Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

[jonathanvanness]

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

Do you know many people going to the evening do? If not, I'd decline. Travelling when pregnant and not really knowing anyone when you're there doesn't sound a lot of fun. If you'd been included in it all, maybe a different story, but "we've chosen somewhere too expensive so we cant have you for the meal" isn't a brilliant/close friend, so you shouldn't be the one feeling bad

This has baffled me, is this a regional thing? In Scotland I've never ever heard of this.

I’ve been to a few Scottish weddings where evenings guests were invited to the ceremony if they wanted, but never the wording the OP has. Always “invited to x reception at 8pm at y place. Guests are welcome to witness the ceremony at z place if the would like to” type thing.

So very very clear, not that mishmash.

This has baffled me, is this a regional thing? In Scotland I've never ever heard of this

I've been invited to a couple of evening dos in Scotland, the first one about 25 years ago so, no, I don't think it's regional.

rottnest you've missed my point - of course evening invites are a thing in Scotland.
But the OP has been invited to the ceremony but NOT the evening meal, and then has to return at 7pm for the disco. I.e. has to kill 5 hours in the middle. THATS what I've never heard of!

Until I went to this wedding a few years ago now, I had no idea this ceremony-evening-but-no-dinner-in-between thing existed. Maybe I read the invite wrong because of that, but I turned up at the ceremony to be told by others in the same boat that we were not invited to the meal. Basically I was there to make up the numbers in the church then told to fuck off for hours and turn back up for the evening thing. If I had known I would not have gone.

You have the option to not go at all, or just go to the evening ceremony.It's their wedding, their choice. I went to a family wedding of this style and we went for late lunch/dinner in a local restaurant before arriving at the reception.

Have heard of evening only invites but not this. Have a day out with husband and go to evening only.

rottnest you've missed my point - of course evening invites are a thing in Scotland

Actually, after I posted, I remembered that for the first one we did go the ceremony too. I can't remember if we were invited to that or whether we went anyway because it was just around the corner. We went home afterwards though so didn't have to hang around until the evening do started.

I think the change is that evening only invites or 'we went to the ceremony and then went home' was that they used to be only for locals. Now B&Gs are issuing them to guests who would have to travel, stay the night in a hotel, possibly even take time off work. And that's rude.

The older I get (late 40's now), the less I give a fuck what other people think - its great. If someone wants me at their wedding then they want me there - this 'two tier' system is shit in my view. I didnt do it at my wedding. You come to it all or you dont come at all.

Purple, I agree. They've behaved badly, so the OP should do what suits her, not what she thinks would be the right thing. (As the bride and groom haven't done the right thing)

I agree @MadameAnchou - we had friends in the village get married, and they had a big knees up party in the garden in the evening and it was fabulous. But we didn't have to drive, could walk there and back as did a lot of others, those catching taxis didn't have far to go. They had the breakfast for immediate family and very close friends only and that was fine.

But I see it as celebrating the marriage rather than attending the wedding, because I didn't do that.

I think the idea of having guests who have travelled long distance being expected to bugger off whilst the 1st tier guests wine & dine is fairly poor etiquette. There is no guarantee that there will be substantial provision of refreshments at the evening do either.

It is not grabby of the guests to take into account what provisions are made. There is a lot of expense to being a wedding guest.

I attended church ceremony & returned to evening do which was ok since I was local. Buffet provided had been mostly consumed by the day guests & it just felt uncomfortable.

Dh and I settled on a smaller wedding for ourselves in a pleasant venue with close friends and family. We had a sit down meal since some guests had travelled hundreds of miles. We were grateful for their company and wished to celebrate with them and make them feel comfortable & looked after.

Sadly I think a lot of the focus has been lost and weddings are viewed almost as though the happy couple should be celebrities for the day without the celebrity budget. Hence the situation the OP finds herself in.

Had the OP known the score she probably would not have bought new wedding guest finery.

Unless you would particularly like to see your friend married OP, I would probably not attend and just find somewhere lovely to go with your DH for the day.

This happened to us many years ago. We recieved the 'save the date' etc.
Eventual Invite for DH and I was to ceremony, Wedding Breakfast and evening , but to adult DC (who still lived with us, and without their own transport), Invite to Ceremony, NOT the Wedding Breakfast, but back again for the Evening.
The invite was very clear, and they were specifically invited to the ceremony, but basically had to disappear for several hours in the middle.
Family dynamics meant we were obliged to go, but logistically very difficult and involved hotel stay.
The buffet in the evening was eaten very quickly, (by many of the A list guests) before some evening guests arrived. I don't think my DC had much at all.

I had this a few years ago. Invite was not clear. Me and my friend figured out that we were invited to the church. Then went home for 6 hours and then went to the evening reception for 7pm which was about 30 miles from the church.

It was a bit of a pain as spent the morning getting ready for the church and was home an hour and a half later. Then waiting around at home and went out again.

But...it was all ok.

