AIBU: Can't forgive husband

[shoeshoebadoo]

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

I understand his point of view

Do you REALLY though? What IS his point of view? Does he feel you are all too enmeshed, for instance?

but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well

Perhaps you do. Or perhaps your DH bites his tongue a lot. He certainly wants a holiday with just you guys for a change. "Getting on well" doesn't mean you all have to live in each other's pockets.

My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me

That's all very commendable, but it doesn't buy her the right to crash your holiday arrangements.

and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving

She has been grieving for many years and that's sad, but when does your DH get a holiday with just you and the kids? Does she need outside help with her grieving as "family support" may not be enough. She may need to see a therapist in order to move on.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him

Every holiday could be the last one - for any of us. The unknown can't be used as a reason to live in each other's pockets in case something happens. Children have to leave home, people travel, people move, etc.

Saying you could never forgive your husband if you don't take your mum everywhere you go and something happens to her is a bit dramatic IMO.

If my husband had done this to my mum I’d have LTB.

Your mum needs to, in the nicest way possible, get help. She gatecrashed your holiday. That’s not the behaviour of someone who is coping. Is she lonely?

Sorry about your Dad op, but I'm with your DH on this one.

In fact if my DH was upset with me for changing the dates I'd not want to go with him at all. It would feel like a slap in the face to me and make me feel like the kids and I alone aren't good enough and I'd be fuming that he'd want to include mummy on the big trip that I'd planned.

Don't you want your own family memories, just the 4 of you?

She doesn't do stuff to make me feel guilty - I just automatically feel guilty anyway because she's on her own so I try to involve her in family things. I guess I find it easier to be angrier with DH than my DM...

How old is she?

Sorry, another one who is with your H on this. The comment about being entitled to change the dates because he paid for it, needs to be picked up and that attitude nipped in the bud.

I'm sure your DM meant well, but it's bloody rude to crash someone else's holiday. Plus the logic of providing childcare so that you can have time to yourselves doesn't stack up, when she wants it to be the big family holiday she's dreamed about.

It's not her holiday, and I can quite understand why your H was furious to have this presented to him as a fait accompli. And the comment about her needing loads of support because she is still grieving is interesting, because you've also said that your Dad passed away many years ago.

I'm not for one moment suggesting that people should be forgotten, or that there is a time limit on grief. But if her grief is still so raw after all this time that she requires significant support, then something isn't right. Perhaps she needs counselling to be able to accept what's happened and start recovering some emotional independence? The alternative possibility, is that her grief is a useful hook upon which to hang what she wants to do and get her own way - any attempt to rebuff or refuse is met with tears and upset. Only you will know which one it's likely to be, but your H's reaction suggests that he is perhaps fed up of having your DM's emotional needs front and centre all the time.

I am impressed with your DH and salute the man!

all the posters who moan about interfering in-laws should take note and follow suite: it can be done, you can say no, and you spend a lovely holiday!

OP, don't spoil your holiday now. I would tell my mum that if she wants a family holiday, she needs to communicate and organise WITH you.
I would tell my DH that I understand, but would appreciate if he could talk with you! It's not your fault, you are the one stuck in the middle.

Then move on, and look forward to family time.
maybe invite your mum for a family diner (with DH on best behaviour) so all the unpleasantness can get behind you.

I really do agree with your DH still!

Your Mum is not seeing you, or your family as separate. When speaking to her you need to draw the lines of separation more clearly. Say things like 'I'll do what I want, and you can do what you'd like' or 'This is what we like to eat in our house, you do whatever you would like'. Say to her 'Mum, you invited yourself on our Family holiday. We are a separate family ourselves, as well as part of the extended family with you'.
Etc. She may at first see the Separateness as a slight or take offence but just do it gently and she'll get the message.
It's not on to invite yourself on holidays. It shows she is just not seeing you as an individual with your own Rights and Wishes and your own Family. Your DH is a controlling dick, at least in this situation. He can't bear her having 'control' of his property.
You could just refuse to go on any holiday. Hope your DH got travel insurance.

I just automatically feel guilty anyway because she's on her own

Are you sure this sense of guilt doesn't come from someone else? You have no reason to feel guilty she's on her own. You could feel sad for what she's gone through (what you've gone through too) but guilty? That seems a strange emotion.

We do go on two or three family holidays a year on our own - I've been on holiday with my mum on my own but just not with my family.

I think it was unreasonable of your mum to book without discussing with you, and unreasonable of your husband to change your holiday without discussing with you. Would you have done anything different if your husband had talked to your first though?

Your mum should have checked first but that was an asshole of a thing to do. I don't understand why he couldn't have just had a chat to your mum and been honest "MIL I really wanted some time alone with OP and the kids so I'd prefer it if you had asked. However now you've booked it's fine but I'd like some quality time with them and go on trips etc as planned"

That wouldn't have been so hard or caused so much upset. Bit shit considering all that she does for you both

You and tour mum are being so unreasonable.

So you constantly go out of your way to include your mum in your day to day life so she doesn't get lonely and you can't see why your DH wanted her to piss off for a bit and get some actual down time with his family!!!

Sorry, meant to add that one of my friend's had a parent like this. Everything was fine when it all went her Mum's way, but her Mum used to dissolve into tears and hysterics the moment my friend didn't include her or put her first in everything.

Consequently she was crippled by guilt all the time because she was so worried about her 'poor Mum' and caring for her Mum's emotional needs and happiness took precedence over absolutely everything else. It took years of this before her partner finally snapped and issued an ultimatum. She was really upset and confided in her Mum about it and was absolutely horrified when her Mum, quite matter of factly, said "Oh well, when's he moving out?" She just assumed that my friend would leave her partner in order to prioritise being permanently at her Mum's beck and call.

