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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:

cliquewhyohwhy · 05/04/2019 11:25

I'm sorry but I'm with your partner on this, I'd be furious about not being asked it was ok. Imagine if your in-laws had booked on without asking first!

LellowYedbetter · 05/04/2019 11:26

I can see both sides. If I was your husband I would have been furious, plus your mum should have asked you first if it was ok.

But on the other hand, your poor mum. Trying to do something nice and then having it backfire so drastically

Cheeserton · 05/04/2019 11:26

I'm really sorry, but even though perhaps he should have discussed it with you better first, I see where he's coming from. You just don't crash other people's holidays like that without consultation, and I can totally see why he was deeply unimpressed. Your mum needs to learn to ask and discuss first.

DrVonPatak · 05/04/2019 11:26

In the nicest way possible, you all need to get a grip and stop acting like children.

PeanutButterBrownie · 05/04/2019 11:27

I can see your DHs side. This could've all been avoided if your DM had spoken to you first

Karigan195 · 05/04/2019 11:28

I suspect your DH was looking forward to his family holiday with you and to suddenly have the pressure of your family wading in without any agreement or discussion was too much. If you book a big family holiday normally you do it knowing that that is what you are letting yourself in for. No matter how well he gets on with your family theybring added pressure and responsibilities he did not expect.

NotSorry · 05/04/2019 11:28

have a look back at posts from horrified daughter in laws whose parent in laws have muscled in on their holiday

sorry, I'm with your DH - your mum should have discussed it first

YABU

BlingLoving · 05/04/2019 11:29

His response was high-handed and autocratic. But he has every right to be furious at your mum's behaviour. Your mum is clearly a huge part of your lives, and a great help to you. Perhaps for your DH, the opportunity to just be the four of you was pretty appealing and was one of the things he was most looking forward to.

Clearly your dad dying was traumatic and is effecting very much how you all still interact with each other. But ultimately, your DH probably is just desperate for a break with HIS wife and HIS DC, and not have to be with the grieving MIL, BIL and SIL.

pointythings · 05/04/2019 11:30

YABU and I am completely with your DH on this. Your mum was a CF doing this without getting agreement from both of you. If you want a big family holiday, you and everyone involved need to plan it together and make sure everyone is on board with it.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 05/04/2019 11:31

Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first

Step back and tell us you'd be happy if your MIL or SIL did the same - no you wouldnt. It's a courtesy to ask .

Mind you that said, DH should have run it by you that he was chnging dates.

There is a whole load of non-communication going on, but ultimately your DM caused this. She should have asked, she should also respect the fact that you/DH might like a private holiday away from family dynamics.

This is the bit I take issue with - He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. so effectively you are a non person with no rights or feelings, no equality in decision making?

GreatDuckCookery · 05/04/2019 11:31

Why doesn’t he want your family to go with you all? I can see his side of this too if I’m honest, as lovely as she maybe she was wrong just to book herself on your holiday.

BlueSkiesLies · 05/04/2019 11:32

Too hard to call. Your DH might be a massive arse but equally going say with your mum and sil and bil might be his worst nightmare so why should he have that imposed on him?

Your mum was very silly to book without discussing and I actually suspect she did it like that as she knew you/he would say no!

EmiliaAirheart · 05/04/2019 11:32

You're being ridiculously unreasonable, sorry.

First up, your post doesn't make a lot of sense. Which is it - the last big family holiday together or a holiday where it's unlikely you'd spend loads of time together anyway?

But the main point is, I understand your mum is grieving, but her actions were self-centred and interfering. The fact that she's 'gutted' about something she never had any right to, and crying about it, is unnecessarily dramatic. So are you, with the catastrophising that you'll regret missing out on a big family holiday. What's stopping you actually planning one, and getting everyone on board?

If anyone should be annoyed, it's your husband who now has been painted as the villain for no reason. Can you really not see how he would want a holiday by yourselves, to spend time with you and your children, and childcare assistance wouldn't be necessary during that time? It's not his right as the income earner to change the dates, but it is his right to spend his annual leave on a family holiday as originally planned.

Frannibananni · 05/04/2019 11:32

He has handled it badly but I do agree with him.

malificent7 · 05/04/2019 11:32

What DrVonPatak said.

adaline · 05/04/2019 11:32

Your mum is massively out of order here.

I'm not surprised your DH is pissed off.

Sculpin · 05/04/2019 11:33

Your mum and your DH are both in the wrong here. Both should have had the decency to discuss it before making decisions affecting others.

MeredithGrey1 · 05/04/2019 11:33

While I wouldn't have appreciated his attitude of "I paid for it so I can make any changes I want", I am generally with him on this and think your mum should have checked. I would not be impressed by my in-laws turning up on my holiday.
(As an aside, why didn't she check - was it because she wanted it to be a surprise, or because she thought that she might be told no?)

MsVestibule · 05/04/2019 11:34

Good grief, your DH is NBU (apart from pulling the 'I earn more so I decide' card, which is VU).

I get on well with my family and ILs (mostly) but I'd be furious if they did this to us! If your mum wanted a big family holiday, she should have suggested you do that sometime, rather than just present it as a fait accompli.

femidom12 · 05/04/2019 11:34

You all need to grow up - pathetic.

FriarTuck · 05/04/2019 11:34

I can understand your mum being upset but I can totally see DH's point of view. She didn't check with either of you first and he goes from having his lovely family holiday to having a holiday with not only his MIL but his SIL and BIL too. Totally changes the holiday.
There's nothing to stop you booking a holiday with everyone next year or the year after. But it needs to be discussed and agree beforehand, not dropped on someone.

maddening · 05/04/2019 11:35

I would book another hol with dm and siblings and the dc

ilovesooty · 05/04/2019 11:35

I'm sorry for your loss and the grief you are experiencing but I'm afraid I'm with your husband too. Your mum should have checked with you both before she did this.

Xyzzzzz · 05/04/2019 11:35

It it was the other way round and your MIL Booked to go with SIL and BIL and didn’t tell you then I guess you’d be upset. That’s probs how your DH feels. I agree with him on this. Just a discussion from your mum was needed first.

Hollowvictory · 05/04/2019 11:35

Yabu. Not every wants their holiday to include their in laws. Enjoy your holiday rather than seeing it as missing out on someone else's holiday.

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