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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:
Maxineputyourredshoeson · 05/04/2019 11:36

Sorry OP I agree with your DH. I’d be absolutely furious if my own DM did this.

If you had agreed an extended family holiday together and then your DH had decided to change the dates I could understand but that’s not what happened. Your DM decided to book without even discussing it with you.

araiwa · 05/04/2019 11:37

What a hero dh is

Changed dates to tell mil a very clear message. The only decent communication between the lot of you in this shambles

Ironymaiden · 05/04/2019 11:37

Your mum is the CF here.

MRex · 05/04/2019 11:37

Your mum was out of order to book without asking and that should have been explained to her. That said, when it's already done my DH might call it cheeky but he'd go along with it the one time, there must be a backstory or changing the dates seems childish and cruel.

Marinated · 05/04/2019 11:38

Yes you're being unreasonable. You say your mum helps out a lot, which is lovely, but implies that she's very involved. Again that is fine if both partners are in agreement to this - but your husband has the right to have some quality time away with just his immediate family and not have Mil, Bil and Sil tag along. She didn't ask you first because she didn't want to risk you saying no.

I get it's hard! my mum is recently bereaved also. But even still, she wouldn't dream of crashing one of her kids big family events without checking in first. It is not your husband's job to sacrifice a hard earned big family holiday for your mother's 'dream' and you shouldn't resent him for not accepting he has no choice or say in the matter.

FriarTuck · 05/04/2019 11:38

This is the bit I take issue with - He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. so effectively you are a non person with no rights or feelings, no equality in decision making?
To be honest though I suspect that this was more lashing out angrily than what he really thinks. He's pissed at MIL for buggering his lovely planned holiday but can't have a go at her so has to make do with sniping at OP instead.

Stormwhale · 05/04/2019 11:39

I'm 100% with your husband on this one.

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 11:40

You all need to learn to communicate!

*Your Mum booked to join your holiday without asking you first.
*Your DH changes the holiday dates without speaking to you first.
*You and your DH aren't discussing his feeling about why he wants this holiday without your Mum coming along.

My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving

Your Mum sounds lovely and is going through bad times, but maybe it's all been a bit intense recently and your DH wanted a getaway from all this?

suckstobemeee · 05/04/2019 11:40

Big family holidays only work if everybody discusses it first and then agrees, along with setting any ground rules. They are NOT a success if anybody resents anyone or feels forced into it. I have been on several family holidays and believe me, even the closest family need to discuss expectations.

Your family were hugely out of order to presume that they would be welcome. It was rude not to discuss it first.

Sorry but I'm with your husband. It doesn't matter how much he gets on with them, there are boundaries.

Absolutely discuss with him about in the future, but no he was not unreasonable.

floribunda18 · 05/04/2019 11:41

Mum should have spoken to you first, but so should DH. Can he not see the benefits of having your mum with you to babysit?

It's so much easier when you go away with other adult relatives if you have small children! As long as you all get on, which you do.

WarmCoffee · 05/04/2019 11:41

Unfortunately your mum was in the wrong here, by booking herself and your siblings into your family holiday without asking.

The polite thing for your husband to do would be to just leave it - but then, that’s what your mum was banking on, right? If she thought you’d both be overjoyed at the suggestion of her being there to help with childcare, she would have been open with you. Fact is, she knew there was a chance that you or your husband wouldn’t be happy with her and her children tagging along, and she did it anyway - fully expecting that you’d feel it was too awkward and impolite to move the dates, so she would get her own way.

I quite admire your husband for calling her bluff on it really. I think she has been quite manipulative. If she wants a big family holiday, she can organise it herself.

lunar1 · 05/04/2019 11:43

It's your mum you should be cross with not your husband.

Ginnymweasley · 05/04/2019 11:45

If your mum wanted big family holiday why didn't she just ask you all to arrange one with her? What she did was incredibly rude. I'm not surprised your dh was pissed off, you cant just invite yourself on someone else's holiday. His reaction may have been a bit heavy handed and I would definitely pull him up on the earning more rubbish but ultimately your mum was the one that caused this by being very rude.

OKBobble · 05/04/2019 11:45

Team DH here too. Who bloody thinks it is ok to invite yourself (plus other family members) on someone else's holiday!

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 05/04/2019 11:47

While I get why he had a problem with what your mum did- Changing the booking without discussing it because he 'makes the money' is fucking outrageous.

I'd be furious. You need to speak to each other when you have a concern, not make sweeping harsh decisions in order to prove a point.

What a dick.

Serialweightwatcher · 05/04/2019 11:48

Your mum was in the wrong to do that without discussing it first, but also your DH could have spoken to your mum and you before just cancelling it and re-booking - he didn't have to upset her or you in that way

clairemcnam · 05/04/2019 11:48

It is not up to your partner to decide something because you earn less than him. Is this a pattern with him?

Blondebakingmumma · 05/04/2019 11:48

I’m with your hubby!

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 11:49

This reminds me of the Kath & Kim episode "Holiday" where Brett wants a getaway with wife Kim and the baby (they are living with Kim's mum and it's all a bit crowded). They book a holiday and Kim's mum invites herself and her guy and then Kim's friend cries she'll be lonely and they feel duty-bound to invite her too. Kim says her mum can babysit and give them free time, but Brett would really much rather have gone without her. No-one listens to Brett though - they never do!

They end up going on holiday and are more on top of each other than ever Grin

MNSDKHheroines · 05/04/2019 11:49

Your mum attempted to gatecrash what sounds like a better than normal holiday. If she can afford to pay for 3 people to go then why hasn't she previously suggested a cheaper holiday for all 7 of you in the UK? It seems to me it's not so much the being together that is the attraction it's the nice holiday.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 05/04/2019 11:50

Big family holidays are fantastic. But only where they are discussed and agreed first.

Am Shock and Angry at your mum just wading in. Am also a little Shock at your just DH changing the dates. It effectively leaves you to rebuild the relationship.

Springwalk · 05/04/2019 11:50

Your mother should have discussed this with you first.

Your dh really isn't responsible for your mother being upset. I can't think why she would automatically assume everyone would be okay with this.

In the nicest possible way your mother might be great company for you, but your dh may feel less enthusiastic having to spend an entire holiday with his MIL. In any event you both should have had the time to discuss it in detail and make a decision together.

YABVU

CheshireChat · 05/04/2019 11:50

Seeing as the OP's mum is still grieving, I think she should get some leeway.

Also, he can't rely on her whenever it suits, but kick off when she does something he doesn't like.

Is he at least likely to do 50% of childcare on holiday or will it be left to you?

His attitude towards family decisions is pretty appalling.

aposterhasnoname · 05/04/2019 11:51

I’d be furious alright, with your mother.

PineapplePatty · 05/04/2019 11:52

I'd kill my mum for doing that, but then again she wouldn't dream of it without asking us.

Your DH is right.