I'm with your partner......I'd be so peed off x .....am I right in thinking you gave her the idea that this was OK without consulting your husband?

now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

This ‘I can’t forgive him if anything happens to her’ is pure histrionics OP and pretty ridiculous. Come on now. Are mother and daughter pretty similar here? Similar traits?

Your mum sobbing isn’t a bad thing OP and you don’t have to fix it and tell her it’s all fine and she did nothing wrong. She did, and it’s fine for her to recognise that and be upset. I must admit I wonder if she’s being manipulative with the histrionics but that’s by the by. Just tell her you see why she did it but in the future never to do this again as it’s caused a huge issue in the family unnecessarily and you expect to be asked before she unilaterally decides to come on holiday with your family!

And yes you’re BU and your husband is not. I suspect he changed the dates without asking as he knew if he asked first you’d say no and try argue to keep it so your mum could go, he probably didn’t see the point in asking you first as it’d just be an argument and he already knew he wanted the holiday to remain how it was initially agreed, which is his right. It’s the least drama way of resolving it. So no foul there.

I get you feel a bit more protective of your mum but I’d be cautious here: she’s your mum but he’s your husband and family and the man you’ve built a life with and he’s your future and the father of your children. Don’t side with your mother and damage your marriage. Tell your DH you’re sorry and agree with him and that you know it was really off for your mum to do that and you’re excited for the holiday as a family. If you want to just move on.

I can’t even see what your mother was thinking doing this. Unless she was being manipulative and didn’t ask cos she didn’t care whether you agreed or not or knew you’d say no and wanted to come anyway... nobody books an expensive thing like a holiday without thinking it through. It’s just so weird to unilaterally decide you’re attending along with your grown daughter and her family.

Maybe you and your mother could go on a weekend away together sometime soon. Alone.

@FookMeFookYou

This 100% - Jesus there are some hard hearted people on here

Is it possible your DH feels that your mum is too involved with your family? If she babysits a lot, and is generally around all the time, then he may find that wearing, even if he likes her? But he can’t say, because she’s bereaved and maybe lonely and it would make him an arsehole?

I don't understand why he couldn't have just had a chat to your mum and been honest "MIL I really wanted some time alone with OP and the kids so I'd prefer it if you had asked. However now you've booked it's fine but I'd like some quality time with them and go on trips etc as planned"

So give her what she wanted because she was underhanded and just booked without asking? So what if MIL decides that she is lonely and wants to move in with OP and family, just budge up and make room without taking the husbands wants into consideration. He drew a line in the sand (however cack handed) and I respect that he will not be manipulated.

I actually admire your DH tbh, he’s been decisive and not given into manipulation and is protecting time with his family. Good qualities in a husband!

MIL I really wanted some time alone with OP and the kids so I'd prefer it if you had asked. However now you've booked it's fine but I'd like some quality time with them and go on trips etc as planned"

Because then he’d be having this holiday with his MIL. Doesn’t matter if he gets to sneak off for a few nights for dinner with his wife. He’s still going on holiday with his MIL. He doesn’t want to, he wasn’t asked, nobody thought to enquire his wishes for this holiday!

However now you've booked it's fine but I'd like some quality time with them and go on trips etc as planned"

Thing is, he does that and he’s taught her she can do it again next time.

Dunno if this is an ongoing thing for her or a one off but either way capitulating just teaches her this was okay behaviour and that next time she tries to muscle in nobody will have the guts to say no and she’ll get her own way. You can’t give an inch with someone who pulls this kind of stunt or they’ll take a mile.

She doesn't do stuff to make me feel guilty - I just automatically feel guilty anyway because she's on her own so I try to involve her in family things. I guess I find it easier to be angrier with DH than my DM...

Yea she does, she then cries because she feels so awful. That's really manipulative behaviour to stop you being annoyed with her.

6 years isnt ages, but it's a while. I think it's odd that you used it as an extra reason why you are on her side. She wanted this since your dad dies, what did she actually do about it though?

I suspect either you or her bring this into play whenever she does something like this.

You haven't answered wether ahe has form for this sorts of things. People have asked and you have avoided it, which makes me think she definitely has.

I bet thos isnt about who earns more for your dh. But more that last straw for him

Yabu, I'd be furious if MIL gatecrashed our family holiday without asking.

You said that your mum does literally everything for you and your husband.

Well maybe he fancies a break from her if she is around your house quite a lot.

Clearly he saw the big holiday as a chance for just you, him and the kids to relax together. That is what was agreed.

Next thing he knows is that your mum, sister and brother have muscled in. And I'm guessing that this isn't the first time that she has overstepped in his eyes.

And maybe keep details of planned holidays to yourself in future. "Oh, we're off to Italy in mid-July, can't wait". Then change the subject. Obviously your mum knew the dates, the resort and the hotel that you were staying at and went ahead to book the same.

And have a think about your mum literally doing everything for your family. That isn't very healthy for her, though understandable that she is still grieving.

Maybe try and encourage her to join groups, socialise herself, try a new hobby. From what you say it was a particularly traumatic death for your father so maybe some counselling for her also? Or a bereavement support group where others have been through a similar thing? It is natural for her to turn to her children and their families for support, of course it is. But if that becomes over-involvement in their lives then it can get in the way of coming to terms properly with what has happened.

Try to turn this holiday incident into a something that has a more positive outcome for her in the future.