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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:
Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 18:25

A few people have asked how my mum managed to sort holiday with siblings - she went to travel agent with my sister and they booked it and rang my brother while they were there and said do you want to come too and he said yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 18:28

She was interested when I told her about my holiday and how wonderful it would be if we all went together but I didn’t tell her to go ahead and book anything, I told her that if we were all to go together I’d have to speak to my DH first. I think she just thought he’d be ok with it - but he wasn’t and it isn’t behaviour that I condone in any way. It was just a really weird thing for her to do!

OP posts:
Runmybathforme · 05/04/2019 18:33

I can see your husband’s point of view, I’d be furious with your Mum, I’d absolutely hate to go on holiday like this, especially with no consultation, but, just because he paid for it, doesn’t give him the right to act in such an arrogant manner. Your Mum was wrong, but he’s behaved like an arse. You’re poor Mum sounds so upset, he needs to suck it up and make peace with her.

FrancisCrawford · 05/04/2019 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedDogsBeg · 05/04/2019 18:42

She was interested when I told her about my holiday and how wonderful it would be if we all went together but I didn’t tell her to go ahead and book anything, I told her that if we were all to go together I’d have to speak to my DH first. I think she just thought he’d be ok with it - but he wasn’t and it isn’t behaviour that I condone in any way. It was just a really weird thing for her to do!

Am I reading this right - youdiscussed with your mum that it would be wonderful if you all went together? You know how your husband feels about family holidays and yet you sowed the seed for one? Were you subconsciously hoping if he was presented with a fait accompli he would just fall into line?

More and more am I understanding his reaction.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/04/2019 18:53

I’m going to tell my DH I’m very excited for our family holiday, that we should only book holidays together from now on, and tell my mum to never do anything like that again

Very wise of you, shoeshoe - as you also suggested, a good talk should clear the air very well

FWIW I think you've been brave to take so much on board, and especially to be so honest about some of the positions you've taken around your DH and DM. IME the worst problems happen where folk either can't or don't realise these things, so I'm confident you'll work it out Flowers

Tinkety · 05/04/2019 19:02

Sorry OP I still don’t understand, your siblings & their partners are booked on this trip, do all 4 them not work? Surely at the very least annual leave would need to be sorted out before going to an agent & booking?

I told her that if we were all to go together I’d have to speak to my DH first

You know full well though that your DH does not want to holiday with your mother / family so why did you say this? You should have told your mother no straight from the outset since you know his feelings on it & shut it down. You then should have broached the subject with him privately about doing a big family trip in the future so at least that way, he would have time to think it over without be cornered / pressured or thrown under the bus by you because by telling your mother you’d speak to him, that’s exactly what you’ve done. Im surprised you think you have the right to be angry at him to be honest.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 19:18

@reddogsbeg she said it would be wonderful not me - I just said anything like that would needed to be okayed by DH first.

OP posts:
Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 19:20

@tinkety yes they work - no idea how they got permission to go so quickly but they don’t work for big companies. My DH managed to book our holiday without telling me and just presumed I would get the time off!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2019 19:20

"She was interested when I told her about my holiday and how wonderful it would be if we all went together but I didn’t tell her to go ahead and book anything, I told her that if we were all to go together I’d have to speak to my DH first. I think she just thought he’d be ok with it - but he wasn’t and it isn’t behaviour that I condone in any way. It was just a really weird thing for her to do!"

Whoah, whoah, whoah, back up a bit there! Which of you said 'how wonderful it would be if we all went together', you or her? It's ambiguous how you've written it. If you said it, she took it as a done deal. If she said it, you didn't say 'no'! And frankly, just saying you'd have to speak to DH first was prevarication, wasn't it? Because you already knew his answer, you've told us that - "My DH just refuses to go on any family holiday with my mum and always has but I’ve never told her that because it would hurt her feelings."

So what happened here?

stacktherocks · 05/04/2019 19:23

Sorry OP I still don’t understand, your siblings & their partners are booked on this trip, do all 4 them not work? Surely at the very least annual leave would need to be sorted out before going to an agent & booking?