My other friend however said she was invited to the full day so after church she followed everyone else and went to the hotel. Couldn't find her name on the seating plan. Realised she was only invited to the night do. She was mortified and did a runner. She didn't come back for the evening reception.

She got married a year later and didn't invite any of us including my friend who's wedding it was.

The invite just needed to be more clear.

Very rude, especially as they know you are out of towners. I hate the idea that it's ok to ask people to lurk about in high heels with nothing to do for hours. I was an event planner and my own wedding schedule was: 5pm wedding, 6pm cocktails, 7pm dinner (at a normal dinner time) and then dancing. Wedding ceremony venue was across the street from the party venue. No standing around waiting for the next thing. No "how does aunt Josie get from wedding to reception?"

I would choose one thing to go to based on your relationship with B&G. If they are old uni friends and you will see lots of old mates at the reception, then just go to that. If you won't know anyone else there but you are very fond of one of the happy couple, just go to the ceremony. Either way, cite childcare making it difficult to be gone for such a long day.

There seems to be a rather common trend, too, of undercatering weddings on here (to save money so it can be splashed on something else?) - brides coming on claiming 'the caterer' said 2 canapes and 1 sandwich square per guest for 2-3 hours whilst photos are done is plenty (and guests are just 'greedy'/guzzlers/gluttons/surely everyone can do without food a few hours), scanty 'breakfasts' followed by evening do's with little to even no food (one bride said 'the caterers' told them sandwiches and nibbles at evening do's go to waste so instead all they had were bowls of sweets on the tables, shortbread and cake at the evening do); guests advising others to carry cereal bars and other food in their bags in case of low food. So it's in no way a given the OP would have even been offered anything sufficient at an evening do.

Yet was expected to stump up for travel, overnight accommodation and gift and then fuck off for 5 hours and 'book a lovely lunch with your DH' to add to the expense.

What a pisstake!

Good grief the snobbery and entitlement on this thread gets my goat. Anytime a bride asks for advice on who to invite to their wedding etc, its mostly "your wedding, your choice". The minute a guest asks about something less than the full ride on an invite, we get comments about rude bridal parties, selfishness and if you can't afford to feed everyone don't get married or invite fewer people.
Here's the thing, evening only invites have always been a thing. Small bridal party only wedding breakfasts are normal. And in a lot of communities, an open door for a wedding is common. Some of my mother in laws former colleages came to see their friend's son get married and didnt demand a meal or evening invite.
We did the ceremony and evening invite thing because we knew there was a hotel right next door to the church and reception hall which had a Marco Pierre White restaurant. Our non-fed guests weren't going to go hungry and didn't have to travel far. Nor did they have to do the obnoxious speeches etc.
My view is that if a couple has invited you to their wedding its because they want you there. If its not for the meal, there are good reasons and if you judge them for not inviting you then it's probably right that they don't like you enough to spend a small fortune on feeding you a sit down meal but don't mind giving you cake and canapes. You're obviously not nice enough to be counted as that close a friend.

Good grief the snobbery and entitlement on this thread gets my goat. Anytime a bride asks for advice on who to invite to their wedding etc, its mostly "your wedding, your choice". The minute a guest asks about something less than the full ride on an invite, we get comments about rude bridal parties, selfishness and if you can't afford to feed everyone don't get married or invite fewer people.

While I don’t agree that evening invitations are the work of Satan, I don’t see the problem with the above. I think the standard mumsnet is invite who you like... but to the whole thing! I don’t necessarily agree, but I don’t think it’s glaringly inconsistent either.

The main problem is when B&G want something akin to a Royal wedding but can't afford it.

Of course anyone can attend a wedding. But that doesn't make them invited to the wedding.

Please come see me get married and buy me a present, but I'm not paying for you to have a drink or anything to eat.

That's what it says.

Evening invites are fine, expecting guests to cover a full day of childcare and spend 5 hours entertaining themselves in the middle of the day isn't fine. If you want to give out evening invites do that and own it.

I'm struggling to think of any recent threads on this topic where the do what you like it's your day posts, which I admit exist, aren't countered by people talking about rudeness to guests and the potential impact of certain choices. There was one not so long ago about what happens when the two attitudes meet.

And really, the objections to evening only invites and people being able to attend the ceremony without being invited to any of the events afterwards are strawmen. People aren't objecting to that. They're objecting to people expecting guests to travel, then be left to twiddle their thumbs for several hours. Especially if the couple could afford not to do this, but have instead chosen to prioritise having a particular venue instead. The various strops and digs we've had from posters who clearly did this and don't like it being criticised are entertaining, but be in no doubt why this is so unpopular.

I don't get the issue.

Basically you've been invited to the evening do with the option to see the ceremony if you so wish.

LOL @ there was a Marco Pierre White restaurant for them to go to because these guests are such twats all I'll punt for for them is cake and canapes, but gimme a gift after I've told you to fuck off to an expensive restaurant to buy your own meal but you're the twat for expecting any food from me! Oh, the irony!