AIBU: Can't forgive husband

[shoeshoebadoo]

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

My ils did this to us once. Asked if we wanted to go on holiday, we said no thank you. They booked, then we booked, then they cancelled and booked the same place as us for the same time. They tried to make out it was accidental. I bit my tongue and went along with it and had a horrible time. I wanted quality time with my family and ended up.doing what everyone else wanted and standing back whilst the grandparents took over with my dd and dh behaved like a kid on holiday with his parents. I hated it. I swore I would never put up with being treated like that again. Sorry, op. I understand you dont want to let your mum down, but you need to.consider your dhs feelings too.

@Livelovebehappy

You're so right. I remember that just after my FIL's death, an elderly family friend, who was had been a widow for some years, spoke about the lonely road that my MIL would have to face.

My DH said, 'It's up to us to make sure she isn't lonely.' I said to him, 'She's lost her beloved DH, we can't make up for that whatever we do.'

It's hard, I do get that, OP. But your DM needs to come to terms with her grief herself, you can't make it go away.

Sorry OP, having read your subsequent posts I agree that you totally set up your DM here.

🤔 I’m starting to wonder if it shouldn’t be your DH ‘forgiving’ you. Intentionally or not it sounds like you set up this situation to happen but because you didn’t ‘push the button’ you’re blaming your DH/DM.

My mother is very similar to yours (as I said) and if I told her ‘how wonderful it would be if we could all go together’ she would take that as a go ahead and get excited.

I'm with your DH too. Your DF died "many years ago" yet your DM is still grieving to the extent she does everything for you?! Why does she? You sound unhealthily entwined tbh. She needs to back off and forge her own life.

The daily rags will be looking at this soon.

It sounds like rather than tell your dm when she asked that you were just planning to vacation together as a family, you told her you'd check with dh and would blame him in the end. What did you plan to tell her the next time she asked? You know dh doesn't want to vacation with her.
I think the fact you are concerned about being a "good daughter" and the fact your mum is hysterical because your dh changed dates, says there is something very unhealthy going on here. Your mum should not be your number 1 priority for the last 6 years. It's awful what you all have gone through but you have a dh and children and they are your priority.

@shoeshoebadoo my family are lucky enough to go on multiple holidays every year. One is always with (widowed) MIL and one with my parents. I adore MIL but would be extremely annoyed if she tried to hijack my "private" family holidays. Especially if she invited other people without even consulting me. I would probably refuse to go. Same goes for my DM. However if she asked first I would more than likely say yes she could come.

Would it be possible for you and your children to do both holidays? stay the original dates with your DM and then greet DH when he arrived? (or the other way round depending on dates)

So you DID know she was planning to hijack your holiday!

YABVU

I’m with your husband. All parties needed to agree to this and be happy with the arrangement. He’s not and it seems like you and your mum put him in a position where you both liked the idea and he was expected to go along with it, whether it was what he wanted or not. A holiday is his time to relax and unwind, and clearly having his mother in law there wouldn’t have been relaxing for him.

I’d be annoyed if my MIL gatecrashed our holiday without asking first.

I totally get why the OP’s DH acted as he did. He planned a holiday for his family. His MIL unilaterally decided that this would now become her dream family holiday, then his wife sided with her DM against him and pressured him to just suck it up. The man was pushed into a corner and I don’t blame him at all for kicking back. Yes, he was a dick to pull the “my money, my decision” thing, but it likely came from a place of frustration.

I also suspect that this is far from being the first time the OP has put her mother before her marriage, but I also think that this dynamic has become so ingrained that they don’t even realise it’s happening.

Sadly, lots of us with grown up children are widowed. it's sad, but it doesn't buy us special status years on from the loss. It's been seven years for me, but even in that first year I wouldn't have pulled a trick like this, nor should anyone have forgiven me if I had.

Either Mum is milking this for her own ends, or the OP, by keeping mum too close, isn't letting her move on. We need to build new lives, not leech off our children's lives.

For all the "red flags" that the "D"H is apparently giving off, posters seem to be blind to the "red flags" that the OP and her "D"M is giving off.

