your DH would not be up for this idea so why did you plant the seed in your DM's head then that this was fine, only for you to then tell her that no it's not fine.

This is all totally your own doing and you owe DH and your DM an apology I'm afraid.

fargo123 · 07/04/2019 05:30

Both you and your mother are manipulative.

Your OP gives the impression that your mother and two siblings booked the holiday without your knowledge. Then the truth starts to emerge that it's not only your three immediate family members, but two others as well, bringing it up to five extra people on your family holiday. No wonder your husband was quite rightly upset. Any normal person would be pissed off with five extra people inviting themselves on their holiday; even worse when their own spouse colludes behind their back to organise it as you have done.

It then also turns out that far from being completely unaware that this was going to happen, you were fully aware of it from the beginning from the discussions with your mother.

As you've been less than forthcoming with the reality of the situation in other areas, I have to question the validity of this statement. He paid ... so he saw it as his right to change the dates.
It sounds like you've put that spin on it, and that your husband didn't actually say/imply this at all. But good on him for doing it though!

Clearly a big family holiday wasn't all that important to your mother or family or you'd have all talked about it and started planning it way before now. The only remotely positive spin that I can put on this is that your mother is lazy, and thought it would be easier to just hijack your family holiday than go to the effort of planning it herself from scratch. But the reality is that she's manipulative and turns on the waterworks when caught out.

I have to say, it's fascinating reading a thread from the POV of the CF.

I would love to see a post about this from your husband's POV as I'm sure it would be very informative.

user1480880826 · 07/04/2019 05:41

I can see why he was paused off. Your mum hijacked your family holiday.

However, he can’t change the dates without consulting you just because “he paid for it”. He is your husband. He did NOT pay for the holiday. You both paid for the holiday. There are too many women on mumsnet who either don’t work or don’t earn much and therefore think their family owes the husband a debt of gratitude for earning money and that the money belongs to the husband. By the same logic do the children belong to the wife? Mothers who don’t work or work part time do so because they are raising a family, not because they just fancied some time off. When you have kids there is a collective pot of money regardless of who is paying into it and how much they are paying into it. Don’t ever let your husband claim he is funding everything.

MsTSwift · 07/04/2019 07:00

Spot on Fargo. Interesting to read the op
and to hear the justifications from the “other side” as usually posters are In the dh position. The first post is dripping with manipulation by both op and the mother. One wonders what other stunts have been pulled on the dh over the years hence his decisive action..

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 07:48

However, he can’t change the dates without consulting you just because “he paid for it”. He is your husband. He did NOT pay for the holiday. You both paid for the holiday.

If the thread is too long for you to read, you would be best not commenting. Because he didnt say that at all. That's ops spin. If you read the rest, you would see it's actually turned out that the OP was the one who suggested the family join her and manipulated the whole situation and is pissed off that it hasnt worked this time

You would read about an OP that thinks its fine to unilaterally make decisions for her husband and he should be expected to just go along with what her and her mother think will be 'wonderful' plans.

So the rest of your post isnt applicable either.

Lollipop19 · 08/04/2019 08:28

This is on the Daily Fail now I'm afraid!

Onlyinterestedincatchingben · 08/04/2019 08:36

The first post is dripping with manipulation by both op and the mother. One wonders what other stunts have been pulled on the dh over the years hence his decisive action.

Exactly what I thought.

NameChangeNugget · 08/04/2019 08:38

FairPlay to your DH Star

I think YABVU.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 08/04/2019 08:51

@Lollipop19 have you got the link? I love reading the comments 😂

Hopefully the DH sees it and knows how manipulative these people are and can put an end to it.

fargo123 · 08/04/2019 08:52

The first post is dripping with manipulation by both op and the mother. One wonders what other stunts have been pulled on the dh over the years hence his decisive action

Exactly.

This sounds like a man for whom this was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. The husband is the only one I feel sorry for here.

MellowMelly · 08/04/2019 09:03

@Lollipop19

Yes it is! Literally read the thread and popped online to Daily Mail and it’s fourth story down!

Lollipop19 · 08/04/2019 09:16

Top story on mine!!

Husband moves dates to avoid family holiday with his mother-in-law
mol.im/a/6891257

AIBU: Can't forgive husband
Jessgalinda · 08/04/2019 09:33

Odd that the DM didnt mention it turned out Op did have a clue and was in on changing the plans

countchuckula · 08/04/2019 09:44

The DM comments section seems all in favour of DH's actions too!

GreatDuckCookery · 08/04/2019 09:49

The DM are freaks. I doubt their readers give a toss about this!

countchuckula · 08/04/2019 10:02

Probably not - but the DM does draw heavily on MN for material for some reason...

saraclara · 08/04/2019 10:05

It's awful that this has reached the national media. The mother is bound to recognise herself, and though what she did was wrong, she doesn't deserve this. And the publicity could ruin the mother/daughter relationship too.

countchuckula · 08/04/2019 10:07

Yes, one of mine (under another username) reached the DM a couple of years ago. MN is such a popular site and gets raided regularly by the press. There are less popular forums that won't be picked-up, but then of course you don't get so many replies.

The other thing is, even if you get your thread taken down early on, it has likely already been copied to MN Trolls on Reddit and suchlike and will live on forevermore there.

The dangers of the web unfortunately Sad

bluebell34567 · 08/04/2019 10:34

i feel sorry for your dm.
she might have made a mistake not asking before booking but your dh so cold to change the dates like that.
it could be together this one time and the other times it wouldnt happen again because of this experience and you could have a nice big family holiday together this time.
how your dh will look at your dm face? i wouldnt lke him at all.

PCBristol · 08/04/2019 11:08

The last family holiday we had was 3 years ago. My in-laws invited themselves for a week out of our 2 week summer holiday, without telling me (mum and daughter agreed this was a good idea !). That was the last straw! This had been going on for years and it became almost an unwritten rule that they would come on every holiday, and her brother would also turn up for a few days. This left me always outnumbered and in apposition where there was no such thing as a family holiday. Their daughter accepted help whenever offered so they formed habits thinking they were in charge, particularly when it came to the children and their access. I totally get why your husband would not want the rest of the family there. I now go away every year with my new partner and my kids and it is a massive difference. We go everywhere as a family and do lots of things together that we never had the chance to do without the constant interference of the "extended family". I just cant see any justification as to why they would do this without any discussion first. That is control written all over it !

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