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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Tavannach · 08/04/2019 20:29

Having read most of this thread I've decided if we ever get married we'll have the meal and gathering of family and close friends first, THEN the marriage ceremony and then the evening reception. That'll keep everyone happy. Won't it?

SpanishFly · 08/04/2019 20:44

The guests not invited to the meal had a Marco Pierre White restaurant next door "so our non-fed guests weren't going to go hungry". There are no words to any of this 🤣

SpanishFly · 08/04/2019 20:48

Tavannach the point is that it really is up to you how you do it. The objection on this thread is about killing time and having even more expense by not being invited to the middle part. Most people dont have an issue with being invited to the whole day or to the evening only.
Your suggestion is lovely in theory but it would maybe be odd the bride and groom having a meal beside each other before they're actually married

Letterkennie · 08/04/2019 21:12

Why not just get married later and then have everyone to an informal evening reception?

It’s TERRIBLE form to invite someone to the church and then not the breakfast and then expect them to wander about for a while.

We fell for this years ago, and I was dressed to the nines, like a scouser at the races, and it then transpired that we had no places at the breakfast but could we come back later, and by the way it’s not at this nice hotel, as per the invite, it’s at the Con club across the road.

What they expected us to do, complete with hats and high heels and pashminas, for four fucking hours in Crewe, I will never know.

AlexaAmbidextra · 08/04/2019 21:29

I was dressed to the nines, like a scouser at the races

😂😂😂

MadameAnchou · 08/04/2019 21:31

Hope you didn't bother to go back, Letter, or leave a gift. Twats.

ScarlettSahara · 08/04/2019 22:18

Perhaps it was my use of the word etiquette that caused annoyance -hence the accusation of “snobbery” on the thread.

I view etiquette as good manners & I consider good manners to be looking after your invited guests especially those who have to travel long distance without expecting them to fork out for meals whilst hanging around waiting for an evening do where they may not receive much sustenance. I don’t think that is snobbery at all.

PotterHead1985 · 09/04/2019 10:08

Slow news day. RTÉ Today (Irish television yoke) has robbed yer thread OP!!!!

sansou · 09/04/2019 10:28

One of DH's oldest childhood friends invited us to his wedding back in the day. We lived 4hrs away so we dutifully left baby DC1 at the GP's, treated ourselves to a room at the hotel of the reception and off we went. I read the invite for the first time in the car on the way down and noticed the time gap between the church ceremony and the evening reception. DH convinced himself that they were probably just economising and that I had a suspicious mind. We checked in the hotel and did notice that there was indeed a wedding reception set up in the grounds. The seating plan was already up so we went over to have a nosey......there were 120 guests for DH's friend's wedding and yes, we were definitely not on it! DH's fault for not reading the invite properly. Logically, there was no way that we would have gone to that much expense and travel, just to attend the church and evening do. Why do people do that to guests who live some distance away? It makes no sense! DH was so mad that he decided that we were keeping the wedding present and ditched said friend from that point on.

Rspu1384 · 09/04/2019 10:32

I don’t understand how people are baffled by it?!.
For my wedding I invited 35 people to the ceremony and dinner as i only wanted very close family and a few friends, I didn’t want a big audience and the cost of the dinner was expensive so anything more than 35 would of been out of our budget. We also then had to pay for a buffer for the evening, I then invited other family members/friends for the evening. I don’t think you should take it personally a wedding breakfast is expensive and maybe it was just cutting costs 🤷🏻‍♀️

Rspu1384 · 09/04/2019 10:36

Only just seen they invited you to the ceremony too :/ but strange I wouldn’t have invited my guests to the ceremony then expect them to piss off for 5/6 hours while we eat, it’s either one or the other.

NWQM · 09/04/2019 11:02

@Rspu1384 ... you situation is the more 'norm' though. You didn't invite 50 to the ceremony but then ask 15 to feed & entertain themselves until the buffet in the evening whilst hosting everyone else.

I say this though having not had a problem when my friend did just that but bigger numbers. She was very up front, apologetic even, and clear. It's the ambiguity I think that's a bit off.

NWQM · 09/04/2019 11:03

Sorry @Rspu1384 cross posted 😀

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 09/04/2019 12:28

Why do people do that to guests who live some distance away? It makes no sense! DH was so mad that he decided that we were keeping the wedding present and ditched said friend from that point on.

Because they're rude, vacuous twats who think their wedding is the dog's bollocks, want seat fillers to make their vid look good and as many gifts as possible. SO glad your H didn't just hand over the cash and go over there. Ditch!

PeachesAndMayo · 09/04/2019 15:06

I'd give serious thoughts to missing the service and just going to the evening part. Take the day to yourselves, do something nice and then finish with a nice party.

SpanishFly · 09/04/2019 22:24

I've thought about this a lot today (sad). And I just keep coming back to the same solution, I wouldn't go at. they've been arsey so just dont go to time/expense/hassle to fit in with their bizarre idea of what seems reasonable.

Yorkshirelady · 10/04/2019 20:30

Go the the wedding, buy them a beautiful card....but leave the money out of it...give it to the babysitter...she clearly deserves it more!!!

Jb291 · 12/04/2019 00:09

I always think the day / evening invite thing is tacky rude and unnecessary. People should absolutely not be expecting guests to have to go to the trouble of arranging annual leave / childcare / outfit / gift / travel / accommodation costs but then tell them they can attend the service and then have to go and find a restaurant / something to do until they can attend the evening bit. I refuse to go to weddings which would treat me as second class. If the happy couple are wanting me to spend time and money on their wedding then they can't expect me to be happy with just an evening invite. Absolutely no chance.

BitOfFun · 12/04/2019 01:29

The evening-only invitation thing only works if it's a local wedding and comprises work colleagues and honorary aunties etc. who live a stone's throw away.

I know that most people think their own wedding was the bee's knees, and I won't buck the trend, but last month when I married my long-term partner, I had a late afternoon wedding that everyone was welcome to attend, and we put on a band and a stonking buffet afterwards at a pub in easy walking distance from the registry office. A welcome drink, a cheap bar, and no question of under-catering. No gifts were expected; we were genuinely delighted just to have so many friends join us to celebrate.

I don't think it would have been quite 'us' to have done something more formal, but I'd certainly recommend that approach over an A list and B list,

hannah9176 · 12/04/2019 02:53

I think it looks a bit "I want a fancy wedding and to have loads of people there but don't want the cost associated".

We were invited to a similar wedding once and had never been invited to a wedding with this setup. Luckily my DH was talking to the H2B about work and was told "don't worry if you can't make the service you don't really need to be there until 7". Only then did we re read the invite and see it was for a service at 12 followed by reception at 7!

As we were travelling 200 miles we decided not to bother. An evening invite alone I have no issue with I should add but not these circumstances.

RottnestFerry · 12/04/2019 13:22

I don't think it would have been quite 'us' to have done something more formal, but I'd certainly recommend that approach over an A list and B list,

I agree. I think you need to think a bit outside the box if you have a big guest list and a limited budget. The standard cookie cutter formal wedding format is unlikely to work well.

RottnestFerry · 12/04/2019 13:24

Inverted commas give bold text. I didn't know that.

SpanishFly · 12/04/2019 18:55

No, it's asterisks that give bold text x

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