It seems that what this really boils down to is that the "D"H wants to set more boundaries. The OP can't say no to her "D"M and the "D"M does what she wants.

How old is your mum?

Yabu
From your latest post it seems you played a significant role in setting this up (even if it was unintentional). Your dm was only thinking about herself. Feel sorry for your Dh though he did respond in a horrible way (suspect this was the final straw for him)

I didn’t want to tell her that under no circumstances would my DH do a big family holiday like that

So why on Earth is this an AIBU and why can’t you forgive him? You KNEW he wouldn’t want that !!

In all honesty YABU and I don’t blame your DH. If my MIL did that I’d flip my lid.

It is actually down to you to resolve it but he took the reins and changed the dates - probably because he knew you wouldn’t have done anything about it

Wow. Your dm doing that is shocking. She should have asked. Yabu. I can totally see why your dh changed tthe dates. Next time all of you talk as adults!

Feel so bad for your DH. I do think there should have been a conversation before moving the dates but I also see how he would have felt about this.

The more recent posts make it worse.

You discussed it with her and talked about it bring a family holiday, even though you knew dh wouldn't be up for it.

I assume you expected him to moan but then just go along with it. But your mum messed it up by jumping in.

Again, reading between the lines, I wonder if this happens a lot. You and your mum discuss something, you say that you need to speak to dh. You mum knows that means it's a done deal and he will have yo go along with it.

How old is your mum?

I asked this too. Initially I had visions of an 80 year old but now I’m wondering if the Mum is about 55.

Yep, all clearly set up by the OP and her mum.

Poor DH.

And I agree that it's sad for the OP's mum that her husband has died (and sad for the OP and her siblings too,) but this is very unfair on the DH's husband.

I find it very hard to believe that the OP wasn't in on this all along (with the mother AND the siblings.) No way could all this have been planned on a whim. Some precision planning went into this.

Like the siblings suddenly being able to get a fortnight off at a week's notice. No employer would allow that, no matter how anyone tries to insist their employer would be fine with them having a fortnight off at the drop of a hat. The vast majority of employers would not permit this.

Only if you were on zero hours contract, (or possibly if you were self employed with very little work on,) would this be a possibility. (It would even be a struggle for many people with their own business or a very busy self employed job, to just swan off for a fortnight, at the drop of a hat.)

@shoeshoebadoo

I am sorry you lost your father OP, and I feel for your mother, but at least be honest about all of this. You planned it, and your husband had every right to veto it.

I think this is what what most are missing when they think it's disgusting that the husband changed it without checking.

They are missing that it's been clear that OP discussed this her mother from the start. Which she is now admitting.

OP talked to her mum about it

The mother assumed the op would get her own way so booked

The op expected him to moan but put it with it anyway

The mother clearly did discuss it with the other siblings.

This was all done without HIS knowledge on the presumption he wouldn't be happy but would put up with it.

How is that ok? Yes he changed the plans, after everyone else all put the wheels in motion to change it and then changed it without consulting him at all.

They did the dh up like a kipper! Then didn’t like it when he stood up for himself and the guilt tripping failed to work and then op thinks she can’t forgive him! Pretty outrageous tbh. Good for him. My dh is very reasonable but would be furious if anyone hi jacked our precious family holidays without consulting. Totally different dynamic going with family.

By changing of the dates of the holiday OP's dh has made it absolutely clear to OP's mum and siblings that he doesn't ever want a big family holiday with them. It would have been far better and a lot kinder if OP had been honest in the first place, it would have prevented this whole issue and the resulting fall-out.

Not telling the truth has led to:

OP going apeshit at her mum
OP's mum crying and distressed
OP's husband being backed into a corner and undermined and reacting accordingly
OP upset and angry with her husband for not falling into line and not wanting to forgive him for a situation she caused

All that caused by the lack of a simple, honest conversation.

By changing of the dates of the holiday OP's dh has made it absolutely clear to OP's mum and siblings that he doesn't ever want a big family holiday with them.

That may not be true. He may be open to doing once, if OP is open and honest, tells him how much it means to her to do it and they plan it all together.

I agree with the rest though. And wonder if the OP is just actually mad at herself and projecting it on to her husband, because she has caused it.