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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Can't forgive husband

547 replies

shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 11:23

My DH booked a big holiday for this year for me and our 2 DC. Then my mum also booked to go to the same place along with my sister and brother - without telling me first. My mum's logic was that she would be able to help us out with childcare and at the same time we could get the big family holiday she's always dreamed of since my Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago. Not the greatest logic but her heart was in the right place.

My DH kicked off big time and changed the dates of our holiday even though it was unlikely, due to the nature of the type of holiday it was, that we would spend loads of time together anyway. He paid for it as I'm not earning much at the moment so he saw it as his right to change the dates. My mum was gutted and crying that she'd caused this issue.

I was really upset with him that he couldn't just go with the flow and let us have this holiday together. I understand his point of view but my family aren't monsters and we all get on well. My mum literally does everything for us, she babysits at the drop of a hat, dotes on our children, is always there for me and needs as much family support as she can get as she's still grieving.

I now feel that if anything was to happen to my mum in the coming years and I missed out on this last big family holiday together I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. AIBU???

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/04/2019 12:36

@Alsohuman what would you have done if your MIL had done to you what OPs DM has done to her DH.

I get the impression that your DH made this decision by himself as he knew you would disagree because by your own admission you feel guilty she is on her own and include her in family things. I also suspect the comment about paying was maybe an ill judged way of avoiding you arguing about it.

JaneEyre07 · 05/04/2019 12:36

I think your DH was very high handed. He's done all of this without talking to you.

That alone would make my heckles go up.

I feel very sorry for your DM too.

Raspberrytruffle · 05/04/2019 12:36

I'd be pissed off if someone hijacked my holiday too, I think you're being quite dramatic and need to grow up

onalongsabbatical · 05/04/2019 12:37

Dad passed away in a horrific incident many years ago Actually six years ago is no time at all for a traumatic and untimely death. I’m quite horrified by the posts on this thread. Whatever the rights and wrongs of her behaviour, I’m guessing your DH doesn’t empathise with her. And she does so much for you (and him!).
There’s so much under the surface here.

slappinthebass · 05/04/2019 12:38

I think it's a bit off that your husband says it's his choice and his money, as presumably you are raising both of your children so he can work, so holiday spending should be a joint decision. Did you get any input on the destination?

Apart from that, I'm with him. Your mother has deliberately not asked you if they can join you, and then emotionally manipulated you with the 'always wanted a big holiday since dad died' sob story. Why do you think this might be the last chance for a family holiday? Is she very old and has I'll health? If she can emotionally manipulate to get her own way with no thought to how it impacts on others then I bet any money she does it in other ways and there is very good reason your DH wants a holiday just with his wife and children.

extremehydration · 05/04/2019 12:39

"MIL I really wanted some time alone with OP and the kids so I'd prefer it if you had asked. However now you've booked it's fine but I'd like some quality time with them and go on trips etc as planned"

But it really ISN'T fine for him. Perhaps he knows that the quality time will likely not happen. Perhaps MIL will be given to crying if they want to go somewhere without her?

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 12:40

I don’t have a MiL sadly. But I do have a husband who regularly took my parents on holiday for 15 years and never complained once so I guess I’m used to high standards of decency.

Original poster
shoeshoebadoo · 05/04/2019 12:40

She doesn't 'have a form' for doing this - she doens't invite herself round or anything like that. My DH isn't a CF with money - it's just that because he paid and booked for the holiday I didn't get a say in when he changed it either - and he wanted to make a point...

OP posts:
tisonlymeagain · 05/04/2019 12:40

Maybe he didn't handle it right but I'd be furious if that happened in our household, whether it was my parents or his!

Your family were absolutely out of order booking it without talking to you and your husband about it.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 05/04/2019 12:40

Great so as she doesn't have form she will completely understand that this was a bad on her part and graciously leave the topic now that it's been resolved.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 05/04/2019 12:41

I guess I find it easier to be angrier with DH than my DM...

Why? Your DH hasn't done anything wrong.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 12:41

I think your DH was very high handed. He's done all of this without talking to you.

Like her mother did and OP just expects him to accept it?