Lots of jobs are like this, it’s not unusual :) at mine we are guarantee whatever leave we want as long as we book it a couple of weeks or more in advance. It’s a real benefit of the job for me. But we’re a big company and everyone gets to do it so I don’t think it means anything is amiss.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 19:24

I think I’ll need to leave this thread now as have a lot to think about - but do appreciate all your detailed responses and questions.

OP posts:
Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 19:27

@whereyouleftit I had no idea she’d actually book something without asking me first..because then I’d be able to make an excuse like we just want it to be us this time as we need some family time etc etc . I didn’t want to tell her that under no circumstances would my DH do a big family holiday like that - that would have been cruel wouldn’t it? I

OP posts:
ScarletBitch · 05/04/2019 19:28

Your husband is a dick. He either changes the dates back to you all go, or you do not got at all. And just remind him, all the babysitting she does that benefits him will stop.

RedDogsBeg · 05/04/2019 19:29

Ah okay, thanks OP I wasn't sure if I'd read it right, I take back and apologise for my comment.

Please do think about what I said about your grieving process. I do think, as suggested by another pp, you would benefit from some counselling. After counselling it would be good for you to talk to, and hear, how your husband feels.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 05/04/2019 19:30

No it wouldn't have been cruel. And look at all the grief it would've saved you all.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 05/04/2019 19:31

@ScarletBitch and then I'd remind OP that If she didn't get her mother to back off all that pay check that he brings home would leave as well as him in the divorce.

DistanceCall · 05/04/2019 19:31

She was interested when I told her about my holiday and how wonderful it would be if we all went together but I didn’t tell her to go ahead and book anything, I told her that if we were all to go together I’d have to speak to my DH first. I think she just thought he’d be ok with it - but he wasn’t and it isn’t behaviour that I condone in any way. It was just a really weird thing for her to do!

To me it sounds like you are faaaaar too attached to your mother, OP. I'm not surprised by your OP's reaction. It may come to a point in which you'll have to choose between your suffocating mother and your marriage. Your choice.

DistanceCall · 05/04/2019 19:32

I didn’t want to tell her that under no circumstances would my DH do a big family holiday like that - that would have been cruel wouldn’t it?

Wanting to go on holiday with just your partner and your children is not cruel. It's normal.

RedDogsBeg · 05/04/2019 19:38

I think it is more cruel to let your mum believe your husband might do a big family holiday and let her live in hope, far better to be honest from the outset that it is not an option. This situation and all the upset associated with it arose because of just such a lack of honesty didn't it?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2019 19:38

"that would have been cruel wouldn’t it?"
I think you're now experiencing what 'cruel to be kind' feels like. The little 'cruelty' would have been kinder in the end. And didn't even have to be cruel. 'Well Mum, DH has always said he loves his holidays because we get to be just us four, it's really important to him - I'm really not sure he'd go for that. I can ask, but I wouldn't get your hopes up.' And then a change of subject.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing (and totally useless). Sorry.

As you say, you've got a lot to think about. I hope one of the things you'll think about is how you interact with your mother. Many of your posts suggest you do centre her a lot, and that you feel guilt. Think about why you feel guilty? Because I think it's skewing your relationship with her, and that's not healthy for either of you. Best wishes.

happymum12345 · 05/04/2019 19:45

Oh dear. I think you will have to forgive your DH, although it may take time. Your mum made a mistake and had the best intentions. Moving forward, go on holiday with your own family and then plan a holiday for next year or perhaps a long weekend away with your mum and children. You know more than most, how precious life is. Don't waste time feeling sad about this. All of you can enjoy a holiday separately and then together.

FrancisCrawford · 05/04/2019 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Livelovebehappy · 05/04/2019 19:52

I totally understand that you’re torn on this OP. When you lose a parent, you do feel that you should fill the void left, and the left behind parent automatically clings to you through fear and grief. My DM is the same and we did take her on holidays with us for a while, but then it started to cause resentment with DH so we no longer take her. I feel very sad that she can’t establish a little bit of a life outside of her DCs because it does put pressure on us to provide her with days out etc.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/04/2019 19:53

I think what you were doing is setting your DH up a bit. You knew he would say no, you just didn't want to look like the bad guy. My DP and DM do this all the time with people and it's so annoying.

I'm with your DH on this.