Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:
honeyrider · 05/04/2019 12:06

YABVVU and it's your manipulative mother you should be angry with. Well done to your DH for not being railroaded by your mother, he knows how manipulative your mother is unlike yourself who seems conditioned to it.

Billben · 05/04/2019 12:06

My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue."

So she should be.

I’m with your DH on this one. Your DM was bang out of order and I’d be livid if any family or friend of mine had done this without speaking to us about it first.

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 12:07

With regards my mum, I've learned over the years never to accept her help. It comes with too high a price. She feels that she "owns" me.

Not saying your mum is as heavy-handed as mine, OP.

LittleOwl153 · 05/04/2019 12:09

I would not be going on holiday with a Man who felt that because he earns more (presumably because you are looking after his children - or have lowered your career to care for them previously) he gets to dictate what the whole family does and when.

I think your mother was pushing her luck - but that for me is a side issue.

QuickThinkOfAName · 05/04/2019 12:10

Your mum was out of order. Who the hell invites themselves on someone else’s holiday? I’ve seen plenty of threads on here with mil tagging along and they were all rightly slammed.

Frankly I’m with your dh. You say about the money you don’t have a say. Is that your opinion or does he control your finances? If it’s just this one occasion where he hasn’t asked you (I don’t blame him your reaction isnt great) then I wouldn’t be worried. If there’s more to it then you have a problem.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 12:11

Why is everyone assuming the ops father passed away recently, when your OP days 'many years ago'?

That's still no excuse for doing what she did. And I bet if it was the ops mil not would be telling her to go along with it.

I cant believe how many people are saying he should have got annoyed but then gone along with it anyway. Or he shouldnt have changed the dates.

I bet if the DH posted, this isnt the first time she has done something like this.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/04/2019 12:12

I think your dm is by far the root of the issue - it is a struggle to believe she couldn't see that it was unreasonable to book on to someone else's holiday without asking them. I do wonder if she saw a way to have the family holiday she wanted and thought you'd go with it once it was booked.

But your dh is unreasonable for not discussing the situation with you and making a joint decision. It doesn't matter who earns the money, it is a family decision.

QuickThinkOfAName · 05/04/2019 12:12

Whoa apologies for the double post. Mumsnet is being dodgy on my phone

Tinkety · 05/04/2019 12:12

YABVVU and it's your manipulative mother you should be angry with

Actually from her OP & the thread title, I think the OP is every bit as manipulative as her mother.

TheSerenDipitY · 05/04/2019 12:12

He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates.
all i got from that is he can do what he wants with HIS money and you should sit down and shut up... is your money his too? or does he let you keep a little?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 05/04/2019 12:13

I’m booking all my holidays and not telling anyone now.

^ Everyone take note!!

Your Mum was totally out of order for doing what she did (and I do wonder how much you colluded as she obviously knew all the details Hmm).

Your DH was not wrong at all to change the dates but I can see why your Mum would be upset. Don't be caught in the middle (esp. as you seem to be siding with your Mum), but do tell them they need to have a chat and make up so everyone can move on and maybe look to book the big family trip in the future.

Let this be a lesson for CFs everywhere Grin

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 12:14

all i got from that is he can do what he wants with HIS money and you should sit down and shut up... is your money his too? or does he let you keep a little?

Or maybe he doesnt. Hut that's how OP views it.

Or maybe she dropped that in for sympathy? Like she has dropped her fathers death, many years ago as an excuse for her mothers behaviour.

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 12:15

He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates

Did he actually SAY this or is this just what you have surmised?

Maybe it's more that money is tight and this holiday was very precious to him and he was determined it wouldn't be crashed?

When last did you guys get to be alone on a holiday, I wonder?

ChuckleBuckles · 05/04/2019 12:16

My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue
So she is still trying to guilt you OP, eh? Your DH seems to have the measure of her, and how often is your father's untimely death trotted out to get her own way? I am not being insensitive but this is like it is scripted as I have experience of similar in my family, the tears and grief only seem to happen when people have priorities of their own that do not suit my particular griever.

As for your DH and his caveman "Me earn, me decide" routine, is he always like this or is he at the end of his tether and feels ignore and unheard in his own marriage as MIL has her two pence worth in all family matters?

Seaweed42 · 05/04/2019 12:16

You are being pushed around by your two 'masters'. If your Mum is like this, it's no accident you ended up with a controlling husband.
Your Mum didn't ask your permission. She expected you to have No say in the matter. Your opinion is of no concern to her. What matters is that she is always in control.
Your DH didn't ask your permission. He expected you to have No say in the matter. Your opinion is of no concern to her. What matters is that he is always in control.

ItWentInMyEye · 05/04/2019 12:17

It's your mums fault, followed by your acceptance of her behaviour.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 12:17

My father's death was 6 years ago - It was a big shock to our family and I guess I do feel so sorry for my mum that I am blinkered to her behaviour.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 05/04/2019 12:18

MIL gatecrashing the holiday?

Hell no.

Seaweed42 · 05/04/2019 12:18

no concern to him*

AryaStarkWolf · 05/04/2019 12:19

#Team DH

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 12:19

I am sorry about your dad. Its awful.

But she cant keep rolling this out as an excuse 'I wanted a big holiday together since I lost your dad so horrifically'.

Its really manipulative.

You say you are blinkered to her behaviour....this isnt a one off is it?

NW2SW · 05/04/2019 12:19

It's a very shitty that both your DM and DH believe it's ok for them to make decisions on your behalf and without your consent. Also your siblings, did they really think this was a smashing idea?

I do side with your DH more on this occasion, but his behaviour was still shitty.

Can you suggest a more low key group family holiday or weekend. Maybe aren't somewhere in the uk for after this debacle. Might give the group something to look forward too.

Nomorepies · 05/04/2019 12:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

IdaThoughtso · 05/04/2019 12:21

shoeshoebadoo.. so sorry about you dad 💐 that's no time ago at all xxx

IHateUncleJamie · 05/04/2019 12:21

I wonder if the OP’s Mum has previous for over-involving herself and this was the last straw for the DH?

OP I think you, your DH and your DM need to sit down together and start communicating like adults, tbh. It’s nice that you’re so close with your Mum but it sounds as if she’s practically living in your pocket. I get that she’s still grieving but as it’s been “Many Years”, it sounds as if she’s still clinging onto you and it’s become a bit of a habit.

Is she very elderly or ill? Is there a reason why this might be “the last big holiday”? If so, it should have been planned all together. Not jumping on the back of your holiday without even asking. That would annoy me very much if I were your DH.