Actually six years ago is no time at all for a traumatic and untimely death. I’m quite horrified by the posts on this thread. Whatever the rights and wrongs of her behaviour, I’m guessing your DH doesn’t empathise with her.

No one has said she should be over it. But it's not an excuse to just do what you want and expecting everyone to go along with it.

I think it's a bit off that your husband says it's his choice and his money, as presumably you are raising both of your children so he can work, so holiday spending should be a joint decision. Did you get any input on the destination?

OP didnt say that he said that.

PlasticPatty · 05/04/2019 12:43

Your mother was wrong.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 12:43

If he felt he needed to make a point AND you admit you are blinkered to her behaviour....than I am guessing he would disagree that she hasnt done this sort of thing before

Maybe not a holiday, but I imagine theres a pattern

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/04/2019 12:45

And presumably he had to make a point. If he had said to you can we change it would you have said yes or would you have said but what if its the last chance we get as a big family holiday? Then you would have guilted him into it. And presumably next year the same scenario could occur and so on.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 12:45

But I do have a husband who regularly took my parents on holiday for 15 years and never complained once so I guess I’m used to high standards of decency.

So because your husband and you were happy with thos, everyone else has to be or they arent decent?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 05/04/2019 12:48

This reply has been deleted

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IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 05/04/2019 12:48

Your DM should have spoken to you and your DH before booking her holiday to see how you both felt. She shouldn't have just gone ahead and booked without discussing it first. However, I feel your DH could have handled this better and he should also have discussed this with you before he changed the date. I would be making it quite clear to both DM and DH that you are fucked off with both of them for making decisions that involve you without talking to you first, you need to make it very clear that making decisions for you and expecting you to fall into place will not be tolerated in future. You have a voice Op, make them know it will be heard in future.

flumpybear · 05/04/2019 12:49

A holiday is a break from everything IMO - other family coming along isn't a break, it's baggage that's not wanted

Your mum may do a lot for your family, but she's doing it for herself too

She was wrong, she should back down here but grow up too - it's hardly worth tears!

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 12:49

Of course everybody doesn’t have to be happy with the same thing. But yes, I don’t think OP’s husband is remotely decent and I’d tell him go on his own with the kids if it were me.

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 12:50

No martyr statements here. We enjoyed taking them. We loved them. Alien concept though that is around here.

QuickThinkOfAName · 05/04/2019 12:50

In my experience people don’t tend to go from normal boundaries to gate crashing a holiday in one step.

Reading between the lines it sounds more like this is the straw that broke the camels back. Years of frustration coming out in him rebooking the holiday.

But it’s hard to say as the op is so enmeshed in her mother needing her. Everything is so hysterical (I hate using the word but it’s the first thing that came to mind) You can’t forgive your husband for trying to preserve the family holiday you had both planned?

Also you say she does so much for you - I’m wondering how much of that is instigated by her. Perhaps you went along with it at first thinking it might help her grieve. It makes her feel wanted and she’s not alone. But if she’s around a lot how much time do you spend as a foursome family?

If this was a woman coming here saying her mil had booked herself onto the family holiday everyone would be saying to cancel/rebook.

Jessgalinda · 05/04/2019 12:50

But yes, I don’t think OP’s husband is remotely decent and I’d tell him go on his own with the kids if it were me.

And the mothers behaviour is decent?

You are absolutely saying everyone should be happy with it or they arent decent. That's exactly what you are saying.

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 12:51

Nope.

timeisnotaline · 05/04/2019 12:52

Splendid post from whereyouleftit
I 100% agree on this language of emotional blackmail. Try to stop using it yourself.
Seriously op your dh has done you a favour. He’s made it very clear that this completely selfish behaviour won’t just be tolerated- you on the other hand would have just liked him to suck it up and accept it’s no longer your family holiday but his mils big dream and everyone had to smile about it because her husband died 6 years ago. This way, some boundaries are made clear and you aren’t the bad guy as you’d obviously struggle to tell your mum it’s not on.
I too suspect the ‘it’s my money’ was hitting out because he was justifiably furious. If it’s genuinely how he feels then this is a separate issue.

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